Kayla was a little under the weather last night. When she called me after work she wasn't feeling well. She's coming down with the bug that I've had for the last week. She came home an pretty much got dinner an went straight to bed.

Sorry to hear that, let her know I hope she recovers quickly.

Perhaps I can share some more ideas with you? I don't know how helpful they will be.

I dreamed last night about a tiger. It stalked me and just before it attacked I asked it who it was and it said, I am lust. So I'm going to work with this idea today. Let's consider lust is a tiger. The same cold heartless beast that has stalked and bemused itself with people and murdered people since the world began. Now it is stalking me and you.

What is an appropriate response? How prepared are we to face it? In my dream all I had was a tree branch to defend myself with. That wasn't working too well. It was only about 5 feet long and that doesn't help too much, given that it outweighs me and has teeth an claws. I woke up before it came to full engagement with the beast but I know that with my preparations I wasn't going to last long.

Kayla has been much better prepared to face it than I have been. One thing she did was to not present a target in the first place, once she realized she was only being consumed she put a stop to it feeding on her. She made a boundary that she didn't want to engage sexually with me unless I protected her from lust. Basically if I had acted out with lust thru porn or masturbation and was being driven by lust she put a moratorium on us being sexual together until such time as I had sobered again. In the early stages of my recovery this sobering up took months.

We went for extended periods without being sexual and with only limited sexual expression when we did. It was very hard for both of us. But we both knew that it was required. Not just intercourse but foreplay had to be modified to focus on connectedness and love and respect.

I had to learn know the difference between the impatient cold hearted demands of the beast and the patient selfless nurturing expressions of a true husband. There were lots of tentative early experiments of non-sexual touch, of back rubs, massages that didn't lead to sex. Spending time being physically close and just holding her in non-sexual ways and letting her just hold me, sometimes dressed and sometimes not dressed, sometimes in bed and sometimes not in bed.

I had to learn to not obsess about getting sex or feeding lust and to not make an object of her, to find a relationship with her as a person and allow the parasite in me to go unfed and literally starve it to death. It resisted every inch of the way, I had to put away the lustful desires, and accept not getting it thru the eyes. I had to accept her refusal to wear certain clothes and do certain things and she had to learn to not 'play' to my fancies which would only feed lust. That took some doing for both of us because she is a naturally sexy woman. We both had to learn how to redesign sex in a way that made it nurturing to both of us without feeding lust.

I can't tell you what all she did or learned thru all this, but I know she was focused on and made me focus on protecting her. She summoned the character that she deserved and was worth being protected. She maintained this posture regardless of what insane arguments and defiance and propaganda I threw at her, the ranting and ravings of an addict in withdrawal, as the starving lust within me tried everything it could to undermine her determination. It did this sometimes against my will but honestly many times I didn't know myself if I was being driven by lust or something else. I didn't know myself where lust ended and I began. It was terribly confusing to know what healthy sexual attraction without lust was when lustful sexual attraction had become such a huge part of my attraction.

For my part there were hundreds of 12 step meetings. I took my rage and anger and resentments and sorrows and all my other negative emotions and shared them in meetings with other recovering lust addicts, who all had similar feelings and experiences. I listened to them and we struggled together. The 12 steps became my focus and trying to rewire myself and learn to act lovingly and take the actions of love to improve our relationship. Where I was impatient I had to learn to express patience. Where I was cold hearted I had to learn to care again. To put love first again as the guiding principle of how I approached my marriage.

The hardest part for me continues to be self care. I have to take care of myself physically which is hard for me, hardest is for me to eat on an appropriate schedule and appropriate foods and make time for meal prep. etc. When I am on auto-pilot I grab the most convenient food I can whether it's good for me or not. I'm basically thoughtless and lazy. Too many carbs and sweets. Fast food for a fast life. Unplanned, undisciplined and undernourished. Lust creates a lifestyle in ways other than sex. Eating poorly, driving with road rage because I didn't leave enough time to get to my destinations. I had to and still have to make ever more conscious decisions that focus me on living within limits. Going the speed limit, planning trips in advance, taking time to stop and eat breakfast and lunch and even planning these meals in advance, working within the confines of a diet.

My recovery from lust is something that is enlarging to include every aspect of my life. I'm having to learn how to live and love and relate to others. It's a growing up that I didn't get to do before because lust had been driving my life for so many years.

Every day I can ask myself the question, "What would love have me do today?" and then pray for the willingness to do it.

I don't know if any of this helps or not.

You know, I truly think this is my H's problem also. I do think he's addicted to 'lust'. It all makes sense about so many things. Sad thing is, now I'm not so sure I want to give this anymore effort. There has been years of problems, me giving ALL of myself, Plan A for weeks, and nothing ever changes, at least not in him, he never wants to do his part, even if I do mine.



Take what helps and leave the rest.

April - sorry for not replying last night. I can't afford to let this cold gain any ground on me so I dosed up on the vitamin C, and Cold-Eze lozenges and Zicam. My income depends on me being as healthy and alert as I can be.

I understand, hope you kick it out of you.

I think Kasey's radar about your husband being an addict is on-target. However, it does no good for you to put that pronouncement on your husband. For recovery to begin, he has to recognize his addiction and seek recovery.

I've not said anything to him, nor do I intend to.

When I talked with Dr. Harley years ago, he said there can be no marriage building with an active addiction, any more than there can be any true marriage recovery with an active affair.

I agree completely!

Plan A and Plan B help the spouse of the addict do what's necessary to recover themselves.

For example, a Plan A in your situation will be very difficult, but it does allow you time to prepare for Plan B.

Plan A is impossible right now. In the past, I've done Plan A, nothing changed, at least on his part. Plan B is probably looming any day now, since I've almost physically collapsed yesterday, from the strain of all of the last 10 years.

Candidly speaking, are you ready to remove the word "can't" from your vocabulary? Replace it with "don't want to". But do what you can to reach a higher level of honesty with yourself. I can only offer the path I walked down to recover myself, and with it my marriage followed.

In the situations that I'm truly able, I have admitted to not 'wanting to', but there are some that can NOT go on anymore, because of physical and emotional exhaustion, I believe I'm in that spot right now.

It's no longer a matter of me being stubborn or not facing my faults or place in all of this, it's a matter of me being totally drained, both physically and emotionally. That I am right now.

I know you have obstacles. Every person does who's on the betrayed side of this fight. Please don't make excuses and let those obstacles stop you - because we can't help you climb over the boulders you have to get over. But get over them you must if you are to ever experience peace within yourself, let alone recover your marriage.

Plan A for now means doing the things you know that you can to rebuild the marriage, independently of what he does to you. However, that doesn't mean sex with him while he has sores on his privates. How you handle that conflict has to be different than you have in the past - he is sensitized to judgments from you - that's why he reacts to a simple question. For example, instead of asking him (cause he doesn't know), just say - hmmm - let's find a way to be affectionate a different way - that needs to be checked - it must hurt! - if he insists, withdraw - sorry - I don't know what that is - sores on that part of the body are not normal - please get it checked out so we can be intimate again. That way, no accusations - and if he gets defensive, just say - hey - I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm not asking. Just get it checked out.

Saying any of that to him, makes him ANGRY and defensive, and I only get hurt, in that he raises his voice to me and speaks with such roughness, it goes through to my heart. I tried, I said what you suggested, but even in a more gentle way. His reaction is that he has NO idea what it is and how it got there, and that it's now gone. He also added that HE had NOTHING to do with it, and it appeared on it's own. Another addition from him alone was, that he did NOT masturbate to cause it either, just in case that's what I was thinking!

There are some battles ahead if his addiction is anything like the experience I had with it in my marriage. But the one boundary I refused to allow to be crossed was to be safe from lust. I could tell when Kasey had been into his addiction because he touched me differently which would trigger my radar. I can't describe how I knew, but I just knew. I would withdraw to protect myself - the boundary was about me and for me, and if he wanted to be with me, he'd have to respect it.

I also can tell if is using lust, but problem is, it's EVERY time there is ANY want of sex. I see where I would have to curtail my own sexual person that I am, and actions, to take the lust out of his actions, but right now, I'm just too tired to even try.

Many marriages do not survive addiction, especially the sexual addiction. The only reason why ours has this far is because Kasey took the steps he's taken and works the 12 steps and works on his faith.

I can see why. Right now, after ALL the hardships we've been through, and the pain, hurt, subtle abuse, etc. etc. that I've experienced, this is just too much for me right now. I actually feel like moving away from the area and being alone for awhile.

I'm TIRED and I'm sick of it! This morning we met for breakfast, as I was walking into the rest. to meet him, he was laughing, blushing and talking to a young girl (hostess). I felt like throwing up, walking away and never seeing him again.

I did LB by telling him that I'm sick of his need to get some need met by young women, and if he wanted anything to do with me anymore, it's not something I can deal with anymore. He of course got angry and said it was just about the weather and I was being stupid to get upset about it.

Even hearing him say that, made me sick and I felt sooo drained at that moment, like I can't go on anymore at all, PERIOD!

April - you can't put your husband on the path to recovery; instead, you must put you on the path to recovery - and that may eventually mean leaving your husband.

That may be very soon, I feel myself needing to let go for my own health and sanity.

Your choice is between sanity and insanity. Insanity is what you have now - you live with a "crazy maker" - meaning, you have no intimacy, no conversation that is safe, no dreams, no hopes, and it's all your fault... Because that's how a crazy maker lives - to impose all problems in his life on the one who sticks with him through it all...

Amen! And I for one, am truly not sure I can do it anymore, and it makes me sick, sad, feeling horrible and disgusted.

I think I posted on the other thread.

My husband's boy parts got dry and scalely because of him mbing. I bought his explanation of "it's just dry skin."

I know the others have spoken more eloquently than I have about your husband's addiction.

I did NOT know my husband was addicted when we got married. I also have children to protect. So when I discovered, I planned B. I told him it was p or me. He chose the marriage, and has been sober for over a year now. He needed therapy to get sober.
I was prepared to walk. I had consulted a lawyer when I gave him the ultimatum and was looking at apartments.

I however was also "lucky" in that my husband recognized he had a problem and wanted to stop. Many men don't.

I think he's going to be done with his therapist within the year. The next step is SA.

I've suggested you looked into COSA, which is the support group for codependants of people with sex addiction. They also have a presence online. You need to heal yourself. You need to figure out WHY you chose him, so that if you do end the marriage, you won't pick the same sort of guy again.

In my case, I have a ton of healing to do with my FOO. I'm in a codependant relationship with them as well as my husband. I'm seeing an individual counselor who deals with sex addiction and codependancy issues specifically. All of my learned behavior from living with my FOO, while not the cause of my H's addiction, certainly hasn't helped. So I need to go through my own recoveries to get myself healthy.

Our marriage did not start being rebuilt until my husband had roughly 9 months of sobriety with NO slips. It took us 9 months to begin communicating again. Our relationship is getting better, but slowly.

If he is willing to go into recovery, please realize this is a long process. After a year, I still do not feel safe with him. I'm a shadow of my former sexual self. His addiction has affected my hopes and dreams that are non-negotiable for me.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned that addictions do tend to escalate. You can't predict how it will escalate, and it sometimes escalates to acting out with real people, rather than fantasies.

I think it was the immense pain of my own broken unmanageable life.

I can't pinpoint an exact event or time but I knew I wasn't happy living in lust, sneaking off to masturbate, hiding stashes of magazines (before internet) and living a duplicity of life. I was keeping up pretenses on the outside that I knew were not real on the inside. It was like jekle and hyde. I would yo-yo thru the cycle of swearing off and then find myself doing it again. I tried everything I could to stop. Wanting to stop would be followed by wanting to try something different in the hopes that this new attempt might be the magic that would finally satisfy at last and free me from the pain once and for all. But the pain always returned and with a vengeance. I would realize after the fact that the actions themselves were causing the pain but after swearing off for a while I would forget the truth and believe the lie that it was innocuous and wouldn't matter. I simply had no mental defense and still don't against the cunning, baffling and powerful disease.

Wanting to straighten up and fly right was probably the result of my religious upbringing and my goals and aspirations for life and afterlife. I wanted a pure life and a holy marriage which would endure for eternity. That became a core desire for me as a youth. I think that desire was like a flower planted in the garden of my soul along with every other righteous desire I was taught. But the garden of my soul unfortunately also had a few weeds planted in it. Lust being the foremost and most noxious weed.

Like you I feared emotional abandonment. My family life was anything but emotionally secure. I was emotionally unprotected and lived with what Kayla calls 'crazy makers'. My family was run by a dictatorial father and a passive aggressive, chronically depressed mother.

What you must understand is that people can do some really insane things and not bad people. My parents are goodly parents yet even so they had issues and aspects of their emotional lives that they themselves could not manage. To this day my parents relationship isn't healthy in some ways that dishearten me. Yet it is THEIR relationship and I have had to learn to leave them be and let God alone help them work thru their relationship as THEY turn to him for help.

My experience suggests that people don't take action until they are motivated by pain or pleasure to act. And of these two pain is the far stronger motivator. It is not until people have enough pain that it is intolerable for them to NOT act that they will act. Then often when they are at that point they don't know what the correct action is.

Suffice it to say that the breakdown of my life got so painful, my inability to work, to relate to others, to have happiness and the admiration of my wife, my own self respect, breakdown of health (compulsive masturbation is very draining to a man), being sick and broke and angry all the time, blaming others for everything, being lost in zombie land with no soul left inside me...failing in business because of my declining productivity. All of it took it's toll. I was suicidal for probably a year at least and was praying to God all the time to just take me because it was all too much. That's called total despair. That is the place I was at notwithstanding WANTING to change I didn't know how.

WILLING on the other hand, willing is another matter. I can pinpoint the exact day I became willing and my life turned around. October 16, 1994 was the day I went to my first 12 step meeting. For two nights previous to that I had this recurring weird dream where I followed my brother (one of the drug addicts in my family) into a pyramid filled with bizarre people and tried to get us both out of it before the people noticed us. It was like the Hotel California where you can check out anytime but you can never leave situation. Then on the 16th my brother appeared on my doorstep out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to go to "a meeting" with him. It was a narcotics anonymous meeting. I had no interest in going to narcotics anonymous, I didn't use drugs. But I DID feel very cut off from life and didn't know what to do about it.

His was the only offer I was getting from anyone to join them in something. Everyone else didn't want to have anything to do with me and I didn't want to have anything to do with myself. Kayla and I were not on good terms and I only felt guilty whenever I was around her, like I'd ruined her as well as myself. She wasn't interested in being sexual with me and we were on the outs. I thought, "what the hell? I'll go hang out with him for an hour and it's not like I've got anything so much better to do...(jack off some more, like that's helping anything?)" so I said, "ok" and I went with him to his NA meeting.

Strangely enough when I entered that meeting it was just like my dream, there were the strange people, motorcycle chaps, leathers, orange hair and green plastic pants, chains, tattoos, men and women old and young that were all pretty well whacked out. And if I thought they LOOKED strange then they started opening their mouths and letting their insides come out...rage rage rage rage....

they couldn't say one sentence without the 'f' word 5 or 6 times. This went on speaker after speaker for little over an hour. I sat there intimidated but secretly bemused with the whole situation. In and thru the midst of all this they spoke of a spiritual way of living and how glad they were to find it. This was NOT church and these were NOT saints and none of it made any sense to me except on an emotional level. Some part of me felt strangely ok being in their company. I didn't condemn them and they didn't seem to condemn each other. It was really weird seeing them vent so much rage, anger, frustration and speak all other sorts of insanity and yet thereafter embrace each other in fellowship and say "keep coming back". If THESE people could accept each other in the face of all that they were faced with and going thru perhaps they could accept me as I was?

I soon discovered that for me to share my sex addiction and experience that kind of acceptance and love would take another fellowship. NA as much as it claims to be uninterested in what your drug of choice is and open to all addictions, nonetheless, sex addiction talk in an NA meeting is like throwing gasoline on a fire. I did find my first recovery sponsor thru inquiry in that fellowship and that sponsor eventually turned me on to alanon. My brother also invited me to his "other meeting" which was sexaholics anonymous. But the first willingness on my part was to follow him thru NA meetings.

My willingness was born of having no other offers and having exhausted all options of my own. I had to admit to myself that my life was messed up beyond my own ability to repair it. When I accepted the invitation to follow my brother I wasn't looking for a solution to my sex addiction exactly. I was simply willing to let go for one hour to follow him to his stupid meeting and keep him company for one hour that evening. I didn't see anything in it for me. According to my dreams I was simply trying to 'save him' if possible (typical alanon) and that was my only idea for going, that an it would give me an hour off from trying to fix myself.

For years I went to alanon meetings and sa meetings together. Started talking about my own family and how messed up it all was, and eventually started seeing how messed up "I" was. It didn't come fast. I wasn't ready to be open to it all very quickly and I didn't have the self esteem to endure the truth about myself either. All I know is that over time and with effort and persistence. I have a different life today.

I do have something of a spiritual connection with a power greater than myself and that connection gives me back life and love and opportunity for growth on the healthy path.

It's a very individual thing and God has his own way and timing to reach each of his lost sheep. I do know that he finds lost sheep and he's very good at it. There is no chasm too deep, no expanse too vast, and no hiding place where he cannot reach and revive those who become willing and give him the slightest bit of willingness to work with.

My recovery is based on willingness today just as it was on October 16, 1994. The only difference is today I know what to call it. Knowing what to call it isn't as important as doing it. The first time I 'did' willingness I didn't know what to call it and wasn't even paying attention really to what I was doing. Now I know that either I live by it or I will start the path back to my active addiction, a place and way of life I never really wanted.

The first time I looked at porn as an adolescent and masturbated I didn't think to myself...let's see if I can destroy everything good I want or every hope to enjoy in life and relationships....I thought instead....this won't really hurt anything or anyone and if it does it won't be very bad or hard to undo...what the heck, it'll be fun! I had spiritual warnings at the time but I chose to ignore them. I simply didn't have the trust base in spiritual leadership.

Getting that trust remains one of the hardest things for me in recovery.

take what helps and leave the rest.

My AA sponsor told me for months and months, it's not the feelings that will kill us, it's what we do with those feelings that will. We can't make it go away, then we don't learn the lessons. What we can do, is pray, seek G-d, ask his help in moving through and just get through it second by secone if that's what you need.

Pray about it, make a list of those things in yourself that you don't like that YOU want to change. Take one at a time. Did I mention praying?

Controlling things for me was almost like breathing. I didn't realize it either. But this journey can become a journey of self awareness about yourself and learning how you walk around in life. Start journaling about your thoughts, feelings, actions throughout the day. See if you can't see any patterns.

Fortunately for me, I went back to AA and immediately began working with a sponsor and doing the steps. It was when I did my 4th step and 5th step I began to see MY patterns, the destruction they had and were causing and with knowledge comes choice.

Do I stop myself from controlling, NOT ALWAYS, but I am more at choice. And choice is such a freeing feeling.

You are doing GREAT April, hang in there, keep coming back and asking questions. There is a lot about Plan A and B that we think we know, but we really don't until we set our mind out to work it to the best of our ability.

Just gonna pour out a bunch of stuff here:

Having trouble controlling what I say now, it seems like I don't care, because it doesn't matter, never has, never will.

I'm completely physically exhausted from all of this, all the years I've put in so wholly to this marriage, and gotten so little back.

My bank is drained, there's nothing there, not even one penny.

I'm unable to give anymore. I'm unable to think anymore. I don't want to think or do or show or nothing.

I don't want to understand, because to understand, is to get hurt.

To show love is to get rejected, or to be objectified, or used.

Anger is ever present in him, and it snaps up at the wrong word, even if that word isn't wrong and is right.

I've loaned him $300.00 when he was waiting for his pension, now when he has it, he's stated that he'll pay WHEN he wants to, HOW he wants to, IF he wants to. I wish I had never loaned it to him. I feel used once again and tossed aside, like I was his need when he needed it, but now he doesn't, I don't matter, my needs (monetary) are not important.

I feel my love leaving, I feel resentment where concern and worry use to be. I feel indifference surfacing now, when it never did before.

April,

I just read through your thread and several things really stick out.

That thing he's doing is normal. And a lot of women are offended by it, but it's normal. He is likely not lusting after the woman he is looking at when he is doing this. He's likely remembering a moment with you that was just like what he is viewing and replaying that in his head while doing his thing. The images are simply a stimulus to trigger the memory of doing the exact same thing with you or in his past with someone else.

I'd prefer not to respond to this at all actually, but I'm going to say that I completely disagree that ALL men do this and you saying it's a completely innocent thing is ridiculous and sad. Obviously, you don't realize how much it can hurt and affect a woman.

Why does he do it? Why do you get hungry? Why do you scratch an itch? Why do you sleep?

That's just BULL!

If the SF is not fulfilling, he's likely to do it. I would love to share more of my personal experience but my ex monitors my posts and is saving them to use against me in court. There's lots of people here who have given you their two cents on things along these lines, but if you believe you're going to meet a man that doesn't do this then you're really fooling yourself.

Your opinion only

What I can say is that when the SF is fulfilling, there's rarely a need to do it. When it's not then the relief comes from what he's doing.

For 10 years, I've never denied him anything he's wanted. Oral, or whatever else he enjoyed. As far as SEX goes, he's NEVER wanted, trust me. As far as INTIMACY goes, I've wanted for years! I continue to keep the lines open for anything he wants to tell me of our sex life, and he has repeatedly told me that he's completely satisfied.

I'm disturbed by the attitude you have towards his ex. She called him about their daughter and a crisis she was having. I'd tell you off too if you were to tell me that I couldn't talk to my ex wife about a serious problem my daughter was having.

You married a man with an ex wife and with a child. He will need to speak to his ex wife from time to time regarding his daughter, regardless of her age and especially when it comes to any type of crisis his daughter is having.

30 minutes isn't long when they're talking about his daughter being heart broken and dealing with being a single mom and being left by another man.

I'd be very ticked if anyone, wife or not, told me I couldn't talk to the other parent about a problem with my daughter. I would flat out tell you to mind your own business if you are going to criticize because it's hard enough to deal with your daughter's problem and the concern you and the other parent have with someone who is crying about the messenger of that problem.

You are WAY out of line to criticize him about a call he got from his ex over a crisis with his daughter.

You're thinking of yourself and not of your step daughter and his feelings for her.

Believe me, if my ex called me about a problem with my daughter that was concerning to me the last thing on my mind would be to be thinking about whether or not my wife was jealous that I was talking to my ex about my daughter.

I'd be very ticked about being approached while trying to address a crisis.

Guess what? He and his ex will be together if their daughter is sick or hurt or needs their help. Get over it. You married a man with an ex and with children.

I'd be very upset in his shoes. I'd look at it this way, "Ex, you're telling me DD34 is in a lot of pain. Yes, she needs my support. Yes, I'll see what I can do for her. I agree, we should try to be....wait, hold on a minute...."

"What? You're ticked that my ex is telling me of a problem with DD34? Sorry, DD34s problem is much bigger than your hurt feelings. You being hurt that I'm talking to my ex about our daughter is your problem not mine."

I would be furious at you for throwing in YOUR feelings over the fact that I was addressing a problem with MY daughter.

I've apologized about the EX and it's over. I realized my wrong in that, and between us, that's been solved.

The biggest thing I see in your thread is that YOU are the one with the majority of the problems here, not your H. He's not perfect and may be insensitive, but the stuff you're focusing on is just flat out wrong and very selfish.

Well, I'm glad you think that, but I completely disagree. I have my own place in all of this, yes, but you're out of line in your assumptions that I am the majority of the problems. It's your right to feel this way, but I know what I know, and I feel you're completely off track here.

I'm in the midst of a horrible lust problem, and am feeling that I can no longer go on. And you are telling me that this is NORMAL? I really have nothing more to say here, it's making me feel too emotional.

What are your living arrangements - do you own your home? Rent?

If rent, do you have a safe place to go - live for six months. When Kasey and I were having our most difficult time 12 years ago, I left for several months, meeting only for marriage counseling and spiritual counseling. Those sessions started out with Kasey laying out all his conditions for reconciliation - I'd look at his list and say, "I don't need to be married that badly." - I was tired too.

Actually Kayla, we live separate right now. Maybe you forgot that.
I can be alone but not really 'safe' because if I interact with him in any capacity, it's too draining for me. I do feel I need to get further away, where I'm not tempted to see him, and fall back into sex, etc. I just don't know how that can be done right now.

I certainly understand you being too tired to face his list! I'm too tired to face one more episode of anger or anything emotional with him right now.

But be careful. The trap you are in is nothing like the trap you could step into trying to get out. Don't do it the wrong way. I've outlined the best path I know - even though you're fatigued and resentful, depressed and angry, you still have to get up in the morning and do what you have to do to some day find yourself in a better place.

May I ask what you mean by the 'wrong way' of getting out? Where have you outlined this, or am I missing something?

Yes, I do still have to get up and live each day, all though right now, I really have very little energy to do much. Baby steps in my own life, is what I feel I can do right now, and those are VERY little baby steps!

Thank you once again.

I do believe the issues here are really AS's...not her husbands.