Now this is a legit complaint...but one that requires communication and caring to get through. I doubt he is seeing much of either from you right now.

Well, my H cheated on his first wife many times, he used pornography while married to her, he left her for a much younger woman. True, it was her not me, and I did NOT know about that when I married him, it came out AFTER, but it lingers in my mind.

I can be too analytical sometimes, too obsessive and impatient.

Some of that is my OWN, allot of it is from my H's actions, neglect, anger and indifference.

There is a difference between making love to your partner and f**king your partner.

If your partner is only capable of f**cking, and never makes love to you (both inside and outside of the bedroom)...then it's quite normal to feel used and objectified.

I completely understand how you feel april. In order to address these feelings, both partners need to be willing to introspect and do the hard work.

I wish you peace and healing april.

Kayla and POJAMan - your courage is inspiring.

Well obviously you're not getting me.

It IS a bad thing when ALL he does is look at himself, and never into my face, eyes, or says he loves me, does anything for ME to achieve orgasm!

The whole thing seems to be just for HIM, not me. I feel I could be ANY woman, it wouldn't matter. I can only tell you so much, you really have to experience it to understand.

There is no intimacy, disconnection, raw sex and no love. As stated, I don't mind that sometimes, there are times that's fine and enjoyed, but not each and EVERY time.

Agree 100%


Agree again.




Agree again

I have tried over and over to communicate with love and care, that I feel objectified and unconnected to him, when this is what takes place. He gets angry and just tells me that there's nothing wrong with what he does, how he does it and if I just 'got into it', there would be no problems. Uhmmmmmmmm ... what?

I'm a very sexual person, and have no problem with quickies here and there, and raw sex if it's agreed together, but if I never see or feel 'love' and 'intimacy' from my husband, how can I continue to love him?

This is just one reason I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally.

I sadly think, the reason I continue to allow sex, is to get the only contact (touch) that I can from him.

He doesn't hug me, kiss me, or say he loves me, on his own, EVER.

But I will say, for the first time in 10 years, I'm truly beginning to feel myself withdraw, REALLY withdraw. It's my spirit that has been so long-suffering, finally dying, and something has to give.

april,

I haven't posted because I have been through a tornado.

So, I have a legitmate excuse for not paying attention to other people the last few days. I had my own ENs to meet!


My previous posts stand as my advice to you.


The reason nothing will work for you is because you believe nothing will work for you. So you don't WORK for it.

Plus, you are depressed, and your depression keeps you believing it, and not working.

It is a vicious cycle.


I KNOW THIS CYCLE.


Move your body. Move it move it move it.

Even when your mind tells you that you are exhausted. Because your mind is LYING TO YOU. That is part of the depression.

Break it. At some point, the chemicals can be changed. Yes, I DO know about depression. You can either change the chemicals with medication, which allows you to get up and start living differently, which begins a cycle of chemical change in your brain and then slowly you can wean from the meds,

OR

You can get up and start doing things in spite of the chemicals in your brain telling you that you are exhausted and you cannot possibly do anything. By doing things, a chemical action begins to take place and the system actually begins to change because you ARE doing things...works in the same type of cycle, just starts in a different place.


Research proves it. And it does not matter if it "runs in the family" or not. The chemical changes can occur with medicine or without - but can be facilitated by altering the activity of the body. Doesn't matter what the catalyst is.


My final points to you are to go back and read this thread. You have been given some very fine advice that you have ignored. You pass it over because you seem to want people to "Understand Your Pain" and the focus is there for you, and not truly on solving the problems. Reread it so you can find the solutions they offer - read the posts you DON'T like, read them closely, because many of them had great advice but you chose to argue and defend instead of reflect and learn.

I don't think you fully understand yet that you only control yourself in this marriage, and that if you want change, you are the person to change. You will NEVER change your husband unless you change yourself.

I am not convinced your husband is a sexual addict. This is really going overboard, and a little hyped based on what you have offered. You've stated you caught him, what, twice? That isn't an addiction. You have presented evidence of his being more than an insensitive clod as a lover, to say the least. He definitely could use some work in that department - and this is actually an area YOU can control by changing your own behavior.

I do think you need to work on insight into yourself. And on letting go of the little things. I think you see the trees, and don't even know there is a forest sometimes.


One more thing. The sore? It very well could be the same virus that causes oral cold sores, but was transferred below the waist. It happens often enough. Not VD.



I am pretty busy, given the tornado. I hope you get some therapy, and I hope you figure this out.

SB

Exactly.


SB, I hope things improve there. Be safe.

April,

When I was going thru labor - I was worn out long before the contractions started. Life was not giving me the break Kasey and I had planned on. Due to a bad hire, I wasn't able to go on maternity leave; instead I worked through the first day and one half of regular contractions - went to the hospital for a stress test, and he gave me a sleeping pill, because hadn't started to dilate yet. I slept 3 hours when the contractions woke me up. I called the hospital to figure out what to do. The doctor and I were both concerned that I would be too worn out to go through labor when it was finally time.

I can tell you this: whether it's labor or depression. When you've had enough and you're worn out, you still have to force your will to do what you have to do to get through it.

It starts by taking one breath - focused, at a time.

Go to an insta-care or medical center and get some help for the exhaustion. Start with continuing the short walks - increase the length by a block or five minutes at a time.

I had to fight my way through labor and delivery on Friday (contractions started on Wednesday) and went back to work on Monday. I took my baby with me on the job, but two months later my body forced me to stop - for six months, one medical complication after another.

If you don't self-care, your body will force the issue. Your relationship with your husband needs to go on the back burner while you take one step at a time. A short period where you work the 180 suggested earlier would allow you some space from your husband. While you crave what little attention he dishes out, it's poison to you. Wean yourself off the poison and regain your strength. Then you can consider whether you even want to rebuild. If you do, you will then have the strength to meet his emotional needs and build on a strong Plan A. That time is not now.

If you are not willing to take even the smallest steps to self-care, then all you are doing is venting, which will not satisfy, provide you respite, or heal the pain in your life.

as if he's really exhausted all options?

What DID this guy do to win your love aprilshowers? Was there ever a time he was loving and caring?

how ironic. perspective is everything isn't it? so...

Tell me something. What makes something "little" or "big"? Is it because someone else says it is?

When someone throws a pebble in a pond, the fish that is peacefully lingering just beneath the surface jumps for it's life BECAUSE it doesn't know if it's a pebble or a boulder. For it's own survival it's learned to react to stimulus and it will jump to safety equally if it's a small rock or a larger rock. Shall we just tell the fish, Hey this is a "little" thing this time, it's ok, you don't have to jump?

The determination of what is little and what is big is not the decision of anyone but the person them self, isn't it? Doesn't the fish make that decision? Not the person that threw the rock.

So I have an idea. Let's validate what other people feel and let THEM decide what is a "little thing" shall we?

And if something is a 'little' thing to us can we accept that it might be a 'big' thing to someone else? Can we let other people have their own reality please? Or is that too much to ask? (right brain) you know damn well it is too much to ask of some people (left brain) yea but I'm willing to give a monkey the benefit of a doubt (right brain) yes precious, at least until they PROVE it's too much for them to grasp (left brain) this playful banter is likely already lost on those that don't know the power of the ring (right brain) sad they are precious, lame indeed. (left brain) just as cold and heartless as we were precious, just like we were.

ya know. I think if you were to ask a lot of people who become inspirational to others they would tell you that they are ordinary people who just did what they had to do in extraordinary circumstances.

if we are inspiring I'm glad and I hope it is enough encouragement for you to take your own steps forward. You deserve to be inspired and to have hope that you can make a difference and you don't just have to roll over (literally) and 'just take it'. You don't!

perhaps, before you go running your mouth off at SB, you should learn a little bit about her skill set.

So, I have an idea skippy, lets validate what SB feels about this situation and let her decide what she wishes to post to this forum. I really don't think posters here are all that concerned with what YOU think they should be communicating to others.

Nothing. I read what is actually written and respond to that. I adapt my message as more information is made available.




You don't know a thing about me...I am about the least sexist man you will ever run into.




Not at all. Look at how my advice differs with the addition of new info...I just do not jump to the conclusions that you seem to.



Wow, I will lose sleep over that.


I doubt very highly that is the case.



Until she said that was ALL he did, there was NO reason to interpret her words this way.


I think you are becoming a bit too enamored with yourself there poja. When I am interested in getting a posting lesson from you, I will be sure to let you know.

Now, go forth and dazzle me with some snappy retort.

I apologize for crosstalking

Thanks for the posting lessons.

hum...I must have missed where SB was posting his feelings here? along with all the other hard work he's doing to meet AS's emotional needs.

if you would be so kind as to show me HIS thread then I'd be happy to go talk to him so he doesn't feel emotionally abandoned either.