That's all you really can do, isn't it? I think the worst thing in marriages is that both spouses somehow get to a point where they are in an adversarial situation with their spouse. It's no longer 'what are we going to do' but 'how am I going to get what I want since he/she doesn't want it?'

Communication - safe communication, not self-defending communication - is the only way I know to get back to the 'we' stuff.

Hi,

Just to give an update. Last night actually on the 2 month anniversary of her announcement that she wanted to go her own way we had a very emotional discussion.
It started out as I needed to confront her about a suspected situation going on with her ex-husband. My hunch was correct and she has seen him but in her words it only progressed to kissing at this time. She says she is truly sorry that it occurred and didn't want to hurt me.
As our conversation continued we both opened up about our marriage and the things that we both had not done to make it work like we had hoped. One big item was lack of communication from both of us and my lack of affection for her. We agreed to both work at the marriage for the next 5 months and see along the way how our progress is going.
One thing that I say to her was that I needed some time to confront my feelings about her and the ex. Also about her lying to me about both the state of our marriage and her sneaking around. Right this minute I don't have any bad feelings about her and the ex and the level that they got to. I'm wondering the time I'll start to wonder is when she is late coming home or gone out to run errands.
Any advice on ways to cope with the infidelity or suggestions on ways to progress with our marriage in the next 5 months? Also any ideas to help restore the spark between a couple?
Thanks for reading.

Get a conversation stick. The person holding the stick gets to say whatever they want, no one else is allowed to talk til they're done. Both of you use it every Friday night to assess how you're doing.

Revitalizing means getting back to your dating stage. Try new things. Try out one new restaurant each month. Look for parks in your city and go on one picnic each month - even in the winter (be creative). Join a dinner group where each couple takes turns hosting a dinner (a lot of churches have this). Volunteer together at an animal shelter or something else you both care about.

Basically give yourselves better focus, new activities to do together (remember the 15 hours a week) as well as new things to talk about.

How sure are you about her telling the truth about how far it went with her ex? It's common for folks here to scream "Affair!" at the slightest whiff, and I'm the last guy to jump on that bandwagon.

But her sudden desire to split everything up, and go your separate ways along with a late admission that a little, tiny something kind of sort of happened with another man... It sounds to me like there was a good chance that she was considering a return to her ex. Now that might have fallen through.

I'd investigate that a little more. She wasn't honesty earlier. What makes you so sure that she's being totally open and honest now?

Thanks Cat for the suggestions. Very much appreciated. I truly hope that we can revitalize our relationship. It definitely got to a boring repetitive stage before her announcement 2 months ago. I know I've been doing counsoling and other things to re-open my eyes and hope not to go back to old habits.

Seabird,

You have valid points and I'm not just totally just forgetting what she admitted to. I have to trust her in some respects in that she mostly has been honest when I ask her specifics about other things. I do want to talk some more about her admission and see if there is more to the story. As I told her I need some time to accept what she has said so far to me and see if I can forgive her.

What is strange is that I'm not really mad at her much if what she has said is truly the extend of the involvement. I don't know if I'm so wanting our marriage to work that I'm not thinking clearly or that based on what she said I'm just thinking like it was not a big deal.

Fran - I don't want to poison the well for you two. I'm just tossing out some possibilities that you might not be willing to consider on your own. I hope you understand that. My hacks went up when you said that "she mostly has been honest". I don't think "mostly" should cut it. She needs to be totally, completely, 100% open and honest. A lot of people neglect the "open" part of the statement and think honesty means only answering directly to questions, but withholding important information. The logic being, "As long as he doesn't ask, I don't have to admit it, and that's not technically a lie.". Around here we call that "lying by omission".

In a marriage, you two are supposed to be one entity. No privacy, no need for privacy. You have a right to snoop and peak and do whatever you need to do to become secure in the knowledge that she's being truthful. That includes checking her email, financial accounts, and phone records. You have a right to know this stuff, because you have a right to decide if you want to remain in a marriage where there has been deceit and infidelity.

Seabird,

Thanks for reminding me about what a marriage should be. My reference to being mostly honest is in refenece to the past 2 months and her positioning herself for the divorce. I agree that there should not be any deceit and I am not just going right back to believing everything just yet. It will take me some time to trust that she is on the up and up.
Then again tonight she could come home from work and say she reconsidered about working on the marriage.
I have some additional questions from last night that I need to hear answers about to truly understand this turn around she wants to pursue.
Wish me luck.

Luck.

Hi Again,

So its been a few days since her change in mind. Although she in some respects seems to be giving the marriage a try like gives me a kiss good night and seems to be speaking more freely with me. I feel like there is definitely a not trying to hard feeling to it.
One thing that I noticed is that she has made no attempt to call me during the day for quite some time. I went back in old cell phone records and see that she would call the ex and others during her lunch break. I have made it a point to call her each day just to say hi and check in. We will see if she starts to find time to give me a call.
I'm going to continue to work at filling the EN's and making sure I don't do an LB's. It's just kind of strange that she was the one sorry the other day and said she wanted to try and fix the marriage but I'm not seeing her do a real lot to convince me.
It seems like it is more of her doing a bit to work at the marriage and then seeing if I make any real progress in changing myself and the items that she felt were lacking.
I guess it has only been a few day but does this sound right?

Hello Fran,

Sorry if I missed where you already covered this, but did you and your current wife meet and date while still married to your previous spouses?

Jo

Hi Jo,

Well my wife and I met while working together. We didn't get together until my marriage had ended and she had made the decision to divorce and was getting ready to separate.

I'm getting the feeling that she is going through the motions just to show herself that she "tried to work on the marriage" so she can go through with the divorce and not feel bad. Maybe I'm to sensitive to the situation but I continue to try to work on the EN's. She isn't showing much acceptance of them.
I just asked her if she was going to get the names of marriage therapists and she said "if she remembers" when she meets with her counselor. The other day she said her individual counselor had some names for her if she wanted them. She expressed interest in seeing someone together when we had talked.
Fran

Hello,

Does anyone have this same type of experience where the spouse seems to change their mind about moving forward with the divorce but decides to give the marriage "one more try" to see if it can be saved?
What has been the results do these attempts work or not? What improvements have worked for people? As I've previously written she doesn't seem to be jumping in with both feet. I thought she would since she was so sorry about her and her ex. It seems to be like she is open to trying but is expecting me to win her over.
Any thoughts?

So try to win her over!

Everyone needs to be wanted or needed once in a while. Maybe she just needs to feel this from you.

Yea, nothing wrong with winning her over if that's what you want to do. But I think at some point, she has to be winning to work on her part of the relationship.

Can you tell someone that you want them, and tell them at the same time that you need them to treat you better?