I am on Cipralex, it's bcos I keep on having anxiety attacks and feel i cannot continue, that there isn't anything else left in my life.
Before the A happened, i wanted us to have kids and i just wanted a normal life. Now all of it has just been snatched in a moment and i don't know how to deal with it.
When he goes cold - i just don't get it. He loved me a lot more than anyone could ask for and yet it all just disappeared

(((Browneyes))))

Good morning....glad you posted that for me.

You are on an AD more commonly known as Lexapro. Its a good one. It has less side effects than a lot of other AD's, which is really good.

Now, When did you start taking it??? This is really important, because it will help me pinpoint some things for you (my mom is a pharmacists Tech. Actually, she teaches it. The only reason she has never become a pharmasist is because she thinks she is too old....so I get lots of know-how about prescriptions....).

Honey, I know ALL about the anxiety attacks. I even basically had one that last for 3 months all the way up until my DD trial was over. It was miserable.

Now, this talk about nothing left in your life???? Honey, that is simply not true. YOU are what is important. You must take hold of this. Even if you end up divorced (which is not our goal right now....), life is way too grand and fun. And if WS doesn't want to be a part of YOUR amazing life you will lead, then that is HIS LOSS....not yours.

I totally understand about the loss of your hopes and dreams. I lost mine too. My WS and I had talk about things and they all went out the door. I was upset and mad because he forgot to tell me that HIS dreams changed.....anyway, just because you lost those (and it is ok to mourn that....just don't DWELL on it...), does NOT mean you can have NEW ones. There is ALWAYS HOPE.....YOU NEVER LOST THAT......

Now, tell me about the support system you have around you? Family? Friends?

I am here to help....and the first and foremost thing you have to do is pick YOURSELF up, dust yourself off, and COMMAND yourself that YOU WILL SURVIVE and then you find that you not only survived, you thrived.....

Hang in there....

Take a shower, put some nice clothes on, do your hair and make-up....do WHATEVER it takes you make YOU feel better.

Not2fun

I started the ADs last week.
Today we met - I wasn't feeling well so he picked me up from a station near home. He took me home, and we sat on the couch and he put him arm around me to comfort me, and stroked my hair.
I told him that this was still home for me, and the only other place that felt like home was the one we were planning to buy but in our hesitation it slipped from our hands. He said we were stupid to hesitate and now he is being stupid in letting me go.
I told him that i have not given up on him and that i still have faith in him. He said that ,'that was good.'
Is there hope? or am I fooling myself?

GREAT!!

You have BEGUN..

PERFECT PLAN A WORK!!

Absolutely, there is HOPE!!

(((Browneyes))))

If you just started the AD's last week, then you need to give them some time to work. It may also take some time for the Dr. to find the right dosage for you...I know its hard but be patient. And make sure you go to your follow-up exam.

Now about today....YES there is HOPE....there is always HOPE....believeyoume....I've been there....there is always hope.

Now lets work on getting you out of your dispair.

Did you withdraw the paper???

BTW....you have the best on here helping you. Mimi has helped and guided me through all of this and continues to do so....follow her lead. Pepper is also great. I've seen her work her magic many times over. They are the VETS they have walked this road before us and came out BETTER, STRONGER, AND MORE LIVELY than ever before. They know...so listen listen listen to them.

Queenie and I are still newbie's in the fact that our M's are not quite recovered, but we work hard everyday for that very thing. Well, acrtually, I just began recovery, so you see there is HOPE.....but she and I will support, cheer and comfort you in any way we can.....

Now, back to you.....how are you feeling today??? I see that you say not very well.....is the sun shining where you are??? If it is, then go take that walk. The fresh air and sun will do well for you, and the excercise will help keep the depression at bay.....then get yourself all GODDESSED up for the day. You may not emotionally feel good, but that is NO EXCUSE for you not to look physically good......

Hang in there....

Not2fun

Thank you Mimi - I need that hope!

I was feeling a bit sick as in nauseous. I have been dressing up, he has promised lunch next week, I am going to go shopping and buy something extra special, some more skirts (never used to wear skirts. Going to take him chinese - he likes chinese and thai.
What else can i do?
I miss him so much right now, i didn't want to let go today.

Browneyes.....

I am not sure how much you have read around here. But there are only 3 rules to Plan A....read, memorize and follow very carefully.....

1. Meet all WS emotional needs

2. Advoid all Love Busters

3. NO EXPECTATIONS.....

That simply means to do numbers one and two without EXPECTING anything in return....no thank you's, no needs of your own to be met, no ANYTHING....it is very hard to do, but can be done....

The reason I brought this up is because he may have promised you lunch today, but that doesn't mean he will follow through. He is a foggy wayward right now....an addict looking for his next fix.....he may think he's going to lunch, he may have had good intentions on this, and he may end up going....all I am saying is not to put too much stock or hope into this promise. I don't want you crushed next week......

This stuff is hard....the hardest work you will ever do.....but the results in the end will be worth it.....

Glad to hear about you taking care of you....because that is the most important thing on here.....

not2fun

My only problem is how do i fulfil his ENs when he is not living with me, how do i show him i love him?

Do you have a list of the ENs? What do you think are his primary needs? For lots of men, it's ADMIRATION..so speak with him about what you have APPRECIATED about him...

well he had said at one stage that he felt worthless bcos i chose my dad's health over him ie when i was spending more time with my dad.
i think i need to make him the central focus. we had also stop being intimate and i am trying to improve my appearance to help the attraction.
His appraisal didn't go well so don't know what to say, also what else can i say/do to make him feel special, to make him feel that he is the centre of my world.

You are so right. It's very hard...you have this cold stranger you've never seen before where once was light and love. And indeed, you still see the ghost of the person that loved you so much...that person does surface once in a while.

With mine, I knew he felt guilty and that's why his drug use and drinking amped up. But the guilt didn't make him stop. Instead, I was demonized and they tried to make me into something I am not. Some incoherent, insane monster, which I never was.

So they could justify what they were doing.

I hope this doesn't happen to you but I just want you to be aware that it could.

Best wishes,

Charlotte

TELL HIM that you REGRET that you did this and that you are SORRY that he felt NEGLECTED. Tell how you now understand that you should have handled this differently.

NONE OF THE ABOVE justifies him having an affair..BUT..you still can talk about YOURSELF as a WIFE and how you want to work on being DIFFERENT in YOUR MARRIAGE.


Talk to him about THIS, too. Make sure that he has opportunity to SEE you DRESS ATTRACTIVELY in ways that he likes...

Why don't YOU invite him for lunch at one of his favorite spots?


Let him know what you have ADMIRED about him...what ATTRACTED you to him...I know it's difficult to ADMIRE a WAYWARD...think in terms of your REAL HUSBAND..not the HUSBAND that he is NOW...

I was in a happy mood today and then i spoke to him and it went downhill and went further downhill when he emailed me. We spoke on the phone and chatted about general things. Then i spoke to him about his appraisal, he is being graded an average when his usual rating is top. I told him that he was great and that the guys at work were wrong in grading him asuch. I told him there were always vacancies at my firm if need be.
So i tried all the positive stuff, in between i naturally just kept on saying that i loved him, bcos i was feeling happy it just kept on coming out, and then he told me to stop saying that every now n then. I told him i don't expect anything in return and i just said it a few times bcos i was happy. i then went quiet n he said it was ok - he can understand y i say it. I then reminded him of a conversation we had a few days ago abt how when we first met n i used to flirt n ask him leading questions abt he felt abt me. He said that it was like lights flashing for a plane and he had no choice but to land there. I said well, the lights are flashing right now, and he said yes i know.
When i checked my emails he had sent the website link to the car his parents had bought. Then i sent him an email talking abt its features, i then mentioned the soccer match that was on last night, and the team that we supported won. He sent me an email back saying he watched it and that OW wasn't happy as she was supporting the opposite team.
Why does he keep on mentioning her and why doesn't he like me saying I love you to him? I feel upset and i know it is a small thing but i do feel upset.

Hey Browneyes,,

First you sound alot better already, keep working on yourself.

The phone call you had with your WS sounded good, don't push him, let him make the first moves. You want to keep thing light and fun, very easy going for right now.

Do not react to anything he says or does (like him bringing up the OW)no matter how upset you get with him remain calm at least until you get off the phone, then you can cry, throw things etc,, but when talking to him breathe, and be still.. like a duck, calm on the surface, paddling like heck underneath.

If he brings up your marriage then talk about it, other wise don't push let the OW do all the pushing.

This is going to be very hard to do, and don't expect results over night it may be awhile for him to come out of the fog.

My prayers are with you.. F-26

Thank you F for your prayers.
This is just so hard. I hate it when he starts talking about her, as if she is someone really wonderful.

It's OK and recommended to let him know that you don't want him to discuss her with you. Say it CALMLY yet ASSERTIVELY. You don't want him to get the impression that you will be HIS FRIEND. Let him know that YOU want the MARRIAGE and want him to come home.

Thanks Mimi - I was thinking of that, i guess i am just really nervous about upsetting him by saying that.

A large part of your ATTRACTIVENESS in PLAN A will be in gaining his respect.

I always say: HEAD UP..CHEST OUT...

No whining, begging and pleading...

STATE YOUR OWN TRUTH..as I say..CALMLY yet ASSERTIVELY...

It may help to PRACTICE what you are going to say to him...

Should I be trying to make him jealous by talking about other male friends? that is wat my friends were suggesting.
Mimi what else can i do to get his attention, i was thinking making food he likes and personally delivering it to his office. I suggested lunch and he keeps on dodging telling me a date.