letters should have arrived. I am telling children after w parents have spoke to her.

W as just got really mad with me " who else have I told, have you told them that you are controlling freak" i just walked out and said i am doing whats right for the family. she is also drinking. i did say i am stopping been a doormat and i wish had done it 7 weeks ago when I found out.

its getting ugly!!!

Pepperbands posts:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788#Post1640788

Pepper's instructional little set of rules can be found here:

[b][i] [color:blue] {Pepperband’s The Carrot And Stick Of Plan A} [/color] [/i][/b]

Considering your WW has already started with the "controlling" bovine scatology, I think you might also benefit by reviewing another thread, one done by Orchid, which discusses the concept of "reverse babble." That is, how to deflect the constant, irrelevant, and largely unintelligible babble that comes from the WS's mouth in this time. Her post can be found here:

[b][i] [color:blue] {Orchid’s Reverse Babble Thread} [/color] [/i][/b]

Remember, your WW is as much an alien in these times as any creature beamed down from a mother ship hovering over your town. When your WW begins one of her ridiculous tirades, you might just imagine her having the head of one of those alien beasts from the first Star Wars movie's bar scene on her shoulders. Remember that one? Certainly, the babble that will spew from her mouth is going to be just about as indecipherable as anything heard in that movie.

Pardner, get the rest of your exposure finished, ASAP. There's no advantage in delaying any part of it and every second you delay is a moment the WW and OM may be getting a perverted version of affairs out there for public consumption. You need all the allies you can get and now is the time to get them with a good exposure.

Exposure is the first phase of Plan A. Once you've finished that phase, start working on the rest of your Plan A. You might perhaps find the link in my signature area about organizing a recovery plan to be of use in doing that. Check it out when you have a moment, okay?

Hang in there, Bro.

LH

Bro-

Be might careful of hesitation in the midst of your exposure plan.
Events and drama can start taking control of the situation. Need to finish up soon. This is the "stick" part and it needs to be a surgical strike so you can start the "carrot".

It sounds like her choices are causing her much angst. Keep your cool during her rantings.

Keep repeating your mantra - you are trying to save this family from harm. This your duty as a father and husband.

I have just had the worst 5 hrs of my life.W has been crying, screaming, thrown every phone out of the house said she is leaving OM. Hates me wants to kill me,leaving the children and all the family. This is because her parents have been around this morning and told her they know about A from me. Prior to this she said can we sort this out through mediation and access to children etc. She said she has a lawyer apppointment in the morning, if you don't agree to my terms I will screw you!!!

What to do next, she did seem quite convicted about finishing with OM. I said words are cheap, actions are what we want

This venom is to be expected - see below Melody's quote -

So did she say she is finished with the OM? This is probably a spin so she can claim that this has nothing to do with the OM.

Have you had a chance to tell your dtrs?


Please scroll down and read Mark's post titled: Troubleshooting and repair Manual

Buckle up my friend, she hasnt found out about the workplace exposure yet!

This is all normal, keep calm and repeat "im standing up for my marriage and my family"

Be strong, Bro. It'll subside. You're being very strong, and we're proud of you. You will survive! Some day, she will thank you.

Stick to your plan, BRO, and DO NOT VEER OFF PATH. All that has happened here is that you have turned on the lights in the crack house and the crackhead is ENRAGED! She DESPERATELY wants you to turn the lights off and leave her alone!! You are ruining the high!

Have you told your kids yet?

ok, will she quit her job and send the OM a no contact letter promising to never have any contact again?

She won't be finished if they still work at the same place. Is she willing to leave the job?

Does she know yet that they know at work?

No nothing from work. She says she is going to see a ball breaking lawyer. wants me to move out and hates me for telling her parents.

she is leaving him not to be with me, to be by herself, so she says. she will not leave the job.

I will be telling the children tomorrow by myself and my parents

Exposing is not making one phone call a day.

It's get it all done quickly as possible. Shock and Awe.

I'm not clear if you exposed at her job yet. Did you?

Has WW been to work since you exposed there? What has been her response to it?

Call your parents now.

Tell your children now.

Exposure is less effective when you trickle expose.

Do not weaken.

"All that has happened here is that you have turned on the lights in the crack house and the crack head is ENRAGED! She DESPERATELY wants you to turn the lights off and leave her alone"
( I know I must of heard this from someone that is wise )

Affairs are just like mushrooms. They can only grow in the dark. The light of exposure is what kills them.

Stick to the plan, Bro! You are doing great! Don't let her rantings upset you. She is just trying to scare you. Get all your exposures done today so you can get it over with.

And whatever you do, don't move out. Tell her if she wants to separate she will have to be the one to move out. "I don't want to separate, dear, but if you feel you need to move out, i can't stop you."

She may leave, she may stay. She may stop seeing him, she may not. She may go and see a lawyer or she may not....

Dont believe any of it until you actually see it. Her words mean NOTHING right now. It looks like, in the past 12 hours she has said she is leaving and than later that you are leaving. My wife did the same, first she was taking the kids than she was leaving the kids. She hated me for ruining her relationship with her family forever then she didnt care what her family thought. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..

You need to emotionally detach yourself from the madness. Stick with your plan. If you dont know what to do next, look at your plan. Get the exposure done PRONTO. Next, think about how you need to protect yourself legally and financially. How are your finances? WW's often spend like crazy. Can she clear out the bank accounts? Do you need to seperate the money to protect yourself? Get exposure done and think about these things fast.

and a little off topic here, ive been reading through your posts again and have to ask.. are you an englishman?

no mention of lawyer talk or R talk today even thou she has been to see one. I have stalled with exposure with my parents, but its done now. nothing from work that I know off. She has even been nice which is strange!!!!

Shuold I ask her about vivits to Lawyer and if she has ended affair

I wouldn't bother. If she's heard some news that was in her favor, she'll let you know sooner or later.

Do you know for a fact that she's actually seen an attorney? If you do, protect yourself by having a preliminary discussion with a lawyer yourself. Also, protect your finances so she can't raid your checking and savings accounts too. Remember, she's not using logic or common sense in this phase -- she's an alien monster without any trace of humanity in her.

LH

Exposure is finished I have done my parents and the children, it’s all very sad and I am finding it very difficult to cope. I can't stop angry outbursts regarding om. She is not bothered that the children know about him or anyone, she says the truth needs to come out. When she cried for hours when she said she would end it with OM I thought exposure had worked, well it hasn't, she is still in the fog and very much with him. She says he will not be part of their lives when we separate , more fog. Just like the book says she is like a drug addict. Even with all the pain caused to the children she is prepared to put herself first before them. She still blames me for the reason she is having the affair !! everything is my fault
I have seen a lawyer and know where I stand regarding the children I have great chance of custody, which she will find hard to deal with. Financially I am ok regarding bank accounts. Regarding the house, she can’t get me out unless I am abusive, I need to get back in control regarding angry outburst also its love busting. We will likely have to sell the house this will take at least 12 months in this market and it needs work. So she will have to move out or stay, I think she will stay, this give me the chance to do the carrot of plan A.
I need advice regarding recovery and the rest of plan A, my emotions seem all over the place at the moment I keep, going from sadness to anger. Is it all worth the effort , should I let go ? and give up

Bro, her talk is the crazy talk of a crack head who has just had her crack taken away. You can't take anything she says to heart. She is enraged right now because you interfered with her high. This will blow over soon. Her affair will end soon enough likely, because affairs thrive on secrecy, you have inflicted a a huge blow.

The second part of the strategy is to make YOU a safe place to land as she comes down off her high. That means you MUST stop the lovebusting. I know you are angry and understand you have every right to feel angry. But SHOWING IT WILL ONLY WORK AGAINST YOU. You cannot afford to act on that anger now. It is to shoot yourself in the foot.

You need to be CALM, RESPECTFUL, FIRM, RATIONAL, and PLEASANT. NOT reactionary and angry and hot headed. Do not be a loose cannon on your own ship!

See, in order to justify her affair she had to demonize you. When you rant and rave, you hand her ammunition to use against you. Remember this every time you have an urge to lay into her.

Instead, come here and VENT TO US. That is what we are FOR. We understand, we will listen, we will help you. Coming HERE with your anger will be productive.

The keywords for today are:

ACT, DON'T REACT. BE STRATEGIC AND IN CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS.

Bro, you will be fine, I know this is hard, but you have just inflicted a death blow to her affair. It may not kill it right off, but it has sure hastened its death. Just hang in there for now and don't RUIN all your good work by lashing out. Get control, friend!