In rereading some prior info on the thread...oh ok, your S is from previous M. You make sole decisions for him. I was seeing hypocrisy in how you and your Ex dealt with both children. But it's really two different situations by circumstance. Becoming a little clearer now....

My updated take on it: I still think your Ex's wishes concerning rewording must be considered. And this is because ultimately, it paves the way for better communication between your Ex and daughter. She can vent to you, she can write anything in a diary. But it's become a respect thing - your Ex's request for rewording. If you're going to let the "go away" stick, maybe your D could expand on what the real problem is, something like "I wish she would just go away. Dad hasn't spent much one-on-one time with me anyway, I am afraid now it won't happen at all." Might he respond better when the problem and fix-it are clear? Maybe an email directly to him.

When my Ex remarried - to a woman he met online 2,000 miles away; flew to meet her IRL in late Nov, STAYED, and by that very next Jan had filed for bankruptcy (on our debts that by separation agreement he was to pay!) and MARRIED her. Obviously my Ds weren't thrilled. Beyond that, they weren't even considered at all or a part OF the ceremony. Her children were present. Wow, huh. I remember thinking at the time, so Ex, guess you won't be picking them up for the next weekend visitation??? Nice of you tell us.....

Okay, so there is the inappropriateness factor (OW stuff, not to mention the speed) to consider with your Ex's upcoming nuptial. Awful. Do you take a "stand" in allowing your D to NOT attend? Do you encourage her to attend? Might want to consider how to make the event fun for her? Dress up time, receptions can be fun. Have they indicated if they want her to play a role IN the ceremony? That could be neat and memorable. Told you where I'm coming from - at least they WANT her there! You'd have a different set, or certainly more, of your D's pained feelings to contend with if she wasn't even invited. What about gift ideas, something you and she could make for her dad together, taking the opportunity for another bonding memory (for you two).

Your D may regret her decision later to not attend. She will have added more bricks to the wall, and may experience guilt from that...she can't foresee that since she is so young.

I agree! That's why I said that this is a question of extent - clearly a parent should not do whatever the child demands, but IMO, a parent should let the child know that the child is heard, valued, and taken into consideration.

So yes, in a situation like you describe with your stepkids, I would not suggest that you build a room for the daughter, if that is what it takes for her to have her own room. Nor should you go to five star hotels or live the Disneyland dad lifestyle just because a child demands it. I wouldn't go along with that either.

Perhaps I am sheltered because I have not had my kids express demands like this, so I find it easier to go along with their wants. Their wants are usually along the lines of "Daddy, can we go to Target today because I'd like to get a new tank top", or "Can we go see the new Indiana Jones movie". I don't consider agreeing to do such things to be "giving in", so that is my perspective. I can see how our perspectives are probably different given how different our kids' "demands" are.

My understanding is that Ronda's daughter is not demanding 5 star hotels or similar stuff; she wants to have some quality time with her dad. She does not feel that she is getting that time with her dad, especially with him being involved with the OW. Maybe I am wrong, but this is what I am perceiving. Now, I agree, I would not expect her dad to not marry the OW just because the daughter does not want him to. But, I am getting the impression that there is more to this than the marriage, that the daughter is crying out for attention and relevance, and is not getting that from her dad.

Again, he does not have to give her the attention, it is his choice on how to parent. My only point was that if he did not want to give love, attention, and validation to his daughter, why the heck did he have her?

AGG

PS. Hey Laura!!

Allurin,

I would delete your daughter's post about the OW. This isn't about your daughter expressing a private opinion privately. She's essentially plastered a billboard with her innocent opinion on a very mature situation. I know little about MySpace. But assuming you can limit access to "invite only" you've still got old classmates, far away relatives and more.

My mother gave me some good advice: Never send a letter you don't want on the front page of the newspaper. I've also heard "Never send a letter, and never throw one away."

Unfortunately, in the world we live, everything we put on line may be discoverable. The words she writes now, the feelings and opinions she shares online may be accessable to her future employers, a disgruntled ex-boyfriend, a catty girl in school.

I certainly wouldn't want my diary from when I was 11 or even 15 to be available to someone now.

Please reconsider for the sake of your daughter's long-term interests.

PS: If her dad is a disaster as a father, there's still hope. My dad was the pits, stopping short of physical abuse. And, true, I went through a very promiscuous phase around 19-22.

However, there were some good men in my life. An 8th grade social studies teacher who looked out for me and my sister. An old farmer. A dead grandfather. And a friend's father.

AGG;



That's part of it, my h shows those things. In counseling she agreed he was hearing her, valuing her opinion and took her feelings into consideration. However, as soon as she was out of the counseling office she's screaming to her mom he's not. The counselor wasn't allowing her to manipulate or guilt, her mom does.


Whats interesting is my daughters stopped doing it after watching SD in action, and I was able to sit down and explain how they did the same and gave examples. They apologized to their dad. I even shared how some guy's use those same tactics to get sex, and if they can't learn to respect their dad's "no", how are they going to expect a guy to respect theirs.


My kids are the same with me as your's are, it's just their dad and mom taught them that if they cry and whine enough they get their way. My ex-h has learned to say "no" and it's helped their relationship.


While I understand that, the difference could be what they consider quality time. If he didn't take off and do things one on one before, why is she expecting it now?

And I agree, there is more to it, I know for my sd in part it's she wants her parents back together, and in part she believes he should 'love' her enough to give her whatever she wants, and in that he's not, he must not love her at all.


again, the difference could be the expectations of the type of attention, if he is doing the same thing he did when he was married to her mom, spending time with her and her brother when mom was busy doing something else, why expect it to be different even if he has a different wife?

The difference seems to come in from the time he and OW weren't seeing each other and he lived alone and had that one on one time when she was at his house, and now that he and OW are living together it's not the two of them like it was then. I may be wrong, it's just what I am seeing.

I initially started this thread to get suggestions from the guys for how my daughter should deal with the situation at hand and I think we (my daughter and I) have decided that she has said all she needs to say to the EX and he's made up his mind. So at this point we are taking it day by day and we'll collectively jump each hurdle as it comes. She's heartbroken but hopefully by me being her only stable parent she will learn how to become a strong woman and not let this completely crush her spirit.

Thanks everyone for their comments

Ronda