Yeah, but he CHOSE YOU! If she were all that great, he wouldn't be here with you in recovery...he would be with her.

HTM

I know and he says that I'm the one that he's attracted to.

BUT I still don't know if they had a PA or not. She says yes, he says no. They only talked on the phone for a month, longest call 10 minutes. She says they've been PA for 3 years. She didn't have his cell phone number for over a year from the last time.

So I want to believe him, but he hasn't earned that part of my trust really. KWIM?

I WANT HER TO BE A DUMPY READ HEAD!!!! (old and retarded) - no offense to real handicapped people, btw...

I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do....
You can borrow my dumpy red-head any time and you can call her names and disparage her up one side and down another!!!!

Now, thanks to you, I'll think poorly of tall, dark haired well proportioned women. Heck, well proportioned is over-rated anyway!!!

You are so funny!

He says to me....
Did she have a hearing aid? yes...
Was she old? yes...

Why are you even comparing yourself to her? You are beautiful and amazing. Not even in the same league.

Hmmm.....

So I felt a cringe of guilt for a moment because the hearing aid is probably what makes her sound "retarded"... and I've been mean about it. But then I remember, she's the monster that was with my monster WH. She knew he was married!! Not feeling bad anymore.



Thanks both of you for listening to my vent.

Moral of the story, be careful what we ask? hmm....

Talking about OW...

My H had like 4 to 5 OW's on a two year time frame, EA and PA's.
Two of them really trigger me a lot to hear their names, they were all 30+ except for one 22+ that was using my husband to get professional info.

Anyway they were those desperate single women looking desperatly for a man.
I dont know much about them besides that they are all still single.

Anyway what I wanted to share is that after what I've been thru I have been more attentive and I realised and discovered that there are a lot a OW's around here.

These are not my H OW's just people I know, my kids schoolmates, etc.

One OW1 became pregnant (3 kids in three years) the WH got to stay with her and left a 6 years old behind that refuses to talk to until him (now 17) and divorced his BW.
his OW is still not married (he never married her until now, 10 years) and she still complains about it. She somehow is still always wandering about BW who she claims is a bad and crazy person. BW moved on, raising their daughter alone and is a respectable healthy person. This OW1 still says he didn't divorce because of her, but stresses every time he is called to teach at the University. (she was her student)

Now, this OW1 best friend is also a OW, lets call her OW2. This one also managed to get pregnant, but she didn't got what she wanted, the man. He stayed with his family and has NC with her and OC. Now the worst part is that this OW2 doesnt even like children... she doesnt even know how to talk to children, OC is now 6 (sad, just sad but it's a smart kid and people treat him very nicely). She's still single and is really a sad person, she even tried to get on OW1 man as she tries with a lot MM around here (specially those more family oriented)... Anyway OW1 and OW2 are still friends, the first just told her (get any man you want but not mine or there will be trouble).

There's another one also still single with a OC8. This one at least is not into MM ever again she says. I know it's been really hard for her as to explain the OC he doesn't have a father.


It might be wrong but when something triggers me about my H Affair's and specially his OW's it kinds of comforts me knowing that if they pursue on this MM chasing how sad of a life they will have, one way or the other, with the MM with them or not, they kind of pay for what they have done.

Once they decide to become an OW I believe it will chase them forever. They will never be able to have a healthy relationship.


Pretty or ugly they really are just sad people and I just feel pitty on them.

You're right. I agree that they are simply sad people. I have probably done some stuff in my life that others would judge. But, I KNOW in my heart what's right and what's wrong. You do not, under any circumstance, troll after a married person. It's disrespectful and disgusting.

The part that makes me the angriest is that I have such intense feelings when I think of her. I'm sure in time I'll reach a stage where I only feel pitty, but right now it's still anger. Violence looks good on some days...so I garden. I rip red-headed weeds out of my garden and out of my life.

Patricia....you suck.

Thanks...that felt good. I hope I can say that here. If not, sorry.

Fiori,
Have you ever hoed the hoa'? When I am really frustrated with a situation in the home now, instead of raising my voice, I go hoe. I have really smacked the dirt a few times and have done a very nice job of getting rid of a few weeds. I find that if you hold the hoe just right, place your left hand on top of the handle and really push that left hand down hard on the handle as you swing it downward, you can dig that hoe deep into the earth! Feels good.

How's your weekend going? Did you refrain from the big discussion? Are you making sure that the dumpy red head isn't ruining YOUR weekend. You know, she is oblivious to the amount of time that you spend wasted thinking about her...don't give her any more of your time. She's not worth it. Spend the time on your H.

(((((fiori)))))

HTM

HTM.
Do you know I have another thread? It's in GQ2 and it's titled
Can I trust my instincts now?
It's been a hotbed of activity this weekend. And, no, I did not refrain from the discussion....bad, bad, girl. I tried, but he was being a turd and it went downhill fast. Read the other one and you'll see what I mean.

Well look at it this way. The fact that she's a dumpy redhead probably prevented it from becoming physical. My H's former OW was someone he's not all that physically attracted to and while there was physical stuff going on, it only went so far in part because of that. And in terms of the emotional part, he was really having feelings for someone having feelings for him, and not her herself. My H looks back at OW and likes nothing about her, sees her for the selfish and self-centered person she is. She started to annoy the heck out of him even during the A.

I know how you feel though. When I saw her picture, I was like what??! You had an affair with that??! My H was thoroughly embarassed! He said something about not being that shallow. Well, it turns out, he is that shallow. She is really loud and abrasive also.

Keep pulling those weeds! Oddly for me, I've found cleaning my house quite therapeutic these days. It is something, unlike my feelings, that I can have control over.

Well, a good part of my recovery hinges on the fact that I'm waiting for the day H looks back at her with disdain. This just does not happen. I believe he still sees her as this nice girl that simply got caught up. He probably feels sorry for her. When they started their EA, it was on the heels of her H leaving her for another man. H felt like he had to 'fix' her. Then, when he left her too, he felt very guilty. Our MC tried to explain to him that it was impossible for her to have love for H only a few short weeks after her marriage ended. It was rebound for sure. But, ego and ego get in the way of that! He really believes she loved him and she simply got lost along the way. I think, if he thought I'd allow it, he'd still want to be her friend, along with me. It's crazy, but probably true. He's really a basically nice person and the fact that he let someone down is a big pill for him to swallow. Oh, here...let me get you a drink!!!

Fiori,

Your posts make me nervous because your situation sounds like mine, before I uncovered the full truth. I posted a reply on your other thread as well. Are you checking up on him? Are you sure there is no contact? I would NOT trust it based on his attitude and feeling about her.

The OW in our case also said something getting caught up and not being able to help herself also. GAG! Later she said she was trying to get her husband to fight for her and started the thing with my H in order to get her husbands attention. (How F'd up is that!) My H was really flattered and played with the flirtation which then snowballed into the A. My H is also a 'nice' person. Actually, he is extremely loving and emotionally sensitive. Once he was caught into that situation he could not get out by himself.

It was only once he was away from her that he could see the situation with clarity. He sees her as an extraordinarily self-centered and f-ed up person, and he sees in retrospect that he actually likes nothing about her but he only liked being liked by her. He could never have seen that without being distanced from the situation.

My WXH's OW was a 'Gina' but sometimes she pretends her first name is her baby daddy's last name (some other guy - not my WXH).
Which IMHO is sort of bizarre... I can sort of understand her pretense that the baby's last name is hers too, because by giving the false impression that she was married to the baby's father it makes her look better. But sometimes pretending his last name is her first name is a little out there IMHO. In the phone book she is listed by her first name. She was on the high school dance squad (in an even smaller town) so maybe she was one of those really popular prom queen types - you know the type - Buffy LOL. Or she thnks she's famous like Cher? LOL

And she does all these good deeds in our small village so her name is attached to all sorts of fundraisers and charities mentioned in the media. WXH did tell me once that it really bothered her that my friends and I were referring to her as the 'OW' because it made her sound like a bad person. So I guess it's really important to her to be thought of as some sort of 'lady'? (Of course not important enough for her to refrain from sleeping with men she's not married to, eh?)

Oh and she not only goes to church but is a 'greeter' who welcomes newcomers at the church too.

I suspect all the public displays of charity are an attempt to redeem her reputation, without actually apologizing to me and my daughters of course.

"Well, a good part of my recovery hinges on the fact that I'm waiting for the day H looks back at her with disdain. This just does not happen. I believe he still sees her as this nice girl that simply got caught up. He probably feels sorry for her."

OW are very aware of the fact that some men have this rescue the damsel in distress weakness. And YES it is a weakness if the damsel in distress is anyone besides his own wife!

WH's need to get it that it is very hurtful to the BW to give any indication that they feel sorry for, or will defend, the OW.
The OW is not a victim, but a cunning predator (posing as prey to be pursued so she can cleverly avoid responsibility for the adultery. These OW are also well aware that the man likes to pursue so they sometimes even play a little hard to get, and too ladylike to respond to his advances... at least until they get him owrked up into a frenzy of desire and pursuit.)

And it doesn't just prevent full recovery when the WH refuses to admit the OW was playing a role designed to hook him. It means the WH is still vulnerable to future OW because this is a very common OW tactic, playing good-girl/victim in need of rescue.

And the catch is, if the BW tries to educate her WH about all this is embarresses him and makes him feel like a fool. In other words the OW made him feel like a hero and conquerer, while the BW is trying to get him to accept that he behaved like a victim of con-artistry. So of course he's gonna defend the OW's 'honor' and refuse to believe that the OW ever had an agenda... sigh.