Yeah with some fetishes people eroticize whatever it is they fear the most. Very often these men regret it when their wives actually cheat for real, but in his case it serves to either justify his cheating or get him permission for it. Getting permission is a way to eliminate all the lying and sneaking around without eliminating the affairs themselves.

The key I think is in convincing him (and yourself maybe?) that it's too difficult to have an emotionally intimate marriage when you're both dividing your time, attention and energy toward other people. You may think you're giving your spouse the same attention, but the new person always has an unfair advantage. Those initial feelings of infatuation are just too strong to let you see clearly.

In my case, my FWW, during her A, had suggested the possibility of some sort of open marriage, and thought she might consent to me dating, etc. Afterwards, I found out she suggested this because I was about ready to walk (i.e., Plan B immenent). She was a cake eater, and didn't want our marriage to end, and thought an open marriage may be a way to keep both me and OM. I, however, didn't see two wrongs as making a right, knowing she wouldn't honestly consent. Once she ended A, she realized she couldn't stand if I had another woman, and the marriage would definately end if I had.

If I were you I would get a quick divorce and then you two could date and have sex with whomever you want to! EVEN EACH OTHER!

Hey, you dont have kids do you??(I hope not)

You could take the attitude they have at the Outback Restaurant of getting what you "want to eat" with "NO RULES" if you get divorced!

Storm, people here DO understand very much. Adultery should be judged harshly; it is a HARSH, terrible thing to do that destroys marriages, families and people.

And it does not help the situation in any way for you to blame YOUR CHOICE to engage in adultery on your husband. You are a grown woman, I assume, and as such are fully RESPONSIBLE for your actions. But i don't see you taking any responsibility here, only pointing the finger of blame at your husband.

This reminds me of when my sons were little, they would blame the other for their bad behavior "well Mom, Bryan told me to do it!" That does not work for kids and it sure doesn't work for adults.

Taking accountability for your bad choices like a big girl is the first step, IMO.

If you have OM then the situation is totally different. My gut tells me we're not getting the full story.

So lay it out there. Please provide us with more info than the snippets you've shared. What you've said so far is confusing.

You're having an affair. He had an affair.

Whether or not he pressured you to do it is irrelevant. It's wrong either way.

My exww asked me to go to a strip club once. I told her no.

Why?

Because there is something wrong with a married man watching a naked woman and getting aroused by her when that woman isn't your wife.

I don't care if my exww offered to help "ease the tention" after the fact. It was still wrong and I declined the offer.

So just because your spouse suggests you do something doesn't mean you do it.

What is wrong is wrong regardless of circumstances.

Sstorm,

Unfortunately you start by asking a question but do not provide enough background information. You made it sound at first that it was something you were looking into doing. Then you tell us you did it. Why tell and ask advice after when then horse is already out of the barn?

People here believe that there is no room for a third person in a marriage.

Why does your husband what you to have SF with another man? People here have seen many open marriages go bad because secret affairs developed as a result of bringing in an OM.

Your husband wants to knock you down into the mud with him so you can never hold his affair over his head again.

Your husband feels ( and it is incorrect to think this ) that it would help you heal by having your own revenge affair.

Your husband without telling you has another affair partner lined up for himself. So if he can get you to have an open marriage he will have his cake and eat it.

Is the OM married? Do you think your H and OMW are in an affair an looking to bring it out into the open?

He has a fetish known as cuckolding or hot wifeing.

A husband gets his kicks from watching, and or you coming home and telling him what you and the OM did. Is this your husband?

Even if rules are set up. No matter what rules are set up. Even if the wife can not have SF with if the husband does not like the OM. What happens is that the wife eventually feels why is my husband willing to share me if he loves me. Eventually the wife becomes a WW because she develops feeling for the OM because of the connection that SF and feeling her husband does not cherish her emotionally bonds with the OM. The WW shifts her love to the OM and dumps the BH.

Where are you in this. I don't know but hope that you come back here and share your story.

Understand that the people here have are working on repairing their marriage and help the newcomers to repair theirs.

Your post initially sounded as there was a chance to stop you from having SF with an OM. Their urgency was to get you to not take this step.

Then why do you choose to stay married to a man who does NONE OF THAT, storm? Your words do not match your actions.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I have read each of your responses thoughtfully and slowly. I do apologize for the confusion and vagueness, but my situation is deeply complicated so I'm trying to go back to some of the root causes and contributing factors in an effort understand it. So I'm just trying do understand THIS issue at this point.

Galoot, I've never heard tgose terms before--zelophilia, etc, so thank you for the info and it;s a start for me to explore this as a possible explanation.

So, to answer SOME of your questions:
yes, I DO take responsibilty for my own actions. I've pointed out that DH wanted me to cheat because that sets my situation apart from others, and him from other BS's in that he is not devastated or shocked by my A. I'm not blaming him, I'm setting the scene.

I have not left him or divorced him because I LOVE him despite his faults. I worked very hard for many years to overcome his bad behavior because i believed that marriage was for life and that was what God gave me to work with. Marriage is a compromise and for every bad aspect, when a spouse stays in a marriage, it's because there is something there to be gained and worth staying for despite the infidelity. I love him and love spending time with him, though it's not perfect.

Here's some more background: he's an all-around great guy, but a reformed jerk, meaning he used to be the guy that always flirted with other women, generally treated me badly, cheated, etc, but now he has turned away from all of that, but now has in the last few years turned to wanting me to have an A.

Why did I do it: we were separated at the time, I didn't think he was coming back, in my mind thought, "he told me to anyway," etc.etc. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. My self esteem was shot to h_ll. NOT excuses, just what I was thinking when the A started up. Probably the same reasons every other WS has.

Yes, I'm still in contact with OM, but only verbally. DH thinks that's fine.
But really, I'm just trying to understand why DH has wanted me to cheat, to explore the possibilities and understand it, because I'm concerned about what it will mean down the road and I want to protect our marriage in the future.
Thanks again for all of your help.

And the story keeps changing.

First you say your husband wants you to cheat. Then you say well actually you already cheated, because he thought it would make you more interesting, so you did. NOW you say you were separated and didn't think there was a chance of getting back together with him, so you just thought you may as welll.

Those are contradictory stories.

It truly sounds like he is a jerk and a cheat, but it also seems that you are making excuses and changing your story around about your own cheating.

You might actually get some help here if you are honest and transparent, and actually WANT to reform. But you cannot get help while you are playing games.