Ah, the memories. Prior to being served, the now XW warned me it was coming and told me to not be upset about it. Post announcement and prior to being served, I had reacted a lot better than she had expected and we had successfully negotiated many items. Her expectations when she drew-up the divorce papers were different.

I was also served in the lobby of my office building. The actual process was painless. I was somewhat upset with the divorce papers as they casted me as the worst possible person (RO, etc.) and made it seem like she couldn't afford a roll of toilet paper on her own, which was a huge joke. The XW listed in her monthly expenses $150.00 for the hairdresser and $45.00 for tanning. I was ROTFLMAO about that one.

I should note that I did not retain an attorney while she did. In my state, a formal form of reply was required for the divorce filing. I did some online research and drafted my own reply and brought it down to the courthouse myself.

There will be many obvious points to consider in divorce, especially if there are children involved. Consider especially your tax situation and who will be able to claim any dependents on the taxes. You will more than likely take it in the shorts the first year tax-wise. Also consider assigning beneficiaries. The standard agreement had my DD assigned as my beneficiary. I had this changed to say that DD would be my beneficiary unless I was remarried where my new wife would then be designated as the beneficiary.

There are a lot of other fine points. You may feel that you need to be fair, but above all, you will need to protect what is yours and pick the items that are your hill to die on. I got out of the marriage with zero debt, kept all of my retirement and 401K, and took some cash that was already liquid. I gave up about $250,000.00 in assets and $250.00 per month in CS.

I would be more than happy to offer my consultation on your divorce free of charge. I had several divorce experts here at work whose experience was invaluable to me.

Good luck, keep your chin-up, and man-up!

Thanks everyone for the support. I'll admit, I'm nervous. I really hate this. Somehow inside me this makes sense. Since the first year of our M, my W has told me she wasn't sure she wanted to be married to me. After all we did marry because she was pregnant. Although I knew I loved her, and many times throughout our years together I felt close to her, over the last few it's been really tough.

I'm thankful for everything I've learned, and I remind myself that this is a process. And no matter what I feel today, this too shall pass.

I wish I had found a way to be happy with this woman. In spite of all my efforts, I still ended up here.

I am sad, but hopeful for the future.

- TTM

This sounds a little familiar. My M wasn't a shotgun result of a pregnancy, but I look back and feel like the XW always had one foot out the door. From the beginning, she said that her parents stayed married for far long before they finally divorced. It seemed the lesson she learned from them was to identify the failed M as soon as possible and end it. My IC said her attitude is referred to as, "When in doubt, get the Hell out."


Can I offer an alternate POV? Despite, what happened in your marriage, you ended up here and came out a better person.

Edit: SERIOUSLY??? H-E-double toothpicks get's Teh Cenxor? Wow!

Thanks SB,

I like your point of view better. I am a better person for the effort, no doubt.

W called me last night to 'talk' so I went to talk with her, I had been at the bar and had a few drinks so I was kinda loose when I got there. She laid a bunch of crap on me about what she wanted, and that I was going to be served today. Blah, blah, blah.

Then she looked at me and said 'I'm done, I'm really done' like she had been thinking about reconciling. I looked at her square in the face and said, you must be kidding? Do you honesty think I'd take you back after how you've treated me? Are you serious?'

This felt so good, it was the first time, I can remember that I had the strength and confidence to make it clear to her that I was not available to her anymore.

We did end up fighting pretty badly, which hasn't happened really at all up to this point. I said a few things I regret. But I'm not going to beat myself up, I've done the very best I can to stay cool, and work through my resentments on my own. This time I slipped.

If I get served today, I'm going to fight her tooth and nail now to get a better deal, including 50% of the equity in our marital home.

I'll keep you all posted.

- TTM

Well this is strange. Yesterday came and went, and I wasn't served. At the end of the day I sent W and e-mail asking if she'd called it off, to which I got no reply.

Then this am, she actually had the audacity to ask me for more child support money. I smiled and said 'you still having me served?' To which she didn't answer, and I smiled and said, 'well then, no money.'

At this point, I've given all I can give, put up with her underhanded decisions to grab what she wants, with no concern for me.

I'm going to hire an attorney and make sure what we end up with is a fair deal.

I'm done being generous, and 'the nice guy'. I'm out for what's best for me period.

This is an uncomfortable place for me, but it's better than the alternative.

- TTM

Sounds like a probing attack...

TTM - All I can recommend is that you be Zen-like. The flexible reed that bends in the breeze but never really moves. She will tear around like a Tazmanian devil, making threats, making demands... She will do what she will do. At the end of the day, you can say to your kids and to yourself that you didn't call for the D. You didn't help it along. You didn't stand up for it. You stood up for the M until it was all over.

TTM,

I like your current attitude. I betting she's just been rattling her saber with the threat of you being served just to manipulate you into granting her her financial wishes. As you can see, it's a hollow threat made by a desperate manipulating woman. Consider those facts carefully in any future dealings with her.

At the time my XW announced the divorce, I cussed her soundly, but never have taken the opportunity to tell her off and to point out her obvious shortcomings. I admire you that you had that chance.

Gentlemen,

At this point, I really don't care whether she follows through or not on the threat to serve me. It makes little difference to me.

I've made the decision now, to go for what I want and what I believe is fair to me, and if it takes a lawyer to get it, well so be it.

SB, I like what you said. Zen like, a reed in the wind. She can blow me all she wants.

I'll admit I didn't pummel her with her shortcomings, but I let her know clearly, she's got a lot of responsibility in the failure of our M.

In a way, I felt a great sense of relief, that it was finally over, and I can move on with a clear mind.

I've already been on a few dates, and met some really nice women.

- TTM

Well I was served today. Actually it was kind of anti-climatic.

I feel fine, and I'm so happy I'm finally moving on with my life.

- TTM

(((TTM))) Better times ahead, my friend, better times ahead.

I sent W and e-mail saying that since she had decided to serve me with divorce papers, that I was no longer going to sign a separation agreement, and that I would demand an equal share of the marital assets. Previously I was going to give her the house and all the equity in it (close to 70k). I told her I would want 50% of the equity, and that I've not hired an attorney to represent me.

The next day I got this e-mail from her....

Over the years you have done many generous things for me and our family.

During the past couple of years while we have been struggling through the change in our marital status you have made repairs and improvements and assisted me with many things. At the time of the work I believe I have expressed my appreciation and thanks, I am sorry that you have not heard or felt this, so I will say it again. Thank you for your help. On several occasions I had felt as we were working together and was proud and happy for us of these accomplishments, I believe I understand that you need thanks for these times as well. Thank you for working with me on projects.

I am sorry that my pursuing the divorce is causing so much pain and anger. I am not doing this to hurt you, I am doing this because I need to end the drama and have not believed that you were truly interested or willing to follow through with the steps necessary to end our marriage.

I have not felt love and connection and trust for you on a deep and consistent level. I know that I will never give or receive the love to/from you that I want to give and receive. You deserve better than that and so do I. Also I believe that no amount of counseling will change this...understanding...I simply know that I cannot be with you. I do not hate you or judge you although I certainly have in the past, I am not now. I am sorry that you have felt this from me and that you are feeling this way now.

I will no longer allow you to speak to me in an angry mean spirited way and will continue to remove myself from the conversation, or demand that you remove yourself, if this happens again. Further, I will not speak with you if I suspect that you have been drinking. I say this due to a respect for the process that we are going through with the goals of peaceful cooperation in mind. I hope we can come to an equitable agreement that protects both of our abilities to care for our children and do this in a peaceful and cooperative way.

Again thank you for the times that you have helped me and I am sorry that I have hurt you. I hope we can start doing this better than we have been


This is pretty much the conversation I asked her to have with me before, when I said I would sign the LSA if she would talk with me. It was the next day that she filed for D.

And now she sends me this, the only thing I can make of it is manipulation. She might be thinking that if she's nice to me now, maybe I'll be nice to her through the D process?

I don't get it, then again, maybe she's feeling guilty for treating me so badly, and that's what this is about.

Who knows, who cares. I'm moving forward with the D proceedings now and going for what my attorney says is fair. I have a meeting with him tomorrow am.

- TTM

TTM - I seem to recall from your earlier thread last year that drinking might have been an issue in the marriage and that you went on the wagon. I understand from this thread that you are no longer totally abstaining and that perhaps you got a bit reactive with your STBXW after you'd had a few. She indicated in that email that the drinking is something of a problem for her. Is it possible that this is an issue for you?

SB,

It certainly was an issue that night I agree. I was upset about the whole situation and I was drinking with some friends before I came over to see her. No doubt it influenced my reactions.

Whether it's a problem for me in general is something I've looked at for myself and talked with many people about.

I think the answer is no, it's not a problem. Yes, I do enjoy having some drinks, but I don't get drunk, or drink to the point where I can't function, or do anything stupid.

I'll admit, I'm in a very stressful time right now, and I do tend to drink more frequently when under great stress.

I respect her concern, but I believe that's all it is, just a concern.

Thanks for asking the tough questions SB

- TTM

Okay TTM - I was just seeking a little clarity on the matter. Not drawing any conclusions - I hope that you see that.

From my own experience... After I came to realize that the D was inevitable and I had settled into the fact that my XW was going to be gone for me, the anger came rushing in like a tsunami. I had never hated someone so intensly before. I would fantasize in my mind about telling her off and letting her know just what a dispicable, lying, dishonest and selfish person I think she is. I wanted to lay down a litany of grievances against her and try to get her to own to more of the failure than just vague polemics.

I knew that this was an element of vulnerability for me. That by "letting her have it" I would have just been confirming in her mind who I was, and all the changes I was trying to make would have been for naught.

So except for a couple of little slips (when she had slipped as well), I have refrained from telling her off. I have especially avoided any and all contact when I'd had anything to drink.

I am going to ask you to reconsider engaging her any more if you'd had anything stronger than ginger ale from here forward. If your cycle goes anything like mine (and I think mine was typical), you might be approaching some stages of deep, deep anger.

My recommendation is to triple up on your efforts to be civil. You may be cold. You may be distant. You may even be totally dark. You don't have to be nice or friendly at all.

When dealing with her, try and be a robot. Logical, unemotional, and unconcerned for her and about her. And don't come near her if you've even so much as glanced at a bottle of booze.

My advice; worth every penny you paid for it.

TTM,

Actually I though the email from your STBXW was rather nice and without manipulation. She established a couple of boundaries. It will be hard for you to characterize to us your conversation with her in the bar versus what she thought of it, although one might infer that this was the incident that she also refers to you as being mean-spirited. I would send something of a very similar nature back to her stating your boundaries.

I drank quite a bit before and after the divorce. I do not recommend it as a coping mechanism. One thing I did learn is to never talk to a woman when my level of sobriety did not equal hers. This is a very good philosophy to follow.

I will concur with everything Dr. Seabird (honorary title bestowed upon him by me, it does not entitle him to practice in every state) said in his missive.

Thanks Dutch. I also like your point about matching sobriety. I think a good rule of thumb in general is:

"Never be the drunkest guy in the room."

Guys,

Thank you both so much for your words of wisdom. It means a great deal to me that you take the time to write and share.

SB, you are right on, I've never in my life felt the anger and hate I have felt in the past few weeks. It's definitely hard to deal with, and I am learning to release it in more constructive ways.

I have been drinking more than I'd like to admit, dealing with the loss and loneliness, but it hasn't affect my work, my dealings with the kids, or my life in a negative way at all. So I think I'm doing ok, I just have good and bad moments.

I'm certain she was referring to my outburst when she talked about being mean-spirited. I was mean to her, for maybe the first time ever.

I like you're idea about never being around her if I've been drinking, I think that's a great idea and I will stick to it, until our negotiations are done.

I'm ok, making some tough decisions for myself and my businesses right now. But all in all I feel like this process is cleaning up the messes I've made of things, both personally and in my business life.

I'll keep you guys posted as things unfold.

I hear genuine concern for me in your words, and I thank you for those.

- TTM

I'm glad to hear that you're working through and processing this stuff and recognizing the anger for what it is.

For me, it was betrayal. Even though she didn't cheat (that I could ever find anyway), I still felt betrayed and lied to. Up till that point, I was trying to shoulder all of the burden of the failed M. then suddenly, I came to realize her half of it and I got soooooooooo maaaaaaaaaaaad!!! And it was constant. Debilitating almost. It scared me to tell the truth.


One more point to make about this and then I'll quit wagging my finger at you - promise!

A couple of years ago, a bomb was dropped into the XW's family when we learned that her oldest sister's husband was an alcoholic, had been for years, and would be entering a treatment program mandated by his job. He was on the cusp of losing everything.

The XBIL is a really nice guy and seemed like a truly devoted H and father. He had a really good job and it seemed like he was well liked. It was a shock to hear that he was an alcoholic.

I expressed all of this to my IC last year and he nodded and said, "Yes. He is called a functioning alcoholic. Everything seems fine. Until it's not."

I am no expert and won't try and diagnose or assume anything. Just please be wary that you can't always use your current performance at work or with family and friends as a true litmus of your condition.

Okay, enough with the nagging from me.

Hey, I can tell you what not to do because I committed many errors along the way. It is only natural for people who do drink to turn somewhat to drink while they are going through one of the most stressful times in their lives. I'm not going to tell you not to drink. I laughed when the shrink told me that drinking reduces my seratonin levels. At the time if I would have quit drinking I would have needed some far more powerful drugs to get over the other issues affecting my life at the time. I'm not even going to preach about moderation. I will preach about not drinking and driving. Swallow your pride and call a friend or a cab if you're out and been drinking.

After a while, and that while is different for everyone, you will enter a more common pattern of life than you're in now. You don't have to prove anything to anyone else. You just have to prove it to yourself. You still have value and your life skill-set has not depreciated. There's a boatload of advice I can throw in there about how you won't be ready to date for a long time, etc. You will need to get yourself whole again by yourself and will need to learn both to self-sooth and self-validate. These are not natural skills for most. I had to learn them. Because of this and other things, including my renewed interest in both politics and religion (how's that for a restorative!), I am a better person than ever before, in fact, too good for most women (I'll burn for that one). I am for the most part happier as well. I try not to dwell on the past and what was but to instead live in the here and now and to not be so self-centered/absorbed that I miss the little things in life that abundantly surround us.

We are here for you.

Guys,

Today I feel lower than a snakes belly. I just feel like I'm lost, wandering around, like my life force and energy has been stolen from me.

Please tell me this won't last. I want so badly to talk with her, and fix this. I don't want to be alone, and right now, even though I've got some girls interested in me, I feel so alone.

I've felt so confident and strong before, and now I feel like crap. Maybe it's the meeting with attorney's and recognizing the finality of this.

To compound things, I've made a decision to close one of my businesses, and that decision is causing me to lose sleep. I know it's the right choice, but it sure hasn't been easy.

Tough days ahead....

- TTM