ABSOLUTELY NOT!! He will use this in his mind to JUSTIFY his affair. He probably would LOVE for you to do that at this point...


I think that's a GREAT IDEA!!

Thank you Mimi. I am bugging everyone so much and I must sound a real wreck. I hate weekends, that's when i miss him most, being alone without him. I wonder does he still love me?

I totally get that one Brown. This gal has outruled weekends for ME, as I head into a 4 day weekend.

I stick close to the board and take naps and keep myself occupied as best as possible.

I KNOW how hard this is, but try NOT to think or worry about WH. The aren't themselves and are icky people right now.

Yes i hv a 3 day weekend ahead of me, but almost 4 as i am at home tomorrow.
The things is if she was more attractive then i wud probably understand but she's not good looking as such and i just don't get it.
Why am i so rubbish to him now?
Is it just a physical relationship or more?

I SOOO EMPATHIZE with you. I have WORN YOUR ACTUAL SHOES. I truly, truly understand!!

A PART of him still loves you...

But it's important NOT to focus on HIM..as hard as that is...

FOCUS ON YOURSELF..what you can do to take care of yourself...

What YOU can DO as part of YOUR PLAN A..

Try to keep as NARROW of a focus as you can...like planning your NEXT STEP..

What are you going to cook for him?

Brown,

Mimi is the BEST in this situation. Listen to every word she says and trust her. She has what we want, a new M with her H.

You are so lucky to have her on board.

Thanks Mimi
We are both vege, so I am toying with a few ideas. Tomorrow I hv to go to the doc n my counselling session n the gym (for my induction - just joined last week).
I am going to go shopping in between, buying some shoes n more new clothes - dress to impress i guess!
I am thinking i shud just keep on praying every time i feel anxious.

She's GREAT at meeting his PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEEDS..PHYSICAL ATTRACTION is just one of the ENs.

Do you have the book SURVIVING AN AFFAIR by Dr. Harley? Reading that is a MUST for you.


As I said, she's meeting HIS NEEDS. NO, it is not JUST a physical relationship.

I'm actually more physically attractive, I think, than the FOW in my situation and my H continued to be sexually attracted to me. The OW primarily met his needs for ADMIRATION and AFFECTION. However, once he fell "in love", he began to consider her ATTRACTIVE. She's ALRIGHT..but she's not ALL THAT...LOL...

Q - everyone is so amazing - i am really blessed.
I pray to god that we all end up being really happy.
How hv u been?

I've ordered the book, should arrive by Saturday.
I guess u r right Mimi, she must b satisfying other ENs
What does FOW mean?

Brown Eyes,

It breaks my heart to read your story. I feel you are torturing yourself, appearing clingy and needy, and subjecting yourself to the abuse of a wayward. All of this is happening with a man who has the audacity to mention the other woman to you.

Yes, don't let him do that. You can very calmly say, "I don't want to hear anything about her. Please don't mention her name to me again."

Done.

But I still feel that you will simply continue to torture yourself unless you make a major change in your behavior.

You need to execute the 180. Here it is:

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue?
No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.

Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.

This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

You're not in plan B, but I can guarantee you he'll notice if you stop doing things. He'll notice if you stop calling.

You have to make him wonder what you're doing. Always look like you're heading out somewhere.

Don't go on dates, but dress up as if you're going on a first date if you know he's going to see you. Then, if he asks, simply say "out".

Don't talk about other guys to make him jealous. He'll see through this. But appear like you're moving on. Appear indifferent to his behavior.

Believe me, the 180 works. It started working for me the very little amount of time I implemented it.

But I think it is more effective when a woman does it than when a man does it.

The 180 is very much in the spirit of Plan A. So don't do the things like you mentioned doing. Stop bringing him coffee at work or making him meals or anything of the sort.

When he comes to your house you can then do those things. Happiness is in the home.

Think of it as treating him as if you barely knew him. You wouldn't come on so strong to a man you just met.

There was a woman on this forum that served as inspiration to BSs everywhere with her story. She allowed her WH to cake eat for a very long time.

He lived with OW but would come to her house and she would cook him meals and have incredible SF with him. All the while he was living with OW.

Well, one day it stopped. She stopped making him meals. She started acting like she had somewhere she needed to be when he wanted to come over. She would dress up to the nines if she was going to be around him in any way and she made him wonder what she was up to.

She didn't go on dates but gave the illusion that she was thinking about dating and was moving on with her life. She showed up one day to drop off her son to him and was dressed for a night out and made sure he could see that her bags were packed and she was heading somewhere.

She went nowhere! She went to a concert with some friends, but he thought she was taking off for the weekend on a date.

He crumbled when she changed her behavior. He started to think he was going to lose her forever and he dumped OW and they recovered.

But she stopped being so available and started to at least give the illusion of moving on.

It breaks my heart to see how badly you want him back. I was there myself. I made my exww her favorite breakfast for mother's day a few months after our D. I delivered it to her house one hour away with cards from the kids and a flower and a bed tray she could eat breakfast in bed in.

It wasn't appreciated.

Please don't continue to make yourself so available.

Dealing with waywards is counter intuitive. Showing indifference (not rudeness, just indifference) sends a clear message that you're moving on and it makes you much more respectable, and hence, attractive!

THAT is the path you need to follow if you want any chance to have him come back.

I am confused - do i make him feel wanted or do i pretend to move on?
I call him but i end the conversations b4 he does.
I don't talk abt the marriage as such.
I don't cry in front of him any longer
But i do tell him that i love him n that i want this to work

The 180 Plan does not fit with the MBers' system.

We are recommending PLAN A for you.

That's why you are confused.

I recommend for you to go to the source. Read SURVIVING AN AFFAIR and we will COACH you.

YOU DO NOT PRETEND THAT YOU ARE MOVING ON...MOVING ON is PLAN B and it is not done in PRETENSE...

In PLAN A, you work on meeting his primary emotional needs and demonstrate your capacity for change.

You let him know that you want your marriage.

I THINK YOU ARE ACTUALLY BEGINNING TO DO GREAT at PLAN A!!

Some of it is..such as being confident..but much of it is not. Bringing him coffee and making him meals IS GREAT!! HE WILL LOVE THIS!! This is meeting the DOMESTIC SUPPORT NEED and is giving him ATTENTION!!

You want him to establish POSITIVE MEMORIES of you in order to yearn for you and miss you when you go into PLAN B.

I feel very low today, I can't stop thinking about him with her this whole weekend. Also, am really scared that i will lose him, and don't know if i am doing the right thing.
I just find it hard to believe that he doesn't love me that way any longer.

Hi Browneyes,

Hon of course your scared everything you thought to be real and true was ripped out from underneath you, BTDT, but you can get thru this.

I agree with Mimi right now don't worry about the 180 list,, although some of it fits for right now, the rest maybe latter on.

The parts that fit are do not be cliny, do not whine or beg, do not seem desperate, do not bring up the marriage or ask when he is ending it with the OW, let him do the talking about the marriage, the future etc. You don't want him to feel everytime he gets together with you your going to beat him over the head with a 2 x 4.

I know this is sooo hard.

My hubby lived with his OW eight months, and a bunch of fence sitting when he did come home (I didn't find MB until he was home about 18 months, I so wish I had found this site earlier).

Good job going to the gym, keep working on browneyes, that's really important right now.

Get busy with anything that will keep you from dwelling on him and you sitch. Do you have any hobbies?, any classes you've been putting off? Me I got involed with my church family, I joined everything I could, prayer groups, woman's study groups, you name it I was there. The side benifit to that was when ever I wasn't immediately available to hubby when he called, or wasn't home when he would "pop" in on me, it drove him nuts.

Well he is saying that it is over and that he just wants to be with her. But I want to fight this, as i think he is still confused, but I don't know how to fight. I don't think he would ever call me if i didn't call him

I am really depressed, and feeling really low. Got my counselling session soon, hope that helps.

{{{{{{{{Brown}}}}}}}

I'm here with ya girl......

What got me through these times, was just to start talking to G-d and let all the sadness and emotions out. I felt the emotions which is something I hadn't ever done for whatever reason.

Another thing that helps is to write a gratitude list - name 5 things you are grateful for.