You're doing great.

Typical wayward behavior. Been one, done that. Don't beat yourself up. This will get easier.

OK, so the call didn't go so well. It's over with. So let's get focused back on to Plan A.

Plan A can be tough, especially when the start that fog babble. Hang in there and put on your armor.

Remember, I warned you that the alien would probably be back. EXPECT it, then it won't rattle you so much.

You are doing fine.

Will he be at your daughter's banquet? And will he be without OW? If you suspect OW will be there, I would make it clear to him that she is not welcome at your children's events.

Otherwise, it's back to Plan A. Think ahead and have some ways to Plan A that evening. Maybe invite him over for dessert afterward... or to tuck the kids in bed.

Vent here. Fall apart here.

But DO NOT let him see you cry again. You can cry with us. We've all been there and know your pain.






YOU are NOT the cause of this affair.

Your WS made every choice along the way to get where he is.

Your WS had an affair because he didn't have the appropriate boundaries in place to protect your marriage. And he allowed selfishness and entitlement to become his way of thinking.



Is there a local teen from church or somewhere that you could hire to come once a week and give you a break? I know that it will cost you, but it might be one of those things that's worth it. You could go grocery shopping alone and run other errands.

GF is right!

We all feel as if we did something wrong to make our spouses cheat and maybe if we weighed less, or worked out more, or wore more makeup, etc..etc..he/she would never have cheated but it is NOT YOU! Your spouse made the conscious decision for whatever reason be it alien influence or something else, to commit adultery and you weren't even a consideration at the time. It was your spouse's choice to do this on his own.

How can I answer so adamantly, you ask???
I have lost 40 pounds since Dec. and now weigh 125, I cut my hip length hair to shoulder length and had it permed, I bought all new lacy lingerie, I stopped doing my hobbies and cut way back at work so H could have more of my time. I did all this and H still says he's confused over who he wants to be with. Me or OW??
I like the changes but he never even noticed. It proved to me that no matter what I might have done it would not make a single difference. I am not to blame and neither are you so hold your head high and when you walk by the mirror smile and think to yourself: "I am one h$ll of a great person and I know it!!"

Thank you so much Going_Forward!!! I so needed to hear that. Sometimes in the midst of all this chaos and hurt it is hard to stay grounded and focused on who I am in God and you are right he did make me, and I am proud of that. I just get lost in the verbal vomit and spew at times that my WH speaks. I realize that to make himself feel better that he must bring me down to the pits, it is the only way to elevate himself!
I have always been the stable, steady, self-sacrificing spouse and not that those things are bad, but I have always been slightly co-dependent, because he was the more dominant, and in doing so I have allowed myself to slip into bad habits of self trashing and low self worth.

So, thank you for the reminder I may need it again soon! WH is coming over tomorrow for another visit!!!

How did this new visit come about, Kib?

Say

My daughter initiated it and he also asked when he could visit us again.

Hearts_ache
Thank you for your sharing you are similar only smaller than me.

I weighed 205 at Christmas time and am currently at 155 gone from an 18/20 to a 10. I too changed my hair and my activities, but in my case I increased the activities that I participated in alone, because my WH thought I was too clingy and needy, which in retrospect I kinda was. Although there were reasons, duh, he was never home and when he was I wanted to be with him!!! But, I have realized that I need to fulfill myself too and not look to him for all of it as a family, but self fulfillment is good too, but now that we are alone and I am with the kids 24/7 and no car yet, it is difficult to get my self needs met, so I do it at night when they are in bed, or at least I try.
I too like the changes that I have made in me, but I am so lonely, he was my best friend and companion for so long that I feel like someone is trying to rip apart a tapestry. I know in my heart that I am a wonderful wife, mother and friend, but when I get in my humanness, I begin to see the negatives too and they begin to swallow me. I go to God, but I must be either taking it back or harboring a piece of it, because I don't yet feel the peace that passeth all understanding. I just am so darn lonely for adult companionship and empty from not getting my ENS met in so long!

The peace will come in the Lord's time. It is not our time. I know that I felt abandoned because everything took so long.

Take good care of yourself, and do whatever you can to raise your self-esteem. I got busy cleaning and organizing, started a garden, painted, exercise, and did things to feel better.

Chances are excellent that he will be back.

Thanks Believer
What do I do on the days like today that seem to drag on mercilessly and I have no where to go and I just can't seem to push on and find joy?

klb - here's a copy from an old posting that might be helpful to your current question. See what you think.


The Silent Years
=================

There are times when God will speak to you and then be silent for an extended period of time. Silence does not mean you have been forsaken by God. It simply means that God has spoken, and now is the time to allow the word that He spoke to germinate and come to pass.

Silence is not the same as peace. Silence is the absence of noise, but peace is the presence of God! While you are going through "silent years," you should focus on inner peace.

Inner peace produces outward confidence in the face of negative circumstances so that we can go forward in the assurance that even though tribulation is coming against us, we are more
than conquerors over it!

The Greek word for peace actually describes a spiritual equilibrium no matter whatever may seek to upset us. The biblical meaning of peace never denotes the absence of trouble.
Peace is not the absence of negatives but the presence of positives. God's peace is inward and spiritual and never predicated by contrary circumstances or negative events.

Poverty, sickness, death nor debt can override internal peace!

Silent years should indicate a time of reflection, introspection and listening. The quieter we become, the more we hear.
However, we cannot rush the silent years.

Silent years are times of transition. Transition is always uncomfortable and appears to last forever. We must ENDURE the silent years! Whenever you see the word endure, it means that
there is no short cut through it. It must be endured.
You cannot circumvent what must be endured.

We are told to ENDURE unto the end. (Matt. 24:13)
We are told to ENDURE persecution and tribulation. (II Th. 1:4-10)
We are told to ENDURE hardness. (II Tim. 2:1-3)
We are told to ENDURE affliction. (II Tim. 4:5)
We are told to ENDURE chastening. (Heb. 12:7)

The key to being able to ENDURE is to see the END (ENDure).

Now, here are some things for you to question during the silent years:

Is my life really submitted to God?
Am I submitted at home, work, church and to the government?
Have I learned my lesson?
What is God trying to teach me?
Am I humble enough to be teachable?
Has the fruit of patience been sufficiently developed in me?
Do I still have an appetite for the world in me?
Did I properly respond to the last thing God told me to do?
Have I attained a deeper faith?
Is my attitude right toward God and others?
Am I harboring unforgiveness?
What am I becoming?
Have I sufficiently developed and matured as a person?
Have I taken the time to minister to the Lord? (Acts 13:2)

During your silent years you should:

1. Practice and develop your gifts. Study.
2. Clarify. Define goals. Reorder priorities.
3. Serve (even while you are hurting).
4. Trust God.
5. Pray

Your silent years should change your life! You should come out as a new person! When you come out, you should have a new level of:

1. Knowledge
2. Responsibility
3. Authority/Power
4. Faith
5. Trust

Remember, problems never come to last, they only come to pass!

by Dr. Dale C. Bronner

I actually just got done reading this as your thread posted. I loved it, and I am trying to work on the questions I copied it to a word document.
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I just cannot seem to shake the blues today it is dark and dreary and supposed to rain and the kids are feeling blah today too, Visit with WH was good, but I think we are all emotionally drained and we are seeing him again tomorrow. I am looking forward to it to try again to let him see good in me, but I just get so tired afterwards, he lingers longer each time, and I get drained from trying so hard. I hope that it gets easier! His self esteem is so low and it is hard to see the man I love so much hurting so badly from something that seems so easily fixed (I mean the going and dealing with God portion), but I know that from his side that is the hardest thing he has to do.

Nice post, ForeverHers..............

klb - STOP THAT! Stop making excuses for him or trying to shield him from the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

God CRUSHES "flawed pots" to remove the flaws PERMANENTLY from the clay, AND THEN God refashions a NEW pot that will be worthy of His service.

Yes, I know it causes you pain because you still love your husband and you are probably a very nice woman too who doesn't like to see anyone hurting. But did you ever take you children for SHOTS?!? It HURT them, but it WAS for their greater good in the long run. The PAIN is temporary. It WILL get better, but until your husband repents (and he has not done that yet) God WILL continue to "turn up the volume."

You need to "get out of God's way" and understand that the PURPOSE of correction is NOT solely "punishment for wrong-doing," it is intended to result in changed behavior and a reestablishment of relationship.




klb, this is precisely WHY you need to keep posting here. It IS draining emotionally. I want you to open your Bible every time you feel you are almost running on "empty" and read and meditate quietly on Philippians 4:13. KNOW that God KNOWS your limitations as well as your limited human strength and that you are NOT "in this alone," nor are your limited because you have access to God "Unlimited, Omnipotent" power. God provides the MEANS to DO what He has commanded us to do. He does NOT abandon us to our only our own resources.

You are DOING GREAT! Keep the focus on ending the affair. That's all you need to be thinking about now with respect to your husband. Spend the rest of your time and energy on yourself and your children.

By the way, get yourself a pretty new outfit, get a babysitter, and go out with some friends for just a "fun night." Be the fun you that you were when you were in high school and didn't have all the "adult" problems.

God bless.

Never thought of it like that... I always thought of myself as helping God, never thought that I could be in his way, HMMM something to seriously ponder.

Biggest issue here is that I need to find some friends to go out with! I know that sounds pathetic, but I haven't had the ability because of WH selfishness and unwillingness to watch the kids or let me use the car in 3 years that most of my friends are busy with their families and don't go out with just the girls either, so I am trying to find a place to meet or reaquaint myself with some single or just a group of ladies to go out with. I totally agree with this and am working on this area, but currently have no outlet other than church activities that I can get a ride to.

Just curious by this you mean staying focused on Plan A'ing him when he is around/contact with him? Or with regards to prayer too?

One other question for every and anyone....
Should I be letting him touch me ie. hug me and hold my hand that sort of thing while we are in Plan A? I am confused by this. When WH was over on Thursday night he kept hugging me and holding my hand, so I wanted to know how to handle this as I will be seeing him again tomorrow.

You should be smelling good, looking good, and touching him.

Most of us suggest not to have SF until the WS is tested for STD's.

I truly agree with the SF not happening till testing. I have been told that she has GenH? Don't know for fact don't really want to know now, but thank you for the advice, my love language is Phys Touch, so for me it meets an ENS also, so I am not quite so empty to continue to give to him. Now all I need to do is figure out his ENS and what my LB's are. I think that I know some of what they were, but he has changed so much, so how will I know? I am going to guess based on the fact that he has been buying her a lot of gifts that he likes to receive things, and all along I thought it was acts of service and words of affirmation. So, is there an good way to figure out what he really needs/wants?

Someone PLEASE help me focus and get it together, my WH is coming to our D's brownie award dinner at 4pm and I am a mess!!! I look nice, but emotionally am so burnt out. I had a wonderful morning at church, but then due to the rain here I had to go and take my WH's truck to OW's house so that he can get to dinner tonight. Was emotionally draining and I need to reenergize and refocus to be Plan A woman at dinner tonight. I don't know how to do light and chatty! I feel like I am deep and thoughtful due to all of this, but want to feel like the teenager he fell in love with all those years ago, but I can't find her in all this pain and chaos, so Please tell me some things that are light and chatty that we can talk about tonight. My parents will also be there and they are in full hate mode, but trying for D to be civil to him. They don't understand why I would even consider taking him back and I am having a hard time remembering the good things to praise him for. I think I am going to take a nap with the baby and then make a list of all his praiseworthy qualities and try to think of some good memories/times to talk about and I will come back to see if any other suggestions came. I know that none of you know us personally, but I really need to find level ground, so many and so much around me is focusing on the negative and the move on without and get better philosophy, but I don't think that is what God wants of me, so I will check back after my nap!

Men usually have a need for admiration, so if you can possibly find something to admire about him, do that.

Also be sure the home is warm and welcoming.

And don't expect anything from him. As long as he is addicted to the OW, he won't be much use.

If you can figure out something that you need help with, ask him, and then thank him.

I won't even ask why you were taking his truck to the OW's home................

klb, chew on this one for a while and see what you think about whether or not the "dress size" is right for you or not:


Why? Because YOU meant your VOWS. Period. End of discussion. Opinions have been stated, now it's YOUR marriage and YOUR decision. Don't allow others to abuse you by forcing their opinions on you.


Consider this too, because of the faithfulness of God.


Huh? What faithfulness?

We see, and show, the faithfulness of God most clearly when it is in response to the unfaithfulness of man.

You CAN, because God already did it for you. And it hurt Him too, but He did it anyway.


Last thought, you don't want "problems" at the Brownie dinner, and we all understand that. You want to protect your daughter from possible embarassment, and we all understand that. You don't want "dirty laundry" aired in public, and we understand that. Do what you can, that's all you can do and all that can be expected of you right now.

But don't forget, he is STILL unrepentant and still in an affair, and the "problems" are of HIS making. Don't shield him where it is not warranted, but don't use what is for your daughter (the dinner) as a "pawn" between adults.

Philippians 4:13, klb. Romans 8:28-29, klb. Rest in the Lord, be the Lord's daughter tonight, klb.

God bless.