I whole heartedly agree!!
Thank you so much for the advice.

Ever see the picture that shows the differences between men and women? This is where you have two devices shown, one with a simple on/off switch meant to represent a guy and the other one with multiple switches, dials and displays completely covering what looks like an electrical panel, meant to represent women. In other words, women are complex and men are simple.

Now it is that BOB devices come in a splendid array of size, shapes and purposes, each calculated to, er, impact on one or more erogenous zones. You can buy them at adult stores, semi-adult stores that cater to women, online and even through home sales parties kinda like those where you buy Tupperware. No, I am not kidding. A small town in Texas arrested a man and women hosting such a party a few years ago for lewd conduct.

Online, they are shipped in the usual plain wrapper from such anonymous sources as Ergo Enterprises (I made up the name) so you are safe unless the mailman (mail woman) shops at the same place. The devices are so ubiquitous that I even saw one in a Dollar store the other day, made out to look like a dog robot. Hey, it vibrates, so there you go. There are even web sites that can teach you how to use the various devices. Literally, you can find opinion and good/bad, correct/false instruction on just about any subject online.

Warning: The devices purpose built are often NOT cheap and can cost anywhere from $20 to over a hundred. The ones like the robot dog don't cost much and might be a good start for you; try WalMart and without asking the clerks, hunt around for vibrators. Further, much like porn for men, those devices can have a negative effect on the intimacy of a relationship. On the other hand, you don't have much of an intimate relationship anyway, so what the heck.

Since I am married to a woman who is in the same profession as Nurse thnd, I can attest to their level of knowledge on a whole range of things female. I can only speculate about what discussions several of them might have on a slow night in an L&D ward as they seek to expand their professional knowledge base, er, hack, cough. So do listen to her.

And as a guy, let me comment that being alone is sometimes better than who you are with.

Larry

PS BOB derives from BYOB as in Bring Your Own Bottle.

As a woman who has experimented with many different styles of BOB (I'm not sure why I'm saying this other than that another woman needs the information and I can help), I would recommend something simple.

There is something called a "bullet." It is the basis for most vibrators (the inside part that vibrates).

There are lots of fancy things that cost lots of money, but the bullet is versatile and easy to experiment with. It has a dial on the bottom that increases vibration so you can "dial in" the level of stimulation you want. It is meant for outside stimulation (not to recreate penetration).

If you don't like the bullet (it really looks like a bullet and is only about the size of your finger), I would suggest a simple vibrating dildo (nothing with extra parts, lots of buttons, etc...).

You also need to buy lube (I like "Gun Oil") and toy cleaner (although soap and water work, toy cleaner is easier and many toys aren't waterproof). All in all, I would expect to spend about $40.

Hope this is helpful (as it was a bit embarrassing to admit my level of knowledge...but it's for a good cause). My H and I use toys together because as someone mentioned above, it is challenging for a woman to reach orgasm simply with intercourse.

While I realize that in all likelihood, this marriage can't be saved and maybe even shouldn't be. However, I want to be able to say that I did everything I possibly could. I know that I have things I really need to work on. I have always been extremely quiet in the bedroom. I have trouble discussing things and my husband does too. I need to address that with him. See if it might make a difference.

OK. Have you ever watched porn?

So much of what your describing is what a man expects when he's been trained to think real women should be like porn actresses. This has nothing to do with your lack of "o"ing..It's on him.

Do you know why he has ED? Is it really due to age? You do know men who have too many visits with Rosey Palmer also get ED and other assorted problems.

Yes, you need to know how to take care of yourself.

But, think about this if you get too accustomed to taking care of yourself, you won't want to go to him for SF, either.

And also consider you maybe like myself. We are in a challenging spot in our marriage right now..At times, his touch literally hurts me. I also need like a half hour of foreplay before I'm ready for him to touch me. I also need to hear him tell me he loves me when we are DTD. I never used to be like that..I used to be a "wham, bam" sort of girl. So sure, a BOB may help, but it's not going to make our marriage better, which will in turn make our SF better. Getting myself off with a BOB isn't going to make me learn to trust my husband again.

Ooohhhhhh! My wife's is named [censored], not Bob.

This is true, and making SF better between my husband & me won't make me trust him again, but it's a start. The trust issue will take time, lots of time. I just have to have a starting point. My husband is going to be 60 in Oct so, yes, I do believe that mostly his ED is age.

Thank you very much, it's embarrassing for me as well to admit how very little I know

So I tried to talk to my H again tonight. Asked him about discussing the EN questionnaire if he didn't want to fill it out. He said that we've already discussed everything in it before and that this forum and everyone one on it is a fantasy. Like World of Warcraft and other online games and the communities they contain. Said the "Real World" is out here not online. Tomorrow is Friday, is he just distancing himself from me so he can go play?

Mum. . .


Sorry, that isn't totally accurate and the "assorted problems" leads to speculation about who knows what that may or may not be relative. It is true that males can desensitise their equipment through frequent recourse, but I know of no other physical side effect.

Phosphodiesterase (PDE) inhibitors, which work to enhance the effects of nitric oxide - there are three on the market - will usually take care of any ED problems, but if frequent recourse has desensitised the equipment, there may be issues with finishing.

Now up in the head, it is a different story. Guys who are addicted to porn, prostitutes or whatever have issues with real intimacy. Emotionally this is in the same category as BOB for the opposite sex.

Larry

I agree. No, I don't just agree, I challenge anyone to disagree because Mum is spot on correct.


Smoke blowing. This is a case of willful and intentional ignorance. Ignorance, unlike stupid, can be fixed, but not if it is intentional.

Larry

I don't want to give up but if he's not willing to work on things, I don't know how much more I can do. This is tearing me up and now it's Friday again and I'm at work and he's home. It drives me crazy wondering what he's doing. Makes it really hard to concentrate on my work.

You and him are not well matched. If he wanted a great experianced lover you two could have learned to make good love together. The more experianced one teaches the shyer one.

Do you want to learn to be a great lover? Or is it too late with this particular man you have now?

What happened that he did not think to teach you how to make love with him, you know:

1. What feels good to him
2. what you could say
3. Where to touch him and how
4. How to moan in pleasure
5. you teach him how to pleasure you also
6. You both experiment getting each other excited

Whatever happened to your guys lovemaking to make it so very bad?

I think mostly it was the ED. He was very self conscious about it. Then he got the Viagra and things started to get better but at that time I was living on the other side of the state from him. We had a long distance relationship for over a year before I was able to move. Then my job put us on opposite shifts. When we got married and I finally got a day shift things just never got better.

I am sorry, I just realized you were 50 an he is 60. People tend to look at sex differently at those ages.

Have you tried sexual variety? Like hands, oral, etc? Do you guys know how to please one another in bed? Does he try or has he tried to please you in bed and help you orgasm?

I truly enjoy giving him oral and I do it often. I think he likes that more than anything and I'm sure that's what he does with escorts. Even with the Viagra he has a lot of trouble so I kind of doubt that he's doing anything else. As for him giving me oral, not since the wedding. And that Sucks! I don't know if he just figures that since I never have had an O that I never will or what. He doesn't try and he won't discuss it. Maybe it is a lost cause.

"I don't want to give up but if he's not willing to work on things"

What things is he not willing to work on? Please list them so we can help.

It helps to learn to O by yourself whatever that takes.

I would forget asking him to fill out the EN questionaire himself, in writing. Verbally and nicely ask him some of the questions on there, that is what I did with my husband. They(some men) seem to respond better. Many men won't put things in writing. so why force him to write it.

Sometimes you know your husband better than you think you do. What I did was I filled out the questionaire myself, as if I were him. Then, every nite for a while i would ask him about one area that was on the questionaire to see if I got his needs right. I would not tell him these questions of MINE were off the questionaire. I just told him I wanted to see if I was meeting his TRUE needs and that I really wanted to please him in our marriage.

It was great, I got my answers that way. The few EN's I was wrong on I was able to change. In our marriage.

The best BOB I ever had is the Pocket Rocket. Wow, tiny but packs a punch. You have to learn to use it on the right area and with panties on is great because it is so powerful. Get one, you will see.

Training yourself to orgasm might be too little too late, especially if he does not like foreplay much. You will have to train him to do good foreplay. Could you teach him in bed and ask for what you want from him in bed or do you say nothing?

Another thing I did that really enhanced our sex life (my H has some ED also...he is 54) is I bought a couple BOB's. And I asked my H to go with me online and pick one out for me. He really got a thrill out of that.

Then, in bed sometimes, I would hand him one of the BOB's. WOW! He could use it on me and I would be so excited and moan with pleasure. It is fantastic when we use the BOB's. I ask my husband to use the BOB on ME FIRST. Then, he is excited and ready for HIS orgasm.

Before giving up your marriage, if your cheaterman is worth it, try these things, what have you got to lose:

1. Teach yourself how to O by hand and by a good BOB
2. Then, in bed with your H, ask him to pleasure you FIRST.
3. Hand him a BOB to pleasure you with, he will be pleased.
4. By then, after you are pleasured (to an O, hopefully) your husband will be excited and ready to have HIS pleasure time.

5. Then you pleasure him.


Try this and see if it makes any difference in your marriage.

1.

When I say that he's not willing to work on things I mean he won't talk about things with me. I haven't told him that I know about the escort. I've asked him to talk to me about how to improve our marriage. His answer was "I'm not looking to change anything". He's not the one that's unhappy so he doesn't see that anything needs to get better. I've tried to talk to him about his likes, dislikes, things I could better in the bedroom but he won't talk about it. Other than to say that I don't get off and that's most of the fun.