What you are doing is more of the Dobson Tough Love plan. Dobson says it works, so who knows?

The problem may become that you end up divorced before the marriage has a chance to recover.

I'm not sure that Browneyes REALLY wants to recover her marriage..

Browneyes...You have a couple of real good women posting to you pay attention...

You need to figure this out right now....

Are you going to fight for your man... or are you going to roll over and die?


If you want to save your marriage then you need to pull yourself together and fight for it....


This woman would love to bully you right out of the picture ... don't do it...

Educate yourself here.... listen to these women...

There's lots of "I" and "ME" in this post...

"I" respect your perspective, Brownie.

You have every right not to want to reconcile with your WH..but in order to do PLAN A, according to the MB perspective, it takes a much different mindset than this...

It requires you MAKING it CRYSTAL CLEAR to your WH that... without a doubt.. YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE...

Brown,

Please understand that to save your marriage the power lies not in what the fogged-out WH believes...it stays in what YOU believe.

Choose to believe you are NOT dealing with your real H. Like aliens have come and switched him out on you...just looks a heckuva lot like the man you knew and loved. Real H can come back. This is not real H.

Your WH convinced himself you didn't love him...didn't care. See, that's what it takes to do this to your partner, your wife, the one you vowed to.

Which means you have no power to convince him you do. You have to KNOW you do and act from it. Those acts of love from you knowing and owning your own beliefs will give you loving feelings as a result...help to buoy you through this time when your WH has lost his mind to fantasy.

He has not lost his heart. Believe this. He is hooked on the infatuation of a clean slate, someone who doesn't really know him (all the parts he doesn't like that you know and accept)...the resulting great feelings...which are false. He doesn't love OW...she's not real. You are.

Do not attempt to persuade, educate or convince. Focus on your own choices..."I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Doesn't depend even one second on his choices. Yours are solely yours.

Find out what you can do to undo what you did...maybe there is something in your laws that says your complaint isn't valid if filed under duress...and we all know what immense stress you are under. You're fighting a war for your marriage.

Plan A is about bringing reality...so you really got to know it to bring it. You can state, "I know you love me. I know we stopped communicating in ways we both could understand. Doesn't change that I know you love me. Doesn't change you know I love you."

Exposure is an act of bringing reality...same as doing all the great suggestions here (and I think your card was a wonderful action)...

Study and learn all about Love Busters (LBs) and see what you have done and are continuing to do...you've got to eliminate those...they aren't who you really are, anyway.

Study closely Disrespectful Judgments...I read assumptions in your post and they are adding a great deal to your pain right now...they are hurting YOU. They also hurt all of our relationships.

Stop focusing on HIS feelings...or yours. Feelings come as a result of action...his tears are about his guilt, his addiction...his stuff. Leave them over there. Do not assume you know where they pour from.

Know your own...if you believe you could have stopped him from his A by some action...check that belief. If you believe that you can make him do or feel anything...check that belief. Reality is you can speak your truth, act from your own beliefs and let go the outcome. You didn't control it, anyway.

Listen to these awesome posters--affairs don't last. They aren't real. Don't listen to love songs that say you guys lost your love...you stopped getting loving feelings from not acting from your love...not the other way around.

Live forwards, not backwards. Takes a warrior to fight...to honor their marriage. You're that warrior. You've got it in you. Because YOU made vows to yourself on your wedding day. You continue to live from them. Do not base your choice of actions on HIS possible resopnse. That's part of what got you to this place...that's what I believe from my own experience.

Listen to brave Queenie...your outcome may be different...your results couldn't be finer than to know you studied and learned all about marriage, yourself, and did everything possible. Like her. She rocks.

You're not alone...ask yourself a question another poster here did...What would you do if you weren't afraid?

LA

I really do want him back. I can take the papers back at any point. Right now they are only with the lawyer, they haven't been filed in court.
I can't stop crying today.

I really miss him, i am hitting rock bottom again. He keeps on saying he loves me then why is he not coming back.
I was thinking of writing him emails on a daily basis, like we used to do in the olden days.

The anti-D's should help you, but not right away.

Try to stay busy doing things that raise your self-esteem, which is probably in the toilet.

Friendly, chatty emails are a good plan. Just be sure to leave out any relationship talk.

We understand the tears...they can seem to be unstoppable.

They do stop.

Sit quietly and practice breathing...it's time for you to make a plan.

Read the threads in GQII...go back to their beginnings...see where you are not alone, what others felt, thought and then did...when they made their plan.

You can search by poster...Mimi_here has a great story.

When you have a plan, then you act. Don't haphardly try this and then that...spinning around...like flailing. Because that hurts you more...and you don't want to hurt more, 'k?

Delighted to know it hasn't been filed. Listen to Pep and do not do that which you don't believe in. If you do not want to divorce, don't file.

Plan A isn't about manipulating your spouse back...no one recovers believing they had the power to do that. Set your course based on your goal...step by step, 'k?

LA

I'm so glad you are sharing with her LA. I love reading what you are posting...

It's calming, helpful and amazing.

I'm only saying what you're saying, Queenie...you've walked this road...you exampled love...bravery for love...and I know your tears, too, seemed as if they wouldn't end.

Look at you...your fervency through honesty in your posts shine with your compassion and concern.

We know, we remember...and we know what we wished we hadn't done as much as what we did that helped us. Clarity has to come first...of plan, commitment...choices will follow.

We're in it together...

LA

I am so confused. Weekends are tough, keep on replaying what he was saying y'day, loving me, and that god must b laughing at him that he has me n that is all he ever wanted in his life n yet he was giving me up. Why is he torturing both of us?
What is so special about her?

Hi LA,

YES WE ARE....

And that's is absolutely the most amazing part.

Brown, Last week I declared there were NO MORE weekends for QUEENIE. I absolutely hate them especially when it's raining and I have NOTHING to do.

I feel your pain, I KNOW how AWFUL this is. I DO.

G-d isn't laughing at you honey, he is looking for you to seek him. It was ONE YEAR ago this weekend that my husband decided to walk away and not come home. Get this, he wanted something more than to be married to his best friend. That something more is a twice divorced crack addict with hepatits C. It nearly destroyed me.

There is nothing special about her, SHE DOESN'T MATTER.

Have you read my thread.. Read how Mimi patiently reminded me each time this wasn't about HER. It was about your WH being an ADDICT and his only CONCERN was his next fix. Have you gotten that piece.

He WANTS THE FEELING that she GIVES HIM...

Oh Queenie you r so strong. I wish I had half the strength you did. Re: God laughing at me, that wasn't what i meant, i was quoting he said last night, "god must b laughing at me, i have what i always wanted (ie me) n i am now throwing it away"
I want to scream, i almost feel like driving to our place n chucking her things out of the house, women like those r so selfish. How do women do this to each other?

She is sad and pathetic, and her self-esteem is so low, she has to pick her affair partner from the married pool. Don't give her a second thought.

Read the Goddess thread, and start working on YOU.

The affair will end, and he will be back.

It's so hard, I would never even dream of wat she is doing. She is the total opposite to me n he finds her to b wonderful.
Surely, karma must come into play some day!

Karma comes into play all of the time. I read on the OW board, and they get dumped almost every time.

My ex was madly in love with the OW and ruined our marriage. They were soulmates, blah, blah, blah. Now she is back with her husband and they are very happy.

The infatuation will wear off. You need to take good care of yourself and just wait. Please don't have any interaction with her.

Strength I HAVE.... AND YOU DO..

Listen to B, read my thread because there is so much help from Mimi and so many others on here who walked me through and taught me the mindset on how to get my M back.

You'll see, I wasn't that strong, I just knew that I was willing to do whatever it took to look at myself, my behavior, own my part of the M and change so that I was creating a new life for H when he comes home.

It's not my timing, that's for sure and I still don't know the outcome, but I do know I love him and want my M restored.

If you feel like you want to start doing PLAN A, let him know ASAP that you have changed your mind about this...that you will be taking the papers back...let him know that you WANT TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE...say this with confidence and a sense of STRENGTH..without crying or begging...

(I LISTENED...SO THERE YOU GO...)