Believe me, after today and her closing the door once again, I don't want the "old marriage" back any more!

I may have missed it, but exactly where are your children tonight?

Abandoned,

Please read what you posted carefully
Do you realize how many rules for a good marriage you violated? See how many you can find in this paragraph alone.

You failed to communicate with your W your feelings.
You forgot or tried to forget her affairs. (I'll touch on that in a moment.)
You nor she made any changes and never learned from those affairs. (I'll touch on that in a moment.)
Your communications with your W were poor.

I think there are many others, but let's stop at these for a moment.

First, IF there is ANY good to come from an affair, it is through the learning and change an affair should push anyone to do. You did not learn nor did your W, and so here you are again.
You also tried to "forget" the affair, I am sure you have not, but worse you should ALWAYS remember an affair. Why? You cannot learn from something you forgot. You cannot grow from something you forgot. You cannot avoid something you forgot. Are you getting the picture.

In the best of worlds you and your W should have not only remembered the affairs but discussed them, learned from them, and used them to guide your future behavior.

I am guessing but deep down you have resentment from those affairs and the fact that nothing was resolved and you never really talked with her about them. That resentment has probably manifested itself in many forms not easy to notice, but one form that is often seen is "control". Control is often driven by fear, and I am betting you had/have a lot of fear based on your W's affairs.

You are NOT her father. You may not be her husband much longer. You will be the father of those children and she will be the mother. Nothing can change that last statement.

Finally, the fact that you never conveyed to her how hurt your were and continued to be from her affair has hurt you more deeply than you might truly realize. It also may have hurt her. You allowed her to avoid the consequences of her choices and failures. YOu denied her the chance to make things "right". You denied her a chance to see inside you, and I am betting you have been guarding yourself carefully for many years now.

Well, Am I close?? I am betting that I am. But, the worst part of not addressing all of this in the past is that it is still the big elephant in under the livingroom rug. It still haunts you, your marriage, your W and is hurting the kids.

Ok, so after this long lecture what do I recommend? Just what I recommended earlier, self-examination, growth, learning, and a completely new perspective on WHO you are, who you want to be, and who you WILL be. This is NOT about her, this is about YOU.

I always told my children who played alot of sports even through college, that being the "underdog" is a highly overrated position. It usually means you are not good enough, you are just setting up excuses to be a "victim" and lose. My point, you should NOT come out of this as a victim, but as a stronger man, a better man, a great father, and someone who people look to for strength and guidance, not because they "think" you have strength, but because you DO have strength.

You are being tested Abandoned, it is time to study up and pass the exam. Focus on you, your future, and your children.

Your W will have to do the same if and when she starts to face herself as we are asking you to do for yourself.

Life is long and often very funny, prepare for it.

God Bless,

JL

JL, Exactly!!! It may be my fault that the previous A's were never dealt with. Maybe, since things were so easy before, she knew she could take this chance now and hope for the best.

There have definitely been many issues of resentment building up in me for a long time. Today, I only saw loneliness and fear for the future. Now, I see hope. Hope that, if she chooses, we can truly begin a marriage and not a dependency. Hope that, if she doesn't choose, I can move on without her and have a better life because of the lessons learned.

I will not settle for what has been. I feel I should thank her for awakening me. Both I and my children deserve better!

I allowed her to have them for a sleepover at the friends with whom she is staying. After all, it IS Mother's Day!

AW3,

The blameshifting continues years after things are officially over.

I received legal papers where my ex claims that I ruined her friendships and that it's my fault her old friends dont' talk to her.

Well, I just talked to one of her old friends today. She had a very different take on that and, surprise, surprise, the loss of the friendship has absolutely nothing to do with me or anything I've ever said.

So what she is doing isn't surprising.

It will be your fault if there is an earthquake in California.

Didn't you know that the cyclone in Asia was your doing too?

Pom is right many things may be attributed to you, but her affairs are NOT one of them. As much as we are pushing to take responsibility for things, we are NOT pushing you to take responsibility for your W's decisions to have affairs. Those are hers to own and would suggest that everytime she makes a comment about her affairs being attributed to you, that you point out "you having an affiar was never discussed with me, never given approval by me, and totally a product of your decisions not mine. I will accept responsibility for the state of the marriage but NOT the affairs."

Us what we have been telling you, what you read in Harley's articles, what you can learn from your minister, and counselor, to address YOUR issues, not hers. Focus on you.

God Bless,
JL

Thanks guys, it is now time for Plan B. I told her earlier, as I was picking up the kids, that I "love her enough to let her go." There will be no more phone calls or emails initiated by me. I have agreed to reach a compromised agreement on visitation with the kids. I only asked that she stop lieing about me at every opportuniy. Her friends keep CALLING ME and telling me in disbelief all that she has said. I will carry on for myself and my kids and hope she wakes up. Actualy, that she wakes up before it's too late..."God will not be Mocked!"

aw3,

Please forgive my skepticism, but I still believe there is MUCH more to this story than what you have chosen to share.

Also, I want to make it abundantly clear that I in NO way condone your wife's behavior. Having affairs and abandoning your children is about as bad as it gets in my book. Whether you are a mother OR father.

That said, I am left with an impression from what you write that you have NEVER taken your wife very seriously except perhaps in terms of her paycheck. You have written about her "dependence" in
so many posts that I am unable to quote just one. aw3, you appear to me to have THRIVED on your wife's dependence and yet resented it at the same time.

Your WW has managed to leave you, her kids, find a place to live and keep a job despite her bad behavior. Her behavior may be reprehensible, but it is certainly not DEPENDENT. As for the comment you made several times that "she said she could never be alone"....well....so what?....Most people do not want to be alone. God created woman because he himself said that it was not good for man to be alone.

In your very first post you say you treated her like a princess, requiring her to do almost nothing. You say that she had to talk to you about spending even small amounts of money. It sounds very much to me like there was nothing you wanted MORE than for her to be dependent on you, unless of course, you decided that she SHOULDN'T be dependent on you. In other words, as you say, she "finally" has a decent paying job. Do you see ,at all, the conflict in what you have presented here?

Whatever happens with you and your wife, you need to seriously look at your controlling behavior. For WHATEVER reasons you have used controlling behavior, you HAVE used it. It has backfired mightily for you, for your kids and even for your wife. I suggested the book, Controlling People by Patricia Evans. I suggest it again.

Although it may not appear so, I in NO way blame YOU for your wife's continued adultery. It's just that you mentioned so many times that YOU were content. She clearly was NOT. There is clearly a disconnect in HOW you see your wife. This CAN be remedied and SHOULD be, because even if you do divorce, you will be connected through your children forever.

WH2LE

I don't disagree with you at all. I just never examined things from this perspective and she never openly communicated these concerns to me at all. I am saying that these were problems from my own perspective. I wasn't interested in controlling her, but I was the one handling the banking chores, so therefore I was the one to validate financial decisions. We almost ALWAYS did want she wanted in all areas of life. From the home we built, to the cars we drive, to becoming foster parents. I really had very limited control, and I didn't really want what I had. I don't want you to be mislead, I AM accepting my role in our M's demise, but I can't fix the obvious problems I see while she is not willing to try. A professional counselor would have done us a world of good 10+ years ago, one still could, but I can't MAKE her do this of she is not willing.
Besides, NONE OF THIS excuses 3 affairs! ALL M's have problems, I will just know how to better communicate the issues and concerns I have the next time, whether it's with her or someone else!

aw3,

I specifically mentioned the financial issues in my last post, but you also talked about doing all the housework, taking care of the kids, cooking the meals, etc. And you acted as though you did all of this FOR her so that she did not have to.

I am talking about your apparent NEED for her to be dependent. She has not demonstrated dependent behavior. Affairs are PROFOUNDLY "in"dependent behavior.

I said twice in my last post that I DO NOT BLAME YOU for your wife's affairs. There is no excuse for affairs. I am merely suggesting that you have not been looking completely at your own behavior. And that controlling behaviors do seem to be a part of the issue.

Thinking about it more, I realize that I am suggesting this to you because controlling behaviors are HUGE Love Busters and I know that no Plan A or Plan B can be effective if these issues are not dealt with. I am hoping that you will consider the possibility and read more on this subject. If I am totally off-base, well... that would be great....things will be that much easier for you and your kids. And if not, maybe you will have found a way to improve your life. I think all of us have SOME control issues and could benefit from examining ourselves in this way.

You can indeed fix the problems without her cooperation. She just won't get the benefit of the "fixing".

I raised my children as a single mother and it was both unbelievably difficult and unbelievably satisfying. I completely understand the difficulties ahead of you.

Blessings,
WH2LE

WH2LE,

I have been reading your comments with interest. "Controling" is a word OFTEN used on these sites by the WS. It seems to justify about everything. I am having troubles seeing things from your perspective in that a woman that does 90% of the housework, takes care of the kids, and handles the finances, is not called "controling" She is called Mom and on today of all days she would be highly revered by her children and her H.

So Abandoned is a Dad doing these things just doesn't compute for me with being controling, although he was clearly in "control" of the household as is my W, you, and most mothers.

I am sure we don't know the whole story. I do know that Abandoned waiting on his W in order to work on his issues is foolhardy on his part. He needs to get to work on his issues NOW. It will help in this marriage, and any future relationships he has.

Abandoned, focus on your issues, identify them, address them, seek counseling for yourself right now. You need to see things from a new perspective and I have no doubt that her previous 2 A's have damaged you and hurt you in ways you are not fully aware of just yet. You need to be able to "set down" the baggage from all of this: for yourself, for your kids, for your marriage, and for any new relationships that may come in the future.

Work on you right now.

Also plan B needs to be started with a letter, a love letter really. Please read the examples you can find on this site. It offers love, a path home, with requirements such as OM is out of her life, and in your case a willingness to go to counseling by herself and marraige counseling together.

You need to consider counseling as well. You have a lot on your platter right now with all of the kids, your adoption coming up, you being a single Dad, and of course all of your W's affairs.

You know as nutty as this sounds her affairs may have been her way of telling you she grew up and wanted out of the marriage given that she really had no legitimate complaint against you. I don't know, you don't know, and she may not really know.

Focus on yourself Abandoned.

God Bless,

JL

"There will be no more phone calls or emails initiated by me."

This is not a plan B. Your statement indicates that you will accept contact from WW. Contact is not the same as NC. No NC, than you are not in plan B.

You need to have a third party to screen all contact to facilitate NC. Suggest a sibling.
Medical emergency concerning your children is the exception. A true emergency.

Plan B should be done with a straight to the point letter. That you will no longer have direct contact with WW until she gives up and goes NC with the OM. That WW is to use your contact person only in regards to the children or legal matters.

JL, right on! Isn't it ironic that mothers (on Mother's Day) who do all of the things I have been doing are revered as a good mom? I know countless women who treat their spouses in this manner, doing everything for them. Most men just allow it and some appreciate it. However, when I take on the housework, yardwrok, and finances, I am viewed as controlling? This makes about as much sense to me as the fact that my wife is now on her 3rd affair and has left her children behind! IF she viewed me as controlling, she never told me so and never announced that she wanted things differently, I certainly did want her assistance in more areas, but I was content doing what I could to help her out as much as possible.

BTW, I feel that right now she is having her cake and eating it too. She has left but has still seen the kids everyday but 2. These were all official "visits," most were at ballgames they had or at other public events we all were attending. I don't want to punish the children, but how much visitation is "Reasonable?" We have agreed to come up with a written, set schedule for visitation tomorrow evening...how much do I need to give in? As for NC, I will allow her to call the kids, but I will not speak to her or take her calls during the day. I will seek out an intermediary who is willing to speak to her on my behalf. Emrgincies will be the only exception to this. I get it! She already has the letter (email) that explained my desires for R, my insistance of NC with OM, as well as my willingness to seek counseling if she chooses. I have asked her to stop trying to tell lies about me, seeking to make ME out as the bad guy in all of this. She will face the results of her decisions some day, hopefully sooner rather thatn later!

JL,(and aw3),

Sometimes I am so frustrated by the written word. Or perhaps it is merely my lack of prowess with it.

I am in no way suggesting that aw3 is controlling "because" he has handled the finances, housework, children, etc. It isn't WHAT is done, it is the spirit in which it is done. I know many, many women who rule their homes with great efficiency and control, to the detriment of their husbands, doing their best to make their husbands feel like incompetent children. It's an unacceptable situation all the way around. I am suggesting the possibility, and I do mean possibility, not certainty ,that control issues may be a part of what is going on in his marriage.

I base my concern over his repeated use of the word "dependent" when his wife is clearly NOT dependent. It seems to me that she is completely the opposite, very independent. I do NOT mean that in a positive way.

aw3 also speculated that the OM was a "predator". I think, especially given his wife's past behavior, that he is nothing more than a common garden-variety sleazeball adulterer(please forgive the DJ all FWS who are reading this). My concern with the word "predator" is that it again casts his wife in the light of a child who does not really know how to make decisions in her personal life. Again, she strikes me as extremely capable of making decisions, even IF they are bad ones.

I also have concern because aw3 has insisted that HE was content and had NO IDEA his wife was unhappy. This really is a hallmark of controlling behavior. Controllers think that because THEY are happy that their spouses should be too. His wife had an EA/PA just one and a half years ago. THAT is really very recently. She gave a pretty clear signal that she was unhappy. I do not believe this was in any way aw3's FAULT. But the truth is that if our spouse has an affair, we MUST assume they are unhappy in the marriage and work from THAT point. An affair of any kind has to be taken with the utmost seriousness and unless the spouse actually SAYS they are happy, it seems safe to assume they are NOT. While an affair is NEVER an acceptable way of working out a problem in marriage it is a SIGN that something probably has to change.

Most of all though, I have concern about the way aw3 felt he was meeting his wife's needs. If Domestic Support was a high EN for her, then his efforts might have been filling up her Love Bank. Dr. Harley talks about this when explaining WHY it is so important to meet the TOP ENs. It is not that his efforts would have been totally UN-appreciated, but if, just say, Financial Support was her top EN(I'm not implying that it was), then DS efforts would have a very low value in her Love Bank.

I can tell you from my own experience that my H has a hard time with this. DS is very low on my EN list. But he really feels that when he sweeps the floor that I should feel deeply loved and cherished. I DO appreciate it but it does NOT make me feel loved. My top EN is Openness and Honesty, followed closely by Affection. But he does not always want to be Open with me or even Honest unless it fits his particular need at the time. When he INSISTS that I should feel loved because he cooks a meal, etc. but will not meet my top ENS, I feel very controlled. He wants it HIS way, not the way I NEED it to be.

Conversely, I know that his particular Love Language is gifts. Gifts make him feel very special. But MINE is Quality Time. I have struggled in the past to not INSIST that Quality Time is a better love language. When I want him to respond to being loved with Quality Time but HE needs a GIFT, I am being controlling. Wanting it MY way and insisting on doing it because that way seems best to ME.

Again, this is just my take on this. I am a newbie here. I hope you will just toss my opinions aside if they don't fit. I just do not see the harm in considering the possibility that control issues have played a role here and may continue to. If they are NOT really an issue, all the better. I am very happy to stand corrected. Truly.

Also, I don't care HOW much control may Be a problem in a marriage. It NEVER justifies an affair. NEVER.

Someone suggested a few pages back(JL, was it you?) that control might even be a response to the pain of the betrayals. God knows I wish I could control my husband's comings and goings and every other aspect of his life to prevent another affair. Not going to happen though.

Again aw3, I FEEL very strongly for you. This is the hardest road to travel.

Blessings,
WH2LE

Wrknghard,

Please accept my apologies if you felt I was attacking you. I was not. I was/am offering a different perspective that is all.

Actually, I think you and I really agree on most if not all of the things each of us are saying to Abandoned. "Reality" has little role in the decisions of a WS. Their perceptions and rationalizations dominate their thinking.

You could be right, his doing all of this for his W was missing the mark, and in fact made her feel unneeded or controlled. Who is to know. She is not here.

Her previous affairs should have been a clue the marriage was NOT going well. This last one is more than a clue.

I do hope that Abandoned examines what each of us as well as others have offered for his consideration in developing a plan to address the rest of his life.

God Bless,

JL

I do understand that everyone wants to give sound advice, but that none of us are professionals here. I do see where I allowed myself to become controlling, even if I didn't intend to. However, if she doesn't have dependency issues, why can she only leave or want to leave after involving someone else? OM provides her the comfort and confidence to do this! It may be that she pursued OM in order to find a confidant through this. Who knows?

As to why I might have thought she were happy. Would you push to adopt a third child w/ someone you weren't happy with? I certainly wouldn't! Would you become exponentially more intimate with your husband in the week (and night) leading up to your deceitfully meeting another man out of town? She did... Exponentially! Would you take vacation after vacation, both alone and with the kids, and seem to be deeply in love and happy if you weren't? She did, a total of seven 3-9 day trips to be exact. Would you continue to work dilligently at your church hand in hand w/ your spouse if you weren't happy, affecting the lives of countless youth and adults? She has.

My point is, I can't pinpoint one indicator in the past year and a half that would've alerted me to her further unhappiness. The things that were discussed and that needed to be changed at that point were all about me in her eyes. She has NEVER truly examined herself and how she might further contribute to this relationship in a more positive way. She thought that I was too negative, sarcastic, and critical of her and others. I DID change those things about myself in order to save my home. It wasn't until there was OM involved that she became convinced that leaving was what she wanted. In fact, in the first 2 weeks they were talking daily on the phone, she became MUCH more physical and willing to initiate...daily, multiple times with me. THIS is alot of the reason I was so blindsided.

There were and are deep-seeded issues present here that I cannot address whie she is away. I see things that I'm not sure she fully comprehends (control/dependency) at this point. She has given no one any specific reasons as to why she has left, only saying that "she wasn't happy." She's stated that I am a great father but a terrible husband. She has attempted to lie about me and even assaulted my character to her old friends in an attempt to justify her own actions. None of them thus far have believed any of it. Her only allies are coworkers and the few friends that haven't been around our entire family very much, ...and OM.

In the end, we must all answer for our mistakes and bad decisions. I cannot bear her burdens right now, nor can she mine. Biblically, she has no justification for leaving. I have never abused her, I don't even drink at all, and I have NEVER had an affair. I know that her convictions about the Bible and what we have taught our children will eventually slap her in the face. It may be years from now. It could be when one of our children decides that, since church and moralilty didn't help their mother, they want to go their own way and ignore the teachings of their youth. Forgive me for being spiritual here, but the Bible says that the "way of the transgressor is hard," and that there is a "sin unto death." I will never be convinced that her leaving without even attempting to examine our marriage together or w/ a professional is anything other than wrong and a sin. I KNOW that her A's have all been wrong in God's eyes, even if they were not all physical. Right now, both I and hundreds of friends and family are just praying for her that she will become the woman we have all known and loved. She IS NOT that woman now. She has cheated, lied, decieved, cursed, manipulated, and even told me that she wished I would die! Forgive me, but this IS NOT the woman I have loved for most of my life and whom I thought I knew better than she knows herself (and, yes, she would and could say the same about me!). She currently is living in the fantasy she has created, in the fog, and IS NOT the woman I want to stay married to nor the one she always was. If or when she wakes up and the sun shines again, at that point we can address our co-issues, together, and with the help of a counselor. Until then, I love her enough to let her go!

I have examined ME. I can change those things about me in order for R to occur, I CANNOT change HER. She will have to decide that she wants to do that on her own. She may not, but I bear no moral burden for anything I have done, she will bear the weight of her actions!

In many other instances where there has been multiple A's, the WS has been labelled a serial cheater. He/she is a person who has character flaws, not just one who made a bad decision.

Abandoned, does your WW fit that mold? Could there possibly be a character flaw that has been there all along?

Control issues probably have a part in this, but I don't feel it's the only one or even the major factor(my FWH was very controlling in our R since day 1 and I did not have an A).

Until she chooses to come back and work on R, you won't know WHY. Spend this time working on you. Be a man that ANY woman would want.

I have to say this struck a chord with me, W2H, your post. Because it was on my mind all day yesterday, being Mother's Day. My H thinks he's the most wonderful H in the world; he's always going on about all these other jerks out there who mistreat their wives, while I secretly think 'good grief, I wish I could tell you what I really think about you.'

Many people, dare I say men, simply think they are right. They know best. They are better prepared to make the right decisions. So they should.

I let my H get in the habit of making all our decisions, and am now paying for it.

My H almost never helps with DS. In fact, our 5 year old house is falling apart because he never repairs anything. So it's a HUGE issue for me. So I thought, at least today, I can ask for him to do something for me, one of the hundred items he's never done; this year I'm going to stand up for myself and ask him to help me.

Anyway, yesterday, because it was 'my' day, I decided to not live by that system of letting him make the decisions, just for one day. I got up before everyone, worked for 2 hours til they got up at 9. H and D17 got up, whispered behind me as I worked at the kitchen table on taxes, put a present and cards on the kitchen counter. So I could see it and pick it up and open it. Instead I ignored it; if they can't do so much as hand me a gift, then I don't need the gift. (yes, I was pouting) Then they go and sit down and work on their computers. Then D17 goes upstairs.

So I get up to go pull weeds, and H says 'where are you going' and I say outside. He says wait; I do. He says look at this (on his computer); I go look at it, and then I start to go outside again. He tells me to go upstairs and get D17 to come down! So I just say no, and go out anyway (this may sound silly to you, but I have always done this for him; he never leaves his seat; we answer the phone, answer the door, bring him stuff; it's just what he expects).

Anyway, he follows me outside and starts taking over the weeding project even after I told him not to; he ended up restructuring the whole flower bed, which I didn't want. In his mind, he's being a wonderful husband by doing this work, even though I asked him not to. So I went to work on something else.

Then we go out to eat with his family (nephew graduated from college day before). Since we were near the big mall in town, and D17 loves going there, he starts driving there after lunch. He has decided that's what we need to do. He gets to the parking garage and says 'is this what you want to do? It's your day.' I say 'no, I really wanted to go home and have you guys help me take care of the house' (we've had this conversation many times). He says 'do you really want to go home? I will.' As he's driving into the garage. By then I'm so mad I just said 'do whatever you want, I don't care.'

So we go to the mall. I know it's my fault for not putting my foot down, but by then I'm so mad at having to have to put my foot down - and be the bad guy - I'm too numb.

When we get home, I start doing laundry and H tells me to sit down and program the remote control he bought me for my present first. So instead of sticking to my guns and doing what I want, instead of what he thinks we should be doing, I do.

H later sorts the bag full of socks (his socks) that have been washed. And makes a big deal out of doing this big favor for me. While I'm cleaning the whole downstairs.

Anyway, long story short, by the end of the day, H can't understand why I'm mad. He talks about how good of a husband he is, how he helped me with the socks. Seriously. He was patting himself on the back for sorting socks when we have holes in our ceiling and our mantle is falling apart.

Now before you say it, I know my story is way dysfunctional. I'm not trying to make myself look good cos I know I created this mess.

aw3, I'm just trying to point out that what one person sees as being a great husband or partner can be hugely different from the truth. What his partner sees as controlling, he sees as just taking care of the family and making decisions that need to be made - even after the other people have said otherwise. So it's entirely possible that you may think you're being a wonderful husband, providing for your wife, doing the chores, whatever, but in truth she feels just as stifled as I do. She may even say out loud what she wants and you just never hear it, just like my H never hears what I say.

Sure, your wife has messed up. But if you truly want to make things right, you have to be willing to look at your own warts.

CP, I have and am looking at my own warts. I DO wnat to change the things that I can about ME to be a better father and husband, if not to her, then maybe the next time. The point some of you are missing here is that SHE LEFT, not ME. SHE involved OM and is disrupting the lives of our children and friends. SHE is unwilling to look at HERSELF, only attempting to assault my character to justify her actions publicly. I HAVE NOT been a perfect husband. If any of you have a PERFECT spouse, please speak up now.

For insight, here's how Sunday would typically have gone at our house. I would have gotten up around 7 and prepared breakfast for the family. I would've gotten her up (with a kiss) later and enjoyed our meal together with the kids. Then, as she began to get herself ready for church, I would've picked out clothes for all 3 kids and ironed them for the day. I then would've shaved and showered and picked out, ironed, and put on my own clothes. During this time, she would still be preparing herself for church. Once she decided what she wanted to wear, I then would have ironed her clothes for her. We then woudl've gone to church together, arriving late of course because of her delays, and spent the next few hours together doing our "church thing." ...Is this enough, do you get the picture? Weekdays were very much the same. I get up at 5:30 and get the kids ready for school. I sign all of their homework papers. After they've caught the bus, I get her up around 7, having already fixed her coffee and turned on her shower. As she was showering, I would get the baby up, dressed, and ready for her day. I would then iron her work clothes and talk to her as she got ready, not leaving to take the baby to the sitters until she had departed for work. Evenings were similar as well. My point is, what is controling about any of this?. She would be nominated for wife and mother of the year had the roles been reversed.

I CAN and DO except the things that should've been different, but I CANNOT accept her third A in 14 years or believe that anything I have done justifies them. Yes, I DO still love her and would take her back TODAY under the right circumstances (agreement to counseling, true remorse for her actions, etc.), but I will not be convinced that I should feel guilty in any way about the life we had together...one that she accepted! Believe me, I AM NOT anything like the husband you described that you spent the day with yesterday.