Had a long talk with WH tonight. I thought he was hitting rock bottom after all the exposure I have done in the last 48 hours but I came home to a pompus azz, putting it nicely.

This is where I need the brutal honesty.

He claims that he acts out with porn and EA's because I am not meeting his needs. He says that he feels that he does everything around the house and I do nothing and don't make my kids do anything and therefore he gets his justice by being dishonest and unfaithful.

Is it possible that me not meeting his needs caused him to cheat on me? It seems like a basic answer, but I need some perspective.

I had a huge breakthrough tonight when I told him that I have no desire whatsoever to nurture and take care of this home. Each home that we move into, I do all the decorating and set it all up nicely "hoping" there won't be another incident and then slowly, but surely, I find evidence and lose complete desire to maintain the facade. Does that make sense?

He does most of the housework and cooking 90/10. I commute 2 hours each way to a job that financially allows us to have all the "toys" he wants, pays for the house that he cleans, etc. He is out on a WC claim for the last 2 months, but prior to that he worked as well making about 1/2 what I make and working an easy shift, BUT he was able to do it and still come home with energy and do all the things I spoke of.


He resents me for not being able to do the same. I have gained 50 lbs. since we got married and I am pre-diabetic now. Not to mention the depression and the leg aches. What a joke...I'm trying to eat better and exercise to make myself healthier and I discuss this with him on a constant basis of my desire to better and be healthier and to have more energy to work on the house. Again, I just realized my own sabotaging though because of the feeling I have that he has already cheated on me in this house, so why try to make it a home.

Anyway, he is angry with me that I say that I don't want to live this way and that I cannot meed those needs in the way he wants, proven by his continued acting out and affairs. He feels like he has been with me through thick and thin and I should do the same. Hello...6 years counts for nothing.

PERSPECTIVE PLEASE!!!!

OUC:


You both have problems, obviously. You need coaching. You can get some here free and you can get even more by calling the Harleys.

Brutal Honesty:

1. Lose weight. You are too fat. How is he on the same subject?
2. Porn destroys intimacy. Let me say this again. I AM A GUY AND I AM TELLING YOUR GUY THAT DOING PORN IS STUPID. YOU CANNOT HAVE REAL INTIMACY WITH A WOMAN WHILE YOU ARE FANTASIZING OVER STUPID PORN. Was that loud enough?
3. He needs a job. And you need to NOT DWELL ON THE SIMPLE FACT HE MAKES LESS THAN YOU DO. I can put that in bold print if you need it to get it. Find some other way to make yourself feel better about yourself instead of putting him down. You don't build yourself up by tearing someone else down, especially your SO.
4. Commuting two hours each way means less time for the two of you. Get a job closer to where you live or live closer to your job. It is that simple. In other words, get the opportunity to have a life.
5. Read everything Harley says on this site. Burn it into your brain cells. Right now, you are ignorant, which can be cured. Failing to take advantage of the free education here is stupid. Ignorance can be cured but you can't fix stupid.

Was that blunt enough?

Larry

Unmet needs do not JUSTIFY infidelity. Its not an excuse. Its not "you meet my needs or I cheat on you." That is not a commitment to work on a marraige. It sounds like your needs are not met either, yet you are not cheating on him in retaliation.


As far as the practical side of ENs, the solution would be to fill out the EN Survey and determine if there is a way for you both to negotiate and change so things work. Its not a 1 way street.

I suspect he is not cheating out of retaliation for unmet needs either. He is seizing upon an excuse, using the MB plan and terminology against you. Seems like another attempt at manipulation to me.

1. I recently admitted to myself that food is my addiction and I am an emotional eater. I also feel like I keep the weight on as a form of punishment maybe. It sounds crazy, but it happened in my first marriage as well. I was thin before marriage each time. I need to do some soul searching on that one or just get off my butt and make a change for myself and not think that it is connected to him whatsover. He is 90% in shape, very nice body in my opinion.

2. We both agree on the porn. He was exposed to it at the age of 5 and has had a lifelong problem. It is less, but I do not condone it whatsoever and our marriage needs it to be non existent.

3. The resentment you hear in the remark about him making less money is that due to this fact, I have to commute in order to make enough to support his "toys" and spending habits. He is fully capable of finishing his education and making much more than I do now, but he chooses not to. I resent the fact that I'm not able to be at home and feel that if the tables were turned, I would then be the one doing the cleaning and cooking.

4. Goes along with 3.

5. Six years ago when I started down this path, I bought and read every book. I printed everything out from the Harley's. He got the NC letter concept and that was about it. He never really wanted to fully disclose or do the work to recover. That's why I posted recently that I feel I was in the BS fog and was rescuing him from his own accountability and action plan. I'm so proud of myself this week though becaus I am not doing that.

Tyk,
That's what I feel like. How can that truly be an answer. That would mean that I need to walk on eggshells the rest of my life for fear of not measuring up and finding another OW in the picture.

He knows that I will not sacrifice my Christian committment to cheat on him. He would be truly devestated though because he can hardly stand the fact that I spoke with his BF last night about his recent EA.

We have taken the EN tests in another format before. And we took a test that showed that I am a Touch Oriented person and he is a Visual Oriented person. This was recent and so I did take that to heart and felt that I needed to do more around the house and getting the kids to do their chores so that he could "see" progress and feel loved in that way. He, on the other hand said he already knew I was Touch Oriented. Yet, that is the one thing that he withholds from me.

Touch and visual are typical female/male deals. Females like touch and males are visual. BFD.

He needs to get over his snit. From what you say, resentment oozes out of every one of his pores (and your's too).

Have you read anything on how to talk to a male? Read Dr. Laura among others. We ain't complicated. And we ain't subtle.

Here is male talk.

"I don't care if you lay around and play housewife. I would be proud of you if you finished your education and did something with your life outside the home, but that is up to you. Do it for you, to heck with me, or not as you will."

God and mom made him, you are NOT going to change him. But you can change yourself and he will likely follow by trying to get in front, saying "Follow me."

Lose weight. That will scare the pants off him. Trust me on this, I am a guy. If my wife was overweight and she started losing weight and dressing nice, it would freak me out. I would be paranoid to the max.

There are a bunch of folks on here who can help you with changes. I am not one of them. I don't know enough. I will tell you that in my opinion, being a Christian doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat.

Your husband needs to find self respect somewhere other than picking on you.

Larry

Larry

Thank you. I actually have Dr. Laura's book how to properly feed a husband. You are hearing my cynicsm and anger and frustration from having my heart ripped out again. I know that I do so many good things that she mentions too. But I will own up to having resentment. That's why I feel we are at a cross roads right now. This resentment may be the end of us.

I chuckled about the weight comment, I love that, good motivation. Thank you!

One more thing that I may not have made crystal clear. I have 3 children from my previous M that live with us, the older 2 off and on, depending on school, etc.

He resents them and is very jealous of them in general. He hides food that is only "his" and that's hard for me because my step dad did that too when I was growing up and it made me feel unloved.

He wants them to be disciplined the way he was growing up, some of which I don't agree with. I have been very supportive of him as a father figure for them and he has made great changes, but when they don't tow the line, he takes it out emotionally on me.

Be careful that you are NOT reading what you think you are seeing. My wife has thrown that one at me about our oldest, who is not mine biologically. But I am his Dad, with emphasis on Dad. I am not a Mom. Dads are different from Moms, right?

But hiding food? Give me a break. Grownups don't do that. Now it is that I DO buy one treat that is for me. Woe be any kid who sneaks it. But I don't hide it. I also buy treats for all my kids usually at the rate of twice a week. I make blueberry muffins, get them fudge bars, and today I had fun. Went to the dollar store to get a couple of things. My two boys were in the car and I yelled out the door for them to come get a candy bar. They were laughing at me in the store cause I said was gonna "Tell" them to come get a candy bar and they thought it was funny that I was yelling.

I sez that kids don't hear unless you yell. That started a laugh and general agreement. The two boys came running up to the door - running - which started everyone laughing again. And of course everyone laughed again when I asked in a normal tone if one of them would give me a bite and got ignored.

Having read through your other thread and thinking a bit, lemme just say that exposure is a good thing. You should have done that a long time ago. You haven't been practicing what Harley teaches. Trust me, Harly is the man.

By any chance, are you LDS? From our comments on your religious issues, I suspect that divorce is not allowed except for adultery. Is that correct? Did your first husband cheat on you?

I suspect you want him to be a man and lead, right?

Larry

Yes we are LDS. We are free to Divorce, but of course the church supports making marriages work and getting married to stay married. My first husband was an alcoholic and he physically abused me.


I know he loves my children, but when he is having an angry outburst, it feels like resentment of them as well and jealousy that I have a relationship with them.

Yes, exposure was huge for me. For the first 6 years, I didn't post like this about him either. I hardly said a bad word about him and always wanted to help him keep his dignity while he was crushing mine.

Hokay, I am gonna go to bed. Before I do, brief comment.

LDS is male centric, too much so IMHO. But that is LDS "Attitude," and culture, NOT an absolute. I am not at all sure how it gets across to him that he needs to get over himself and be the man. You telling him just builds resentment. But he needs to be told.

I will confess I am a recovering porn addict. When I realized that I was substituting porn for real intimacy, I hauled my hairy fundament to a real good coach, who fixed me up with the right books. Porn addiction is like any other addiction known to man that is harmful. And you get over it the same way through the usual step programs and self loathing.

Larry

Holy Crap! I just found this paragraph below from a 2004 post of mine. Seems we have had the SAME issue for 4 years. Good grief!

His biggest problems with me, according to him over the weekend are that I don't keep a clean house (mind you, I am a neat freak and very anal. When I do clean, it is immaculate, but during this trauma, it's the last thing I have wanted to do, but he doesn't get that.) and that I don't let him discipline my children the way that he would like or that I don't support him in his role as their father. I have given him more support in that role than the mother of his own children, very unfair statement although I will admit that I hesitate to have him be their role model at times and I cringe when he is being hypocritical. My children have no idea that this is happening.

From an old radio show of Dr. Harley's:

Bill: Why do people do things that hurt other people? And the answer is that part of it is we don’t care about other people. We only care about ourselves, and when we are only caring about ourselves and we’re not caring about other people, people should run for cover. And the question is: What is it we can do to make ourselves safe in relationships with other people and that is to create environmental factors – environmental rules, regulations – to live by that consciously and purposely protect other people from our own selfish instincts.

Joyce: What is the percentage – How successful can couples be after infidelity and having a good marriage? … An affair happens in your marriage. What is the likelihood of success that your marriage will become happy again and maybe even better than before the infidelity?

Bill: It’s very low, very low. Most couples that have affairs end their marriage in
divorce. Most of those that remain remain unhappy…

Joyce: I seem to get the impression that her husband is blaming her for not being happy with the infidelity…

Bill: Not being happy with her so he ends up -- he says he’s not happy with her so has an affair

Joyce: Oh, so it’s her fault he’s having an affair…

Bill: And if she’d be a little more cooperative I wouldn’t be having so many affairs… And it’s the same argument people use that are physically abusive. Basically, if my wife would stop irritating me, I wouldn’t be beating her as much. The question is: What can she do to get him to quit having affairs? The answer is: Nothing. There’s nothing she can do. It’s really all in his court. If he has one affair, my argument has always been that that is sufficient to divorce. Now, the question is: Does he want to straighten things out with her? If he does, then the question is: What does he have to do? Well, he has to never see or talk to the lover again. He has to create extraordinary precautions, make sure he doesn’t have that affair rekindled or any other affair and he has to make sure their marriage is restored. When somebody has an affair, it isn’t so much what should the person who is betrayed, what should they do, to get him to stop having an affair.. Yes, indeed, you need to have emotional needs met, but it’s still no excuse for having an affair.

Joyce: And it sounds to me like he is just using his wife as an excuse to justify what he really wants to be doing – and he doesn’t want to be faithful.

Bill: Yeah. And anybody that says, well, the reason that I hit you is because of what you did or what you said, it’s the same kind of a thing. The first step toward overcoming domestic violence is to recognize that there are no excuses for domestic violence…What’s the first step in anger management counseling? And that is to convince the violent spouse that they have no right ever hurting their spouse regardless of what their spouse may have said or done.

Joyce: But how do you convince them of that if they can always justify their outburst of anger?

Bill: This is where counseling is important. Counseling from my perspective is an opportunity to change somebody’s mind, to change somebody’s thoughts, to change somebody’s attitudes, to change them. And a lot of times you got to begin with their attitudes. But that’s not where you end. You can’t end with attitudes, because you have to end with behavior. I’ve known a lot of people that fully believe that they should not be beating their wife, and yet they can’t stop because they haven’t learned to stop doing that…So the first step is to recognize that there is no excuse for an affair. If her husband were to tell me, every time I have an affair, I feel guilty, I feel like I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned against my wife, I’ve sinned against my children, I’m a horrible person to be doing this. Then I would say, “Now, what we have to do is create an environment where you’re not going to have another affair. And it’s going to be very restrictive, at least at first. You’re basically going to be watched 24 hours a day. You’re not going to be able to do and say what you want to say. It’s just like with helping a person overcome addiction to alcohol. You can’t be working in a bar when you are trying to recover from being an alcoholic. This woman’s husband says, “It’s your fault that I’m having an affair.” And I’d say, “What can she do to get him to stop?” And the answer is “Absolutely nothing. There’s nothing she can do. She has to walk away. She has to turn her back and walk away from him. Otherwise, she’s going to continue to be hurt by him the rest of their lives. The same thing is true of men that beat their wives. The same thing is true with men or woman who are verbally abusive. The question is: “How do I get my spouse to stop being abusive? How do I get my spouse to stop hurting me?” The answer is, “There’s nothing you can do. It’s all on the part of the person who is doing the damage.”






My husband broke my arm 12 days after I had a hysterectomy and the week before Christmas -- and why? -- because I was threatening to call the woman who was, in fact, his affair partner. He swore at me so much that one of the first 10 words of our youngest child was "Sh*t".

Did I have an affair? Absolutely not. Was he meeting my needs? Not at all.

The BS fog IS about entertaining the notion that your husband's choice to have an affair has anything at all to do with you.

Cherishing

The reason this thread has resonance for me is that I gained about 40 lbs after we married. I was very, very thin initially, but nevertheless, my husband is visual, and I stopped looking like the woman he married. He told me one time, early on, that I just wasn't as attractive to him anymore and that I'd gotten too "soft." His words hurt, so I cried and cried and blamed him for being so cruel. From that point forward, he told me I was attractive, with or without make up, suggesting that I work out for my own health, but rarely commented on my weight. I wish I had listened.

Unknown to me, OW, his "good friend" at work, lost a lot of weight a few years ago due to some illness. Her H, who used to put her down for her weight, got excited and went out and bought her new clothes, new Victoria Secret undies, dressed her up. She started feeling sexy and attractive. To get OWH attention, she would tell him about how she was flirting with other men at work - including WS. Thinking she was incapable of cheating, OWH told me he didn't really handle that well, didn't take precautions in their marriage, didn't insist she quit. Well, guess what? He was wrong about her capabilities. He kicks himself for putting all that effort into making her look better, and she used it to lure another man. And there I sat at home, believing my WS that he was only attracted to me and that she just wasn't his type.

After my WS left, I couldn't eat or sleep for a while. Now I am almost back to the same weight I was when we got married. I have discovered fashion, make-up and hair styling - one thing he'd would say was that he wished I would try new hairstyles. Anyways, it's been great for my self esteem, in the aftermath of being dumped. No one believes I am the age that I am. I catch the eye of other men again, and when WS comes to drop off/pick up dd, I see a look in his eye that I haven't seen in over a decade. He stumbles over his words.

I believe that one of the ENs is Physical Attractiveness, or something like that. I stopped meeting his need in this area, but now it is, in my estimation, too late. Instead of attracting him to me, in a manner that would make him want to return, my "makeover" only serves to make him act paranoid - as someone mentioned above. He questions me about my whereabouts as though he's not the one having an affair. It doesn't bring him home. It just inspires retaliatory behavior.

Do I think my decline in attractiveness when he was home excuses his affair? No.

I have other friends who also gained weight after they married. They wrinkled. They are still wearing the same fashions they were when we were young, same hairdos. And their husbands honor them and love them and, from all appearances, have no intention of cheating on them. I saw how committed they were to their wives when processing what happened to my marriage with these couples, and the boundaries they had in place out of respect for their wives - such as not having female "friends." Then I realized that my husband's thinking was very different from their own. Then I realized that I had a lemon.

Forgive me for saying so, but I believe you also have a lemon. But perhaps you'd like to make lemonade, just as I wish I still could. If that is case, while your WS is still home, I think I would consider making changes to your appearance, in whatever way you feel capable. But let me tell you that weight loss will not only improve your health, but may make you feel more confident to do the other positive things you need to do to restore your marriage. I have a lot more energy now, and wish I could have had it when WS was around. Instead, he had a couch potato for a wife, while OW would tell him her tales of weekend bike riding and hiking during their glorious, perfect lunches together where they complained about their spouses shortcomings and decided they were a better match.

On an entirely different note, it sounds as though your husband's link to porn and adultery is the Internet. I wonder if others here have tried to just stop paying for the service. It would be inconvenient for your family, but way more inconvenient to have to be divorced.

Larry - one thing you need to know that her husband is going through - if he's unemployed and "active" in the LDS church, he's going to be getting pressure from his bishop to support the family.

Adultery typically is an excommunication offense. The Church leadership also frowns on "male dominance/female subservient" attitudes in their men. There is NO doctrinal license for men to have this attitude. Every single general conference will show that these abusive men can expect to get a strong rebuke from the Church President and several other leaders for not providing for their families and for abusing their wives and children. It's just that they lack the capacity to be like the Apostles at the Last Supper and ask themselves and their leaders, "Is it me?" who will betray?

OnlyUCan - Some things you can do on the domestic support - DELEGATE - and not to him. To your 19 yr old - she can do a thorough house scrubbing once a week and keep up with the dishes. You can also arrange to hire one of the "young women" from your ward to come in once a week, vacuum, mop, put the laundry away, etc.

Commuting 2 hrs each way is tough. I used to do that- two different jobs (I didn't learn the first time and took on another commuter job, through the nasty driver part of I-15 in SL County), and lost two babies with the stress of the job and the commute. Now I commute 30 minutes each way; it's still stressful but not like driving across the full length of two counties was.

See what you can do to arrange telecommuting, or find a different job - or, if you are certain your marriage cannot recover, MOVE.

Your husband has a lot of nerve using Harley's work to verbally abuse you. Sounds like a D&C 121 violator. Instead of allowing new knowledge to enlighten and change him, he uses it to exert unrighteous dominion - you might want to read that section and then let your confidence quietly build - don't point this section of the doctrine out to him, or you will be guilty of doing the same to him that he's doing to you. Let it change YOU. What he's doing is blameshifting. You just caught him, AGAIN. And here he is, instead of repentant and remorseful, he is giving a laundry list of things you need to change. My husband used to do that too - he'd abused me to the point I left. We'd meet in the bishop's office, his intention was to discuss his requirements for reconciliation - I'd listen and the Bishop would listen - and then I'd respond - "I don't need to be married that badly." I wouldn't lay out any conditions for me considering reconciliation because he wasn't ready to hear them yet. I waited until he asked what he needed to do. It took six months to hear those questions. By then, he was already doing many of the things I needed to consider it.

Read Ark's "Be Still" thread. There is a lot of power in not engaging with a wayward. You know you don't need to be married that badly!

You really must check out the Goddess thread and start making some changes for YOU. Like Kayla says, you might not need to be married that badly.

On the other hand, (having raised 6 step kids, and 2 biological kids), it is difficult with a blended family. Very difficult. And men and women parent differently.

Are your children working and in school? Are they respectful to your husband? Do they pitch in around the home?

Cherishing:

Wow!!!

That totally sums it up. I just printed that part of and gave it to WH because these are the answers he is thinking he will get from counselor and Bishop. I told him that here's an answer from Dr. Harley. It was said so well. I'm not sure yet how he's feeling about it, but that's for him to process.

As for me....it proves that I married the same type of man, another abuser. I didn't understand this being the same because it was not about alcohol and physical abuse. And except for the infidelity being emotional abuse, this marriage was not feeled with the emotional abuse of my first either. This is crazy!

I'm letting this soak in for a minute and I'll write later.

Kayla, good advice for onlyU. . .

While you are correct in terms of Church "Official" positions, LDS is STILL male centric in terms of the overall culture. But part of that culture is for the male to support the family as you correctly point out. Husband in this case is derelict in his Church and Family responsibilities. He knows that, hence his attitude of resentment and casting about to find solace in porn and infidelity.

onlyU has acted in ways that enable husband. This is not a good situation. One major problem is the age of husband, who may be too old to change even if he sees the necessity. I don't know him, so I can only speculate and hope for the best for the family's sake.

Now for blunt talk:

It is that the most dreaded words most men will tell you (if they are honest) they never want to hear from their woman is, "I'm so glad I just got married, now I can eat." Portion sizes for a would be 120 lb. female versus a 200 pound male are often same at home and for certain, at restaurants. Overeating is the major cause of overweight, duh. This IS a unisex problem. I think it is likely that many of the men who do not complain about their wife's weight have the same issues.

Conventional wisdom amongst those women who will admit that such exists in female circles, dictates that a slender female can lure a male away from a fat girl a heavy percentage of the time. Male conventional wisdom on this is a mixed bag. There is a minority of men who are actually relieved that their woman has gained weight; makes her less of a target for predatory males.

All of that belies the real problem with onlyU and husband; lack of effective communication and good will.

Larry

One other comment:

Adultery ***IS***abuse. Any man or woman who commits adultery is abusing their mate and their family. In many, many ways, it is the same as beating them. Emotional damage from beating or from adultery marks a person for years. Adulter is and always will be, abuse.

Adultery fails the standard of protecting the family. Adultery devastates the family. Almost all the time, adultery devastates the ones who do it as well. For example, how do you think a woman fells about herself when it turns out that her adulterous partner was just using her for a cheap thrill and conquest (if she was really infatuated)? How do you think a male feels when his wife discovers a woman's panties in his luggage after his "Business" trip to get some strange?

Adultery is a sin before God and humanity. Adultery is the most childish and selfish act any person, male or female, can commit.

Larry

onlyUcan - I am very hesitant to respond to your request for "brutal honesty." I don't know what you mean by that term and I don't want to be "brutal." "Abuse is abuse" as the saying goes. But "frank honesty" I would go with.

oUc, there are two "basic" problems that I "see" here from reading your posts.


1. You both appear to be "me" centric in many things. That is NOT how a marriage works, it IS how individuals are in following their basic sin-nature and how most people are "singleness" oriented.

2. You both seem to use "excuses" for justifying and rationalizing individual behavior that is destructive to the marriage and potentially destructive to "self," and is often again focused on "what's in it for me?" type of thinking.

Should I point out those behaviors or do you already know them and have just been "ignoring" them?

In my humble opinion, you BOTH need counseling, marriage counseling as well as individual counseling for each of your own "bad habits." This is one time when I DO "endorse" some Individual Counseling in addition to Joint Marital Counseling.

Now, all of the preceding things are "excuses" for marital unfaithfulness, of granting each of you the right to behave in ways that lead AWAY from a marriage and AWAY from God.


Given that I am a fundamental Christian and you are LDS, we have fundamental differences in what it means to "be" a Christian, but there are some things that we might be able to agree about that are "universal" regardless of one's religious faith, so why don't we be "frankly honest" about those things for a bit and see what you think about them and whether or not they might "fit" with your situation.

1. Marriage is ordained by GOD, not by any human or church. God "sets the rules," not any church or society. All any church or society can do is "bend the rules" to suit their own purposes if they don't "like" what God has clearly said in His Word.

2. Marriage involves a CHOICE. That choice BEGINS with putting the needs of our spouse ahead of our own needs, because we DO NOT "allow" our "feelings" to control our actions when they are contrary to God's commands and the concept of servanthood toward each other.

Pretty much universally we are all faced with choices to make every day. The "application of free will," if you will. The question is, "what informs our will" that will affect the choices we DO make and WHY we make them?


For you, "losing weight" (as one example) is NOT "easy," but is NECESSARY. If you are borderline diabetic, the person you are hurting by being that much "overweight" is yourself.

Let me stop here for a minute and take a "side trip" because I want you to really "hear" what I am saying about your weight and the physical effects it has on you. I get "sick to my stomach" when I hear people talking about "be happy with how fat you are." They are playing "mind games" and are in denial of very serious deliterious effects of "too much weight" on the entire physical health of the body.

Diabetes, which you mentioned, is SERIOUS business. It is the cause of SO MANY other related health problems. I have spent years working with dialysis centers in my area, and the TWO leading causes of kidney failure and being on dialysis for the rest of your life are High Blood Pressure and Diabetes. Care to guess what LEADS to BOTH causes as the leading contributor of kidney failure? You guessed right, it's being significantly overweight.

Last Thursday I met with a client who has diabetes, but not kidney failure. Diabetes also causes poor circulation that can lead to other problems. In his case, it lead to poor circulation in his legs and he is now a double "above the knee" amputee. That affects both him personally as well as the idea of "physical attractiveness" to what most people think of as a physically attractive spouse, and it would likely affect your husband too.


Then there is your husband and his marital unfaithfulness. I really wouldn't get "all that excited" if he had an occasional Playboy (I still it is wrong, but not "fatal"), but when Porn usage becomes "addictive," it IS a SERIOUS problem, morally, ethically, and emotionally to the MARRIAGE. And it weakens and/or destroys the marital vow of fidelity, of willingly CHOOSING to "forsake ALL others" and keep himself ONLY "unto you." An affair, either EA or PA is just a factor of "opportunity" at that point.

The "bigger problem" here would seem to be "addiction." The addiction needs to be addressed or no recovery effort will succeed.

So what is it that IS the problem here? You mentioned a "beer or two" as being a problem. Once again, it is NOT, (imho) the beer (alcohol) that is the problem, it is the abuse of the substance. Might it better all around to abstain totally? Nothing wrong with that either, but the Bible doesn't condemn drinking per se, it condemns becoming "enslaved" to something (as in being a drunkard). But the beer does indicate a lack of commitment (or at least willing submission) to "outside authority," be it the Church doctrines or God's commands (such as not committing adultery).

Porn is the same way. While it would better to avoid it entirely, it is NOT the same thing as becoming addicted or enslaved to it. In each case, it is the ABUSE of something that leads to bigger and bigger problems.

It would seem that your husband is definitely in need of "accountability" for his time and actions. Your exposure is the first step in that direction, but I think he also needs an "accountability partner," someone (other than you) who can ask him about the porn usage or contact with any OW, to help be a "check" on him while he is at his weakest (attempting to recover).

But let's also be clear about one thing, a choice to engage in either Porn or Adultery IS a CHOICE. It is NOT "caused" by anything you do or don't do. Those "issues" may affect the "marital atmosphere," but they DO NOT justify a willful choice to engage in marital unfaithfulness. So don't "buy into" those attempts to rationalize or justify blatant choices to sin.

Remember, too, that I am not talking about "forgiveness" here. What I am talking about are "consequences" that apply even though the sin itself might be forgiven. DON'T loose sight of the fact that whether it might be loosing weight or breaking free from a porn addiction or an OW, "getting there" will take time, so a commitment from both of you to the "long haul" is essential. The past 6 years no longer count, because there is a CURRENT problem. The "clock" for recovery starts now. Yes, you may both have learned some things over the past 6 years, but we are talking about RECOVERY, not knowledge.

Hang in there. It may well be rough and bumpy at times, but if you both endure and stick with "the program," you will both get the marriage you both wish for.