First the long and short of it
Was married for 10 yrs, some good and some bad. Had 2 lovely children. We had communication problems I had an addiction to porn. I didn't meet hardly any needs and didn't or wouldn't discuss them either. Out of the blue comes the ol' ILUBNILWY.
I left and got an apartment(I know big mistake..was in shock)
She filed and I didn't dispute. I felt she had OM on side but never got confirmation other than just friends(I Know once again that was my confirmation). She moved him in about 5-6 months after Divorce. I tried basically to not talk to her about anything other than the kids...my anger and resentment towards her. Finally got my wish..ie no contact other than basic necessity. I got a g/f and she ended up engaged to this man.
It's been 3 1/2 yrs since divorce. She has been wanting to get together and talk for last 3 months. I finally caved in out of curiosity to she what she had to say and also to get some truths if I could. Well we set a date and had our conversation.
We both said that we still care and love the other. both have had regrets about what has happened. Both are interested in rekindling the old flames...maybe.We ended up making out and SF.
Now what? Any help here as what do I do next?

Some here will tell you that with the D you are now the OM and will criticize the actions taken

IMHO you are not the OM but sex with your Ex now may destroy any chance you have of reconciling. Sex is a very special and privileged act and jumping ahead with intimacy in this possible fledgling romance is putting the horse before the cart.

Get to know her again and find out if each of you still have the capacity for loving each other first. Waiting on sex never hurts any relationship.

BTW get a clean bill of health for both of you.

Best of luck.

Yes i realize that I am now the OM. Really it just happened and didn't happen again the second time we talked. Although we did kiss again a little more. I could tell she hardly remembers the things that happened right before the divorce...I think that is where her fog is. I'm not sure if she actually wants to rekindle as much as I do. I was thinking that this is her closure before she can actually move on with him. she said that she wanted to find out if there was anything left? I know the kids want us to get back together. Really thanks for the reply and if anyone has a similar circumstance and how it worked out the be sure to shout it out here!

Please reread my answer. You are NOT the OM but your appeal to your Ex may be the SAME narcotic high she got when she was cheating on you. That is NOT love.

Ok got it now! Yeah, one of the big issues was what if I never could trust her again. And the main thought I had was... so this is what she was doing to me! I really am not sure if I could do this again being she just cheated on her fiance' of 2 yrs, but something about "my wife" just gets me in my soul somehow. I dunno what the heck I'm even going to do. Maybe reread all the articles here and do some soul searching again. Thanks

So is she engaged and still living with the BF?

I would recommend for you to tell her that you will CONSIDER having a relationship with her again if she has broken up with him and is not seeing him anymore.

Otherwise, you are like the OM.

You are being TREATED like the OM.

She is not being TRUSTWORTHY.

I strongly suggest that you or your XW notify her fiance immediately before their plans to get M'd go any further. He will likely not want to get M'd to someone who cheated on him during engagement.

If you want to recover go for it.

How to go about it:

XWW has to be willing to answer any questions that you may have about her affair.

XWW has to come clean with her BF. Then go NC with him.

Until these things happen you will not recover with her.

Then do a true plan b. No more SF.

Frankly, your ex wife has NO class...and you are seriously lacking in morals to be sleeping with a woman that is engaged to another man.

Be with her and you are resigning yourself to drama. She was a cheater when you were married to her...she is a cheater now.

Have more respect for yourself and move on with your life.

Jeremy, I don't hear any repentance here, just the old "run of the mill 'regrets'."

We all have things we regret, but regret is primarily "self" focused, and I don't see anything different in what you posted.

It would seem that faith in God plays little part here, so repentance of sin doesn't seem to be a part of this "regret."

That leaves "what's in it for me" as the motivating factor, and it's quite apparent that your ex-wife has little, if any, understanding of what LOVE and COMMITMENT and RESPECT and CARING is all about.

Do yourself and your children a favor and don't get caught up in her "Wayward Spouse" games again.

Please understand this, RECOVERY doesn't work from "regret," it works from sincere repentance and positive changes in one's life.
It seems evident that she has very "questionable" Standards. She cheated on you, she is cheating on her fiance, she is not likely to stop cheating to "get whatever she thinks she wants to have."

Don't give into temptation Jeremy.

Does your XW have primary custody of the kids? Has she been living with the OM....unmarried...with the kids (modeling immoral behavior)? I am guessing the answer in yes to both.

Did you even try to get custody of your kids? If not, why not?
Do the kids know that you had SF with their mom?

Most kids want their parents to get back together. If that is going happen I would hope you would do it in as honorable a way as possible.

Sorry I'm confusing some of you! I did not know at the time of SF that she was engaged. I suspected but never got confirmation til recently. I guess I was living in the moment of the past. I definately have had time to cool down so to speak, and think about things with a little more logic. Thanks for the advice so far; I will consider everything written here.
The answer to as why I don't have custody of the kids is that
1. I work 2nd shift and am not home at nights
2. The courts here in KY will not grant to fathers unless can prove mother is unfit....infidelity has no bearing!

Her fiance should still be notified.

Yes, that is the honorable thing to do (unless of course this fiance was the OM...then I wouldn't tell him squat!).

Whaddyatalkinabout?

I'd be taunting cretin, in front of her.

Not me...he wanted to cheat with her...now, he can marry a cheater and get hurt later.
I think telling him is doing him a BIG favor...I would rather see him suffer in the long run when she cheats on him.
Now, if they were married...that would be a different story. But I would let him sink and make that mistake without warning.

Yes he is originally the OM. She divorced me during her EA w/ him, then dated him officially after divorce. 6 months later he moved in w/ her. 1 1/2 yrs later they were engaged. Have been engaged for almost 2 yrs now. Sorry didnt know they were engaged until after the SF. I had tried a pitiful Plan B with her. Only emails about the children..ie sick, doctor, school.
So I am now the OM (ha the irony). No, I will not tell him but will leave that to her to come forth and be truthful.I owe him nothing! I will read more articles and try to get an understanding of what must be done first.

I WOULD tell him the day AFTER she marries him...but NOT before!

Your WW must confess to the BF/OM. WW's confession is needed to kill this affair after all these years.

WW also needs to confess to show her commitment to recovering with you.

If WW can not tell OM then she is showing that she has not learned how to be honest. With OM, you, any one. How can recovery happen without honesty? This is why it is not about getting revenge on the OM by keeping him in the dark about his WF/WW cheating on him.

If you are thinking of recovery without starting here than the chances of having success is poor.

He should still be notified - simply because it's the right thing to do. This is about you and your sense of honour and values, your beliefs, not his.