I feel like I have to make a decision now.
You don't have to make a decision regarding divorcing or not divorcing until such time as YOU think it's time.
This is YOUR timeframe, not someone else's. Never lose sight of that.
Your counselor seems to be projecting what SHE would do in your situation, and that is not healthy if you are not "in sync" with her thoughts.
Here's the bottom line, puppylove, it is YOUR choice as the Betrayed Spouse to choose to divorce or to choose to do whatever you can do to try to save your marriage. You can choose "how long" you will try. You WILL get guidance and opinions from everyone, including those of us on MB, but the DECISION is yours and yours alone.
WH2LE was "right on the money" on this one.
She seems to think that I am letting him fence sit by not doing anything.
You are. So what? SHOCK and disbelief are NORMAL, as is a feeling of being both "paralyzed" and "desperate to try anything." But once you begin to get a grip on your emotional shock, rational thought becomes available and the ability to choose a PLAN of ACTION becomes possible.
Plan A IS "doing something."
Plan B IS "doing something."
Divorcing IS "doing something."
Attempting recover when the WS is willing to try IS "doing something."
Enduring for love IS "doing something."
"Doing nothing" may not involve much effort and may not be as scary, but it gets you what you put into it....nothing.
She thinks if I give him a date and he doesn't respond then file for D. That is the only way to get him off the fence is to make him deal with the possibility of really losing me.
Yesireee....ultimatums WILL have a result. Setting a date for someone involved in a "Class II" affair is ridiculous BEFORE you have worked a plan. What your counselor is advising, in the "How to save a marriage" game, is to put the cart before the horse and ignore everything except "her or me...NOW!"
Guess what? It doesn't work UNLESS you WANT a divorce or a "forced relationship."
Puppylove, Plan B WILL force him to "deal with the possibility of really losing" you. But it does so from the standpoint of trying to break the fantasy bubble through letting the OP meet ALL of his EN's, not just a few of them. As reality begins to impinge on the fairytale fantasy that is an affair, it has a "nasty way" of making someone actually THINK about what they've been doing and where it is heading.
That's called "destablizing the affair." Once that happens, progress can be made.
The KEY in all of this is the Betrayed Spouse. It assumes that a BS is willing to work through the Recovery problems and issues rather than just "dump his dumb butt right now!"
MB is FOR people who want to try to save their marriages, even if the WS never comes around and they do wind up divorced.
She said he will either commit to the marriage at that time or leave to be with the OW. "At least I will know". Otherwise I can sit around yet another 6 months.
This tells me rather plainly that your counselor really has little understanding of what it TAKES to save a marriage that has been decimated by adultery. Your counselor operates from an "either/or" viewpoint rather than a "both/and" viewpoint. That is the "essence" of Plan B. "I both love you and want to rebuild a marriage with you AND I will not allow myself to be further abused by you while you can't 'make up your mind.'"
You counselor sees things as a "win/lose" outcome, and MB sees things as a "win/win" outcome, even if the efforts end in a divorce. Ask any of the BS's on the system who's marriage ended in a divorce if they, themselves, did not emerge better and stronger as a result of the EFFORT, not the result.
I wish I have you talk with my friend Mortarman. He endured a long time in trying to save his marriage, only to have it finally reach the point where the only "option" left was to divorce his wife.
Then, along comes God, in His timing, and puts a softened heart into his wife, stops the divorce, begins reconciliation attempts, moves to a commitment and a rekindling of love, and then to a pregancy and they are today a "success story" of love and endurance and trust and the power of God when all seems hopeless to us mere mortals.
When I told my wife to pack up and leave the day she told her OM "I want you" when all three of us were standing 3-5 feet from each other, I thought my marriage WAS over and my "pack up and leave" was an acknowledgment that she had chosen.
God intervened. It took less that 5 minutes after she "left for good."
Puppylove, "these three things remain, faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love."
Plan B is a form of love that says, "these are my Standards and these are my Boundaries. I love you and in order to protect the love that remains, I have to stop the abuse of your continuing choice to commit adultery and betray your vows to me and our children. If you choose to leave us, I will live with that choice. If you choose to end the affair and work with me to rebuild a loving marriage, that is what I desire. But I can no longer allow you to continually choose to hurt me and the children while you play with the OW and her abusive daughter."
Boundaries, consequences. You need them and you need to be ready to "go with the consequences.
IF you don't understand what Standards and Boundaries are, then learn about them BEFORE issuing a Plan B.
My friend thinks he doesn't want to ever come back home. He's just dragging this out so he doesn't have to deal with a divorce etc. That he's being selfish by asking me to wait awhile. When I asked him if he was ever going to come back home one day he replied," I can't right now". Why not just say "NO" if you aren't confused about it and Know you don't want to come back. Why leave that open? I disagree with my friend I think he is confused about what he wants to do with our marriage or he would have divorced me long time ago. What do you think from your experience?
Your friend is right. NO active Wayward Spouse "wants to come back home." But MANY have come back home when the fantasy bubble bursts and reality hits.
He IS being selfish. That is the nature of Adulterers, especially those who are active. We are ALL "selfish" to an extent, as part of our "human nature," or our "sin nature." ACTING on the selfishness is the "main problem."
He said "I can't right now" because he doesn't know how to extricate himself from his CHOICES. He's afraid someone will get hurt. BIG SHOCKING ALERT!!!! - - - Someone WILL get hurt.
The question is "what is the right thing to do even if someone winds up getting hurt?"
But when he is "with" the OW, the fantasy bubble closes in and he can avoid facing the FACT that he IS going to have to make a choice.