RB65,

I don't have older kids, so I'm probably talking out of my posterior, but after things settle down a little and the impact of what has happened has sunk in, what about a sit-down family meeting where all of the cards are on the table?

Assuming R is going well at the time, of course. Maybe even if it isn't.

My parents cheated on each other and divorced when I was 10. I knew about both affairs. I knew about my mother's A before my dad found out, because she tried integrating me into OM's family while he was still married.

"Try to get along with them...they might be your brothers someday."

I then found out about my dad's A because my mom took me along on "spying trips". We found his car at OW's home.

If they had sat me down and had an honest, open discussion about what had happened and why, it would've helped a great deal, even though it ended in divorce.

As it was, neither of them has ever expressed any remorse. No remorse about cheating, no remorse about ruining our (my) family. Not once. My father is dead now, and my mother is as pig-headed as they come. There will never be any admission of wrongdoing on her end. Closure simply isn't going to happen.

As a result, I very nearly despise both of my parents. I see them as weak, immoral, selfish, dishonest...just two bad people who had no business ever having a child. My mother would take a bullet for me, but I don't care. I get upset, aggitated, and flat-out pi$$ed off just being in her presence. This has increased significantly since my own d-day.

You really might give it some thought. I would guess that your kids are pretty sharp, based on their father's posts here. I'll bet they can handle it if it's approached properly.

In my own situation, NOT talking about it caused FAR more negative feelings than discussing it openly.

Maybe you already said you would...this thread is huge.

RB - My sons have a sister who they didn't know for almost 20 years. Their father had an affair, and there was an OC who was in our life for her first 8 years. Then her mom moved across the country with her and we couldn't find her.

My sons always knew they had a sister. One was 5 and the other 2 when we lost her. For years they talked about her, where she might be and reuniting with her.

Last year she contacted them through myspace. Since then, she has flown here several times and they have flown to see her. They keep in DAILY contact and are like 3 peas in a pod. It is very uncanny how much alike half siblings are.

rb,
You will ultimately have to make your own choices.

These " kick her [censored] to the curb" statements are being made by BS's who had the the same choice as you. Yet they stayed in their M's and now advise you to leave.

Make your own choice, RB, just as they once did.

Bitterness is an ugly bedfellow.

In time, when the numbness wears off, you will also have to drink from your cup of bitterness.

This isn't going to be a cake walk. It never is.

All blessings,
Jerry

Krazy,

Best

Post

I've

Seen

Yet.


My kids, although they are not as old as RBs know that my OCs have a different mommy. Both daddy and (this) mommy talk about it. They know that daddy made a terrible mistake, but is very sorry and will never do it again (age appropriate, of course).

Believer, your kids and your story is the BEST IN THE WHOLE WORLD. You all are so precious to the world.

In the midst of all the plan a-ing, my niece that is only a few months older than my oldest daughter put two and two together and asked my sil about her uncle having the littles with a different mommy than me. My poor sil then had to say, yes, indeed he does have children with a different mommy than Aunt Kim. Imagine her horror and ours when we heard my niece's reaction to what her beloved uncle did, "THEN THAT MEANS UNCLE COMMITTED ADULTRY!"

My husband could've crawled into a hole.

Me? I wanted to beat him with a flip flop.

But my point is that like the ripples caused by skipping rocks, or the butterfly effect on tsunamis, these waywards have no idea how much or how far their actions reach.

It is not an excuse. It's a fact.

Now they HAVE to live with their actions, and while they are hurting most, they MUST ease the pain they've caused others too. There truly is no rest for the wicked right now.

Your wife's actions will tell you what you need to do.

Do not baby her, but also remember where you keep your compassion.

My WW didn't even have intercourse w/ OM much less an OC, but I still am reminded of the affair on a daily basis. I don't think he would be able to forget it with or without the OC. As for me, I forget all about the affair when my FWW is trying hard at our relationship and things are good. I only think of her A when things aren't so hot, and then I feel a little resentment that she's not doing her part even though I stood by her during her A. I think if RB's WW fully commits to the M, really works hard at meeting his ENs, and makes RB happy, I don't think an OC would be something he couldn't get past. I think it is all up to RB's WW as to how she handles the situation.

Also, if you are still torn between raising OC and adoption, remember there is still a third option in between - open adoption. Your WW wouldn't be totally abondoning the child, your children can still visit their half-sibling, and you wouldn't have to raise it either.

RB, take it one day at a time. Recovery from an affair is hard, recovering from an affair that produced a child is staggering. Yet, here I am and here are many others posting to you with both success and failures. There are some of the most amazing people and posts on this thread. You are truly blessed my friend to have found this site as early as you did. Enjoy your weekend and keep in mind that triggers can come out of nowhere. Just so you know you are normal. We don't call this a rollercoaster for nuttin'.

Krazy, I am very sorry for the legacy your parents left you. My mom left my dad for the OM. No explanations, no apologies and I was too young to put 2 and 2 together. Many years later with the help of my sisters I understand what happened. It still hurts but my mom now has Alzheimers so i will never see an apology from her. I ok with that and accept it.

JL, awesome post. Tigger, AD et al thank you for sharing your successes with RB.

RB, God's blessings on you and your family.

Runnerboy,

"I told her that she’s off to a good start and that I appreciate her efforts. But, like I told her a couple of days ago, I can’t promise her that this will all work out"

I wish I could remember the name of a BH that posted here or SI. It was awhile back. A year? I can not remember.

He strung his WW around for some time. At least six months maybe it most likely was a year.

He was cautioned to wait the usual six months before he makes a decision whether to recover his marriage. He posted quite often.

But his posts never rang true to me. I could not tell what made me feel that the BH was not being sincere. Not because I did not believe his WW had an affair. I did not make the connection until he announced with much justification that he was divorcing his wife. When a BH announces here that he is divorcing his wife there is sadness anger regret, but not a self righteous declaration. Well at least not at his level, before or since.

There was this theme running through is posts that I did not detect until the end.

As in your quote above he keep putting an escape clause every day that he posted.

Looking back at his posts after the fact the pattern that was developing could be seen. Acting that he was attempting to recover but always found a way to tell us that he was reserving the right to leave.

When this BH felt that he put in the appropriate amount of time for appearance sake he told his WW that had been doing everything to repair the damage that he was through. He wanted a divorce. Sringing along his WW was his way to get revenge on a remorseful WW.

Just the way WW would of dragged on a false recovery with the requisite number of visits to the MC then demand a divorce because things are beyond repair. After she made it appear that she tried to do everything to save the marriage.

You have not done anything to deserve this affair. Do your best to act honorable. I apologize if I am jumping to conclusions but what that BH did has left a bad taste.

TheRoad,

What that BH did was wrong, but he still got the short end of the stick. The WW brought it all on herself.

I can assure you that I have no intentions of doing what that BH did. However, I feel that it's insincere at this point not to let WW know that I still have reservations. I am totally committed to making my marriage work. I will do everything within my power to hold up my end of the bargain. I just need to see that she is as committed as I am. I think that if I see her taking the actions I've requested, I will know that she is totally in this and I will feel much better about our recovery prospects.

In fact, before the pregnancy revelation, I was starting to feel really good about our chances. She seems to be starting to own her actions and take steps to recover our marriage. I just need to process this latest bombshell. I think I've already reconciled in my mind that recovery is likely to involve at a minimum contact with OC in an open adoption and very likely may require me being willing to raise OC in our family.

I am also aware that my children are watching how WW and I handle this. We are teaching them life lessons by our actions. Like most children, they learn most of their knowledge of romantic relationships from what they observe in their parent's relationship. I hope what we are able to teach them includes ownership of our actions, forgiveness, and honesty.

Well, that's enough for today. I hope everyone has a great and safe Memorial Day weekend. Thanks again for everyone's help tis week and for your continues help through the coming months.

well nice to here that you were able to spend some quality time with the w.

i have seen it written that men raising oc's are 1-in-a-million. that certainly makes me feel special BUT the truth of the matter is that i am as far from that 1 as a person could get.

we discussed adoption and i pushed very hard for it. even had someone come out to the house and explain it to my w and i.

my w on the other hand didn't see how she could carry a baby to term and then give it up. what would we tell our small ones? all they new was that we would have given their sister away. what would that do to their feeling of security?

yet i knew that i would not be able to love this child. the quick short answer since i saw my w was struggling with the adoption issue was D. but i didn't want that either.

i was also forced to look at who i was. was i a person that carried a grudge to my grave or did i have the ability to forgive someone. did i want to dwell on the pain and live in the past or find compassion in my heart and move forward.

so i will suggest that you take a good hard look at yourself. only you know who you are and what you can live with.

i will offer the same challenge to anyone willing to see 1st hand. visit my home or take a 5 minute drive with me and oc when i take her to school each morning.

then tell me where the hurt, anger, resentment are.

the answer to your of "does the pain ever go away?" yes it just takes time my friend. and an open heart to the future.

again you need to look inside yourself.

after reading your thoughts here my guess is that you are deeply in love with your w. to even consider working through this tells me that you have a forgiving, compassionate, kind, loyal, heart of a lion.

please don't think that i am telling you which way to lean but i feel i am reading the story of a 1-in-a-million guy.

An open adoption is to tear off the scab and rub salt in it every time you and your WW have contact with the OC.

This why I don't see the difference between raising the OC and having an open adoption. If you can handle the contact with an open adoption then maybe you could handle being a dad to the OC.

Easy for me to say.

RB


They don't, not ever, from what I have seen here and in my own heart. Oh, they decline and some days are not there, but on another day, here they come if less in volume and content.

One thought; no, from what you were saying prior to, your wife was still a bit resistant. I bet she isn't now.

Males want to save women. We like our white horses. And at least for a time, a male on his white horse is a woman's dream, to be cherished till the end of time or the next time he fails to take out the garbage, whichever comes first.

You are in a position to be the man either way you go and nobody should fault you.

Larry

The bolded is the main reason my dh wouldn't hear of adoption. He couldn't do it to our com. I even offered to move away for the last several months of my P, so they wouldn't have to see my growing tummy, and then the adoption might be a smoother transition.

pops & also 4tn-- I either forgot about, or hadn't heard about the very early days after d-day of oc in both of your situations. I didn't realize so many of us considered adoption. I remembered that Tigger and her dh had. I can't recall if K ever said he did. Anyway, I do think adoption is a lot more difficult when there's com, (especially older, more aware com), involved. Like pops said, they only know there was a sibling on the way, and now there's not.

I still think adoption is doable, and a very noble thing to do for those that are able.

btw, great to see a bunch of old friends from the P/C board!

And good ol' JL-- as per usual, you still have such an uncanny way of getting to the heart of the matter. Such insightful words!

rb65~ Your weekend sounds like an absolute blast! My hope is for a relaxing, funfilled, and drama-FREE weekend. All the serious talking can wait, and this time will help recharge your batteries too. Enjoy.......

RB65,

I have not posted in a long time; however, I have to insert my two cents.

We had two children when I was faced with the same situation as you are facing now. For the sake of our other two, we stayed together and raised that daughter as mine. All the children know the story. When they were 18, 16 & 11; their mother left us to "find herself."

I don't know what she found. I think she has been married 4 or 5 times and is once again alone. The kicker is the OC (who is now 38 and a mother of 5) and I love each other as any father and daughter, and I dote on my grandchildren.

Of course, we are all different and have to make our own choices. I just thought I would insert my story so you can understand how it went with me when I raised the OC as my own.

Road:

You bring up some very valid points.

RB should not "string along" his WW. But he is allowed his doubts RIGHT NOW.

What else is going to come to light? What else can RB handle? Where is RB's breaking point?

As Larry states later, RB is saving his WW on the White Horse right now. But if he senses that she is holding on to him for the ride and looking to jump horses, than RB should have his out under those circumstances. Doesn't seem that right now, RB is sensing that in WW.

RB states that WW seems to be getting on board. If SHE is on board, than "stringing Along" by RB is not very likely. And RB doesn't seem like the type to do that. That is why his thread has been as closely followed by so many like it has.

RB should also get in touch directly with the Harleys and start proper counselling. I know that he has contacted MC's locally, but I would still recommend the Harleys. An MB weekend may go a long way to helping the two of them see a path to the future.

LG

I don’t have much time today since I’m at home, but I have a few moments since WW has gone to run some errands. I was pleasantly surprised when I got home last night that WW and the kids had already done all of the work for tomorrows party with the exception of getting the meat marinating which I was able to do in less than 30 min this morning. With everything already done, I took the boat out for a test run before tomorrow and had a couple of hours to just ride and think about everything. When I got home, WW and I sat on the deck and had a great talk.

By the end of the night, I knew in my mind what I had to do and it was confirmed to me again during my devotion time this morning. I don’t want to turn this into a religious thread, but my Christian faith is very important to me and it has gotten me through to this point. I read in the Bible this morning about the Children of Israel crossing the Jordan river and claiming the land God had promised them. Several things stood out to me. First, when they obediently stepped into the river to cross, God parted the water to make a way for them, but, after they crossed, the waters returned preventing them from turning back. Next, I noticed that this was only the first step, because many difficult battles remained. Each battle was different and required different tactics to win. All of this just confirmed to me what I knew I needed to do from last night. We have a lot of battles left to face, but we just have to face them one at a time.

She actually initiated the conversation and told me again how sorry she was and that she would do everything that I had asked her to do plus anything else I needed to get through this. She also thanked me for sticking with her this far. I am just thankful that OM was a total POS and jolted her back to reality very quickly by how he handled things after getting caught. I am so thankful that I haven’t had to deal with a WW that spends months in affair fog. That takes a kind of strength that I can’t even imagine. I am very encouraged by the progress, but I know that there are many battles left to fight. Many tears have been shed in the past 5 weeks and I’m sure there are many more to come. We agreed that we would try to limit relationship talk during the week and set up a time every Friday where we could take a couple of hours to ourselves and deal with all of our issues. I still don’t have all of the answers, but I know that I need to totally commit to saving this marriage and not look back. I think it’s probably time to start referring to my wife as a FWW.

I’m reminded of another Bible verse that has meant a lot to me through the years. It simply says, “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I can’t do any of this in my strength, but with His strength, anything is possible.

FYI, I did go in 1st thing this morning and give a sperm sample just to make sure that this baby couldn’t be mine. But, I have come to terms that it’s very likely OM’s. I should know soon. Either way, I am committed to recovery.

Enough of this serious stuff, the rest of this weekend is for fun and relaxation. There’s plenty of time to deal with all of this later. I’m going to enjoy the time with my family and friends and I hope that everyone else does the same.

Happy Memorial Day

RB:



Larry

I'm sorry ... maybe its just me and my perspective, but this doesn't sound like a man who is comfortable with the decision he has made. I sense a man searching for ways to rationalize this to himself, so he can accept and resign himself to this "fate".

Originally, I had a lot of hope for his situation. He was very proactive and successful in his initial actions, and his WW appeared to be coming around quickly, then when the pregnancy was disclosed, you almost sensed his spirit being stripped away. This just appears to be a different rb65 than the one we experienced on D-Day.

As a fellow BH, I just can't help feeling so bad and sorry for him.

I feel for him, too, but I've been about 3 different people since d-day, at least. They are still bouncing around inside of me, and I never know which one I'll be from one hour to the next.

I think it's normal for a BS to switch personalities entirely more than once.

That's a given considering that type of bombshell, don't you think?

Like Krazy said, he's been about 3 different guys since d-day. That makes a lot of sense, and I believe it's true for many people. The process after the A is organic in nature, imo.

My dh decided with great clarity, he wanted to try to recover the M, and raise oc as his own, 12 short hours after referring to oc in my tummy as, "your ba$[censored]". Talk about an evolving situation. He only called oc that word, that one time.