You now, the more you talk about Squid, the more I like her. Gotta love a woman with a great sense of humor!

Pitty, she won't come here. Or maybe not. I don't know.

Agreed! To model what his disciples are supposed to do. That's what I do when I spend time with a drug addict that hasn't been able to quit yet. That doesn't make me a drug addict nor does it mean I condone it.

There are plenty of exceptions all around.

S&C

so true and I understand your point. I see a drug addict as being somewhat different in that they are doing this to themselves...while a person condoning or excusing affair type behaviors is in my thinking, a conspirator to the "crime."

I do not think that I should be getting involved with a person on the hopes of fixing them. I do think telling her how I feel in an honest and straight forward manner is what is called for prior to my walking away.

Thanks for your thoughts. They are much appreciated.

The drug users are doing it to themselves.

And this is where we may disagree.

Who they do it to doesn't change the fact, that the drug and the affair relationship are addictions. And an addict is going to act pretty much the same no matter what the addiction is.

And addicts that haven't quit need to be convinced that they need to quit, where a recovered addict needs to be convicted when they think of going back.

Two different tactics under two different situations. Some people can handle recovering addicts, but not current users. Those that deal with current users don't condone the use, they just use a different tactic than those that deal with recovering addicts.

Anyway sorry to get off subject.

S&C

You know I had a similar situation, s&c, isnt that interesting? I was at a coffee klatch a while back where the folks spread gossip, lies and baseless rumors and whipped themselves up into a feeding frenzy of sanctimony and self righteousness. When asked what the facts were, they didn't know. They didn't care. They just cared about how much fun it was to demonize others that it didn't matter if it was true or not.

I handed them a towel to wipe the froth off and walked away. I have no doubt they are still in their little behind the scenes feeding frenzy. Sanctimonously practicing what they profess to hate. Let them choke on their sactimony, I say, that is their problem, not mine.

As far as Jesus hanging out with the unrighteous, he really did not. He stayed long enough to preach the good Word and then said, GO and sin no more, dude. In fact, the Bible says have nothing to do with deeds of darkness. I think that is pretty dang smart advice.

well, we all know medc is a pretty smart cookie and will do the right thing the right way.

mlhb

I'm curious about where you get your scriptural support for that statement. My Bible says he "...was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin." (Hebrews 4:15) Is there another text that contradicts this? If so, I have to confess that I've never seen it.

MEDC - I think you need to just see less of her and look around for someone else. You can still be friends and do some things together, but you now know that she is not marriage material. After going through an affair, I have higher standards, and this even includes my friends. I've dropped several because of their non-support of marriage.

Now, if I'd been your young friend, I would have stepped up and let the married woman know that rating men with a married woman made me feel uncomfortable. Rating men period is kind of juvenile, but when a friend is married, you don't have their best interests at heart to support that behavior.

You are a person with high morals and good ethics. Please keep looking. Don't sell yourself short. There is someone out there for you.

Thanks B. I will do just that.

I think both you and MelodyLane have it right here.

Jesus hung out with sinners. In fact ANYONE Jesus hung out with was a sinner, FWIW. It was only the (self) righteous that thought he was hanging out with THOSE sinners, not recognizing their own sin.

I don't think Jesus hung around to watch the sin. After all, he did a pretty good number on the money changers.

So since the only one who was not a sinner in any crowd was him, he was ALWAYS hanging out with sinners unless he was alone.

Back to the topic, what should MEDC do. I think he should simply say how what she has said makes him feel, without judgments and without condemnation and watch to see how she responds.

If she is more interested in telling him he's not justified in how he feels, than she is being sensitive to how he feels, then he has his answer.

Don't make it about her, make it about how it impacts you, brother, and then watch.

Melody,

Makes you wish you could find a good herd of pigs doesn't it??

WH2LE

My understanding of Scripture is that the devil attempted to tempt Christ in many ways and that they were all rejected. I can tempt anyone (to try and get them to do wrong) but that does not mean they succumbed to the temptation in any way.
Saying Christ could not be tempted means to me that he did not succumb to the temptations laid before him.

I see what you mean. I'm not sure I agree entirely, but I understand what you're trying to say.

MEDC:

First of all, I would feel it was disrespectful of ME if my date was rating other men within my earshot. And I would have said so at the time. I probably would have said that I recognised that both men and women rated the opposite sex as a passtime, but I had better ways of passing my time when I was with a woman I cared about than talking about her competition. Then I would have said, "Excuse me, I have to go now." And I would have bailed.

But that is just me.

Now you said:


You have already given her a clue. Unless she is stupid and insensitive, she already knows your beliefs and feelings about affairs. She may be one of those people who have never been around the devastation that affairs inflict on individuals and yes, there are people out there who are clueless, who have bought what Hollywood has sold.

Trading values is always a good thing in a relationship. And is she has no good values, perhaps she can learn through discussion, perhaps not.

For me, I would have bailed for the disrespect. Wait your chance and do it, or not as the case may be. If the relationship has already moved to the, er, uh, (hack cough) intimate stage, you probably should give her a bit more than the "Things just aren't working for me," kiss off.

Just my thoughts.

Larry

You can do better, MEDC.

Please don't settle for a woman like this.

It's one thing to be married to someone, and have to learn to "make do" with their personality, flaws and all..
but you are in a position to be very choosy and aim higher! After all you've been through, you owe it to yourself.

larry,

he was not there when it happened.
i thought he was too, but i misread his post.
this "st" told him about it after the fact.

do you really think medc would have been in earshot and NOT said something to that behavior? somehow I DOUBT IT! lol

knowing from medc's posts here, and him seeming like he is a man of very high standards (which we all should be after what we have gone through) this young lady seems very out of character for him...

mlhb

Yes, I agree.

I have made my decision to walk away...not try and work through these issues. While I think that deep down she is a very good person, I am just not wanting to get involved with anyone at this point that has views that dissimilar to mine. I do owe it to myself to aim differently this time around.

you know medc, the "bullet" i dodged with exbf?

i think he too, deep down, was a good person. he was very generous at times, and involved with church, etc...

BUT, his views on things were VERY different than mine. i had mentioned that in another post. he thought having primarily female friends was ok, he thought taking them alone to lunches or dinners was ok, he thought flirting with his married friend's wives was ok... etc, etc... all things some (i am sure no one here) but some would think were harmless, were HUGE red flags for me.

as much as i thought there were things about him that were good, these other things outweighed them in the big picture. i could not have envisioned a lifetime of that kind of behavior, especially since, even when i mentioned i was not ok with those behaviors, he felt no need to change them.

you are smart to walk away now.

it is not worth it.

mlhb

Interesting topic.

At my W's former busines(where she had her A with her boss), my W became best friends with another gal there. They became quite close, going out to dinner together and the monthly business meetings and so forth.

In all of the revalations that have come down since DDay, I have since learned that this particular gf of my w's was also having an A with someone in that same company. She carried on with this OM for, get this: SIX YEARS! Felt at times I should tell her H, but couldn't bring myself to be the source of another destroyed M. She's already done enough destruction. Feel sorry for her H who has no clue though.

Do I think she had an influence over my w? You bet I do!!!

Told my W if you lay down with dogs, you will always wake up with fleas. I think she gets it now, but who knows.

Yea, birds of a feather is appropo.

Having said all that, MEDC this is your thread, so:

For God's sake get in the car and make the road trip, will ya?

All Blessings,
Jerry

ps: boy do i wish this place had speel check
pss: do i have to edit this for spelling? i don't want to!

eh, don't bother with spelling corrections jerry... we're getting used to it !

mlhb