You are a fine example of a husband and father AW3!

You have to be the strong one for those children.

Keep up the good work!

.... Maybe you should change phone numbers, and have your intermediary inform her that she needs to go through him/her and .... if there is a emergency to call 911 and then the intermediary?

Remove the ability for her to pull your strings.

Thanks for the encouragement. I realize I am now forced to be THE parent here, as stability and security have flown the coupe for the W. I know she loves her children, just not enough to stay here with them.

The "fog" is so clear from the outside and I wish I could just blow it away for her. I'm about out of ways to expose. I AM expecting a call from the head of the Baptist convention in our state tomorrow to discuss the OM's ("chaplain") future as a licensed, ordained minister. He did respond to my email and said he would call me on Wednesday.

There is no doubt that, if I can cut the head off of this snake, my W will realize all that she is giving up. Of course, I know that doesn't mean that R is possible immediately, but it IS the first step! How can any adult, parent be blinded like a teenager by their own selfish lusts? Men are supposed to be the dogs in our society, but I COULD NEVER do the things that she is now doing, boldly and proudly, I might add.

Pray that God will blow away the fog and open both of their eyes...before Plan B descends to Plan D.

When you get that call, remember that they are probably shaking in their boots that you will take this public. You probably have a really strong case to get them to fire him, or worse, to appease you. Just remember the power you have here.

The fog can be so strong that women will leave their families behind as well. I watched my brother go through it a few years back. It's heartbreaking, but the only thing that will get you through this roller coaster ride is a clear plan of action and taking those steps one foot in front of the other each day. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the BS fog and that is not a fun place to be and causes it's own set of issues.

You have been clear, you have been level headed, you have done an amazing job for those kids.

Do not under any circumstances be caught alone with her.

AB3,
You never did say who was your intermidiatry(sp).
I think you alluded to the fact that it might be your FIL? If this is true, I beleive this to be a mistake.

Blood is thicker than mud and your FIL will be tempted to put his own emtional twist on everything the two of you utter. You need someone who is cold enough to ignore venting rants from your WW, but wise enough to tell you what you need to know. this is extremely important to a great Plan B. Your IT needs to be on the same page as you. I doubt if FIL knows anything about MB methods.

You WW's rant about changing sitters is just another atempt to control the sitch and manipulate you into unwise decisions. You would be wise to do such a thing if it saves money and your C will be OK with it. Your WW is writhing about how little control she has over you at this point. First fallout from Plan b. and it's a good one!

The only way that fog disappears, it to let sunlight do it's work. So be the sun!! The rest is in God's hands.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Funny Stuff! I have a band concert tonight with one of the bands I teach at an area Christian school.

W just texted me "Good Luck at your concert."

When I didn't respond, she calls me from a relatives home.

Since this particular relative has been calling me consistently to discuss W's actions, I answered, not expecting to hear her voice.

After maybe 5 words, I just said, "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even have answered if I had known it was you" and hung up. The silence of Plan B is definitely getting to her.

I think that she was cake-eating for so long that she is now in withdrawals from the sugary high of manipulation.

She has accused me of controlling and manipulating her, but, in reality, I am the one who has been controlled and manipulated.

As she sees her power over me vanish (I keep telling myself, Christian doesn't necessarily mean nice), she is starting to squirm in the unfamiliarity of it all.

abandoned

Better to of said: Are you calling me to tell me that you have started NC with the OM?

If WW's answer was any thing but yes then you should of said: "I'm sorry, but I can not talk to you if you are still in contact with OM. Do not call me until then. Then hang up.

You then would of used this accidental contact to give you the opportunity to reinforce your plan B letter. Also to show WW your 180.

Stay calm so you can make the most of your moments.

Great Idea Road. I was just shocked to hear her voice from her family members' number.

I assure you, the next time it happens...and I'm SURE it will, that is EXACTLY what I will say!

aw3, you're doing a GREAT job! You're right, she's been eating cake. She's addicted to the drug of you, the drug of OM, and the drama. You've removed the drug of you and she's going through withdrawal, and she's trying to stir up drama and get a bit of a fix of you.

I like Road's comeback for next time!

The longer (and darker) you go down the Plan B road the CLEARER this will become to you.


I'm so glad you understand that being a Christian doesn't mean you must be pleasing and agreeable to a WW.

You can show her KINDNESS when she asks for your forgiveness one day. Until then, you owe it to yourself and your children to remove yourself from the drama.

and from her manipulations.

You'll need to be prepared for when you'll see her in public. At the kid's games and such. Be ready to walk away...take a phone call...exit.

Also, if she does manage to corner you, do not make eye contact w/ her.

And if she asks you anything pertaining to the children, tell her that you will get back to her about it. And then go through your intermediary...w/ as few words as possible.

Always remember that.

Go darker, ab.

The darker the better.

In all sincerity, I do not mean to be rude, but as a former day care provider, I have to say that OF COURSE the sitter is thinking about her pocketbook.

When I did daycare, it was my means of supporting myself and my children. People often seem to get the idea that daycare providers just do it for the fun and shouldn't worry about getting paid.

When I made a contract with parents, I asked them to give me 2 weeks notice if they were removing a child from my care. Most of my parents were considerate to do this but the ones who did not created serious hardship for me.

Also, I grieved losing a child suddenly. After caring for them for various amounts of time, it was difficult to let them ago. I was attached to them, they were attached to me and the children were all attached to each other. 2 weeks gave us all a chance to adjust to the idea and to say good bye properly. Your 2 year old has already lost daily life with her mother. Although she is only 2, she WILL grieve the loss of another important person in her life so suddenly.

Consider either compensating the Daycare provider for two weeks of lost wages or keeping the 2 year old in the same daycare for 2 more weeks. It is difficult but honorable.

Also, Day Care Providers never seem to be thought of as important in separation and divorce situations. Since they care for children when parents are unable to ,they are amongst THE most important people in the situation.

PUT IN WRITING, and have it witnessed and notarized, exactly what your situation is. Make sure that it is WRITTEN down as to who may or may NOT pick up your children and at what times. Leave NOTHING to chance. Make sure that ANYONE who cares for your children(including relatives) has a copy of this. I can not begin to emphasize how important this is.

In my state, I was required to let a child go with either PARENT, UNLESS by law or court order ONLY, they were not permitted to take the child. This can be very sticky where joint custody is involved. By the same token, even in emergency situations, I could only release a child to a pre-approved person. NO EXCEPTIONS!!!

Taking these extra steps will ensure safety and emotional security for your children.

WH2LE

And by no exceptions , I mean NO EXCEPTIONS!!!! If it meant I had to keep a child overnight until a pre-approved person was available, that's how it was. Day Care is serious business, not just baby-sitting.

WH2LE,

Those are good precautions for AW3.

This daycare provider proved that she is not trustworthy for AW3 by calling WW to "cry" to her about the situation. I can only assume that this was primarily due to thinking of her own situation first. AW3 gave the sitter a 1 week notice. Sure this is difficult monetarily for the sitter, however, it is IMPERATIVE for him to be safe and have those kids safe. If this daycare provider is that close to WW, AW3 and his children will not be safe with her.

IMHO

As a Daycare Provider I also would have called WW UNLESS I had been given written instructions NOT to. I am assuming that aw3 does NOT have sole custody at this point. I do not believe the Daycare Provider did anything wrong by calling WW. SHE is not involved in the separation and she was clearly taken by surprise.

As a Daycare Provider it is IMPORTANT to be neutral for the sake of the children. I made every attempt to be "close" to both parents.

Of course, aw3 should take his children where THEY are safe. it does not sound to me as if this person was UNSAFE. At least aw3 did not give us this information.

Most all of us expect 2 weeks notice or 2 weeks of pay compensation in ANY job. A daycare provider is no different. It's only fair. And it may be MORE than just difficult for her monetarily. I still believe that aw3 should at the very least compensate for 2 weeks. Unless this woman was neglecting his 2 year old there is no reason not to be fair to her.

Please notice that I in no way suggested he keep his 2 year old with this provider. I just think there is a better way to treat her since he is leaving her.

For all we know ,aw3 may be doing this anyway. My real concern was that the provider is not likely "just thinking of her pocketbook."

Please forgive my "passion" for this subject. BTDT. I believe Daycare Providers are amongst the MOST under-appreciated workers in our society. They care for our "most precious" and are largely treated as unskilled laborers. They are grossly underpaid, especially the honest ones who claim their income for IRS purposes and most people will not even acknowledge that it is a REAL job.

Again, I mean NO offense here. I do not want to TJ and I will not speak about this again.

My point was merely that the Daycare provider is probably thinking of more than her pocketbook, deserves to be treated fairly and is caught between a rock and a hard place in these situations because of the marital situation.

WH2LE

Don't let your Christianity define you as a doormat. I'm a devout Catholic and, in the begining, I let my wife walk on me thinking I was doing the "Christian" thing.

You're on the right track here. May God watch over you and your children as (hopefully) your wife comes to her senses.

The only information provided is that aw3 & WW were in the process of adopting the 2 yr old. His WW indicated and gave him oral permission to go forward and adopt her on his own.

Very tricky situation. Obviously the WW gives a rats a$$ on what her choices and this situation will do to the child. He may eventually lose custody of the foster child b/c of her choices.

Who is the Babysitter now or later; notwithstanding, is very low in the pecking order of the current chaos. Exposure is causing great angst in this family at the current moment, so the relationship of WW and the provider have to be taken in consideration.

If I recall, aw3 used the foster child advocate as his representative.

I can only know from the information provided. he may have had good reasons.

"The only information provided is that aw3 & WW were in the process of adopting the 2 yr old."

My point exactly. We have not been given any other information.

We have no way of knowing if the child was "unsafe" with the provider or if aw3 just does not WANT or CAN NOT pay a provider.

Either way, the provider is not just NO ONE in the drama. She may be an unfortunate victim of WW's choices. But she has been caring for one of the most important people in this whole thing, one of the children. Her role is not inconsequential and she should not be shunted aside. aw3 could indeed go after WW to pay for the 2 weeks notice. That sounds like a good idea to me actually.

My apologies. I said I would say no more about this. I will not agin. Sorry to TJ aw3.

WH2LE

Sorry I've been away and couldn't explain the sitter situation.

Here's the deal. The sitter has firmly planted herself directly in the middle of our current drama. It was SHE who assisted WW in finding a place to rent from the parents of another child in her care.

Not that I'm finding fault necessarily in that, she doesn't know (or didn't know then) what WW is really up to.

However, she was expressing concern for me at first, wanting to "talk" about what was happenin, but would then "talk" to WW and exaggerate things that I had said. WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA!

This lady truly does love my child. I am, in reality, doing her a favor by removing this from her. She may have felt that she was mediating between us, but she ended up meddling and spreading gossip.

In all likelihood, my daughter will return to this home next fall once my new sitters return to school (the mom is a teacher w/ a teenage daughter). Of course, I offered to pay her for next week anyway since I knew that she was counting on the money from us.

The new sitters were told, by me (I AM the father) that they could start once their school was out. I didn't realize until they called me last night that they were finishing up this week.

Immediately, I told the current sitter this morning what was to happen. She was fine talking with me about it and seemed to understand. I truly believe my WW may have been EXAGERATING a bit about just how upset she was.

I called her back after getting WW's messages and assured her that I found no fault in her care of my daughter. She agreed that she had gotten too involved with the current mess and could see where I was actually doing her a favor.

Also, WW and I consulted about this decision prior to Plan B and she was in agreement. She just didn't realize, nor did I, that the new sitters were prepared so soon to take over. They will not be free of charge, but they are a little less, and they cared for her last summer. I will not have to worry about WW showing up unannounced at their home and spewing venom to them about me.

This is the most comfortable arrangement for all concerned, and, YES, I did consider the monetary impact on the old sitter in this decision...she will be paid for next week! My ultimate concer, however, is for the well-being of my daughter!

BTW, I did reveal this mess to the 2 year old's Guardian-ad-litem today and she agreed that she would support my adoption of her as a single parent without hesitation!

I have to continue to be PROACTIVE, rather than waiting to just REACT to whatever WW's whims of the day are!

Thank you for clearing that up for all of us aw3. Excellent on your part all the way around.

WH2LE