You guys have my head spinning.

Lots of options have been suggested. Tell her "either stay home or I will divorce you", Keep plan Aing, Tell her to go to the apartment to have her independence and hope she doesn't call my bluff....

We did speak more about it last night. She says that she just wants to be alone for awhile. So if she wants to go to a movie then she doesn't have to ask or go to a baseball game with some friends then she can go with asking. I said so you want to be divorced then. I said if that's what you want then we can move towards that. When one gets married it's not about the individual anymore it's about the married couple. She said well I will get over this urge to be independent. It's just a phase. I know in her mind that she thinks this urge will never go away. That's how it was left.

She has been wanting me to look up her old emails to see how unhappy she has been and how long. I found a couple. It was about her not being important, her doing most of the work around the house, being roommates, having separate lives, etc... The same thing she has been saying for the last couple months. It did hit me hard that I have been not meeting her needs for so long. I told her that I was sorry that I didn't realize for so long. Her mood totally changed. She said she had made some mistakes and we just have to work through them. She said nobody told us taught us how to be married so we are going to make mistakes. I got some SF and we went to bed.

So getting back to all the options that have been suggested.
- if she wants to go the apartment then threaten divorce
I think it is too early for divorce. I have told her that I don't agree with it and the reasons why I don't agree with it.
- Keep to Plan A
It is very early in the dance(1 month) and she hasn't even gone through withdrawal. I know she still may be underground but I will find out in time. Plan A is supposed to last awhile and I will work on being a better husband and person.
- Tell her to go the apartment and see what independence is really about.
I kind of like that idea but I just can't do that to my kids.

MyRev,
I did look into the source of your quotes. I will spend some time over there to get some more of your perspective.

familyman,

I can relate to what your wife showed you in her old emails. That was very much my story - I found my wife had a secret email account, guessed the password, and read her emails. I found that for years, she had been unhappy - and talking to her friends about it. That included a former boyfriend, and I found evidence in her email that she had at least considered having an affair with him.

You said

That was my exact reaction when I read my wife's email. My first impulse wasn't to kick her to the curb, or even to get angry - it was to realize that I had failed her for a long, long time.

I saw where I had failed her, and changed my ways, and we rebuilt the love we had for each other very quickly. Since there was no affair, we didn't have to contend with withdrawal or any of that. But, if my wife had gone over the edge like your wife had, I would have been in a very similar spot to where you are now.

This is what I meant by not dismissing what she is telling you. Don't ignore what she is saying, because I think she really yearns to be heard.


I would agree with you 100% on this. If you don't want a divorce right now, don't threaten one.


I agree with this. It takes a long time to work through the issues around an affair - and you know you can't expect her to turn completely around within the space of a month.


Hang in there... I think your instincts are good.