What is the best way to expose A, should it be by letter or in person. I have been putting off exposing A but I am now going to do it. Wife says she is telling everyone we are splitting up, so I need to expose first and tell the truth.

I also would like to know what you tell childen they are aged 8,11 and 12 all girls. I feel I should tell everone the truth

exposure should be swift...no warning. Provide proof. I would think in person is best...but a certified letter that needs to be signed for by the recipient will suffice.

Your kids should be told the truth.

First, you need solid evidence.

Your wife is going to lable you as either abusive or insane. You need the evidence to prove she is lying and manipulating the situation in her favor.

Second, once you have all of your evidence, I really hope that you have phone records, recordings of conversations and better yet witnesses or pictures, hit her completely blindsided to her family and OM family.

Absolutely DO NOT comprimise. She will try to make a deal only to break it and still make you out to be the bad guy.

ABSOLUTELY do not trust ANYTHING she might tell you.

Third, it she has ANY friends involved, ie. cheerleaders, enablers, their spouses need to be notified of their hand in the destruction of your family. Her toxic friends have more than likely helped her justify her affair and they are the meddelers that keep her nerve up and feed the FOG and her disrespect for you.

Your wife is to be the last to be notified of the exposure.

Be prepared for a full broadside of hatred fired your way.

It's gonna be ugly, real ugly.

In some cases, it is best to do it in person, others with a phone call or a certified letter. Children should always be told in person with a heartfelt HONEST discussion.

If a workplace affair, send a certified letter stating the facts to the HR director, ccing a key VP and the affairees supervisor [s].

Others can be done on the phone. My opinion is that it is best to do this in one fell swoop with no warning. That way, the infidels do not have a chance to pre-empt you and spin you as a "jealous nut."

In all cases, give them your full name and phone # so they can contact you for followup questions.

Good exposure targets are:

1. OP spouse [should always be the first]
2. employer if workplace affair
3. WS and BS parents
4. close friends and siblings
5. pastor
6. OP's parents

Thanks for suggestions I do i then go straight into plan A whcih I finding difficult to know where to start

Bro, exposure is part of Plan A. Have you read Surviving an Affair? Here is a good outline of what Plan A really is:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Thanks Melodylane

I haven't read surviving affair I will order it today.

I have been wondering if its worth carrying on this whole situation is effecting my health, I have just been to the doctors and my blood pressure is of the scale. My wife has said its really over! she has said we are seperating, when we have sold house this will take at least 6 months, in the current market and it needs work to sell. I thought this would give me time to put into place plan A and give time for A to die a natuaral death. W seems quite loved up (FOG) with OM, what I can't understand is why him, they have nothing in common from what I have read on his facebook site. My wife is quite goodlooking and well he is more of a character that comes out of the ground in Lord of the Rings. My wife has always be very critical of people having affairs and causing pain to children, now she says they will get over it. This is tgurned into a bit of a rant, thanks for reading if you and responding.

Bro feeling quite sad and sorry for himself!!!!

Bro,

I am right there with you. My wife has been involved in an affair for quite some time. I have no advice other than am thinking of you. I pray that Plan A works for you. I have chosen to give in to the beast and this is by no means advice. I think there are a lot of smart people on this forum that can help you through this and have been through it before. I am not one of them but rather going through it now and taking a different approach - ending the marriage. You have to do what is right for you all I want you to get our of my post is that I am thinking of you, got your back, wish you luck and give er hell.


We are two lonely and betrayed soles on this site and if nothing else can support each other along the way.

WhatNext4me.

thanks whatnext4me

Its really difficult what do for the best but i do believe the advice on this sit i very good. I am sorry that you are going down the D road, but if that end s your pain and you feel this is right for you goodlook. I would suggest that you GAL join the gym, contact old friends etc thats what I have done, it does help.

In my situation i am hoping when exposed she will come out of the fog and think what she is doing to her family and children.
I will also have lot more support around me. I havg decided to lay exposing because we are going away for 3 days next week to a wedding and we always have good time when we are away together and I can deposit some love credits and OM will not be around. I will expose as soon as I get back. I am preparing my list of people and how.

Bro, your mental and physical health will take a turn for the better if you start taking action and set a strategic plan into motion. If you start taking action against the affair you will feel like a NEW MAN. It is very stressful to do nothing because that leads to a feeling of helplessness and despair.

While exposure may not stop the affair, it will certainly hasten its death. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure ruins all that.

I like your plan of exposing when you get back from the wedding. When you have made up your list, come here and we will help you with talking points.

Is this a workplace affair? What does the OM do? Is he married?

Thanks Melodylane for your support, I have ordered surviving affair,I should have it before the weekend. The OM works with W but not in the same office he is an IT man repairs computers. He is already D and has a son that stops with him every other week.

Wife seems to see him mostly at work long lunch times and on her day off on wednesdays. I take children to school and my parents pick them up at the end of the day. I thought about saying to my wife my parents can't do this anymore this would give her less time at lunch time.

My list to expose to :-

wifes parents
wife sister and brother
very close friends
OM ex wife
OM parents
wife boss at work
Children (i am telling them the truth,wife doesn't want me to)


I would be interested in what to exactly say "Talking Points" what do I tell them to say to the wife?


I am going to have day off work straight after coming back from wedding and ring or arrange to see them
I was not going to tell my parents just yet and see what effect the above had. they would likly be very angry and tell me to leave home.

Bro, sounds like a great plan. Working together will be problematic because one of them will have to leave. That is something you can address with her in the future, but keep that top of mind.

To expose at work, I would send a certified letter to the Director of HR, ccing a key VP, and both of their supervisors. I will try and find you a sample letter that one of our members developed.

I would get this sent out earlier, so it is timed to arrive the day you make your phone calls. That way it is all done on the same day and you only have one huge outburst to deal with.

Start by telling them you love your wife and want to save your marriage. Give them the facts about the affair and then ---------> real important ---> ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. When you do that, they tend to want to help and are more sympathetic to your cause. In every case, we hope they will give your wife a call and tell them they know. Leave it up to them on what to say.

When you call, lay out your names, phone #s and write out some key talking points. The first call will be tough, but once you get through that, the others will go easier.

I will go look for the letter to send to work and post it.

, i exposed my wifes affair to her family and friends a few months ago. One of the things I wished Id done differently is acknowledge to her family that there were problems in our marriage which I was partly responsible for. My wife had been unhappy for some time and had asked me to go to counseling before and I refused.

So after I exposed the affair my wife told them i had only told half the story - she had been unhappy for five years and I didn’t care, she had been begging me to go to counseling for years etc. Her family were somewhat fooled by this and it took the edge of their initial disgust towards her. Although they saw through this pretty quickly I think I would have had more credibility if i had acknowledged my part in her unhappiness before hand.

I also exposed at work but I should have done it sooner and higher up the workplace chain of command. I didn’t do this immediately because of a misguided concern about ruining my wife’s career. I did this in spite of the very good advice I got from this forum including MelodyLane. In retrospect I should have. Although their employer took no action when I eventually did expose properly, the work atmosphere became so uncomfortable the OM resigned.

Bro, one more thing. when you do expose you WILL feel better. You will be taking action to save your family rather than sitting pathetically on the sidelines. You have a good plan here - do not shrink from it, fear can drive you to find all sorts of reasons to back down or delay. Do not let fear dictate your decisions. Good luck Bro, Ill be thinking of you.

Thanks for the excellent post, betterorworse.

While the BS does have some culpability in the state of the marriage, he never has any culpability in the AFFAIR.

As such, the sins of the BS and other sins of the WS should not be dredged up in this exposure call. The purpose is to expose the affair, not to dredge up everyone's dirty laundry.

It is EXPECTED that the WS will spin and rationalize her affair by demonizing the BS to the exposure targets. That is part of her FOG. Sane people KNOW there is no excuse for an affair and won't be moved by her foggy rationalizations.

Be very careful not to let on that you are going to expose.

My wife got tipped off and tried to get OM to kill me.

Thanks for your support Melodylane

I would appreciate the letter that you mentioned in your earlier post. We have just had a massive argument, I have stopped her using msn messenger to talk to om and she asked me to allow access and I said no. Then she went off on one saying all the typical FOG comments bringing thinks up from the past, its nothing to do with om why are splitting up, its all your fault for beining controlling and unloving etc. She even said its not an Affair I see myself as not being married now!!!I then said when you are going out with him you need to arrange a baby sitter I am not having my nose rubbed in it anymore.

Have I have just blown it this seems like loads of lovebusters to me.

Wife has just said that she is telling her parents about our situation, she plans to do it 2 days after I had planned to expose so I am ok.

My only concern is will it have any effect exposing when she say she is doing it anyway!!1

Did you burst out laughing when she spewed this fog? If you didnt, then I am going to give you a MEDAL!!

I like that you have interfered with her IMing the OM from your home and think you did the right thing. It is profoundly disrespectful for her to carry on her adultery in YOUR home where your children reside. I think it is good that you refuse to babysit while she carry on her adultery.

Ask her politely to take her AFFAIR conversations off of your property away from you and the children. And then SMILE. Be polite and be FIRM.

Bro, be firm, be polite and don't let her drag you into anymore fights. If you fight with her, you hand her ammunition to use against you.

You did good here standing up for yourself and your kids. Just don't fight with her. Be POLITE when you defend yourself, but be sure and defend yourself.

Don't worry! What matters is that you speak to them FIRST so they get the truth. Do not tell her you plan on exposing. She wants to get to these people first so she can SPIN them with lies.

You, of course, will be starring as the demon and therefore, she is fully justified in her adultery. did you hear that odd sound??

As mel says expose first. Expose tonight.