DO NOTHING unless ordered by a court! Tell her you have no plans on getting divorced and will fight any action action by countersuing on the grounds of adultery. You will call the OM into court and have him put under oath to testify about his affair. You will file for primary custody and for possession of the house.

Also, she will have to explain to the kids that she destroyed their family for her personal "happiness."

Be firm - and pleasant - about these issues. She needs to understand that you will not be cooperative in any schemes to destroy your family.

I also think you should contact his "XW" to see what she says about all this. He may have done this before.

Bro, the thing about giving up is you can chose to do it any time you want. But if you are like me (and you sound a lot like I did), then you are not prepared to give up right now because you have kids and before you give up you need to know you have done everything you can to keep your family intact.

One thing that helped me was to pick a date in the future. Maybe 3 or 4 months out, and say until that day I will not give up. I did that back in January Bro and the date I picked has come and gone. Within 8 weeks of my wife saying all things yours is saying now, the affair was over, the OM quit his job and NC was established. There is no way to know if that is how things will turn out for you but the point is in these situations a LOT can change in a few weeks.

But do not just sit around and wait for it to happen. Go about following your plan. You have looked at your legal and financial situation. That is good but look again. Do not make any assumptions that your wife will behave responsibly in the next few days and weeks. Anytime she attempts to to talk of divorce say "No thanks, I dont do divorce I do marriage".

Also how are your kids doing?

Bro1,

I second melodylane.

Do nothing to make a divorce easy. Do not move out. Let WW take the kids. Put the house for sale.

WW is ranting and still going through justifying her affair. WW's ranting are designed to get the BS's to give up on the marriage. Ignore the alien that has you WW possessed.

Bro,

May I offer you another alternative to managing your anger? I also had much anger during the first few weeks after d-day. And after finding out my FWW was still seeing OM I decided I had enough of being a doormat. I chose to go after OM!!!!!!!! I made it very clear to OM exactly what the consequences for him were going to be. Not only for him but his family and his physical well-being. I made him an absolute promise that was from the very core of my Manhood so there was no doubt I was very serious. The affair ended that very day. He slid right back under the rock he came from never to be heard from again.

It took a few years for me to consider our marriage recovered, but we are now. This approach may not be for everyone but it kept my dignity and self-respect in tact. No other man is going to come into my family’s life and take from ME what is mine. If they try they will pay!!!! This is my attitude then and still to this day.

Best to you Bro

Merlin

Should I follow Mirlins advice, I really want to, but would this be love busting as Mel says. Also nothing from her her work regarding exsposure. It may be better telling some of her friends at work. Should i let wider family and friends know about situation

bro, it is a good idea to confront the OM if you can control yourself. For example, I would suggest calling him up and asking him what his intentions are with your wife and tell him what she said about dumping him. Let him know that you have notified the director of HR and the company VP so the workplace is now informed. Let him know that you will fight for your marriage and that there will be consequences if he continues to interfere in your life.

Does your state have alienation of affection lawsuits? What about no-fault divorce? If you are in a fault state, let him know that he will be called to the stand in any legal proceedings to give sworn testimony about his adulterous affair with your wife.

The idea is to shake him badly and let him know you will not let him off easy.

Bro
As I said my approach may not be for everyone!!! Mel is a very good person to listen to. Mel is a Texan as I am and a very straight shooter. I tend to be a very straight to the point person and perhaps a little redneck. But the reality is the OM is attacking your family, your finances and working to destroy your life in general. I take it very personal because it is personal.

What I told the OM was not a threat “it was a promise”. My FWW now admires me much more because she saw me willing to fight for her and our family. She knows I will not just melt into a puddle of whimpering mush in the face of someone trying to ruin our family. I am not saying to go and kill him or tear him apart limb by limb. But you can lay out for him in detail your intentions such as what Mel suggested. You will feel much better. But what ever you say to him, be ready to back it up with action. In my case I made a numbered list of things very clearly stating what would trigger my response. Number one was no contact of any kind for the rest of his life with my FWW. I will not go thru the entire list, for I believe it was about 12 items. Then I made a list of specific things I would do to him if he chose to ignore my demands. At the end I told him that if he chose to honor my demands I would leave him and his family alone for life. I then signed it and mailed it to him. For his sake he chose to honor my demands. I honored my promise to him and have never even uttered his name since.

Merlin

Bro, in other words, if you do it in person, leave your shotgun in the pick up truck!

Mel,
The OM in my situation had referred to me as a red-necked cowboy. In the letter I thanked him for the compliment. That as a cowboy I had high values and a strong since of right and wrong. And I had on more than on occasion tamed a rogue bull that kept jumping fences to get in with other cows and breeding them. Its called castration!!!!

I told him in the letter if he ever jumped in my pen again I would deal with him the same way.

Merlin

God, I love Texans!

little threadjack -

my situation - my sons (oldest in college and youngest was in high school) went to the OM's park cities condo with a old rusty pickup and gave him a warning.

At the time - they didnt know what I was finding out and I had no idea they knew anything.

Personally I would like to have a crack at him. I do believe wholeheartedly for the BH to meet up with OM (without violence of course) and its even better if the whole family shows up at his house. I dont see anything wrong for the family intruder to be confronted.

There has been no reaction from wifes work because she had already told her boss and said it wasn't intervering with her Job.

She has also been to see a Laywer and said i will be served with divorse papers. Then she said she will ring and ask them not to serve the papers we need a period of calm for a couple of weeks to refelct. I don't think she has been in contact with OM for about 4 days. We have had a good two days as a family W is really cut up about the children and the fallout with them.

Then she has just got really mad again with me said if I was the last man on earth she would not want me back. She then left the house I presume to go to om, but she also mentioned her parents.

Is there really a chance of recovery in this R as she seems quite sure she doest want me. I have stopped all angry outburst and am really trying but don't seem to be getting through.

With the way she's acting now, that's likely to change.

You informed HR as well, right?

Did you contact work or are you counting on that your WW exposed herself there? How can you believe what your WW has to say about work?

If you contacted work who did you contact? Her boss may just want to squash this and take no real action.

That is why you have to send a letter to Human Resources where the affair is much less likely to get ignored. If it is a small to mid size company then you should contact HR and the Owner/CEO.

If there is going to be a recovery, this is the only way to do it - wait it out for the fog to lift, for the A to end. What are you doing for yourself?

There are no guarantees but there is certainly hope. I haven’t been around here long but ive read enough on this site to know that my own situation was very very common. Right after exposure my WW demanded a divorce ten times a day for two weeks. She said she hated me more than she has ever hated any other human being. She said ALL the things your wife is saying now. And just a few weeks later we were on the road to recovery.

There is hope and it is BECAUSE of the action you have taken so far to stand up for your marriage. Do not waiver from that path. I think you said you were trying to contact the OM's parents. How is that going? So far all the exposure has been on your WW's end. There are two of them in this but it only takes one of them to end it. Dont let up on the OM.

HR department have had letter, I have not been able to contact anyone in his family, I should have some information on his parents tomorrow.

I could do with some advive on what to say to W when she starts to discuss our R. I seem to say the wrong thinks, we always end up going around in circles she blaming me for her A and me saying lets give it another a try. She dosn't want to.

Wife has contacted lawyer and stopped D papers been served, then had long discussion with her parents about it. I thing she has only done this so she can say she has tried, we will see. she seems to be going in and out of the fog.

She also said she would alter her hours of work this would ristrict her seeing om, she is only doing this so she can take care of the children before and after school. Currently I do the mornings and my parents do the afternoon school runs (including meals) My problem is this could put me at a disadvatage if we D now I can demonstrate that I share the caring roles if it comes to a custody fight.

Do you have any way of verifying this independently? How do you know she even started the process? you cannot rely on what a wayward says.


And to try and get her parents back on her side. My wife did this. She tried to get family back in support by claiming she had finished with OM and was working on marriage. It was BS. If you find more evidence of contact you should re-expose. for my wife the re-exposure was even more effective than the initial expososure.



If you want to keep doing mornings then keep doing mornings. Tell her that is what you are doing. Dont let your actions be driven by fear of her anger. And its not just about you maintaining your "carer" role. She needs to see you as strong decisive husband who will not be pushed around.

Then what is her plan? Tell her you can't stay in a loveless marriage and your marriage cannot survive 3 ppl.


I doubt she ever filed. That was a threat to get you to stop with the exposure.

A "restriction" is not sufficient. All contact must end in order for your marriage to make it. In order for your marriage to have a future, she must end all contact. And if she says there is no future, tell her she is right about that if the OM stays in her life. Tell her you won't stay in a loveless marriage.
Ask her to leave the job.

Bro, I have a feeling you are not telling us everything about the workplace exposure. To WHOM did you send the letter and what did it say? This is such a critical exposure and i am concerned you have not done this because you believe they "won't do anything."

Also, I think it would be a good idea for you to contact the OM and ask him what his intentions are with your wife. Make as much trouble as possible for the OM. Call his parents and any other family members you can locate.