I will be deleting this info, FH, after you see it.

***info deleted****


I've given her a place to start with this on my latest post to her.

It's challenging, but can be done.

Good morning,

I actually can answer this one pretty easily, because where I don't give myself enough credit in much of my life, THIS ONE I am PROUD OF.

My husband walked out on us one year ago today. I plan A'd him for probably far too long, but I did an AMAZING Plan A. I learned from Mimi, to develop a PLAN that was MINE. I was making changes in me that I WANTED to, so they would be long lasting. I was HONEST with myself on who I had become and what I had done to destroy the M and began seeking G-d on how HE wanted those changes to happen.

I created EVERY opportunity I could to interject me into the picture, from sending emails, leaving phone messages, text messages, dropping by at work, bringing him stuff, setting up plans for us to meet, inviting him to children's events, calling him for advice. Mimi taught me to learn to figure out what his needs were and meet EVERYONE I could, WHENEVER I could for AS LONG AS I COULD.

I got NOTHING. He responded a few times and I knew that my plan was working, but remember this plan was about ME. Not about HIM.

So, I truly believe that if you seek G-d, stay very close to here for advice, you can work an amazing Plan A. It probably won't bring him home, but you will feel better for what you have done, will have some fun memories of the outrageous stuff you learn to create and pull off and in the end, you will feel empowered because you did EVERYTHING you could to save your M.

No, not the best of situations, but something is better than nothing.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and hope! I have been feeling like a doubleminded person, but NO MORE! I am claiming victory in Jesus. I am tired of feeling defeated and allowing Satan access to my home, and my life/mind, my children and my husband! He is still MY husband and I intend to move forward alone successfully with our children, but with the hope burning bright that you are correct and that the Holy Spirit is going to burden him so greatly that it will physically be unbearable the pain and pressure until he turns and reaches out for the love and forgiveness through Christ that he already possesses!
I will no longer live in Lack or in Faithless wavering either God and His word are true or they are not, but I have found them to be true in my life, so why would I stop now??? I renounce and bind Satan from my life in the powerful name of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior.

WOW, all that to say thank you and yes, I have become an insatiable reader, but have not found a lot of encouraging resources for the dark times, you know like what to do now when he is living with the OW and cut off from us.
I am including his latest two e-mails to the children, I am not sure how to handle these, they are only 5 (boy) and 8 (girl), but they have each been struggling with not wanting to see him because he has physically changed his appearance so much and he is not truly sorry for his sin and actions and we have raised them to know that this is wrong and they have caught him recently in more lies, so how do I handle this for them, I don't believe that he is ready, but I cannot know that other than the way that he treats me as their mother.

E-mails to the children:
I miss you and love you buddy. I would really like to talk to you. Please write me back. I miss all of you very much. Tell sissy that you and her need to give W**** a kiss and a hug for me ok? I hope to hear from you all soon.

Love
Daddy

I love you sweetheart. I miss you and wish you would write me back. I want to come see you and talk to you. Please write me as soon as you can G****.

Love
Daddy

This is the first e-mail that they received since last Tuesday morning. He also told our daughter last week that he would call every night and he hasn't called since?? I am trying to explain as best as I can that he has chosen sin and Satan over the truth in a way that young children can understand, but I want him to see and be with his children and see that I am a beautiful good woman, but then I would be going back to plan A right??? Please any advice would be appreciated. My lawyer has advised no contact until the support hearing in July, he wants him to truly be alone in his sin and choices and realize that if he doesn't choose to change like he chose this life, then his actions will make this permanent.
Thanks.....

KLB,

You are so right. This is spiritual warfare that is out to destroy us. We have to find G-d and seek his help and guidance on how to walk through this.

My WH has destroyed his relationship with his 3 children who he was VERY CLOSE to. He emails one every so often, he has completely stopped talking to the middle one and his DD, well he barely talks to her. I have learned how to step up and be the spiritual one in the family, seeking G-d on how HE wants me to raise these kids and seeking out others in the community that G-d would like in my life to influence my children and learn those lessons that they need to learn.

Seek G-d for all instruction and the hardest part, waiting, listening and hearing the answer. I still struggle with this one, they pray for more help.

You are doing awesome, be proud of yourself.

When you invite him to dinner, do NOT whine, cry, or beg. Remember, you are a strong woman. Just ask politely.

If he accepts the invitation, say something like,

"I'm sure that you will be sensitive to our children's emotions right now and come alone. They are still processing your not living here, and will enjoy having your undivided attention. You really are important to them."

Hopefully, that will put to rest any thoughts of bringing OW, and you won't even have to directly address it. However, if he insists, make it clear that she will not be welcome in your home or even on your property.

That's some of the stick part of Plan A...your boundaries. Keep OW out of your children's lives for as long as possible. They deserve to be protected from the person who is ripping their family to shreds. Be firm on this if he pushes it.


And if by chance, he does not accept your offer, just non-chalantly say, "Well, that's up to you." or "You'll be missed." or "Maybe next week."

Okay, now I am confused. How did I go from how to answer an e-mail and deal with children who don't want to see their father to inviting him over for dinner????

You are doing a good job! Continue to reinforce what you are saying to your children.

Tell them that when their daddy was tempted, he allowed sin in instead of fleeing from it as we are told to do in the Bible. When we are tempted and do not flee, satan starts to work hard on us, and that is what he has done with daddy. Daddy has allowed sin to take over his life and now he is truly blinded by it and cannot see how much he is hurting you. Let's pray everyday for daddy. Let's pray that God will take off the blinders so that daddy can SEE. Because when he finally can see, he will be devastated by what he has done to our family, to me, and to each of you.

Daddy loves you as best he can right now. I know it doesn't feel like love to you because his actions are not loving. One day, when he is free from this sin, he will be so sorry.

I had many conversations like this with my children, not all at once; but short conversations that when put together, encompassed the above and more.

Now they are seeing the truth in all I said, and seeing that their prayers mattered. They, too, fought in the spiritual battle for their daddy's soul.

Well, I was posting at the same time as you. So I did not see your post about the emails until after I told you to invite him for dinner.

The invitation to dinner is Plan A. These are the kinds of things you do to invite him back into your lives so that you have the opportunity to demonstrate your willingness to meet his emotional needs (ENs), as Dr. H. describes.

I'll read your post about the email respond in a minute.

SunflowerSmile - though I don't know who you "were" in a previous 'member name life,' I think we are perhaps talking about two different things here, and basically in agreement though the terminology is different.

It is NOT that "Plan A" cannot be implemented. It is NEEDED in so far as there might be changes that klb needs to make within herself. I have no doubt that if there are, the Holy Spirit will bring them "front and center" to her awareness and ask her "what are you doing to do about these things that ARE within YOUR control?"

What I mean is that "Plan A" will have little, if any, effect on an active Wayward Spouse and the changes need to be made for two reasons, neither one of which are directed at ENDING the affair.

1. For her personal growth and conforming her life to Christ.

2. To make real changes that make her "attractive" to anyone, with the obvious intent that her husband will begin to see the "contrast" between his bimbo and her as the fog begins to part.

What I used (and I know it doesnt' exist as a 'formal' MB plan) is what I called a "modified Plan B." That kept contact in place so that I could talk to her about us, give her information (like some things I printed out from MB, some books, etc.) that I had and felt would help her in choosing to end her affair and attempt recovery, and it gave me a chance to interact with her so she could see my "behavior" and the reality of both my love for her and the changes I made that were "plan Aish".

But make no mistake about it, if she kept on running from God and refused to "give up" the affair, it would have moved to a "completely dark Plan B."

God bless.

klb - my "opinion" here.

You don't.

You don't "compromise" where your children are concerned.

What your husband is doing is deliberate and willful sin against God. The consequence is that he is NOT their "father" at this time. He is commanded by God to BE the spiritual leader in the home, leading as Christ's stand in.

No dinner until he repents and ends the affair.

The children WILL NOT be allowed to become "pawns" in the adult drama he has visited upon the family, nor does he "get to have his cake and eat it too."

LOSS of family IS a consequence that he is going to have to recognize is "part and parcel" of his fantasy.

God bless.

I understand. I felt the same about our children. We had TOGETHER taught them and protected them and made promises to them that mommy and daddy would be together and in love forever.

That was the absolute hardest part for me. When the visited daddy, they were exposed to music that just a year prior he would have condemned, TV shows (we had no TV for 8 years and no longer have it again--YEAH!), bad language from HIM, yelling, etc.

I knew in my heart that if this was the man he was going to be for years to come, they were better off without him. That helped me resolve in my heart to FIGHT LEGALLY when the time was right. I was preparing to fight for full custody and would refuse to co-parent, if at all possible. But I also knew that the first step in FIGHTING was a SOLID Plan A. And in your case, it should be SHORT but STELLAR!





OF COURSE, he's not ready. He is an alien wayward right now. You are in the MIDST of the battle, not the end. Prepare yourself for the battle. Equip yourself not only with Scripture and prayer, but also with knowledge about affairs and how to FIGHT them.

You see, you must fight in three arenas: the emotional battlefield (your own emotions), the physical front (your actions), and the spiritual realm (prayer and claiming of Scripture). You cannot neglect ANY of these areas.




Right now IS the time for Plan A.

You are handling your children great. You cannot prevent their pain and you are not responsible for their relationship with their daddy.

Be the best mommy you can be. Protect them from OW, and as soon as you go into Plan B, you will protect them as much as possible from the drama of the affair and from his emotional abuse.

But right now, because you are fighting to restore THEIR family, Plan A.


I see these emails as a great OPPORTUNITY to invite him to dinner.

It gives you a reason to extend the invitation without it being about you being weak.

"WS, I saw your emails to the children and AGREE with you that they need you to be in their lives. They are confused and struggling. I think it would be helpful for them to have some undivided (hinting at NO OW) attention with you. When can you come for dinner?"


See how that works. You open a door without being needy. Keep the dialog short and to the point....dinner with the kids, can you come? That's it.

Let's see how he responds.



Is your lawyer trained in how to end affairs and restore marriages or is he trained in how to help people divorce.

I'm not being mean here. Just realize that he is not trained in restoring marriages and Dr. H is. Follow Dr. H's plan for the best opportunity to recover your marriage.

[/quote]

Okay, so I get that we are all kinda getting on the same page here, but I think I still need a clue about a lot here.

So, here is the situation:
Daugher called WH last Tues morning spoke to him first time in a month or more. She told him that she hated his actions and lies and that until he could be a better father and made better decisions that she didn't want to see or talk to him. WH then spoke to me crying and saying he was so sorry for the way that he has treated me in blaming me and saying that I was filling the children's heads with wrong thinking. Good conversation, I reitterated that we all love him and are praying for him and that we still very much want for him to come home. I said I love you and he said that he would call to continue talking later that night. He called back that night when the children were in bed; however, when he called back she was home and he had gotten rebuilt in his resolve that he is in love with her and that I am the problem and he called and was verbally and emotionally abusive and then I got angry and called her a "home wrecking whore with no morals or self-esteem that she was willing to take a married man away from his pregnant wife and children" Obviously truth but wrong thing to say, so he got angry and hung up on me, so I called back and left a voicemail saying that I was extremely sorry for taking the bait and allowing him to make me angry. I said that I enjoy talking to him, but when he calls that she is there it is not appropriate because he only wants to pick a fight and remind himself what a bad person I was to make himself feel better about his wrong and sinful choices. I told him I needed some space to find some peace in this and get my feet back in under me from the shock of his betrayal. That was last Tuesday and the e-mails to the children are the first we have heard from him since.

Should I contact him and reinitiate communication, should I continue in silence until he reaches out to us. I want to have him start seeing me in a good way again that I am a beautiful woman, I have been doing weight watchers since Decemberish and have lost 47lbs to date, I have been reading and studying and taking better care of me and working on cleaning out/up our home. Taking good care of the children and they are doing great in their homeschool program. I love him and want to change and be able to meet his needs. I have been working on the questionaires from MB and trying to learn about myself and my needs, but I really don't know because he has withdrawn so much what his needs are, how do I figure/find this out?

Wow, lots of great advice being given here! I understand the need to go into Plan B very soon, but I also think it is important to do so when the WS has a good taste in his mouth about the marriage. If she goes DARK when there has been nothing but conflict, that is all he will remember; that will only bolster his affair justification. ["she was mean to me, therefore I am entitled"] To go dark while in a state of conflict is to "throw him into the arms of the OP."

Like FH said, it is really impossible to meet the needs of a WS, but you can leave a PLEASANT taste in his mouth along with the assurance that you would be willing to meet his needs if you reconciled. That is really the best you can do.

So, I would prepare to go into Plan B, but also find opportunities over the next 10 days to leave a good taste in his mouth. This will also cause him CONFUSION, because he needs you to react in ANGER and SPITE in order to continue his rationalizations.

Also, I do happen to know who SS is, and can vouch for her. She has been around quite a while and knows the ropes. She speaks from successful experience.

I will call him and let you know how the invite to dinner goes....
Thank you for the advice. I agree it opens a good opportunity and I want him to see how much I love and miss him, but how much we are working to move forward.

FH, are you saying that you do not agree with Dr. H suggesting a Plan A during an active affair, BEFORE Plan B?

kb, for the next 10 days, even if it kills you, avoid any and all fights with him. If he brings up his affair or the kids or grievances about you, then CHANGE THE SUBJECT. Even if it KILLS YOU. Tell him, "let's talk about something more pleasant" and change the subject. Look for opportunities to tell him about the things you miss that he used to do.

Better yet, ASK HIM if he could come and fix something around the house "because he is so good at that."

Whatever you do, don't fight with him. Don't engage in any serious talks. Using reason and truth on a person who uses no reason and is running from truth is an exercise in futility. So don't even try. It will get you nowhere.

NO FIGHTS, no accusations, no attacking his wh*re. Nothing. ok?

The word of the day is: PLEASANT

Ask yourself in every interaction, "do I look more or less appealing than the OW?"

If you were your H, who would you want to be around?

1. adoring OW who never says an unpleasant word

2. wife who calls me names and treats me like a bum

So, when you feel like lovebusting him, just remember who you are helping when you do that: THE OW!!! And this is not the help-the-ho program, but the help your marriage program! Got dat?

kb, what other exposure opportunities do you have? Have you exposed to the OW's parents? Who is this woman and what does she do? Have you ever spoken to her?

You are getting good advice. I think you also know that you need to seek God's will in this. I dealt with a WH for almost a year before I finally realized that he was wayward. I instinctively went into plan A as I dealt with his unkindness and indifference toward me and our marriage. I don't know how anyone can plan-A a WH without God's help and I sought it daily. Each and every morning I prayed the same prayer. I prayed to see my H as God sees him, to value him as God values him, to love him as God loves him and to be the best possible wife that I could possibly be. I prayed for God to take my anger and change my reaction to H's unkindness.

Even after I discovered the A, I was able to maintain that response. God loves our WHs just as much as He loves us. That doesn't mean that we should condone their sin or become a door mat but it does allow us to plan A.

My FWH chose me and our marriage as soon as I confronted him but if he had not, I would still have been a better person with a closer walk with God.

Say

just don't run him off with a bullwhip like Jesus did the moneychangers in the temple! That would be a huge lovebuster!

Well, I know that God's word is true beyond doubt, not that I really doubted him, but more I guess I was one of those who wanted to see proof. Now I just need to live totally in faith and trust and keep repelling Satan from our lives and marriage and home.
I just got off the phone with my WH. We had a great conversation. He admitted that there is NO honeymoon or fantasy love nest happening!!! YEAH!! Sorry, but small victories are wonderful!
I invited him over for dinner tomorrow night and he said that he would love to come over and see the children and I. He actually wants to see me!
I don't want to be a rebound or think that it is over or we are there or anything because I know that we are not. There is a lot of healing that has to happen and he still hasn't repented to God, and in order for the change to be lasting he has to give his whole life without any reservations to God! Please pray for me to continue to be strong and to protect my heart, but still be open and honest. Pray for WH to be receptive to the questionaire that I want to give him from the MB website. I want to be honest in ways that we have always struggled with, communication and intimacy in conversation has always been difficult because WH has been afraid and withdrawn due to the way he was raised, they taught him to never apologize for anything it is all a part of your sacred journey, but WH says that he doesn't ask for forgiveness because he doesn't believe that he deserves any.

Any additional advice about tomorrow? I know dress nice and do my hair and makeup nicely to present myself as a gift to him. What about planning activities for the children to do with him to make it easier or should I just see what happens?

Also he wants to talk about support/finances. He cannot pay his bills because he is paying me his entire paycheck to cover just the house and utilities and such, so how do I protect myself, yet do the right thing. Even though the credit cards are in his name alone, since PA is a 50/50 state I am still legally responsible for half until the time of divorce, so since I am the financially frugal spouse Should I ask for the Credit cards and statements and that he pay extra to me so that I can pay the cards down, or should I continue with the $500 voluntary support and put as much as possible into savings as I have been doing to protect the children and I????