Hun,

There was a text I didn't answer because at the time I was texting you and then you called.

You sent: Now you understand how it feels for me to have to wait for the things that are important to me.


I understand my pain from that happening yes. I would like to understand more of yours from that and what it did to you and your bond to me. If you would like to discuss that I'm willing to listen and to understand. Thank you for considering it.

As far as commitment to meeting EN's and understanding them. I have a few books that pertain to this. I have purchased these and plan to review them from time to time. I have made highlights in these books and have more to read geared towards the EN's she has and wants. I have saved documents I will also review.

Steps I will take are when she is ready to receive them. Currently I will work on steps to not LB.

I hear you saying it was not what you needed or wanted. I did do it as an act of love. I do understand more now your love languages.


I understand that I did ask and then I did not follow thru with showing that it meant something to me.


I appreciated your cleaning up. It was something we always did together and should not have changed.


I understand the importance of being a giver when it's requested and how effective that is in meeting an EN. I understood it before as being more important to give from my heart when not requested meaning it was an act of deep love. This should have been done both ways.


I hear you saying I lost sight of that importance and made other things a priority. It was selfish of me to do that.


I understand that the bad stood out.


I hear you saying this took away from my act of love.




I did not understand this importance to you or us. I now see this as an LB while before I seen it as an act of true love when it was not being asked for.

I have to go for the weekend. I love you hun and thank you for your input and consideration in conveying your feelings. I would like to be able to understand more and better.

Hun I do not remember saying you weren't sexy enough. Can you tell me what it was I said or did that made you feel that?

I truly feel it was a communication issue that led to a control issue.

You have always been sexy to me and always will be. You are the most sexiest and loving woman I have ever been with.

ezb, bunny, not being privy to your relationship, there really seems to me to be only one issue that makes it not work: you both have different views on what you want out of life. You may know what YOU want, but you both seem to have a skewed view of what the other person wants/needs. The problem is if you continue on a path of what you 'think' the other wants, without really getting the truth from them, you can go down a complete different path. Does that make sense? in other words, more honest discussion about your goals.

I feel that makes sense cat. I would be more then willing to explore that when bunny is ready. I feel we both did know the things when we first met from each other. I feel our lives were evolving together. I feel the lifestyle and the things involved with it and how things were handled did effect it greatly. There were other things also that did not get worked out properly.


These are 2 other books I recently ordered:

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You



The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

ezb, are you willing to accept the concept that swinging can negatively affect a "single" relationship due to many personal issues, self-esteem, insecurity, jealousy, greed...etc,?

I've seen it negatively effect all those things. I don't feel ones relationship status comes into play.

I'm not sure why you would ask that. I will say I have not swung since before the day I found out she filed for divorce.


EDIT: I know we have both been checking up on each other on the site. I think it shows we care about each other for one thing. Hard to know there's so much care and love there and it just sits idle.

Another disturbing thing. Last week when bunny and I spoke she said that someone has felt the need to tell her everything but she wouldn't elaborate. Now this could only be 1 of 2 people. If it's the person I've been confiding in this whole time then there's been some major playing going on. This really scares me because there's issues there that do not pertain to bunny or myself that could be driving it. I think it's something we should talk about because it could involve this person trying a wedge if it's thee case.

What I meant was, if you have a healthy relationship between two people, and insert swinging, IMO it's almost predictable that that relationship (the single relationship of just two people) is going to suffer for doing the swinging.

For instance, even if both of you say you want it, seeing your spouse 'doing it' with someone else is gonna tear something up in you, in most cases, no matter how strong your love is. It's just human nature. Very complex stuff at work.

I ask because (1) I wonder if you are putting some of the blame for your divorce where it belongs - on the swinging, and (2) I wonder if you have learned from this that maybe next time you find a partner (even if it's bunny), you should stay away from that lifestyle?

I'm putting a lot of blame for the divorce on swinging and the way I handled it's priority. There is blame for other areas yes but nothing as major obviously and the other could have been fixed. I, too, em keeping my options open but it's something that is not in the forefront of my mind. I have had problems with separating from it of course since all this started but I'm dealing with it as time goes by. Not perfectly of course but there is always work to do. I should state however I have not been sexually involved, emotionally involved or anything close to it with anyone else since before I knew she filed nor have I met any swingers (past friends included).



EDIT: I would like to reiterate though that a relationship with bunny is my first priority and I would, will and always will walk away from it forever if thats a need for me and bunny to have a relationship.

At this point it's a little scary though. She didn't answer my email or text yesterday in regards to me orddering a book she wanted me to read so I don't know if shes blocked me or just not saying anything back. Kind of a rough day today because of that and her birthday is wed. (a NC day). I have asked though if I can take her out to a relaxed, no talk about stuff, dinner. I have to just keep working on everything and if something happens positive then great.

These are "I" statements concerning questions cat had for me. I hear you saying you feel frustrated and controlled due to the past and I would like to help in anyway possible.

Have a happy birthday and take care.

I love you
xoxoxo

Could someone please explain to me what they see here?

Nope, ezb, I cannot.

That's hers. Not fact...that's her beliefs from her perception...that's what she hears in her head when you share.

Can't touch that.

Why are you not taking a break from all contact? Why are you participating in this back and forth, looking like you guys are not, with separate threads, and still posting back and forth using your own threads to answer on?

I don't see that as reality. You're still doing a post by post action/reaction cycle.

What's the goal? What's the purpose? I thought your goal really was to personally recover from her divorcing you...and her goal was to personally recover from what she sees as you doing to her.

Ezb...she didn't respond and doesn't have to, ever, to anything you say, believe, think, feel or see...that's YOUR stuff. That's about you. When she has in the past, that's intimacy...knowing your stuff. I don't think you listen to yourself, or treat yourself any better than you previously treated others...which means you distracted from yourself, ignored, lived through others' opinions and ideas...and now, you are changing that.

Stop with bunny, ezb...you go where you have no control, no self-respect and where you refuse to go inside yourself.

Seems to me you want others to really get you...without getting yourself. Where you already are and have been whole, not a thing wrong with you...just your choices giving you the opposite experience...and others' experience of you.

Until you take your stuff and own it, you won't stop taking hers. She's not here to be convinced, persuaded, or understood. She's here for her own purposes and she hasn't shared what they are...other than keeping the record straight. That's what I remember. I don't know...with the back and forth, I get confused.

Go no contact for 30 days and then see what you really want, why you want it and when you want it, 'k? Do Alanon meetings for 15 of those 30 days and change your life. No more panic attacks, no more out of control...no more living constantly where you have no respect for self and no respect from others.

LA

I'm trying to learn from my mistakes, understand and recover from the past and improve and repair my relationship with bunny.

What about the 30 days of no contact? Which everyone has said will be helpful for both of you?

With an ache in my heart and tears on my face I will do my best to do that.

{{{ezb}}}

I really think you will see a big difference. It will clear the air, for both of you. Give you time to breathe. Let you both stop wallowing and start thinking positively.

Make sure you're getting a lot of exercise. And try some yoga and meditation. Awesome stuff.