Adulterers seeking divorce often tell others that the "children will be just fine" to assuage their guilt. The statistics don't quite bear that out. Chasing one's personal "happiness" comes at a high price to children.

An Exploration of the Ramifications...nia State University College of Medicine

· Divorce is an intensely stressful experience for all children, regardless of age or developmental level; many children are inadequately prepared for the impending divorce by their parents. A study in 1980 found that less than 10% of children had support from adults other than relatives during the acute phase of the divorce.

· The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents’ marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness.

· Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.

· Early latency (ages 6½-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.

· Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.

· Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent’s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents’ decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.

Conclusions
· Divorce and its ensuing ramifications can have a significant and life-altering impact on the well being and subsequent development of children and adolescents.

· The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child’s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills.

· There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child’s life.

Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change

- Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.


- Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .

- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.

Melody - It always makes my blood run cold when I hear the WS spouting off about how children are resiliant and will be just fine. Any thinking person will realize that having their whole world blown apart won't be beneficial. It just floors me that this is part of the WS handbook.

Mel, this is so sad, and so obvious. Why don't people observe with their own eyes what happens?

Instead, so many people find reasons to conclude that kids will be just fine. I've noticed with astonishment how often an adulterous parent will blame everyone and everything else on the planet for their child's emotional problems, rather than themselves and the damage they inflicted on the child. I find it mind-boggling.

TA

Sometimes, I feel sad reading these stats and wonder how my son will fare.

I'm going to do all that I have within my power, but sometimes, I feel defeated before I even begin.

there is no doubt to me that divorce causes damage to children.

however, sometimes remaining married causes damage as well. my ex was verbally abusive to our children, especially our son. he degraded him and berated him. he never spent any time with our children. he was verbal with me in front of them. and he was a serial cheater who slept on the couch rather than sleep in bed with his own wife.

my son to this day is still starved for his father's attention. he will do ANYTHING to gain his father's approval, even if it is destructive for him.

for me, divorce was the best thing i could do for my children. i was NOT going to allow them to believe that my marriage was the way marriage was supposed to be. i did NOT want my son thinking it was ok to treat women that way or my daughter to think it was ok to be treated that way by a man. and i was NOT going to put them in that verbally degrading situation any longer. they took their father leaving hard but were not too surprised : we had separated before. and in the end, if you were to ask them today, our home life is much better with their father not in it. it is much quieter here and there is no walking on eggshells. i also had them in counseling for over a year.

i know they still have some anger and confusion. my daughter could care less if she sees her father at all, she is fine with just a once a week phone call. my son still wants to please him. my son would live with them man who is still verbally abusive to him at times just to try and gain his father's approval. it is very sad. my son will ask me "mommy, why is daddy so nice to ow but he was so mean to you?"

i am sure if my children had their way, they would like daddy and i together, BUT only if daddy were nice and loving and essentially, not be the person he is. well, if that is who daddy was he and i would still be together.

divorce is awful, but sometimes completely necessary.

i will do all i can to protect my children, keep them safe, and loved.

mlhb

It is so tragic, and the horrific thing is that this damage is completely avoidable.

Many parents delude themselves into thinking that their personal "happiness" will bring personal happiness to the children. [rationalization] That is just bullcrap devised by the foggy for the foggy. Children don't give a ratsass about the parents "happiness" but about their OWN happiness, which stems from living in a secure, safe, loving environment with both parents.

Statisics prove that children are not made "happy" by their parents "happiness." Nor are the divorcees happier after the divorce, but LESS happy according to studies.

I agree with this, mlhb. Sometimes there are no good choices, but divorce is the best of the bad. I know situations here where divorce is the definition of success.

But yours is not the usual case we see here. We have numerous families that are being torn apart merely because a wayward spouse is seeking an illusion with an adultery partner. At the expense of innocent children. And that is a tragedy.

Try tellin that to a wayward, see how far you get.

I hope this post helps somebody whose wayward on this board, but it sure as heck doesn't help me. I already knew all of this, and seeing it posted here just adds to my hurt. I already feel inadequate enough without coming on here and reading this.

I'm just not interested in remaining with a wayward. I'm sure I COULD, heck I did it for the last year. Nearly every day had a low point for me. My son, however, was doing well.

If I had kept my mouth shut and put my head down and pushed on, I suppose we would have stayed together. I'm selfish, I suppose, and wanted my husband back, some comfort for those dips in the coaster, and someone to receive my love.

Reading this tonight just sux.

The point of the article is not to make folks feel guilty who got a divorce [or separation] that was truly warranted, but to make a strong statement to those selfish "happiness" seekers who seek divorce for no better reason than chasing some sleazy tail.

Even Dr Harley recommends divorce to folks in abusive situations. Ongoing adutlery IS abuse. People have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from living with that kind of abuse. Having a nervous breakdown is most certainly NOT in a child's best interest! Divorce is vastly preferable to losing one parent to adultery and the other to the nuthouse.

Those of you who got divorced/separated to avoid ongoing adultery/abuse did your kids a FAVOR!

Well, I have no plans to visit the nuthouse, unless you mean that "Try my nuts" place, then we'd be in business. They have some great candied cashews.

Mel, I grew up a child of divorce, except my mother was POOR--I'm not, and we lived in some not so great places--I don't and can afford at least a nice condo on my own, and she remarried partially for financial stability--which I have absolutely no plans on doing, and my first stepfather was a drag--I will make less desperate choices.

I can control who I bring into his life; I cannot control his father leaving. THat IS a drag.

Besides, those who divorced to avoid ongoing adultery or abuse, they are not the ones to blame for the divorce. The abusive spouse committed the harmful act, the other one just tried to do the best thing to protect themselves and the kids.

Let me say that *I* was NOT ok after my mom D my dad. So much so that, later when my stepdad was abusive, I remember being in the police station and my mom was talking about D and said my little brother would be ok, I lost it and said he would NOT. Even with the abuse, I did not want another D.

I'm not saying you shouldn't leave an abusive spouse. I was just a kid and couldn't weigh all the factors - but that's how bad my parents' D affected me, that my instinct was to want my mom to stay in an abusive relationship. Hmm, I even remember thinking, you made your bed now lie in it. Yes, stepdad was her AP.

Understand, SL. At least you have an awareness that your mother probably did not have. My dad ran off when I was 4 and we were also poor, so I have been there, too. Everything changed when my dad left. Sometimes divorce is warranted, but it is criminal to inflict on kids for no better cause than adultery.

SL, you are not the one who brought about the end of the M. You are not the one who should feel bad.

I hear ya, you are going to make the best choices you can about who you now bring into your son's life; you are going to do your best to bring your son up as healthy as possible. You are going to protect him as much as possible from his father's actions. It's a shame we can't totally protect our kids, but I know that you are doing the best that you can, and that you are doing a good job as far as your part goes.

Your son is lucky to have someone who cares so much about his welfare. You ARE going to control who you bring into his life. That's good.

SL - Sorry this triggered you. The point of the thread is to tell the truth about children and divorce.

But that doesn't mean kids whose parents divorced are doomed. I divorced my sons' dad - and I'm glad I did.

But I also realized that it wasn't going to be easy for us after divorce. I never got a dime of support, and we were poor. I was the best mom I could be. They were in sports, I taught them how to fish, and was very active in their schools. I looked for mentors for them, so they would know about being a man - coaches, teachers, church men.

They turned out to be happy, healthy young men. They have never been in trouble, and are kind, good men. They treat their girlfriends well, and are having good lives.

You are a darn good woman and mom. Your son will do just fine.

Triggered for sure. Moment has passed. It's not always bad to be reminded that I have a very important job, as a single custodial parent. My son is such a sweetheart, a really good kid. I hope to provide the same type of upbringing you describe, Believer.

In many ways, my mother was not involved in my day to day life. She rarely attended school functions, or my sporting events. It always bothered me. I felt a disconnect from her until I became a young adult, when we began to talk more openly. She did give me tons of affection at home and talked to about my day. I'm trying to blend it all, eing at the events and showing the love thru affection and discipline and honesty. So far, I'm doing a good job.

This thread has really triggered me too.

Yes, I believe that, in some cases, divorce is best available alternative such as in abusive situations and continuing adultery...but even in those situations it is a harmful choice to the children...just the least harmful choice.

The whole "children are resilient" and "they will be just fine" *****edit***** is just that...*****edit*****. The emotional trauma caused by divorce is still there whether or not the effects show themselves, or they just lurk there below the surface of what looks like 'resiliency'.

Children are the greatest gift that we have received from God, and they deserve to be raised in a safe, secure and stable home...which may end up being a single-parent home in the case of abusive marriages and continuing adultery.

However, there is absolutely no excuse for selfish parents to sacrifice their children's wellbeing for their own pursuit of happiness, AP, freedom, or 'finding' themselves...it is the equivalent of stealing from your children...just something much more valuable than money.

Happy Mother's Day.

LoBoy

I guess I'm in the minority here. I was GLAD when my parents were divorced. I believed it was for the best back then and I still believe it was for the best. My brother and sister were really to young at the time to know what was going on but later on I think they harbored some fantasies about our parents together. They understood when they were older, though.

My oldest stepson on the other hand was devastated when Mr. Gray and XW split up. YDS & DD were really too little to know anything. They are one of the main reasons I had hoped for our marriage to work out.

I know it will be hurtful to them and indeed it is hurtful right now for them to go through another divorce with their father. I feel for them.

Charlotte, I am with you...except that I wish my parents had gotten divorced. It would have been a lot better than watching my dad deal with a serial cheater that showed him no respect.

On the flip side, my now 12 year old just yesterday said to his mom that he will always be negatively impacted by what she has done...that her actions prevented him from growing up in a house with his mom and dad. I am sad that I couldn't prevent that hurt from entering his life...but so very proud that he could look her in the eye and express his true feelings.

However, there is absolutely no excuse for selfish parents to sacrifice their children's wellbeing for their own pursuit of happiness, AP, freedom, or 'finding' themselves...it is the equivalent of stealing from your children...just something much more valuable than money


Well, i get that divorce is bad for kids. I do believe in finding a balance though. THe children's interest should be give much more weight - but the parent's interest should also count for something. I would not counsel my own child to stay married not matter what for the sake of our grandchildren - I would encourage him to work at it and try to figure it out, yes. But, in the end, choose peace.

me too.