Just for fun, here's my garden.

http://www.outdooroutlet.com/SS/garden/garden1.jpg

I weeded this morning, it's looking pretty good now. The photo was taken a few weeks ago.

SS

Wow - that's a pretty big patch. Here I was sore for 2 days after tilling my 10 x 20 ft vegetable patch

I finished planting yesterday when the sun came out and now have everything protected against squirrels & bunnies with deer netting. The strawberry and pepper patch is also dog proofed and planted. After all the rain we've had, I'm sure I'll have some weeds to pull this week.

This year I have 3 kinds of tomatoes (beefsteak, Roma, and cherry), zucchini, eggplant (yecchh...my W loves it though), broccoli (DD's fave), strawberries and red sweet peppers. I stioll haven't finished last year's bumper crop of jalapenos which I pickled in October, so I didn't plant any this year.

A 6x6x6 hole? Thought the Navy way scared ya? Did you used to be a drill sergeant, lol? You can't dig 6 ft down anywhere in my yard because we sit on a bedrock shelf, so I might need a jackhammer for that

On the other hand, my septic needs pumping so I have to dig at least a 2x3x3 ft hole - and since I'm not sure I remember where the cover is, it may be a 2x30x30 hole, lol.

I so appreciate you coming in on my thread...an email will be on the way soon.

Wow - that's a pretty big patch. Here I was sore for 2 days after tilling my 10 x 20 ft vegetable patch

I inherited a troy built tiller from my grand father when he passed away. It does all the heavy work for me.

I finished planting yesterday when the sun came out and now have everything protected against squirrels & bunnies with deer netting. The strawberry and pepper patch is also dog proofed and planted. After all the rain we've had, I'm sure I'll have some weeds to pull this week.

I know what you mean about "dog proofed." Our dog used to walk down the tomato rows eating the ripe tomatoes. Sadly, he has passed away also.

This year I have 3 kinds of tomatoes (beefsteak, Roma, and cherry), zucchini, eggplant (yecchh...my W loves it though), broccoli (DD's fave), strawberries and red sweet peppers. I stioll haven't finished last year's bumper crop of jalapenos which I pickled in October, so I didn't plant any this year.

So you have one variety of tomato that is indeterminate, and one that is determinate. I also try to grow both kinds. We make salsa and spaghetti sauce out of the roma's and use the other kinds for table tomatoes. And of course the cherry tomatoes. I found out that some varieties of cherry tomatoes are determinate. That doesn't make any sense at all to me.

We also have zucchani, but no egg plant. (though I like it.) It's too hot here for broccoli but we do sweet bell peppers, and hot peppers too. Also carrots, beets, and cabbage, but we have more room than you do. The green along the fence are boysenberries (great jam) and there is are grape vines on the lower level next to the lawn. We live in the desert southwest with about the same climate as Las Vegas Nevada.

A 6x6x6 hole? Thought the Navy way scared ya? Did you used to be a drill sergeant, lol? You can't dig 6 ft down anywhere in my yard because we sit on a bedrock shelf, so I might need a jackhammer for that

A jackhammer would be good. You would sleep much, much better.

On the other hand, my septic needs pumping so I have to dig at least a 2x3x3 ft hole - and since I'm not sure I remember where the cover is, it may be a 2x30x30 hole, lol.

I think I'll come by after work and watch. From a chair, in the shade.

I so appreciate you coming in on my thread...an email will be on the way soon.

We are all in this world together. We may as well help each other out when we can. Maybe we can have a little fun with it as we go along too. I hope we can.

Ss

So you have one variety of tomato that is indeterminate, and one that is determinate. I also try to grow both kinds. We make salsa and spaghetti sauce out of the roma's and use the other kinds for table tomatoes. And of course the cherry tomatoes. I found out that some varieties of cherry tomatoes are determinate. That doesn't make any sense at all to me.

Yeah, I grow the Romas because W prefers them in salads, and I like to make chili. W doesn't understand that Romas produce all in a few weeks then they're done. It'd be nice to have a hot climate year round so I could stagger my plantings and get several harvests. Our climate is such that if you get them in the ground now, you'll get a good early harvest, but you still risk a frost. On the other hand, if you wait until mid May you won't get a harvest until October, and stand a good chance of having everything suffer from a drought. I like to plant early.

I think the determinate cherry tomatoes are the ones that they sometimes call 'grape' tomatoes. They look like dwarf romas to me.

We also have zucchani, but no egg plant. (though I like it.) It's too hot here for broccoli but we do sweet bell peppers, and hot peppers too. Also carrots, beets, and cabbage, but we have more room than you do. The green along the fence are boysenberries (great jam) and there is are grape vines on the lower level next to the lawn. We live in the desert southwest with about the same climate as Las Vegas Nevada.

Sounds like a great climate for a gardener if you don't have to deal with water restrictions during the summer. We live in a watershed, so each summer around late July we wind up with water restrictions. Everyone has a well, and you don't want your well to go dry - that would be very bad.

I think I'll come by after work and watch. From a chair, in the shade.

Bring your bug spray:) It's Mayfly season

We are all in this world together. We may as well help each other out when we can. Maybe we can have a little fun with it as we go along too. I hope we can.

Small vent needed. It's so lovely when Plan A collides head-on with a LB.

Last night was the dreaded dance class photos for my DD. W left work early to pick her up from daycare so she could bring her home and get her made up, dressed and hair done for the photos, and then brought her back for the photo shoot. I offered to help if I could, but was told there was nothing for me to do. So I decided that I'd get a nice dinner ready for when they got home. I wasn't sure what W's plans were though (Happy Meal while waiting for the photog? - who knew?). So I called and left her a voice mail: "I know you're really busy, but if you get a sec, please let me know if I'm cooking for 3 tonight or if you have other plans. Love you both.."

Response (she calls me while she and DD are on the way to the dance studio - actually passed her while she was saying all this): "You know, I don't have time for this s**t. I'm late already and I really don't care what you do for dinner. I was supposed to be there 5 minutes ago, and that's all I care about right now." Me: "OK, sorry to bother you."

10 minutes later, I'm home cutting up meat for kabobs (well, screw her anyway...DD and I both deserve a nice meal) and the phone rings: "I forgot DD's dance shoes and I don't have time to go home and get them. I need you to bring them down to the studio." Me: "I'll be there as quick as I can."

So I jump in the truck and race down to hand her the shoes. Running up 3 flights of stairs, because the elevator's too slow, and I give her the shoes. Now she wants to be jovial... Me: "OK, I have to run, I have the truck running out front. See you at home."

By the time I got home I was so pissed I could spit. But I didn't. I went inside and finished cutting my meat, lit the grill and made some really awesome kabobs, that were ready by the time they got home, and very much enjoyed. Want the recipe? they were awesome!

1 16 oz Ribeye steak, cut into cubes
1 lb chicken tenders, cut into cubes
Red pepper
Cherry tomatoes
Zucchini
Mushroom

Skewer the meat and veggies on separate skewers (so the veggies don't burn) and baste them with the following mixture:

3 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
3 tbsp honey
2 tbsp minced garlic
1 cup olive oil

Start the meat first and baste it each time you turn it. Once the meat is nearly done, sear the veggies on the hottest part of the fire and then let them cook slowly for about 10 minutes, basting liberally.

Enjoy...belch...repeat!

2
Thanks for the recipe, looks good.

Have you been establishing your boundaries? If not you need to.

What type of M do you want? How are you willing to be treated? What will you not accept?

She sounds like she's walking all over you. And she thinks she can. Being a man she can walk all over won't get you any points. KWIM? It's a fine line when you are in plan A. But you need to show her that you have boundaries and are not willing to be treated with total disregard.

Establish boundaries, state them and enforce them. Eventually when the fog lifts she will respect that.

Enforcing healthy boundaries is self improvement.

Remember what you can control....what you will accept. Start making that clear.

Small vent needed. It's so lovely when Plan A collides head-on with a LB.

What greater LB is there than an affair?
She is not invested in this process. She WILL LB.
She'll LB daily in all kinds of ways.
We know she will.
What we don't know, and what is probably more important is - how will you react?
How you react to her LB's may very well decide how this goes.

Last night was the dreaded dance class photos for my DD. W left work early to pick her up from daycare so she could bring her home and get her made up, dressed and hair done for the photos, and then brought her back for the photo shoot. I offered to help if I could, but was told there was nothing for me to do. So I decided that I'd get a nice dinner ready for when they got home.

Your desires were admirable. That is part of a good plan A.

.........I called and left her a voice mail.......
Response "You know, I don't have time for this s**t. I'm late already and I really don't care what you do for dinner. I was supposed to be there 5 minutes ago, and that's all I care about right now." Me: "OK, sorry to bother you."

To tell the truth, I have had similar thoughts about my W when I was that pressed for time, and she called me. I didn't verbalize them, but they were there. This is not out of the ordinary.
It's not nice, and it shouldn't have happened, but it's not unusual.

10 minutes later, I'm home cutting up meat for kabobs (well, screw her anyway...DD and I both deserve a nice meal) and the phone rings: "I forgot DD's dance shoes and I don't have time to go home and get them. I need you to bring them down to the studio." Me: "I'll be there as quick as I can."

So she treats you rotten and you still rescue her. That is the way you it should be when it's D that needs the help. You shouldn't penalize daughter when W is the one being nasty to you.

So I jump in the truck and race down to hand her the shoes. Running up 3 flights of stairs, because the elevator's too slow, and I give her the shoes. Now she wants to be jovial... Me: "OK, I have to run, I have the truck running out front. See you at home."

Of course she wants to be jovial........ she was mean to you, and you still saved her. She wants to mend things at least a little bit.

By the time I got home I was so pissed I could spit. But I didn't. I went inside and finished cutting my meat, lit the grill and made some really awesome kabobs, that were ready by the time they got home, and very much enjoyed. Want the recipe? they were awesome!

This (to me) was the most interesting part of your post. Well.... the recipe was interesting too, because I was hungry when I read this, but you know what I mean.

Is there any reason to get angry with her when she does bad stuff to you?

Won't you be better off running a caculated plan that takes into account that THIS STUFF WILL HAPPEN quite often?

I am not saying you should be a door mat. You can avoid her when she is at her worst, and you can D her if it continues. What I am saying is........ well, lets use an example.

I am not a big sports fan, but a few years ago I watched a pro basketball game where the point guard really impressed me. He was a true vetren of the sport, at the top of his game. He was fouled, knocked to the floor......... but he just kept playing his game. The other team did everything they could to rattle him, to stop him and shut him down, but he just kept playing. He brought the ball down with such an amazing skill that I couldn't believe anyone could be that cool under such pressure. He kept making the shots, he kept making the plays happen, and he never lost his cool the whole game, even when his team was behind.

I believe that he understood that the best way to win was to run his plan, and not be swayed or distracted from doing that.

I think this is where you are at this point. SHE WANTS YOU TO BE RATTLED, AND TO LOOSE IT. If she gets you to loose it, then she justfies in her mind all the bad things she has been thinking about you.

The best thing you can do is to keep running your plan. Keep being a good dad. Keep being a good husband.

Keep in mind the light house. It's job is to perform when? When it's calm and clear?
No.
The light house is there to preform when it's stormy. When no one knows what direction to go. When things are at their worst, when the night is dark,and things seem out of control.

You need to be the light house. Your daughter needs that, and your marriage needs it. Your W doesn't know it, but she needs it too.

Make sure you have a really high amp breaker installed on your power circuts. You don't want to blow during the storm.

SS

Michele,

It IS a fine line. I find myself struggling wtih what my boundaries should be without LBing. I think that once I know what my boundaries are, I'll know how to establish them. I don't know if that makes much sense, but at this stage of the game I'm so sensitive to every hurt and each button pushed that it's hard for me to tell where my own boundaries are. See my reply to SS for more on that.

To tell the truth, I have had similar thoughts about my W when I was that pressed for time, and she called me. I didn't verbalize them, but they were there. This is not out of the ordinary.
It's not nice, and it shouldn't have happened, but it's not unusual.

Agreed - and I think you're right on about why her mood changed so quickly. What would have helped is if she had acknowledged that she was nasty on the phone and I rescued her anyway. I know that I can't EXPECT her to apologise and make nice, but that doesn't mean I can't WANT her to

So she treats you rotten and you still rescue her. That is the way you it should be when it's D that needs the help. You shouldn't penalize daughter when W is the one being nasty to you.

That's exactly why I jumped to it so quick...D was directly affected. If it was just W, I'd have rescued her anyway, but I wouldn't have rushed as much.

So I jump in the truck and race down to hand her the shoes. Running up 3 flights of stairs, because the elevator's too slow, and I give her the shoes. Now she wants to be jovial... Me: "OK, I have to run, I have the truck running out front. See you at home."

This (to me) was the most interesting part of your post. Well.... the recipe was interesting too, because I was hungry when I read this, but you know what I mean.

Is there any reason to get angry with her when she does bad stuff to you?

Won't you be better off running a caculated plan that takes into account that THIS STUFF WILL HAPPEN quite often?

I am not saying you should be a door mat. You can avoid her when she is at her worst, and you can D her if it continues. What I am saying is........ well, lets use an example.

I am not a big sports fan, but a few years ago I watched a pro basketball game where the point guard really impressed me. He was a true vetren of the sport, at the top of his game. He was fouled, knocked to the floor......... but he just kept playing his game. The other team did everything they could to rattle him, to stop him and shut him down, but he just kept playing. He brought the ball down with such an amazing skill that I couldn't believe anyone could be that cool under such pressure. He kept making the shots, he kept making the plays happen, and he never lost his cool the whole game, even when his team was behind.

I believe that he understood that the best way to win was to run his plan, and not be swayed or distracted from doing that.

I think this is where you are at this point. SHE WANTS YOU TO BE RATTLED, AND TO LOOSE IT. If she gets you to loose it, then she justfies in her mind all the bad things she has been thinking about you.

The best thing you can do is to keep running your plan. Keep being a good dad. Keep being a good husband.

I think I did just that. This applies to what Michele said above about boundaries...I think that I had a right to feel hurt. But at the same time, I'm pretty easy to hurt now, which is why I have a hard time figuring out where Plan A ends and the doormat begins. I think I reacted the right way in this sitch. I got LBed big time, and made the choice not to LB back. Frankly, I was expecting her to blame me for forgetting the shoes because if she hadn't been dealing with my voicemail message she would have remembered. She didn't do that, and I give her credit. Tonight, we go to MC again, and I think I want to talk about what happened last night if the opportunity presents. I think it's a good example of where one of my boundaries SHOULD be. I don't claim that hurting me is unacceptable, but it needs to be acknowledged and atoned for. You're absolutely right - there's no bigger LB than the A, but the truth is that I could forgive her for it if she'd only start acting like she needed or wanted forgiving.

I needed to vent about it a bit here, because I wanted to let it go and avoid LBing...but I was still pissed this morning. I'm not now (thanks MG & SS). I think I handled it pretty well...but you guys are right - I need to start figuring out where boundaries are and learn to not be a doormat and Plan A at the same time. I don't think I did act like a doormat yesterday, but it's good to know that it's a hazard on the road ahead.

2
You're doing fine. It's hard.

Vent all you want here.

Like SS said, her LBing is a given. It's what WSs do. Don't take it to heart, ya gotta protect it.

Hope MC goes well. Keep a cool head.

MC was very interesting last night. I got to see W squirm, and it wasn't me that caused it. During the last session (which I went to alone) my assignment was to work on expressing my negative feelings without blame or judgement (e.g. I feel hurt, NOT you hurt me). So the first thing MC did was to ask if I had a chance to practice it. I said that I only had one chance and I let it go by. I then explained what happened with the phone call that I vented about. I added that the reason I didn't take the opportunity to talk about it was that the hurt had passed by the time it was convenient for me to talk about it. MC praised me for making a good decision not to address it in the moment (which would have added fuel to the fire) and for taking the time to cool down and realize it wasn't that big a deal.

So then she asked me to practice then, in the session. So I used the phone call (since I made it clear that it was in the past and there were no hurt feelings remaining). "I felt very hurt when you snapped at me on the phone last night. I know you were in a rush, but I don't think I deserved being snapped at when all I was trying to do was help. I felt hurt and frustrated." Then W was asked how it made her feel to hear that from me. She started by justifying - "I was in a rush and he knew I would be in a rush and it was just the worst time for him to call." No, no, the MC said...how did it make YOU feel to hear him express his feelings that way. "Um. Uh. I don't really have an answer for that."

MC could tell that W was getting uncomfortable, so she redirected it. "OK, you express how you felt without using any blame or making judgments." W started telling the MC how she felt and doing more justifying. "OK, now turn to H and tell HIM how you felt." W says, "I'd really rather just get my thoughts together." She looked like she was about to cry and couldn't look at me while she was talking about it.

In my head I was thinking "finally, someone else gets to witness this behavior. She sits here and claims that she's open and expressive about her feelings and that the problem is that I only focus on how her feelings make me feel. And now she can't even look at me and talk about an issue that's already resolved and is only an exercise. Wow...finally the MC gets to see this." My feelings in that moment were mixed. I felt happy that for once, someone else got a taste of how she deals with conflict. But at the same time, my instinct is to protect her and I could see how uncomfortable she was. It was hard work to just sit and listen and watch.

Finally W was able to do the exercise. "I was angry because you knew what time I had to have DD to the dance studio and you chose THAT time to call. If you had called an hour earlier it wouldn't have been a problem." (wasn't really what we were trying to accomplish in the exercise, but ok.) My turn to respond, "I'm sorry I forgot what time you had to be there, and I'm sorry it caused you frustration. Next time I'll pay closer attention so I can choose a more appropriate time."

So then MC asks me what I was looking to hear from W when I told her I'd been hurt. I said that even though I did understand why she snapped at me, it still hurt and I'd like to hear "I'm sorry I snapped at you." W starts justifying again. I explained that if I bumped into someone walking down the street and they skinned their knee, I'd still have a responsibility to care for the wound even though it wasn't my intent to knock them over and hurt them. Any reasonable person would know that it was an accident, and not bear any ill will, but justifying it as an accident doesn't relieve me of the need to apologise and soothe the wound however I can. W started getting quiet. I think she got it and didn't like it. By this point she was very uncomfortable, and the MC very wisely redirected the conversation. The rest of the session, the MC talked to W about her family and how they dealt with anger. I sat quietly and listened, and offered an observation or 2.

When the session ended W had regained her composure (of course - the focus was on her feelings). As we were wrapping up, I saw another opportunity and hit it out of the park. MC wasn't going to be available on our regular night next week and needed the session to be on Thursday instead of Tuesday. W said this doesn't work for the sitter. MC was talking about skipping next week and I offered "you know, since I came alone last week because of the sitter, if W wants to come on Thursday I can stay home with DD and then she can have equal time." W says (yes she really said this) "I'm flexible, it's up to you." I said, "No honey, it's not up to me. If you think it would benefit you, then you have the opportunity." She agreed to go to the Thursday session by herself and we would go as a couple the following Tuesday as usual. Shwing! "he hits one out of the park, and the fans go wild!" On the way home, we continued talking about some of her family issues (she initiated this). It was a nice conversation with no judgments or LBs.

So last night I started to really feel better. I certainly felt a lot more positive about my own efforts and relieved that W's role in our issues has become more visible. Up to now, most of our discussions have been about MY depression and about ME withdrawing and ME being unapproachable. It was such a relief to have it shown to me, that no...it ain't just me. And I got across the message that I really need W to hear, without addressing the A directly. To me, that's huge. It's going to be interesting to see how she reacts, and especially to see what happens after her IC session. This counselor is very good, and she gets it. I think she's truly committed to saving our marriage and not just taking the shortest path to resolution.

I'm feeling pretty good today

So much for feeling good. This is a cross post from my new thread about snooping:

I just caught W sending nude pictures of herself to a former lover from college. Well, actually, she hadn't sent it yet, she was editing it and I unexpectedly walked out of the bedroom. I confronted her on it - she claimed she was just "playing around with the camera" and offered to show me her email. Obviously she wouldn't have offered to show me if there was anything to see. She didn't have to - I had already read most of her email with this guy. The last one she playfully asked him if his intentions were honorable and he replied "no, my plan was to seduce you and *** you until you can't walk straight (was that in my out loud voice?)"

I haven't stopped shaking for 30 minutes. I then told her that we really needed to talk about our marriage. She said no...she wasn't going to stay up til the wee hours stressing about it.

I really think I might be done. I think this has just gone beyond what I can handle...I think at this point I really need out.

I called out sick today, so I can gather my thoughts and rethink my plan. Need some help thinking this through. At this point I'm wondering if I'm ready for Plan B. I'm also wondering if I should start Plan B on our anniversary (tomorrow). First thing I'm going to do is call the MC and see if she can see me today and ask her advice.

I have lots of the emails exchanged (not all of them) and I have the picture (but not the email she sent it in - she deleted it and purged it right away).

The question is - if we go to Plan B, can I leave the house and avoid being charged with abandonment? How should I present it to DD5? I'm sure that if I asked her to leave she wouldn't (OM2 is 5000 miles away).

My head is spinning. I really need help getting a Plan together to deal with this.

2

DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!! This is detrimental to you and your DD. I don't have a bunch of time right now, but I wanted you to get that off the thinking block.

Courts DO NOT look favorably on H's leaving the home for any reason.

I know...I just can't think of how we're going to do Plan B living in the same house

So you are saying that the mechanic is out of the picture, and now she's having an EA with a former BF?

That's what it looks like - no evidence of contact with the mechanic.

Here's the email OM2 sent an hour before I caught WW sending the nude picture:

Subject:   Re: Hmmm...
From:   xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (OM2)
Date:   Thu, May 8, 2008 10:06 pm
To:   xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Priority:   Normal


Did I say honorable? I'm sorry, I meant to say I intended to seduce you and **** you till you couldnt walk straight. (was that my out loud voice)


--- On Thu, 5/8/08, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

> From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (WW)
> Subject: Re: Hmmm...
> To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> Date: Thursday, May 8, 2008, 6:38 PM

> honorable intentions, huh?
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (OM2)
> To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 3:47 PM
> Subject: Re: Hmmm...
>
>
>
> i'm sure you'll think of something. Let me
> know what you come up with.
> :P
> > > > -Aa > > > >

> > --- On Thu, 5/8/08, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(WW) wrote:
>> From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>> Subject: Hmmm...
>> To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
>> Date: Thursday, May 8, 2008, 12:31 PM

>> It might cost you.....haven't decided what
> yet.

Another thing that's got me in a dither is that we had plans to go to dinner tonight for anniversary. I also had some sweet things I was going to do ON our anniversary (tomorrow). I don't know if I should abandon all that and just celebrate Mother's Day with her and DD on Sunday, or carry out my anniversary plans. I certainly don't feel very loving right now and most of what I had planned would feel fake (and probably come off that way too).

I feel so lost..and I need to be the one with a clear head. I thought I could handle this by now.

Are you keeping some kind of journal with all of this information in it?

It's time to get some of your ducks in a row. Get some legal counsel. You must do this before plan B.

Your WW is going from one OM to another without taking a breath. You've got to protect yourself financially and the well being of your DD. Unfortunately, the courts usually side with the mother when custody battles ensue no matter what she is doing unless it's child abuse. Document everything. Give yourself the best case scenario. Write down your daily involvement with DD. And what you do at home. Keep it updated.

IMO I would plan A my butt off tomorrow and Mother's Day. Make them both memorable. Then do a 180. Do this 180 until you get all your ducks in a row. Then go to plan B. 180 is still part of Plan A, but it starts to show WS a glimmer of you moving on. Being a doormat is off the table.

This is a very good list.

_______________________________________________________________

The 180
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.

courtesy of pomdbd3

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You still remain calm and you still keep on improving on you. You are still making good changes. The difference is how you "appear" to WW. Most women would see a 180 as an intolerance of their behavior, unlike a straight Plan A which shows them your complete wiilingness to give them a second chance. It shows more strength and back bone.

Plan B is on the horizon...

Also IMHO before you do the 180, you should confront her about the "new" OM. She should know that you know. And she should know how much pain that causes you. I'd also expose the new OM to others as well. Does he have a spouse?

Start the process over for the new OM. And I'd hit the ground running.

That's my more than .02.