Well I did clear things up with my BF and to my relief she wasn't angry at me. (she is probably the only one)
We have been best friends since we were 11 and I love her like a sister. She was actually really encouraging and said that it was brave of me to stand up and admit what I had done and that it was great that I was trying to make things right. She has never been one to judge and for that I love her.
We have our third phone conversation with SH tomorrow and I did my assignment. I was supposed to write scenarios. I told my husband that I was trying to protect against letting someone else meet my emotional needs and coming up with responses if someone should try. I hope it helps him know that I am trying to protect against weaknesses. One thing I struggle with is that he talks a lot about that "other person" inside me. The other person that was allowed to come out. The "evil part" if you will (by the way that last one is my words) I really want to believe that what I did i did "under the influence" Not that it is an excuse by any means, but that it really isn't who I am. I don't feel that what i became for those months is really me. I look back and can't believe what I did. SH likened it to someone being drunk and said I should tell Try that I did what, I did while I was under the influence and every time He brings it up agree with him, yet remind him that I was under the influence. I know what I did there is no excuse for.

Is a drunk man that commits murder only under the "spell of alcohol" really a murderer at heart? If he never hurts a fly sober is that who he really is? If he stays away from alcohol the rest of his life and never murders again does that prove that he is a murderer only under the influence?

Sometimes I wonder about these things. Am I really an audulterer at heart. Did I do it because thats who I am?

Larry had a very nice post on another thread on this very subject, and I will look for it.

Copied from Larry's post -
It is very ok to be angry. It is very ok to be angry with her. It is very ok to vent so long as you draw a distinction between what she did and WHO she is. I often told my wife that to the best of my knowledge, I was the only human being in the universe who loved her for who she is and was, not necessarily for what she did. I told her that I saw her as a flawed human being (just like everyone else) whose worth to me was her total person, warts and all although I didn't appreciate the warts that reflected back on me. Her affair was her maturation event, too bad that I also paid the price but acceptable if in fact she really became a grownup.

Drawing a contrast between your wife as a total human being, your mate and mother of your kids, and what she did when she lost her mind and committed a stark sin might help. I told my wife that she could use what happened to grow up, or allow the dark places inside most of us (except saints) to take her over, and in the later event, I wanted nothing to do with her if she really embraced the dark side. Admit you made a serious mistake and then fix it, say I. To my wife's credit, she has given 100% since then. I have no complaints other than the time it is taking me to totally get over it, if I ever do.

I also told my wife that if we couldn't have a better and safer relationship than before she lost her morals, I didn't want to move forward with anything but divorce. I told her she had to own her own garbage and it was her job to throw it out, not mine to accept. In other words, grow up or move on down the road and inflict her pain on someone else. I gave her once for ignorance, but you can't fix stupid or self centered entitlement and I am not gonna try.

So far you seem to be doing the right things. Being a leader means exactly that; leading. And you are doing that by pointing her in the right direction.

Ah ILMH...You did it because you are a flawed, imperfect HUMAN, living in an imperfect, fallen world...Dr. Harley believes that we are ALL capable of having affairs...I also believe that...For me, I chose to follow my own will, and not God's will for me...I ignored what I knew to be RIGHT, and placed myself square in temptation's way, and thought I could handle it...I did it FOR SELFISH, HUMAN ME...So that *I* could feel good...and yet I didn't feel good, and God KNEW that I wouldn't feel good by doing that...I fully believe that is the reason He gave us the commandments...NOT to somehow impede our "fun", but because He intimately KNOWS what we, as mere mortals, are capable of and He loves us enough to tell us not to do those things because of how much they hurt us and His other children...A decision to put God front and center in my life has helped immensely-giving up control to my creator...I realize that you guys are not "into religion"...Neither am I-"religion" is of man, rather, I'm into GOD, because He's into ME...He's my Father...He wants what is BEST for me and my family...I listen to Him...Very healing...Very comforting...

Mrs. W

I am shoveling more and more of the pile of sh** out that I have stacked up. It isn't fast, but it is being done. I am taking my garbage out so to speak. I don't expect Try to "accept" it or be okay with it. I'm not. I am definitely having to grow up and learn my lesson the hard way. I never thought I was capable of this and that was my biggest error...

Just keep doing what you are doing.

And look at Mrw W as a wonderful example of how to turn a hurtful event into helping others.

Mrs W has been my inspiration in all this. She was the first to hold out her hand to me and I took it, even though I was skeptical at the time. I think Mrs W is right about it not always being good to do what we want. I was in a lot of emotional pain when I was carrying on with this affair and knew that it was not in my families best interest. I knew it was hurting my husband and it was breaking my heart that I was acting so selfish. Thanks Mrs W for holding out that hand and taking time out to help me out of the mire. I know it was ultimately my choice, but it always helps knowing you are not alone.

Oh and I meant to tell you Mrs. W.. I really don't mind you talking with me about God. I am bitter at the church, but not at God. I don't blame him that man took something that was pure and turned it into a cult-like experience.
The church that I used to go to was just featured on the local news. A teacher was just accused of raping a thirteen year old girl there. Surprise Surprise, the church is trying to cover it all up!! They are more worried about reputation then a child's best interest!! It makes me sick!!
Sorry if I seem a little shy of the whole church experience.

You are very welcome ILMH...I'm here anytime!

Thank you believer for saying that about me...much appreciated!

ILMH...I understand about your experience with your church, and I'm glad that you understand that is of man and that you are still open to God...With all of my heart, I KNOW He is the answer...Putting Him in your marriage WILL heal it...


Mrs. W

You are a blessed woman Mrs. W.. we're all immeasurably fortunate to have come across you in our lives.

You give me hope.

Threadjack over.

Thank you James, I really appreciate hearing that... God Bless You...

Mrs. W

What do I do if my husband is frustrated because I am not remembering all the details fast enough? This morn in conversation i mentioned something else that I thought of that happened during the affair and later in the day he tells me that he is angry because i need to get this all out faster than I am. He says that I am not trying hard enough and it makes me feel discouraged. It makes me feel hesitant to mention things because of him getting angry that I should have thought of that sooner. I know there is more that I will think of. At some point in the future we will be in the car and something will come to mind that I should tell him and I am afraid that he will be mad that I didn't remember it sooner. How do I fight that in my head? I want to be open and honest and I understand he is angry and hurt, I just don't know how to make things come to me any faster. I am trying though. I am going to keep going over it in my head till he is satisfied that I am telling him everything. I do love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life. Did anybody else feel this same way and if so how did you go about it? I really need some advice.

The way I have been dealing with this is that I wrote a letter to him describing the details and timeline. It is saved on a file on our computer so when I think of another detail i can just add it in so he always has something to go back to and re-read it. I just went and read what I wrote the last time and the detail that I mentioned this morning was something I already told him in the letter and I know he has been reading it. How could he not have known? I didn't even remember that I had already told him, pretty sad huh? I went to the file to add that detail and it was already there. My state of mind is a little off too I guess.

I don't think I would drive myself too crazy with every single minute detail. It is enough that you are proving to him that you are trying. I don't think it is necessarily healthy for him to want to know every minescule detail either just to have it to run over and over and over again in his mind. He will drive himself crazy with it.

I guess I am different. I did NOT want to know ANY details of my exes affairs. It was bad enough to me that they happened to begin with. It would have killed me to know anymore. I found out bits and pieces on my own, but full fledged details I did not want to know. Way too painful.

mlhb

I don't think that you can "combat" the anger that your H might feel when you tell him another detail. He's going to feel what he's going to feel. But it shouldn't stop you from being honest with him when you remember something.

He is hurt and wants the pain to stop. I know the feeling. Every time my H mentions something else (or even something that I already knew) it is like salt in the wound...it hurts all over again. But in order to heal, you have to be honest with him. If you remember a new detail, you need to offer it to him.

I think the timeline idea is a great one. I actually wrote one for me and my FWH, then I went through it with him several different times, filling in the big events with him and asking details when I wanted them. I know that there are lots of little details that he hasn't mentioned, but I question how they will help me. But that's just me. I don't want ALL of the little details.

If your H wants ALL of the details, maybe the two of you can sit down with the timeline and go through it together. Encourage him to ask all the questions he wants and try to fill in the big things for him (like places and times you met, when SF happened, turning points in the A). Maybe you can let him know that you want to tell him everything, but you don't know/remember every detail. My FWH told me that if a detail was important to me, he would try his best to remember it, but that it was so long ago (and such a long span of time...3+ years) that he may not remember everything clearly. He apologized to me in advance that it may take him time.

I guess I understand that it will not happen overnight. I am not happy that he cannot just "download" the information into my head so that I can know it all right now, but it also gives me a chance to recover some before we get to the little details. Maybe as I recover, those details have become less important than the recovery itself. Maybe as your H begins to come out of the initial pain and shock, he will find that the little things that he doesn't know are inconsequential.

Keep being honest!

Thanks it helps.
I know i need to be honest even if i feel that he might get angry again. Why wouldn't he right? Sometimes I just wonder if it will ever be enough. Even he says he doesn't know if he will ever get past this. It concerns me. Even if he chooses not to stay with me I don't want him to live a life of pain and bitterness. I didn't do what I did because anything was wrong with him. I did what I did because I let my vulnerabilities to connectedness get the better of me. I let down my defenses. It wasn't because he was a bad man or that our marriage was horrible. I love him and want to prove to him that he is the most important person in my life. He really is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am going to work now, but I will be back this afternoon... Thanks all

I very much doubt that! LOL.

If you PRACTICE adultery long enough it becomes part of your character.

If you Lie long enough you become a LIAR.

Our ACTIONS come out of who we are.

In your case, as with most WS's, adultery is an aberation of character - not their character. Serial adulterors and those in long term affairs notwithstanding.

He has the right to know everything he chooses to ask. His getting angry or not is irrelevant. However, he has no right to be abusive.



His pain will subside if you are honest. If you are intentionally holding anything back you need to realize that you are manipulating your husband. Having been maliciously manipulated, I can tell you it is a horrible feeling. Are you manipulating him?




He doesn't know that. You can tell him all you want but it will take him time to believe it. He likely feel very inadequate. You need to build up what you made crash down. He needs a lot of positive talk. Load up his LB.




Is this the line you are trying to feed him? This is not the statement of someone accepting responsibility. You are blaming the OM. Your husband wasn't married to the OM. YOU cheated on him. I think you need to step up and accept full accountability.

Your BS mentioned this elsewhere. Has it come to light that you were not the powerless waif taken against her will? Were you an aggressor in the affair? Did you pursue the OM just as hard?

If so, you need to be 100% honest. You BS deserves no less. The question is do you love him enough to give it?

I take FULL responsibility!
That statement that I made about the EN's being vulnerabilities to connectedness is true. It is something that SH is helping us understand. it is NOT about not taking responsibility, it is about understanding what and how it happened so you can be aware of your weaknesses and not let it happen again.
The OM and I are both responsible for the pursuit. I did not make him do anything! In fact I think there are times I take on too much of the blame. We were both in the wrong. If he was on here trying to say I was the one who made him do it all, everyone would chew him up and spit him out! It is not about being weak it's about not throwing up your defenses right away the moment you feel someone might be meeting one of your EN's.