Can anybody HELP ME! I can't help mysself right now...I'm losing it!

You asked for suggestions and I posted some possibilities. I usually only post when I see similiarities between my sitch and theirs. We are just shy of one year into recovery. Our marriage is better than it was pre A, better than pre marriage come to think of it. We have mutual love, respect and... passion. I am happy with the MB way. We could never have gotten here without it.

Say

aw3, are you feeling like you're having a stress attack? It sounds like it from here. If so, can you give your doctor a call? Even if he/she is just a general practitioner, they can help.

Maybe a touchy subject, but how about a spiritual leader?

My pastor is aware. I think I'm just going crazy trying to explain the unthinkable! Remember, I NEVER IN A MILLIONS YEARS saw this coming!

TJ...for what it's worth pom, annoying behaviors are LBs. And if he's not hitting the bullseye for the ENs, he's wasting his time. Read up on what Dr H says complaining actually is. It's not as bad a thing as you think.

Sorry abandoned. I thought that should be addressed. Now back to you...

What SPECIFICALLY did your WW complain about 10 years ago BESIDES the drinking? What did she want you to change about yourself? Somewhere you said you promised to change...what was it?

Mainly just the drinking. She also accused me of an A with a coworker, but it NEVER happened. I stopped drinking, totally. I was never anything more than a social, weekend drinker, but I think now maybe her complaints were just HER way of CONTROLING ME! Now, she says that the only reason she came back then was that OM was afraid of me and what I might do (I DID threaten him). But to say that 10 years later? With so much that has happened, and with all of our countless blessings from God? I don't get it!

If you changed the one thing that she complained about, then it's not your fault that you continued to do the things most people would appreciate. You would not have known that you were doing any LBs.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM with DS as a top EN. I would love to have a H that did HALF of what you did.

And again FWIW, My H tried to groom me from the start of our R to be the spouse that you actually are. The domestic goddess. He would have loved for me to do all that you do.

But now I see that doing EVERYTHING for your spouse is NOT GOOD for the M on many levels.

It's been said time and time again that the spouse who is least invested in the M is the one who holds the power and is more likely to be the one who has the A. Their investments are minimal so they don't carry a lot of loss if the M fails. Does that sound familiar?

YES, it does! She has given up everything in my mind, but maybe she views it all as nothing?

Forgive me, but I'm still not familiar enough with the Initials used on MB to make sense of what you said about yourself. You're a what?

aw3, sorry to impose briefly but I just wanted to tell say (and pom) that I answered you over on my thread in EN, if you want to visit, so I don't take any more of aw3's space.

AW3,

Again, did you read my previous post on change? You are asking for help and I would just like to know your thoughts on whether or not this may have been a problem in the marriage. You CANNOT explain this! You CANNOT change your wife's current state of mind. Doing something positive with yourself may just preserve your sanity while you work through the stages of your grief. Or... you can just tread water and scream "why is this happening to me?" Most of us eventually decide for positive change. In ourselves.

It is just sticking your head in the sand to continue to think that your wife had everything any woman could possibly want and abandoned it. This whole situation is about choices. Your good ones and her bad ones. Wanna make some good ones? Read! Read everything on here and don't reject the advise given to you. Your children need one clear thinking parent.
This affair was NOT your fault. Period! No one on here will say that it was. Ever! But you are the only part of your former and possibly future marriage that you can change. It is your choice.

LOL
SAHM=stay at home mom.

Another problem about doing everything for a spouse is that they don't respect you after awhile.

Lack of respect, selfishness, entitlement are all ingredients for having an A. All it takes then is an opportunity and it's a done deal.

You did everything for her (she has no real responsibilities)
+ she gets to decide about house, vacations, etc (basically she gets her way all the time)
+ she gets to have an EA and a PA and you forgive and move on without major changes in her being addressed

And so what do you get?

A woman who has all the ingredients she needs to continue what she has done in the past. It's one heck of a recipe.

Abandoned,

Yes I can help you, it is all very SIMPLE, it is just no easy.


Here are a few things for you to consider.

1. Your W's choice of OM are all older and in positions of responsibility. You don't hold such a position.

2. Whether you figure out WHY she did it is irrelavent, it whether she ever figures it out.

3. You can worry, wonder, speculate all you want about your W's motives, but I can tell you the main one. She wanted to get away from her family and responsibilities. The WHY? is her issue, not yours.

4. Like all of us you need to learn, grow, and make use of what this experience can and will teach you. It is not about her, it is about you getting something positive out of this whole mess, something perhaps you can pass on to your children when they become older. Your oldest isn't far from the age of your WS when her mother left. Do you see a similarity here? I see many things that make sense and seem to be a repeat of history and your W's search for security, as illusory as that may be.

5. It is time for you to quit trying to fix this. You cannot fix anything until and unless she decides to end the affairs and return to the family. THEN and ONLY THEN will any knowledge you have gained about yourself be of use.

6. Step back take your hands off of the wheel. You are trying to steer a ship that is NOT UNDER YOUR COMMAND. I think you know full well what I am talking about.

7. Stop idle speculation, look at data, and if you don't have data what until it shows up. You are going to have to learn the hard lesson most here do learn, you have little control of this. What you do have are data and experience in the form of the information on this site. You can then trace the arc of her behavior with the hope that someday she will decide to give you another chance.

8. Work at your job, work with your kids, make sure they are legally protected (your W has issues that might well make her not the best choice to guide your children).

9. Finally, 3 affairs says very definitely that she wants out, UNLESS she decides to use you some more.

Abandoned, you chose your name well. You have been abandoned and it is time you take you life boat and started to make some headway toward some sort of safe harbor.

Focus on YOUR plan for your life and that of your children. IF in the future the path of your W's life somehow begins to parallel yours again, then and only then will there be a chance. It is a matter of patience and willingness to move on, mixed. Please read Harley's articles and some of his books, I think you will see in much better words what I am trying to tell you now.

Your pain is real. Your loss is real. Her leaving is real. It is to your advantage to learn as much as you can from this experience, it is your job to do this, it is your duty to do so. To allow her affairs and abandonment to control your life and mess up your children further is to waste an OPPORTUNITY to grow.

You of all people should know this is the message that is given to you everyday and surely every Sunday. GROW, IMPROVE, LEARN, and be a great father. YOu have been blessed in some very interesting ways that few that come here have.

1. You CAN and do take care of virtually all of your children's physical needs so you are not on a steep learning curve in this respect.

2. You can be home and still make a living and support your children.

3. You have friends and family that support you.

4. Your children love you.

Abandoned, you have been blessed more than you realize and it is time that you did realize it. Oddly, you may also look back and see that you had a role in helping your W when she was young and needed it most. Perhaps she feels she does not need you now, seems odd, but perhaps true. It is not your call.

Do what you can do, count your blessing, and keep learning and growing.

God Bless,

JL

Pom, your 2X4 was misplaced in your criticism of Catperson. Please, before you start applying 2X4's, read the threads of the people you're actually talking to. This was uncalled for and really not helpful in any way. You were way off the mark and AW3 didn't need to read through your incorrect impression of Catperson based on a few posts she made on someone else's thread.

Applause applause KLD!!!

Sorry for the TJ aw3. Won't happen again!

WH2LE

P.S. aw3, Have you read Surviving An Affair yet?

I dont have a lot of time to post here, But I did a quick read on your thread, and the whole thing sounds a LOT like a former frequent poster named GeorgiaGuy.
I would suggest a quick search for GeorgiaGuy, and alls for GG formerly Georgia Guy.

I am sorry I don't have a lot of time to search for you right now - but his situation was very similar. Wife had an A years prior, they managed to recover, travel together, built their dream home, no signs of trouble. Active SF life, etc. And then she got into an EA with some guy she met on the internet. This guy was M, living with his wife, no job (his wife worked as a hotel maid to support the family) and the two of them talked on the phone for many, many hours every day. When GG tried to stop the A he was accused of controlling her, taking away her friend,just like he had taken away the "other friend" (her first A)

I don't think GG ever did come up with a "reason" for her multiple A's. He just reached a point where she flat out refused to stop the EA and he came to the conclusion that she would never commit to be faithful.

Try searching through some of my old posts - I use to post on his thread a lot.

Thanks again.

...Well, maybe it's too early to switch to Plan B. W and I just had a very cordial conversation to agree on her visitation schedule with the kids. I had intended for this to be the beginning of NC, but now I'm not so sure! We agreed on what she would take from the house for her new place as well as the amount of financial support she would give me each and every month. We compromised, we laughed together a little, and we were in NO WAY confrontational. Don't misunderstand, I'm not after some sense of false hope here, but I could see in her eyes that she does miss me. She even admitted that she had wondered while traveling for work today, "Who will I call if I have a flat tire, or get lost." I explained that she could call me anytime; not just when she needs me, but even just to talk.

I can't believe that she agreed to only every other weekend and one evening per week! Thus far, she has seen the kids 9 of the 11 days that she's been gone. As I've said over and over, she's had her cake and been allowed to eat it too. She has NEVER slept alone in our house before, not that I think she can't, I just know she won't be comfortable.

She says she will come to get her things Sunday. I encouraged her to make sure that this is what she wants before spending money or moving furniture. She never agreed to think about anything or even acknowledged what I said, but I know she heard me.

She finally confessed that her sole reason for leaving was that I made her feel like she was my obligation...someone I had to take care of just like the kids. I explained that I had never felt that way, only doing what I did out of love and trying to make her life easier. Again, remember, I DO work from home! I have no regrets other than the fact that I never knew how she felt. Had she ever once told me, I would have GLADLY stopped doing so much and understood her feelings. I told her I could now see how she might feel like that, but reiterated that this was never my intention.

She told me to be careful in my travels tomorrow as she left. I told her to call anytime she wanted to talk. I'm not sure if I've followed the MB principals in this or not, but I do know that, if we never speak again, her last impression was of a man who loves her and sincerely wants his wife back home. I once again made the offer to go to counseling, and encouraged her to go alone if she didn't want to go with me. I even told her that I probably would myself (I'm sure I need to!). I'm not as depressed as before our talk. It's odd that I would come away from a conversation where we divided our life's assets feeling better about things.

Bump...Opinions?

Do not enable the A. Do not confuse Plan A with enabling the A. Do not HELP her move out. Don't let her take anything from the home beyond her personal items. Those things are marital assets and can be divided through divorce, which you also won't facilitate.

Reality needs to hit her hard. She's moved out of the home, away from her kids, and all the comfort of home. SHE has decided to do this. Let her reap what she has sown.

The only reason WS's move out is to be able to continue their affair unimpeded by their marriage partner. She is abandoning you and your children and has spun a sad story about not being your obligation, or needing space, or blah, blah, blah.

I suggest you go to a dark Plan B.

You want opinions. Why bother? You have ignored my questions and suggestions numerous times. I don't claim to be an expert but I believe I may have some insight into your situation. you have chosen to ignore my questions. wsill you just pick and choose the responses you reply to? I believe you need to be honest with yourself. Are you capable?

Say