Yes. I exposed to everybody I thought could/would put pressure on her. Mostly family and friends. I just talked to her and she said that she was just checking if he had sent anything to her. She says she wants him to break it off so she doesn't have to. I've looked a the previous emails of her saying that they have to break it off and he even has said he doesn't want to be the one to tear apart a family. She even showed the emails to the MC. He said that OM is very disturbed. His emails are up and down in regards of loving her but knowing there are circumstances that can prevent it and hoping that they could be friends. My WW is going to a psychiatrist tomorrow to be evaluated for ADD/ADHD/bipolar/manic at the request of the MC. I know she has some form of ADD and with the actions that have occured looks a little manic. ADD/bipolar runs on both sides of her family.

I think I missed something important. Did you definitely determine that she was in a physical affair (PA) with this guy? Did the PI come up with something? Did she confess?

She confessed to it after I told her I saw her emails to him

Just remember, it's hard for wayward spouses to go "cold turkey". She probably misses him very much, and will be strongly tempted to get back in touch with him. You need to be aware of that, that even if she really wants to save the marriage, she will be tempted to get back in touch.

Getting back in touch is disastrous, and will lead to a re-ignition of the affair. So, keep watch for that. Surviving An Affair will have information for her on how to guard against this.

Just don't assume the affair is completely over. It takes time for the wayward to "withdraw" from the affair partner... and contact "resets the clock" on that time.

All the best!

If she doesn't cease all contact with OM, and go through withdrawal, then she will still be in WS fog, and any efforts at reconciliation will be futile.

I have just went through the same thing. I confronted by husband and he denied it over and over and left me a note (after twenty years of marriage) that he has not been happy for a long time. My husband and I were good friends with another couple and I brought this woman into my home while her husband was working overseas and invovled her with me and my husband's social activites and with our other friends. I was not only betrayed by my husband but my friendship with her was used against me to be closer to my husband. Needless to say, I am totaly devasted. The secret email accounts, the private calls, and meeting her at different places, She used her sad stories of how she was unhappy and sucked my husband in. I finally put recorder in his truck because I knew they were still talking and had it on tape. I confronted him and He denied it over and over until I said I have it on tape. I was told months ago it was just in my mind, but I seen all the warning signs, the thing is, he has never in the twenty years ever lied to me or cheated on me. Twenty years of trust were wiped out. I dont know if this is a mid life crisis or if he is really loves her. I ask him and of course said he was not in love her. I actually talk with her and ask her to not interfer anymore , that him and I were trying to work it out, but instead she went after him and now has left her husband. This was a selfish act that not only destroy our marriage but our family is suffering as well. The pain of betrayal by both of them is more than I can handle. My trust was used against me. He said it's him that has the problem, and he is struggling with the guilt and the pain he has inflicted on me and our family.

Suzan, you should start your own thread in the General Questions II forum so that others here can help you and be a support system.

Well she is going through withdrawal. I think she is struggling with why does she have to cease all contact. I have expressed how I would like her to write him a letter like the one in SAA and she doesn't want to. I have expressed that she should close her email accounts and get a cell phone number. She said she wanted to talk to the MC about it. She hasn't said anything about it since. She was very angry and depressed yesterday and didn't want to talk at all. I fear that she is going to make contact with him soon. What can I do?

When will you see the MC?

Actually, I'm curious. Your MC seemed totally oblivious to the obvious signs your wife was cheating. He wanted you to condone her going out with OM and to "give her the gift" of letting her move out to her apartment, and he suggested that any concern you had of an affair was fear-based and irrational.

How did he react to her admission of the affair?

She is still in the fog. Wait and do plan A ... focus your energy to your kids !.

-rh-

CC
He said he suspected but she never admitted to him. He also recommended the the keylogger

Cat,
Saw the MC this morning

How'd it go with the MC? Any progress?

It isn't fair but you have to remember that some of the anger you see in your WW is the withdrawl. She is hurting because she cannot get a fix from OM. Harsh reality, I know. But I say it to remind you that it may not be a reflection on how she is feeling about your recovery and M as much as how she is reacting to being without an addiction she has had for awhile.

I still think that the NC letter is a must. She's leaving the door unlocked. It not only invites him to contact her, but it leaves a way for her to contact him. If she writes a letter, OM knows what she has committed to. Even if SHE might hope to contact later, HE may slam the door after the letter.

Hey familyman,

How are things going? How was MC?

CC,
It's going ok. We stayed in a cabin this weekend without the kids. We watched movies, read books, went out to dinner, played the board game LIFE(I won), cuddle a bit, and a little sex. I got the good news that she isn't pregnant. Woohoo! No baby! One less thing to worry about. Pretty good weekend.

When I got home and started recollecting back to the weekend and I felt tired. Tired of always being the one that extended my hand to hers, to rub her back, to rub her feet, give hugs and kisses. She never really made any effort. That took a toll on me last night. I felt like I had worked all weekend with not much in return. I just wanted to be alone and only think about myself for awhile. After reading here and the SAA book I guess this is part of it. I'm not going to get much in return for awhile.

When we got back to the house in the afternoon I told her I really wanted to have some sex. She said "That's how I felt
when I was pregnant with Tate for nine months". Ouch! That hurt.

The MC has her going to a psychiatrist now. She is taking anti-depressant and ADD medications. The MC says she doesn't know who she is right now and trying to figure it out. He says the fog will probably lift soon. He is familiar with the Harveys.

An email she wrote me today:

"Just wanted to say thank you for all the effort you put into this past weekend to make it special. I know that I am not all “there” right now but I want you to know that I am trying. I don’t know whats wrong with me but thank you for all that you have done to be so supportive. Thank you for making so much effort and I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you are doing and it means a lot. I know I might not show it but I am appreciative. Im sorry I have hurt you I really am. I love you. have a great rest of the day."

I think we are making steps in the right direction

That sounds good. Nothing too heavy, it sounds like, but reconnecting with one another.


I am very happy to hear this! I'm sure you are very relieved!


You really do, I think, have to suck it up and just keep slogging for now. And I think during the course of a marriage - a lifelong marriage - there will be times when you carry the load, and times when she carries the load. Just find strength where you can... maybe keep in mind your children, and how you are doing everything you can to preserve their family. Keep in mind the good times with your wife, and maintain the hope that you can have good times again.


That sounds good, I think. It does sound like that MLC site you pointed out... hopefully she will get through all this. How long had she been hanging out with the younger crowd, btw?


I think you are. That sounds like a heartfelt email, take strength from it... that sounds like your wife talking, not the Wayward Wife you've been dealing with.

Remember your wedding vows... for better or for worse. This is the worse... but you can survive it, and if you both get through this, you can take all this hurt and use it as a catalyst to restore and rebuild your marriage.

And if you do... you won't take each other for granted ever again.

All the best,
CC

Thanks for the reply.

She hasn't hung out with the younger crowd since d-day. Not exactly sure how long she was hanging out with them but she started going out with them early this year.

Kind of hard today. Missing some of my ENs and wondering if she is ever going to change. I also don't like going to work and not knowing what she is doing. She does tell me what her plans are every day but still nervous.

While writing this she called and told me what her plans are for today.

You need to feel safe about her actions. I totally understand. Feeling unsafe is horrible. I don't know if you suspect she is meeting the OM or not. I would suggest, for your own sanity, a hidden GPS in her car (if she has one).

Google Land, Air, Sea Systems, Inc.

I asked to get a sense of how long she has been "drifting" like this...


Remember, your goal isn't just to have your wife return to the marriage, and nothing more. No-body would want to live that way.

Keep in mind that it is likely that before the A, neither of you were doing a particularly good job meeting the other's ENs - simply because most people don't understand about ENs, or understand that their partner has different ENs. It is also likely both of you were LoveBusting each other... simply because most people end up LoveBusting because they don't realize how destructive it is.

Your goal is not just to regain your marriage... but to rebuild it. You will ultimately want to have the kind of marriage where you both meet each other's Emotional Needs and work to make each other feel secure.

In other words, your goal is to work toward a situation where that WILL change. It may take a little time... and be prepared to invest that time... but once the fog lifts on her end, she will appreciate what you are doing for her, and you can use the tools taught at this site to make sure she understands what your emotional needs are. If her lovebank is full, she will want to meet your needs.


Yeah... I can understand what you're saying.

If it helps... if she is seeing him behind your back... it will eventually show in her behavior. I have a friend I met on this site whose WW went back secretly to her affair partner after pretending to end the affair. Her behavior was very "off" - she wasn't nice to him in any way during their false recovery. She never sent him an email like your wife sent you. Eventually, I told him it was very clear to me that her behavior was exactly the way it had been during the A - and he found out that she was, indeed, continuing the A.

If your wife continues to see the OM secretly... she probably won't be able to hide that. Her behavior will eventually show it.

Anyway... hang in there... and remember what you are striving for. Not just a marriage where you do all the heavy lifting... but a restored and rebirthed marriage where you both work to meet each other's needs and where you both make each other your priority.