This is definitely premature (and a bit long), but I like to know these things ahead of time to sort of formulate a plan in my head.

Shortly after my D was final, I decided that I would try and start dating. Though the D was recent, my separation was fairly lengthy and including the "in-house separated and not speaking portion", it went on for nearly a year. The pining was gone and the anger had ebbed away as well. I felt surprisingly calm and whole and content. I thought that it would be nice to "get out there" and start meeting some people.

I figured that I would take it slow, meet several women and the process would take a long, long time. I put down a list of 10 fairly specific criteria that I sought in a potential date or match up. I won't list them here because I learned from experience, some of my preferences can and will rile a few people up.

I wasn't going to get involved with someone that I thought was merely attractive. Realistically I figured that if I could meet someone with 2 or 3 of those criteria, it would make for a fun date or two at least. If I met someone who matched up with 6 or 7 seven things, then there might be enough material for an exclusive dating arrangement. At least for a while.

Right away I met a woman who seemed to match up pretty well with most of my criteria. I was really alarmed and I questioned my methods. Perhaps my criteria were just way too easy. Perhaps I was seeing elements in her that weren't really there in order to force a match. So while she and I merely spoke on the phone and emailed, I continued to meet with and speak to other women. (I was doing the on-line thing btw.) None of them interested me as much as she did. I liken it to a combination of using all the communication and relationship skills I learned over the last year, and just plain dumb luck. Sometimes the thing you're trying to find is in the last place you look. Sometimes it's in the first place.

Eventually we went out and right away I knew that I liked her and I felt comfortable around her. We have so much in common and I didn't realize just how much of myself I had given up for my XW in order to make that marriage work. Now, before you say it, I know this sounds dangerously like Way Speak; a desire to rationalize something that shouldn't be. In a perfect world, I still feel like I could have made the M work if the XW had been willing to try as well. No R is perfect and they all require work and some sacrifice. I also learned something about the nature of love and that we fall into it for different reasons. I came to realize that I fell in love with my XW because she said that she wouldn't ever leave me. For a man who was used to being left in most of his other relationships, she made me feel "safe".

This time is different for me because I know that I don't need to find safety in anybody else. My interest in the GF is based on who she is. Not in how she makes me feel about myself. She actually exceeds my criteria list and brings some bonus traits to the R that I didn't initially require.

So the long and the short of it is, we have been dating for a little over 3 months now. We're exclusive, and we both talk about future events. Not marriage or anything like that - LOL! But stuff we want to do next month, or this fall, etc... In other words, I still expect her to be around in another 3 months.

I have a firm boundary of 6 months before I introduce her to my kids (puts us in August), and even then, it will be a very, very gradual process. Perhaps a quick intro while she comes by to pick me up and I leave the kids with a babysitter for a couple of hours. I'm not going to rush us all off to Disney or anything. My main concern is for my kids, but I also want to protect the GF. I specifically told her that I'm not looking for a mom for my kids (they have one) or a parenting partner to help me out. All I ask is that she be friendly and interested when that time comes.

All of this I am getting worked out in my head. The question for me now is, how should I broach it with the XW? Or should I even bother? Do I give her a heads-up that I will be introducing the kids to someone in my life? I don't want to appear as though I'm rubbing her nose in anything. I just don't want her to think that I'm dragging a different flavor of the month into our kids' lives every few weeks. My desire is to keep the peace. If I don't tell her, the kids will report back and she will be left to make her own conclusions. I don't think she'll be petty or vindictive and jealous. She was the one who left me after all... But she might try and assume the worst w/re to my motivations and intentions and cause a ruckus as a result. This is all very pre-active and assumptive, I know.

Oh, and for the record, as part of the decree, neither one of us is allowed to have an unmarried, non-family member of the opposite sex in our homes with the kids overnight, so that is NOT an issue.

Edited for clarity...

My vote is to not tell the XW anything and save yourself the drama. What can the XW do for the children in this scenario that you cannot?

I would tell her, it's a common courtesy and will be a good co-parenting tactic. Wouldn't you want the same in return?


Huh? So if an unmarried sister/cousin visits you, that's forbidden? You need to get married to someone before they can spend the night with you and the kids? Is this just for the nearterm, or till the kids are 18?

AGG

Sorry, I left out the part about non-family members. Of course it's not an issue for siblings, cousins, etc... Otherwise, the decree is a hard line until either the children are 18, or we seek modification.

Wow, that still sounds draconian. But if that's what you both want, so be it .

AGG

I actually asked for the stipulation. Bear in mind that I never really did get a good explanation from the XW about why she was leaving. All I ever heard was that we're "just too different" and "we don't compliment one another" and that she hasn't been happy "for years". I dug and dug and dug and looked for evidence of an A but I couldn't ever find it (and I used to be a PI). Eventually, most people here were convinced that there wasn't one after-all, and I came to mostly believe that too. The stipulation was my insurance that if there was/is an OM, his exposure to the kids would be as limited as possible.

It's actually very common down here in Texas. My attorney didn't balk when I asked to have it added and he assured me that people do it all the time. Frankly, I think it's a very good way to protect the kids.

I agree with AGG: "I would tell her, it's a common courtesy and will be a good co-parenting tactic. Wouldn't you want the same in return?"

That overnight statement in the decree wouldn't fly in my state. I asked. My X immediately moved a gay male employee of his into the home with my children. This man had never even been a guest in our home and now he is living & sharing a bathroom with my two young daughters. And the lawyers said there was nothing I could do. Did I mention he also gave him use of a truck for the last 5 years? Yet X has a girlfriend for the last 5 years. Hmmm. This can't be rationally explained. And no, I was certainly not told of this arrangement in advance, nor of the girlfriend.

Okay. I certainly understand the logic that it's a courtesy, and one that should eventually come back to me once she's ready to introduce someone to the kids on her end.

For all I know, she may beat me to it. I have no idea if she's dating or not and what boundary, if any, she might have in place w/re to introducing the kids.

The GF and I only just introduced our dogs to each other on Monday.

I've heard that a relationship can't continue if the dogs don't get along. So did they?

I also wouldn't tell your XW until just after you pick up the kids for the intro. The less time she has to think about it the better.

I think it was about 5 months before I introduced M to my girls. I told them I was dating after, oh, 4 months. Then, we had him over for dinner. I didn't want to do the picking up for a date because I didn't want the girls first impression to be that I was leaving them to spend time with him. That was in March. That Labor Day we went to M's place at the beach for a long weekend. Boy, was I nervous. It worked out pretty well in the end.

my exbf had that in his divorce as well. my ex never would have signed any papers that said that. if that were the case, my ex never would have had overnights with the kids for the last 3 years since he lives(d) with ow. so, exbf and i went out for a year and a half and i could never go down there and see him when he had his dd because of that in his divorce unless i wanted to stay in a hotel.

it has it's pros and cons.

so i assume the other woman you were dating a while back is not this one seabird? this is a new one?

i did not introduce my kids for a year. partly because we were ldr. AND i really wanted to be sure. 3 months is a drop in the bucket. of course it looks like she will be in the picture for a long time right now because it is still that gooey honeymoon phase. i would wait at least 6 months before intros. i waited a year and or more to be sure, and things still didn't work out between us, but i was glad i waited that long.

mlhb

Heh... Mostly - it was kind of funny. My lab mix tolerated him until he got too close to either J or me. Then she'd hide behind me and give him little growls and yips and show her teeth. It was really odd because she's not usually an aggressive dog and I'd never seen her like that before. I think she was trying to be protective and didn't understand that Slim (the GF's dog) belonged to her. He is a big sissy and would try to hide behind the GF which only made the lab madder.

The beagle mix was just the opposite. She lfollowed him everywhere like a love-sick teenager. When he finally relaxed and laid down on the couch, she had to lay down on the floor right under him.

I think the lab just needs a little more time and exposure to get to know him.

Green - Good idea about waiting until the last second to say anything. I might actually wait until just after. As long as I tell her before the kids do. Also, interesting perspective on the impression of you leaving them with him. I hadn't considered that and I will think about that a little more.

mlhb - Like I said, 6 mos is a firm boundary.

Seabird,

I also have that clause in my agreement. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, except what happens if someone breaks it? ExH moved OW into his house before our D was final and there wasn't much I could do about it. I could've sued for full custody (we have joint and kids live w/me) but that would have cost more time and $$ w/the attorney.

I don't break the agreement because personally, I don't feel comfortable sleeping w/my BF when the kids are around.

As for telling your ex, I think you should wait until August. I didn't tell XH about BF (XH and OW were already married when we started dating). I've never said anything about it at all but XH does know.

It seems the bigger deal you make of it, the bigger deal she's going to think it is. Also, if you tell her now, it may really look like some form of one upsmanship.

Oh, and be careful about waiting too long. I was going to wait until longer, but if I did, and he and the kids didn't like each other we'd have had broken hearts on top of everything.

It is very enforceable, and I can sue for all kinds of modifications to the decree if she breaks it. Texas is not a dad friendly state, but she risks losing primary custody and the CS if she violates the decree.


Agreed.


I think you might have misunderstood what I'm asking here. I am NOT going to intro the kids before August. Period. I am asking if and how I should broach the subject with the XW when that time comes.

when and if the times comes seabird, i would just say it very casually if at all.

i don't think it is really anything she needs to know too much about.

i am sure when my ex gets a new gf he probably won't even tell me. come to think of it, i don't think i even told my ex i had a bf until it came the time he was going to come up here to meet them. i just told him what week i wanted off with the kids so that they could meet. that was it. nothing more.

mlhb

Right, I think we are talking about whether to tell the ex when the kids are about to meet the new GF, not just to announce that he has a GF. The latter would seem like boasting/one-upsmanship; the former common courtesy.

AGG

Seabird, I understood your question.

AGG,considering that at this point they have only been dating a couple of months, it seems to make sense just to wait until meeting actually takes place before XW needs to hear about it.

But, I am inexperienced at this stuff.

I agree. What I was wondering was if I should say anything to her and if so, how. I wouldn't say anything to her now. If I did tell her before she met the kids, it would be like the day before.

I have no intention of saying anything now or before the 6 month mark.

Green - I hear you on your second point about waiting too long. It's a valid concern and illustrates a fine line of how many hearts lay in the balance. My kids' well-being will come first though, as painful as that may be for the GF and I, and I think she understands that too.

So do I .

Seabird's original question was that WHEN the kids are about to meet GF, should he or should he not tell the XW. I said he should. I did not say that he should tell NOW, when the kids/GF meeting may still be months away. I said WHEN the time comes to meet, the XW should be told ahead of time. Sorry if I made it more confusing than it should be .

AGG