I never looked at it as being self-centered....I looked at it as another justification method. Mine was (and still is for that matter....) always looking for ways to justify his A.....of course, I kind of lucked out. Whenever he said something REALLY awful, he always went out and spent money on me....something else to ease his conscience.....once I got a new couch out of it....lol.....

like I said, it actually does start to become a little funny. and my WS still thinks our situation is "unique"...(where's that rolley-eyes icon now.....you loving that one Mimi??? )...

The lawyer had already sent them, I am now waiting to have them come back from court for him to sign - after which i am supposed to file for divorce, but i will not!!!

browneyes:

I have just briefed through your thread and I see a few things I would like to comment on:

1. If you want to save your marriage and you do NOT want a divorce than you get those papers back and you let your h know you have no intention on divorce. If he wants a divorce so darn bad LET HIM PAY FOR IT! Do nothing further. Do not sign anything. Make him do it if he wants it. In my situation I paid for the legal separation simply because, to protect me and my children financially I had to do it. BUT, I told him he could pay for the divorce. Well, it is 3 years later and he is just now finally filing. (well, several months ago, we are just finalizing now I should say).

2. I would let your h know that it is hurtful to you when he mentions ANYTHING about the other woman. Tell him you want your marriage to be saved and that you believe it can be. But talking about her is not something you will listen to. Period. Make it crystal clear that talking about her is NOT ok with you.

3. It's all great that you are on AD's but you need to do more than that. You lift your head up high, you get out there and start working out, it will do you a world of good. You dress well, you keep yourself up, you get yourself back on track at work. You stop giving him and her so much space in your head. It will be hard at first, but keep yourself busy with healthy things, and taking care of YOU. YOU being the BEST YOU you can be is what he will find attractive. STOP being whiny and crying when he is around. DO NOT LET HIM THINK YOU ARE JUST SITTING HOME ALL OF THE TIME CRYING AND PINING FOR HIM!! Read that again... You give him wayyy too much power when you do this. He thinks he is hot stud man as he has 2 women who want him. He is stringing you along with his wayward words. Get out there, live your life. Don't always answer the phone when he calls. Don't always immediately respond to an email. GET HIM THINKING WHAT YOU MIGHT BE DOING SINCE YOU ARE NOT HOME PINING OVER HIM! Trust me, once he thinks you might be starting to change your mind, once he thinks he may be losing you, he will start to do some serious thinking. Now, I don't mean go out and date or anything. Just get out there and live life.

4. You need to believe that no matter what happens you are going to be ok. Life does not revolve around another person. The sun is not rising and setting on your spouse. Your world and your life will go on either way. Start making your life now exactly how you want it to be and then if your marriage works out you will be in a better place and if it does not, you will be able to get through it that much better.

5. Be careful of his mind set. 2 affairs in such a short time is NOT a good sign to me. He finds it all too easy to seek comfort when things get tough, with another woman. THAT needs to be addressed.

YOU are a powerful woman. You hold the cards here. You have way more power in this situation than you realize.

And God? He allows free will dear. He is not making this happen and He has NOT forgotten about you. He is there to comfort you and help you through this. But He will NOT force your ws to do anything. That is free will. I would pray that God's will would be done in your h's life NO MATTER WHAT THAT TAKES. and trust me, God's will is NOT for your h to be having an affair! DO NOT allow Satan to have a foothold in your life. He wants you to believe the lies. DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIES.

Use your power Browneyes!

mlhb

N - yes well my H did kiss the ground i walked on after his first A. He tried hard to justify it as well. That is was actually me he was thinking about all the time (this was when my mom died and i was quite distant with anybody)
God bless u all

MLHB - thanks a tonne, i need to hear these things out aloud. I have already told him i dont want to hear about OW.
I am going to the gym - i am getting a personal trainer so that i continue going.
I am spending more time and money on myself. Bought six pairs of shoes today.
Sometimes i just lose it and feel very very depressed, i am trying harder

Read MLHB'S post to you OVER and OVER again...

It's WONDERFUL!!

VERY GOOD.....now your talking.....

not2fun

It is Mimi - it is!
So what do I do on Tuesday? Weekends - i can't call him as he is with her all the time and I am not allowed to call him.
So do i call him on Tuesday or wait for his call (99.9% he won't call)
How do I handle the conversation?
Do I tell him that i want the marriage to work (at which he will probably shout)
What do i say if anything?

Yes, well once he signs the paper OW will think that she is home free, but i will withdraw and knowing WH he won't be able to tell her and I don't think in reality he will be able to file for the papers.
I want her to get a bit relaxed so that my Plan A works better. When she thought she was losing him, she started chatting to her friends on facebook to find out how she could seduce him.

honestly, i would not be calling him. you are worrying wayyy too much that if you don't call him he won't call you and he will forget about you, etc. you are letting your fear take you over. don't let it. you calling him like that is making you think you have a bit of control over him in that area. i used to do the same thing during one of our separations. i was so scared that if i did not call he would forget about me. and i thought that at least if i called him and he answered i then knew where he was and what he was doing. YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM PERIOD. he is going to do what he is going to do.

i would simply drop him an email that says you felt pressured to file for divorce but that that was never what you wanted. you have thought long and hard about it and you want your marriage. SO, you will be withdrawing the papers, dropping the case, and doing nothing further. if HE chooses divorce than HE may go through with it and pay for it. but YOU are going to fight for your marriage. that's it, say nothing more about it. if he calls you yelling, etc, than you calmly say "i love you and i am not giving up" and hang up the phone.

when you filed for divorce i am sure ow was doing cartwheels thinking she had won. don't give her that power. also, if she texts or emails you SAVE THOSE MESSAGES! she is harassing you and that can be used in court if necessary. i have saved every email i ever got from ow and i used them too. she has no right to talk to you like that. she is the wh*ore here not you. she is in the wrong here. i love waywards "stay away from MY man" she tells you? imagine that! they all oughta be run over.

stop worrying so much and just live your life. you can certainly plan A him as well. but don't go over board with it. a meal here and there ok, but don't make yourself look desperate. desperate still equals needy.

my therapist gave me great advice. she told me to ask my ws at the time, who was living elsewhere, if i could have a few minutes of his time to talk. she told me to *ask* him nicely and that he could tell me when he would have the time. then i was to tell him that the bottom line is i loved him and that i wanted our marriage to work but that i was not going to bug him about it. to make it clear how i felt but that this was the LAST time i would mention to him. that the door was open when HE was ready to talk about us and working on us but in the mean time I WAS GOING TO GO ON WITH MY LIFE, keep working on me, and living. period. that left the ball in HIS court. and it freed me to live my life.

it's great advice browneyes.

also, you do want to expose to his family yourself. and you do want them to know that you love your husband and that you plan to fight for your marriage. don't listen to him brother. if his brother is anything like my exes brother he is not worth 2 cents!

mlhb

I know mlhb - I get very anxious. I miss speaking to him. He was just not my H, but my best friend. When i went for counselling on Friday, she asked me how i felt when he hugged me, and stroked my hair. I told her it sometimes reminded me of mom. She thought that he had also replaced my mom. Because mom could never do any wrong, i couldn't get mad at him.
All of this is very confusing.
I feel like i am losing the plot!

well, he is human and he can do wrong and he IS doing wrong.
I would keep working with your counselor on the "replacing mom" thing. a spouse should NEVER be like a parent. a spouse is a spouse. a friend, a lover, a partner... NOT A PARENT.

i think it would do you some good to get DA*MN mad at him! not at him literally, but at home, alone, getting mad at him. hitting a pillow, writing it down, etc. you have every right to be mad. and mad at ow as well. your feelings are a bit misplaced.

the anger will come out eventually and better now, when you are alone, then a year or two from now with him, in person, after years of resentments have built up.

mlhb

I know - the worrying this is there is no anger. I just don't feel it. The bigger thing seems to be the pain of losing him. It's been 3 months and no anger.

you WILL get to the anger, trust me.
it is all part of the grieving process.

mlhb

Brown,

It's been over a year for me and I wouldn't say I have had a anger stage. I get a few circumstances where I get a little angry. I kept waiting for this big old anger to consume me. It didn't.

So maybe you have gotten angry in a way that you don't realize. Just a thought.

Yes maybe, mind you I don't do angry much. My anger lasts for a few mins and then evaporates.
I can't stop thinking about 'what ifs'
I can't forget the happy times, and then i wonder does he not miss those times too. I know he isn't the same man but somewhere my old H must be there.

What are you doing for YOURSELF? All of this obsessing on him is doing you no good at all. Make a good life. I'm sure the affair will end and he will be back.

I don't know. I can't remember who I was before him, and I don't seem to like anything much these days. Y'day i kept myself quite busy but even then I keep on feeling upset. Every time i see couples it makes me really sad. I must sound so ridiculous i know. Moping all the time, i am sure people will get fed up.

I FELT THE EXACT SAME WAY AS YOU..most, if not, ALL of us did..

Like I told you yesterday, DO NOT GIVE INTO THE FEELINGS...DO SOMETHING..


ACT TODAY..CALL HIS PARENTS!!!

His parents are out of town. They will be back on Tuesday.
I am trying not to give in. I don't know what to do.