My husband met with the marriage counselor last night. Up until now the only ones who have known the havic I caused was a few very close friends. He decided that the only chance of moving forward with me is to tell his family...he feels like he is hiding a big secret and everyone thinks we are this perfect little couple.

I'm ok with him telling his family if it helps him. The MC says it could go either way after he confides in them. The part the nags on me is the protection that a family wants to give others. That they will just say drop her, she's a c&*^ that doesn't deserve you and you can do so much better.

You have to remember that we don't have kids - I can't - so there isn't that type of family bound between my husband and myself to help his family think that working on our marriage, and having something even better is worthwhile.

I know that the decision to move forward with me or not is something only he can decide and I pray that his family will help me (and maybe us) but it doesn't mean that the thought of losing him doesn't hurt any less. It doesn't mean that those old feelings of never having a consistent relationship, love won't happen because I'm not worth it. Now the rational side knows better. How do you tame the irrational side? How do you have faith that brothers and mom and dad will see our entire together and not just the horrible mistake that I've been trying to amend for and correct...that I've been doing just about anything I can think of, read about, or hear from the MC because I do love my husband and I never want to hurt him again.

I don't see how him telling his family is going to help anything. Its his right to tell them, but I think its more likely to disrupt recovery efforts than help them.

I exposed to my parents because I had to, but I wish I hadn't needed to. They are very supportive and have never said a cross word to my W, but I wish they didn't know.

Exposure is a tool used to end affairs. I have a hard time understanding why your H would WANT to do this.

My husband has always been very close to his family. He views this has keeping a secret from them and protraying a happy life when that is not what it is for him right now. His dad and middle brother are his best friends. I think he is torn on what to do...the MC says that my husband sounded like he was starting to understand and have some compassion for me, which he would need to have a new life with me. (He isn't excusing the A, just understanding where I was at and seeing the things I've done, continue to do and plan to do in the future to make sure I never get back to the ugly pace again.)

I think my husband also needs a support system to help him out, which his family could provide. His friend that knows told him to work on things with me and improve our marriage, that the love is still there, just need to find it...then in a shock to my husband and I his friend went on to confess that he had cheated on his wife, they worked together and are now happier than ever (and expecting #3). That's said because I think that while my husband respects his friend he also thinks that a WS is also going to stick up for another WS.

Also, I'm not so sure its a want but a NEED on his end. He is looking for guidance, I'm just not sure that the guidance that his family will give him will lead him back to me. Two of his mom's siblings had affairs but in both cases they have both been happily married to the OW/OM for many, many years...she might not see that I love her son and want to make him happy, bring him joy.

I commend you for being so willing to allow your husband what he needs to do. In the end, it WILL help your recovery. The hardest thing for a BS is a FWS who consistently resists their needs.

There are many reasons your H may need to tell his family. When my FWH strayed, I chose NOT to tell my family. As in your case, it wasn't necessary for exposure. The affair had already ended.
I did not tell them because simply, I felt they would blame ME. My mother would have for certain and my brother usually follows her lead in opinions about ME. I know my family and I know how they treated me after I was divorced from my XH.

I did tell my sister, but not for MANY months. The only reason I waited with her was because we went on vacation and spent 2 weeks with her only 8 days after D-Day. I needed a vacation SOOOOOO badly that I wasn't going to take the chance of ruining it. It turned out to be the right decision.

But here's the rub. I find myself avoiding my family who doesn't know, because it takes so much energy to act like life is just fine. I love them despite their failings in empathy towards me.( I dealt with these issues a LONG time ago.) I would so much rather they KNEW and could see us recovering. It's geting a little easier after a year, but even on Mother's Day, it was a challenge to me.

AND,.. after we came back from vacation last year , I even found myself avoiding my dear sister, who I am close to in an indescribable way. I felt strongly that I was keeping an important secret from her and had to pretend with her. I knew that if she ever found out, she would be very hurt that I hadn't told her. When I DID tell her, she was GREAT!!!. As I suspected, she supported both ME and my H. She NEVER once even intimated that I should leave my H!! I knew that if *I* wanted to work it out that my sister would do all in her power to help us, even if it was just praying.

I would guess that this is what your H is looking for.

I will pray that you both find a peace in this and that your in-laws will react as my sister did.

Blessings to both of you,
WH2LE

I very much agree that he should tell his close family members so he can get their love and support. These are people who are integral parts of his life, and they have no idea that he has been through this life shattering tragedy. This is probably the worst thing that will ever happen to him in his whole life and they are clueless.

That being said, he needs to make it clear that you have done everything in your power to make amends and earn his forgiveness. As such, he is COMMITTED to restoring the marriage.

I would suggest having this discussion with you ALL THERE, so you can show a unified front. That will also give you an opportunity to apologize to them for inflicting such harm on their son/brother and to assure them that you will do what it takes to justly compensate him.

They will also be hurt by this news, so it is important that you acknowledge that, ask for their forgiveness and tell them of your committment to repairing the damage.

I am like your H, it would add to my PAIN to have to conceal this from my closest family members. But this can be done in a way that can be positive if handled correctly.

Do you all think that best friends should be included in that? My H hasn't told his bf yet and it worries me. Is that an area where exposure is helping facilitate the end of the A or is it just him protecting himself from his bf's judgment (which he knows will be harsh).

Oh, don't think too much of my willingness of my husband to tell his family. Part of me screams, to myself, that this will ruin any chance of recovery and after tears the other part says that maybe with the support of his family he can committ to recovery our relationship. He has not committed to recovery nor really given any indication that he wants to. He is unsure what to do.

I'm not sure about being with him when he talks to his family. I know he is going to tell his brother first, I suppose see what he has to say before talking with his parents. I think we both know that this will be detrimital to his mother and how she looks at me/interacts with. I think depending on if his brother is support of us working together will say alot of my husband wanting to recover and then will probably decide if he tells his parents. I do think he should talk with his dad.

It is just hard to imagine that in-laws would encourage him to work on recovery, especially with no children (sometimes I HATE infertility). Won't their desire to protect him tell him to drop me? Isn't that what the Harley's say, that sometimes you have to not listen to your friends because their interest is to protect you, not your relationship.

RE: Telling best friends - no expert by any means but having more people to support your relationship seems like a great idea. There will be times when the FWS will be down, not from withdrawal of the OP but from knowing the damage and hurt they've caused their spouse, and after the initial shock, a friend can be there to talk to when a BS might not want to hear about you being down. Which is why, when I apply this to family, I can understand his need to speak with family. Just pray that they realize that I'm not the person and will not be again.

jlr,

There is only one person that needs to tell your betrayed husband's family the truth.

That my dear is YOU.

No need for details.

No need for long discussions.

Especially no need for your rationalizations on hubby's possible role in this mess.

When you are finished your hubby then tells his family. " I love my wife. I forgive(if true) her for what she has done. I would appreciate it that this subject no longer comes up in any discussion as we are both(if true) committed to saving our marriage. I hope for your support and your prayers"

I'm not so sure that this would play out like you say. I'm fine with being there and will tell them or just answer questions if he would like but the part at the end, where my husband says "I love my wife" will not be there. I think the more likely ending is "what should I do, she says she loves me but I don't know if I can love her again?"

That is a decision that your H will have to make. Others might have input, and he should get their input in making a careful decision. The end goal is his best interest, not to save a marriage at any cost. He has to make that determination.

However, I do think that his family - and HIM - would be much more likely to encourage him to stay if you stepped up to the plate and admitted it and apologized. That would go a very long way with me as a mother.

Even so, some family members will always say: "kick him/her to the curb." That can't be avoided. Every BS on this forum has heard that at least once. Sometimes it IS the best course of action. But, the buck stops with your H ultimately.

Ridiculous!


It would play our EXACTLY as I have described.


What happens after you WOMAN-UP and do the right thing YOU can't control.

Doing the correct thing is NOT based on outcome.


It is based on TRUTH and SELF-RESPECT.

How would you recommend telling my husband that I would like to be the one to tell them? The thought has crossed my mind before it broached here but I was afraid that it would seem like I was trying to control the situation.

I know that the ultimate goal is to have a happy hubby but my part of the goal is to have a happy hubby with me. If husband wants to do it alone, he is a loner more often than not, how can I own up to it?

jl, what is the context of telling them? Is he doing it order to get their opinion on his future? Or to help him recover from a traumatic event? What exactly is the context and the goal?

It sounds like it is to help him recover and to get their opinion on whether or not he should work on recovering. He says he cares about me but caring is not loving.

This is what the MC wrote me - since it is MC and not IC she updates me on what happens even though our sessions are not together.

"I had my session with Adam today and wanted to let you know the significant parts. Just as you thought, Adam did genuinely enjoy the vacation with you. However, it did not change where he's at in the relationship. We talked about the affair quite a bit and I tried to help him see that the affair was connected to your self-loathing at the time and, in my opinion, connected to your past. It was also, of course, triggered by him abandoning you. This is important for him to get so that he can have compassion for you, and some hope that things can change when you've done EMDR etc. He needs to see that he'll be able to trust you again and to make sense of what happenned. If he can't do this then his only option is to get out of the relationship. He seemed like he was understanding "why" a little better. He also came to the conclusion that he needs to tell his family about the affair and get their thoughts. He's felt like he's been keeping a big secret and if they support him in staying with you then it might change his mind and make him want to try. It obviously could go the other way, too, but I encouraged him to tell them the whole story (not just the part about you having an affair) so that they can make up their own minds with all the information. He'll be making an appointment with me after he talks with them."

This is where most of my information comes from regarding telling his family. My husband and I talked briefly about it last night but wasn't in the mind set to have another "MC session." I get that - its painful. From what he has said before and from the MC says I think it is more for a support system, no matter what the outcome.

JLR,

If you don't mind my asking, why do you do separate MC? It seems like that would add a third party into the mix (kind of a he said/she said sort of thing). I often use our MC as a "guide" for my discussions with H. Sometimes MC will ask a question that begins a discussion between H and me, sometimes MC is just there to help re-direct when the discussion goes south.

Do you get to have sessions together as well?

He is very confused because your MC is not able to give him a picture of a hopeful future with you. She is not telling him HOW he can restore the passion for you and teaching him HOW to do it. She is not teaching YOU how to rebuild the trust in your marriage and giving him assurance that this can happen.

Instead she is FEEDING HIS insecurities, the insecurities of a very traumatized, confused man. She is not guiding him in a productive way, jl. He is blinded by the blood of his wound and she is asking him how he "feels" instead of taking his hand and guiding him to the ER so he can get help. She is making him drive the boat and he does not know HOW to drive a boat!

Do you see the difference?

When your H tells her he doesn't know if he can ever trust you again, she is not taking that opportunity to say: HERE IS HOW TRUST IS RESTORED and giving him the STEPS to achieve that. When he says he feels no love, she should be showing you both HOW to restore love.

We see the MC at seperate times because right now he is more positive about a future with me when I'm not in the sessions. When we meet together anything I say is seen as twisting to get what I want and I suppose to some end that is true, I want to say and do the right thing to get him back and right now he is not sure that is what he wants.

She has worked with us on restoring the trust and I thought we had done that but it turns out he was just playing along because he didn't want to hurt me. He only said something now because I failed in the time category and he feels there is no hope.

Right now my husband is not sure he wants to restore the love. The MC is very honest that she is not sure he will ever WANT to restore the love. One of the things my husband needs is to feel like he is not lieing and hiding things from those he loves. I get that. I honestly think that the MC is doing what she can for us right now.

In order to recover, one must focus on the PRESENT, not the past. The solution is in the PRESENT. You had the affair because you had bad boundaries and possibly unmet needs in the marriage.

HTM, most good counselors do not counsel couples together. The Harleys don't. Doing so just creates more resentment in an already bad marriage and the couples leave more angrier than when they came.

Coping with Infidelity: Part 4
Overcoming Resentment


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

No. I DO commend your willingness.

You are trying to face the fact that whatever HE decides is up to him and that he has the RIGHT to do it. That takes courage on your part.

You are getting such good advice here.

The only other question I would have for you is if you and your H are actively following the MB principles? Have you read the books? Is your MC open to this? When my H and I were in MC, we really did not get very far because she was a traditional MC and it seemed as if we always left mad at each other. She was a kind woman, but we could only go so far with her.

My H is still not totally on board with MB, but does understand the logic of the Love Bank, etc.

I am particularly thinking of the couple from Surviving An Affair. Neither spouse was overwhelmingly in love with the other at the end of the WW's affair, but they focused on getting rid of LBs, filling ENs and understanding the Love Bank. Makes me think of your H.

Personally, I think it is completely up to your H as to WHO he tells and IF he wants YOU to do the telling or not.

It is not possible to exaggerate the difficulty of recovery.

Blessings,
WH2LE