ML,

I am so glad to read your story right there as I am hoping that I am one of those very RARE cases as well. My FWW had grown up in a strong Christian home and never doubted her faith until her A.

We also, have discussed how none of her ENs were going unmet but that the A was a result of her not having any boundaries whatsoever. I knew she was flirtatious with other men, but I had no idea that she could lose control like that. So, we now have very strict boundaries and I help guard her from ever even coming close to the line that she stepped over many times before. Had I been guarding her the whole time and known that snooping and requiring her to tell me her whereabouts at ALL TIMES, I think it could have been prevented. But, I sometimes think that she would have strayed at some point, just with a different OM at a different time.

Since she had no ENs unmet that we could find, I had a hard time for the first 2 months because I could think of no way that I could change to make her happy. I have always been my total self around her and she was not seeing an imposter. I am now more aware of her ENs and try harder to meet them every day, but I felt I alwasy did a good job before.

The one thing that has helped is that she now claims that she has been saved for real this time. She got baptized again after ending her A at the request of her Bible study leader and has been hugely active in our church for the last 4 years. She even leads her own ladies' Bible study now.

If that never happened, I don't think I'd have any hope at all. But, she studies every day, prays with our two little boys every day, and makes decisions based on her knowledge of the Word. She is doing everything she possibly can to live a life she can be proud of.

Every day, I just pray that it's for real this time.

Melody, thank you so much for sharing your story so openly. That is one of the most inspirational things I've read in a long time, and brings tears to my eyes. Interesting thing is, I told someone just this week who is hoping her low-character partner "magically changes"..(and he is not a Christian) ..that I think the ONLY way someone can ever have a complete change of character, is through God's saving grace.

Yes, you are very blessed.

That's why I qualified the statement with "effectively". Needs can be met, and a spouse still wander. If those needs are met "effectively" though... see Webster's for "effectively".

ILMR, needs can be effectively met and the spouse will still stray. My H's needs were effectively met and he still strayed. His adultery had nothing to do with the state of the marriage, but stemmed from a character deficit.

[quote] [That's why I qualified the statement with "effectively"./quote]

for some, it doesn't matter how effectively the needs are met...they want something strange, new and exciting. The needs could be met exquisitely at home...it wouldn't matter for many a WS.

Bladerunner,

I think that would be stating it too strongly. But I do sometimes wonder how I could have gotten away with it for so long if he was paying any attention at all. On the other hand, he didn't seem that surprised when I told him which makes me wonder why he $&%* he didn't say anything. Plus, I gave him all my passwords and I've seen nothing to indicate he's tried to check up on me at all. Not that there's anything to find anymore. Once in a blue moon he'll say something to indicate he's felt some jealousy but he mostly doesn't want to talk about it.

ForeverHers made some passing comment in another post about how my husband doesn't care what I do. But I don't think that's a fair statement at all (and totally uncalled for but whatever.)

Aphaeresis - I agree that it is stating it too strongly. Let me try to refine the thought. Its the idea that if he valued me he would be paying closer attention to me, thinking about what I'm telling him, judging whether it makes sense and talking to me about things that don't add up.

That's one interpretation. Then to add to that thought another one. And this one really goes out on a limb but I wonder if it matches anyone's reality. The thought that as my mate, he should be taking action to protect me from my own weakness or temptations.

I would think that this would not be a thought per se but an unarticulated feeling, lurking beneath the logical, moral radar of the more evolved rational modern brain [and residing in the old brain].

Bladerunner,

Yes, I'd agree with that. Also, I think women in particular like it when their husbands show some evidence that he knows me better than anyone else does.

There have been times when my husband has accused me of some pretty crazy stuff I would never even think of doing, like trying to turn the kids against him, and that combined with him being too trusting in other areas, in spite of my previous dating history, has made me wonder if he really knows me at all. But that's a DJ on my part, so I try not to think that way anymore.

Anyway, the point is that the cliche is true that a woman wants a man who can read her mind. It's not literally possible, of course, but if you know someone really well you can almost make it seem like you can.

If I could go back in time, this is the advice I'd give to myself. If you have issues, deal with them directly. Make her speak plainly and don't accept vague incomprehensible talkingaroundthesubject. Spell it out and try to reach some kind of understanding. Do not fail to trust your gut. Do not avert your eyes to keep from seeing something you don't want to know. Don't procrastinate on your marriage issues. If your car was knocking, you'd probably check it out so you didn't end up stranded later. Does it make sense to give more thought to maintaining your car than managing your M?

[btw it amazes me that I feel such warmth and kinship towards the people on this site who I have never met and who come from so many different backgrounds. I guess its true that there's more room in a broken heart.]