AMEN

It's easy to say "if it were me..."
And it's not always accurate, but I'm going to say it anyway.

Is this worth worrying about? I think if it were me.....

"If you want to come by, let me know the time,and I'll try to be here. If you don't want to come by, that's OK." And I think I would just go on with my business.

You're showing him that you're not going to beg for him to come back to you.

I don't know if this is showing him anything. I doubt if he is paying attention. More likely, he is thinking about what he wants to say/do, and wondering how to get her to agree to what he wants.
This is not a comment on Mimi's statement so much as it is a comment on his (likely) state of mind.

It seems like he is off in his own little world, and not very likely to "get it."

CC, you know him best. What do you think?

Thread Jack -
Hi Mimi !! I hope you are well. What are those sons of yours doing now days?

Back to CC's topic.

I would tend to let him worry about it until he arrived and started talking.

SS

It seems to me to be a power struggle. The nice thing about power struggles is that you can simply decide to not participate. Let him contact you if he still wants to talk wth you.
Cherishing

Still, I LIKE THIS!!


I AGREE. He's PLOTTING. He should know better..dealing with OUR CC!!


I'm doing GREAT!! Our sons are doing WELL, too..but THEY stay HEAVY on MY HEART!! Out of SIGHT but not out of MIND. THANKS FOR ASKING!! I hope you and yours are FANTASTIC, too....

I like you answer SS! much more elegant than my last one, so I'll keep it in case there are any more communications. It's also a way of NOT participating in the power struggle, the drama they seem to love to act out.

I was out this afternoon until past midnight! Sometimes I'm busy but no gentlemen callers yet!

I was out this afternoon until past midnight! Sometimes I'm busy but no gentlemen callers yet!

Are you expecting gentlemen callers?
Did I miss something?


CC, one of my hobbies is watching people. Divorce is so hard. You are already living as such in many ways, and you know even better than I what is meant by this. It seems to be easier with children, still at home because you have a place to concentrate your energy.
(I am speaking about being lonely, and having a changed social life.) It can be easier when your job is challenging and exciting.

It can be easier if you have dreams and are working on having them come true.

Helping others and taking care of their needs (like your elderly friend) makes it easier. We tend to forget about ourselves, and concentrate on other things.

I know you have bad days. I can see from your comments lately that you also have good ones. I am so glad you try to look for the good as much as you can. I don't know if that is outward only or if it is inward as well. I hope it is both.


I started this post intending to ask if anything had changed. You would have probably posted already if he had contacted you.
So, I would guess nothing else has happened.

Hope you don't mind the additional comments.

SS

He didn't turn up at 6 pm and at 7:45 sent an e mail saying that he really preferred we meet somewhere outside our homes or workplaces because he thinks that DDs get nervous. So I e mailed back that I didn't understand why he says that. he hasn't answered but I really feel like telling him it's his chance to show DDs that we can talk in a civilized manner and solve whatever money problems there are, after all I've never complained or made problems...

we'll see what he says.

I don't mind the questions. I am naturally optimistic inside and outside but some days everything seems to be against a good attitude. yes, job is boring, barely existant I would say, but it could change any moment, for the better or for the worse.

my only dreams are of really having some control over my life. I want to be free and start again!

I'm so sorry that your job is boring. You are a bright and talented woman, and it is a shame that you are stuck in a country that has so many problems.

But I hope you will continue doing what you can.

Whether you end up divorced, or recover your marriage, the future is bright for you. Your daughters will marry and you will have grandkids. What a pleasure!!!!!! Much more fun than raising your own kids.

I'm still of the opinion that your husband will return, and that is mainly influenced by the folks I know in Mexico. I don't know if it is the same in your country, but the hispanic macho thing is to have a wife and a mistress, but always ends up with the wife. I've seen that over and over and over.

But you will be fine either way.

Thanks for your optimism, Believer. I know I will be fine, when I get out of this uncertain situation. Once I can control my own life as much as is controllable.

I can imagine that grandchildren are more fun than children! I'm looking forward to that day but it's still in the futur.

You know I hae 6 siblings and of the 5 eldest, 4 have gone to live in USA, only I stayed. And in spite of everything I've never regretted it. My youngest brothers were 1 and 3 when we came back to live in this country so it's as if they had been born here and lived here all their lives. And yet, one of them is thinking of leaving...

yes it is a third world country. One of our seaside resorts is now on Lonely Planet's top ten cities to visit this year according to this sunday's Washington Post! so for some it's not such a bad third world country.

Well, I'm an idealistic sort of person. I think people should stay in their own country and do what they can to change things.

I think you remember that my roommates are from Mexico. They are doing fine, supporting families and young adults at home. One has 2 kids in college - one studying nursing and the other medicine. The other has 2 in college, one an engineer and the other a teacher.

So bit by bit, I am hopeful for the future. The world is a small place now, and with computers and the age of information, we will either all thrive together or fall together.

Don't you think that this is WAYWARD BULLCRAP? Why would your daughters get NERVOUS? You know him best but I probably WOULDN'T have asked him WHY he said it. I probably would have said: "This is OUR home. We can meet here. There's no reason for them to be nervous."...or something matter of factly. I think he's convincing himself that you will be UPSET if he says that he wants a DIVORCE....COWARD...is what he is...My opinion...

I completely agree with you Mimi: it's pure cowardice!

after sleeping on it I have decided I will propose next monday at home again. The e mail he sent was in a totally different tone and although he did not say anything about not having come he wasn't demanding either. Si I'll give it a try and see what he says. we have several days to discuss it. Ridiculous, but I refuse to meet him in public, it is even more ridiculous.

Who is this guy?

He didn't turn up at 6 pm and at 7:45 sent an e mail saying that he really preferred we meet somewhere outside our homes or workplaces because he thinks that DDs get nervous. So I e mailed back that I didn't understand why he says that. he hasn't answered but I really feel like telling him it's his chance to show DDs that we can talk in a civilized manner and solve whatever money problems there are, after all I've never complained or made problems...

we'll see what he says.

When I am speaking with someone who I usually see eye to eye with, and with whom I can have a logical conversation, I often give my reasons. When speaking with someone who I often disagree
with, I often don't give any reason at all for my decisions. I just state my position.

My response may have been similar to this:

"Meeting somewhere else doesn't work for me. If you are willing to meet at home, let me know, but if not, I can respect your position.
Love CC."
(I added that last line in just for fun.)


Often we get questions about our position -

WH - "Why won't you meet me in a public place?"

CC - "I don't feel like doing it that way."

WH - "You are not making sense to me."

CC - "You don't make much sense to me either."

I tend to stay away from saying anything that can be used as the basis for an argument. Feelings are feelings. Not much can be said about them. Someone can call you names, and say you are stupid, but so what?



I don't mind the questions. I am naturally optimistic inside and outside but some days everything seems to be against a good attitude. yes, job is boring, barely existant I would say, but it could change any moment, for the better or for the worse.

My only dreams are of really having some control over my life. I want to be free and start again!


When I pray for you, I often ask God to help you be happy from day to day, and to give you direction, so you will know what you ought to do. I am sure that if you know what God wants you to do, you will do it as well as you possibly can.

As far as control of your life. It must be difficult to put things on hold waiting to see what he will do. You don't feel tied to him, but you don't feel free either. It is difficult to live in limbo.

I don't know if any of us get to do all that we would like to do. I suspect that seldom happens. (I know this is not what you mean, I bring it up for the purpose of discussion.)

The trick for (happiness) for me, is to do the best I can each day to serve God and my fellow men. Being happy, and having fun are two different things. Fun is so short term, but one can be happy even in the midst of problems if God is in your heart, and if you are doing the best you can.

Isn't it wonderful to be on earth, and have the chance to learn, and grow, and develop our faith, and our talents?

And yes, lets see what he says. Please understand that I give suggestions in the hope that something said may be useful, but you should always say what feels best to you. Suggestions are just suggestions.

SS

I like this. It seems easier to see clearly some else's position than your own!

It's hard to believe that the person you married for life has actually changed all their values and basically is out to hurt, you isn't it? I've done everything advised here, plan A, plan B very well, and yet there has apparently not been much of a response.
I am not over him, and that can be explained by what Dr. Harley says, to let go you actually need God's grace.Just get over it already ! doesn't seem to work.

At this point this limbo situation I think has tired me out, I just want to get it all over with, be really able to have a life independent of WH and what he might do. that's part of the reason why I don't want to live with my DDs, so that I am not dependent on him because of them.

This evening when I come back from mass I'll write him a e mail to arrange for a meeting here at home next monday, using your sentence and a couple more...

My husband used to be in sales, and he said that -- after you ask for the sale -- you remain silent, no matter how long you have to wait. You wait for the prospect to say something.

That reminds me of the situation you are in. It sounds to me like you sent the last email. Wait for him to respond. He wants to meet in public, and you don't. Whether the meeting is next Monday or another day is beside the point.

Cherishing

Whether the meeting is next Monday or another day is beside the point.

True - it has not even been established that there even WILL be a meeting.

Throwing out dates and times shows him you WANT to meet. It may give him leverage.

Telling him it doesn't work, but to contact you if he changes his mind about the meeting place puts it back to him to agree to your terms. If he does agree, the date and time can be arranged later.

When Negotiations are not friendly, never give more information away than you have to.

CC, you are a lot like my W.
I won't go into detail, but this is meant to be a compliment.

SS

Thanks for the great advice! I am so patient lately that I haven't done ANYTHING yet, more tha 24 hours since the last communication.

And SS, thanks for the compliment. I actually feel like a wimp, and I'm sure many think I am a wimp because I refuse to talk to WH.

When I read about plan B I was soooooooooo relieved that what I wanted, not to have to see or talk to WH, was actually part of a plan recommended by Harley, I couldnt believe it.

Because I know I am sort of a conflict avoider but on the other hand I know that I will stand my ground when I have to. And I refuse to meet in a public place!

update: after 2 days WH has finally answered that he will come to the house on monday to talk.

We won

CC, Congratulations.

Mimi has spoken of you to me often in how you have handled yourself through this time. She admires you a great deal and I haven't read much of your story, is there a link where I can?

I wish you the best and am happy that you won. May we all be there in spirit for support.

Thanks Queenie.

MB is great support. Mimi was my mentor. Unfortunately things didn't work out as we would have liked....


We haven't really won much, but at least we didn't give in to WH! who is still VERY wayward.