(((KLB)))

I just caught up on your thread and my heart goes out to you and your children. I understand your pain, I've been there too. I remember the same desperation wondering when God was going to step in and fix this! I ended up losing everything, but in the end my husband came home. We are recovered now and he is a full-time Bible school student. Four years ago when this was happening, I would have never believed it. He walked away from God, me and his family and "seemed" like he was having a good ole time while he was doing it.

The truth was however, that he was tormented the whole time he was away because he KNEW deep in his heart that what he was doing was wrong. I had lots of people praying for him, that God would break him. There's a funny story about that by the way, if you read my thread.

Just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and the restoration of your family.

PM thank you for your encouragement and for your prayers. I have really been struggling with the why's for all of this. I need to sit and really write my/our story because I think it would be a very healing thing. I struggle wanting to know if this is really about me, which I really believe that it isn't I just need to stand strong and pray and perservere. I am working on me and I pray that my WH will listen and hear God calling him back. I have been having a lot of trouble with anxiety attacks at night and haven't been able to sleep, I have been very burdened to pray for my WH, so I do, but am not too sure how to effectively pray for him.
I read and cried at your thread. Thank you for being honest and brave and sharing your story. I pray that I can be brave and strong for my children and stand firm for God, I know that he will never leave me or forsake me, but sometimes Satan just hurts so bad that I want to just make it stop. Sometimes in the mornings I have woken up and my chest hurts so badly like something was crushing it, but I know that it is just the sadness of all the bad choices my WH is making, but that I need to somehow find a way to be happy truly happy, there are days that I really am, but then something will happen again and it will take days for me to get back on my feet! I don't want to be that way. I just want my roots to hold me fast and then the wind can come and I will sway but never fall again!
Thanks PM your story touched me, thank you for sharing and praying.
Love,
KLB

You're quite welcome sweetie. I am leaving town at 3:00 a.m. as my husband and I are traveling to South Carolina to see our youngest son graduate from basic training. I will be out of touch for a few days but I will keep you and yours on my heart and in my prayers.

Keep posting, it'll help. There are lots of good people here to help you through this.

How are you today Kilbenfield? Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your little ones and your marriage. Hang tough and keep praying. You need to be strong.

Keep posting.

Say

Thank you SayNoMore, I am having a really tough day. Neither of my kids will sit down for school, they are both burnt out and tired and I understand, but if they were in a public school they would have to just suck it up and do it, and I am doing that in my life everyday! I don't want any of what I have, but that is what I have CRAP just CRAP, and that is what I am going to have for a while, but I get up everyday and try, that is all I am expecting of them. Yes, it sucks majorly, but it isn't my fault their dad chose to walk away and abandon them I am still here, but NO ONE seems to see that or care! All anyone cares about is what they lost, but the truth is maybe they never had it anyway!

I just wish I could stop the yo-yo ride I am on. He is gone, why can't I just stop crying and pick up and move on too! He doesn't care about me or the kids or the house or the bills or anything, so why can't I just turn it all off too? Why do I have to hurt so bad, and I didn't do anything wrong, yet I am the only one suffering?

My mom and dad want to take the kids and I away from the 19-29th of June down to NC to see my sister and her new baby, but I am torn, I want to go, but that is a long time to be away from the house and things. Also, we would all be staying with my sister and her family, she is having a new baby a one year old and her husband then you add 3 more adults and 3 more kids for 10 days, I think that is a bit much and a bit too long. So, I don't know what to do.

On the real estate front, the offer on my house was $20,000 less than we paid for it and $10,000 less than we owe without the home equity line that my WH took against the house so that is another $35,000, so needless to say that is a dead issue. The property that my WH and FIL sold didn't settle because of me, they cannot settle on anything without my approval and they didn't contact my lawyer till 3 hours before settlement and I still haven't seen any documents from anyone, so I guess that will be a dead deal too!

I am so frustrated with everything, I just need to get refocused on everything. I am struggling with school for my masters, I like it, but with all the emotional upheaval and craziness, I am having a hard time concentrating, so I wonder did I bite off more than I can handle?
I feel like every step forward I try to make that I am pushed back 5 steps! I don't like all this chaos and uncertainty about our future. I am trying to be patient and wait and trust and obey the Lord, but I really don't know what I am waiting or trusting for? I want so badly to believe in miracles and that they can happen to me! I know that God is able, and that he does still do miracles, but I don't know if I am going to see/get a miracle?

One day at a time. I know that it sounds cliche' especially right now but time is the great healer. Every day that you get under your belt, every thing that you accomplish will make things better. Some days you will slide back to square one but others, you will feel very aacomplished.

Your little ones need you. How about taking a one hour break from school and just do something silly. Let them know that it is just a break but it should help. Dance to the Veggie Tales. Show them that you need a break too. Then reaasure them that you love them very much.

If you think you are having a hard time, they have no coping skills. They are children the only life they have ever know has changed so drastically that they don't know which way to turn. IMHO, they are too little to even know appreciation for what you do much less show it. They expect it cause you are their mommy and that is your job.

Keep posting. You need support and I am sorry that you don't have anyone within your church or neighborhood that is willing to give it. You have friends here.

Say

{{{{{{{{{KLB}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

This is actually easier said than done, but totally doable. Remember, he is SICK. He is out of control, contrary to what we rational people think. He is an ADDICT and just simply doesn't care if you are hurting.

G-d I remember this pain so deep inside and not believing that this is all happening. I hated when people told me it would get better, I didn't think it ever would. But slowly, and I mean slowly, it did.

I am praying for you in G-ds shadows of protection. He is there, I promise you. Your walk with G-d was strong before this, but look at you now. Look how you are seeking him, that's truly what G-d is looking for, our obedience to him.

Immediately, how are you paying your bills affording food?

Great suggestions, I think I will definitely try that tomorrow! We have lots of Veggies to dance to. I have been trying to clean out the chaos and clutter of the home and make it more manageable for me. I know that I should focus on other things, but I just feel I need it freshened and cleaned out for the children and I to be able to handle this big old house. I so want a fresh start for us, but our fresh start has to start here, so since that is the case I want to do the best I can for us here, so I am trying to make it a new home in our old home.

Financially, we are hanging on as best as we can. I have enough money to make it till the support hearing if I have to. I have medicaid and food stamps for the children and I, so food is a non issue except for the getting to the grocery store. There is a convenience store down the street a few blocks, but that only does so much.

I know that you are all right, some days I am doing very well, and know that this will be hard, but that I will make it through and be so much better on the other end. Other days, I know I will make it through, but I just don't really want to, I just miss the old days with my H and I miss him and I don't think I can move another step and I want so badly to call and just hear his voice or just have him hug me and tell me it will all be okay. Today has been one of the other kinds of days, the ones when I just want to go shake him till the scales fall from his eyes and the fog clears and ask what in the world he is doing!!!

I still haven't figured out an intermediary or finished figuring out how to cut down and edit my Plan B letter, but I know that I have said it to him everything that should have been in the letter. I want so badly to do the right things, and I want to believe in miracles for my children and I. That is what I am praying for, for God to bless us and give us a miracle, and in the meantime, I am trying very hard to perservere and stand firm in God.

Today I became an aunt for the second time!!!! YEAH!! My next youngest sister had a little boy this morning at 7:42am. Mommy and baby are doing good. I am so happy for them, but it is such a bittersweet thing, I want so badly to call and share this with my husband, but know that I must stay strong and not call. I am okay with that because the thing that he has become wouldn't care like my H would have.

Well, update, I tried to call WH's best friend today to expose and talk to about his role in helping to hide and continue this affair. BF got very angry that I had the nerve to call him and try to put him in the middle of this, I explained that I was in no way trying to make him angry or put him in the middle, he continued to holler and told me to never call back again. I said I would not, but that I thought it was really sad of him to treat me like that when I had opened my home to him on several occasions to come for dinner and then for him to treat me like this like I was the one who did wrong. I said that he should be ashamed for his role in this and the fact that he continues to be WH's BF. He said not to ever call back and that he is sorry but that he will not be put in the middle and hung up on me.

I also called back to WH's old place of employment to try to speak to his boss regarding the insurance, I spoke with his secretary and she said that she would definitely give them the message again and that she has her own reasons for being frustrated with my WH, but wouldn't elaborate, she did however look up the termination code and it was voluntary resignation due to personal reasons. She said that she would send me a copy of that form. She also said that if he had not resigned that he would have been fired, and said that yes, OW, was not rehired by the new company that has since taken over. I am exhausted, and it is only 10:45am here!

I also had to deal with the bank this morning WH bounced one of his support checks, and I have fees for this in addition to being out the money. Bank told me that the check is being returned to me and that I can take it to his bank and cash it.

Baby has been sick, low grade fevers and diarhea that has made his bottom so sore that it bleeds, I feel for the little guy he doesn't understand what is going on with this let alone the chaos that his entire family is in! Older two are hanging in, but struggling, understandably. News of baby born was bittersweet for them also since we can't go be with my sister! I keep telling them that our time will come that we just need to be patient.

I just so don't get it!!!! I know this is all on him, but it seems as if I am the only one struggling over this, I know he will eventually suffer, but it is so hard to be the one suffering now, but mine will end at some point!

KLB,

I am sorry that you are struggling so much. I really wish I had money to send you or could fix this.

I'm not as bible smart as many others on here, but there are a few things that were told to me that helped a little. This was also sent to me and brought me MUCH comfort.

IN THE STORM

Sometimes life doesn't go like we want it to. How can we worship God when things are hard and seem so wrong?

Sometimes our hard times are complex and drawn out. But no matter what we're going through, God is always working for the good of those who love Him. However, our definition of good and God's definition of good may be completely different and may collide head-on in hard times. our definition of good usually equates to happiness. We want (and even expect) God to make us happy.

But what's good for God? Good for God is when He's working for His glory, or when He's working to make us holy.

Since God is perfect and good, His getting glory is good too. When goodness is glorified, it turns out to be good for all involved.

God also thinks our holiness is a good thing. He cares more about our character than He does about our carefree lives. We may not be able to firugre out what God is doing in the hard times of life. Those answers may not come this side of heaven, but we know God can use the tough times to help us grow.

Giving God our lives during hard times means trusting that He's working for good no matter what - or walking through the process with Him until He brings us to the point where we can believe that.

That means being where we are with Him - crying, mourning, even being angry, and discussing that with Him. Over time, as we continue to seek Him, He'll align our hearts with His by changing our definition of what's good or He'll teach us something about Himself, or He'll simply give us what we need to trust Him even though we don't understand. If we choose not to abandon Him, God will use the hard times to grow a depth in our relationship with Him that wasn't there before.

STEPS OF FAITH

"Lord, I seek refuge in You; never let me be disgraced. In Your justice, rescue and deliver me; listen closely to me and save me. Be a rock of refuge for me, where I can always go. . . . For You are my hope, Lord God" (Psalm 71:1-3,5)

DEEPER WALK

Psalm 46

Thank you Queenie-

Money truly is nothing, I have done without before and am fine with little, it isn't the money that is the problem/concern. It is just the huge sadness that I feel watching someone that I love make such HUGE mistakes that keep taking him farther and farther away from God and his family. I love my H with a love that is totally of God, I hurt for him, knowing that each bad choice he takes, takes him one more step away from God and his goodness and desires for each of us! God doesn't want for any of us to fall or hurt, but how much more does it hurt when it is a child that God sent his son to the cross to die for and that person has accepted God's amazing gift and then decided that it wasn't good enough. Oh the sorrow and shame of it all!

I wish I could just go to him and rescue him, take him away somewhere safe and seclude, and love him and hold him till the fog clears! But, I know that God has to finish his work in him or it won't ever be a true and lasting change, I just pray that my WH doesn't reject God so long that God gives up on him and says fine live that way.
Sure I miss my H in the physical,emotional human way, but mostly anymore I just feel such sorrow of how he has made such a huge mess and is hurting everyone, but thinking that he is doing good and "happy" with all of this! It makes me sad that his parents are thinking that I am the bad person in all of this and that I should just let him go and let him "be happy!" But that isn't what God would want from me, I guess that is why I am sad about Plan A ending like it did and when it did, but I know that he was just sucking off of me too and trying to get all his EN's met from both of us just in the opposite homes. I am just so sad, I pray that I will be able to truly let go if that is what God wants and to move on in His amazing capable strength to a new life with my children.

I completely get what you are saying and aside from the Jesus thoughts because I am Jewish, you and I are so there together.

One thing I realized a few months into this was my WH was completely miserable in his life and he was blaming me and our marriage on all that misery. He believes the OW is going to make him happy. But the reality is, it's NO ONE elses job, but him and G-d to make him happy.

G-d spoke to me and make me realize that I was interfering in things that weren't my business. That WH was caught up in a spiritual battle that I had protected him from all these years and I wasn't G-d and had no right.

As PAINFUL as it is, to this day it's still painful and I still want to soften and fix this for WH, I can't. It's his journey. There are LESSONS in LIFE that is HIS journey to learn and I have to stay out of the way and LET G-D.


Your FAITH and TRUST in G-d is what G-d needs from you and you are doing amazing. I'm so glad you are still posting and being honest about your feelings and struggles. It helps to get it out of our heads and helps other people, like me.

Because today I am in the struggling place of WH getting his consequences. It's so hard, but remember G-d loves your H more than you could ever. And he is working for the good in all of this...

{{{{{{{{{{KLB}}}}}}}}}}}}}

kl-

I've read your whole thread.

You've come so far in a very short time!

Plan B is something I never had to do, and for that I am thankful. I just have to encourage you though, because I think your husband is probably going through his own little version of he//, you know? Think about it - he is living with a woman who is willing to sleep with a married man, one she knows is pining away for his family, who is cake-eating between her and his WIFE, and he KNOWS HIS WIFE STILL LOVES HIM - STILL WANTS HIM - AND IS WAITING FOR HIM TO COME TO HIS SENSES. Plus, he gets the wonderful added benefit of having that great teenaged daughter there who is willing to call the mother of his children a wh0re...gee, what a terrific life. Then, he considers that he lost his job for this life. And this once-upon-a-time fantasy that has turned into a train wreck because this OW is really crappy to listen to when she gripes about the fact that all of his MONEY is going to his WIFEY and not to HER when SHE REALLY WANTS IT and what is he going to DO about it nag nag nag nag....that fantasy is withering on the vine, baby. Right now. In REAL TIME, she nags and gripes, and things at HOME LOOK PRETTY NICE right about now. You're seeing the financial collapse happen from the outside looking in - can you just imagine the dialogue on the INSIDE?????



PLUS
He knows you haven't given up on him.
And he hasn't been able to get a fix of you for awhile, so that fantasy of HOME is getting a nice little build-up.
And he wonders what is happening with the kids, because he hasn't called
And YOU haven't broken your word (he thought you would...)
And he knows the last time he saw you, you looked and smelled and felt very nice.


Home sounds

well

good. And safe.



This Plan B does work in many cases. So while you are "wondering" about him, you need to remember that this Plan B thing has its advantages. Yes, he is having money trouble - that is a consequence of his AFFAIR. Yes, he lost his job - a consequence of his AFFAIR. Yes, he is having difficulty selling property and can't contact you - a consequence of his AFFAIR. Yes, he is probably not happy where he is - a consequence of his AFFAIR.

That consequence list is LONG.
It is a hard list to read.
It is harder to LIVE.


That's why Plan B can work in many cases. The consequences come in much more realistically if the WS is made to live in the real world - the fantasy bubble bursts when the AFFAIR is handed to them on a silver platter. You've essentially said, "Okay, here you go. Live it out. Just go, but you can no longer count on me to meet any of your needs. You and your affair are on your own." Soon enough he finds that he actually does want and need you, and the family. Because the WS figures it out when that bubble bursts, and the affair actually DOESN'T meet the expectations. The fantasy - it ISN'T reality. The OW has bad breath, she gripes, and she isn't a sex kitten every night like she said she would be. Her kids behave badly, her house is a mess, and she can't cook. Whatever it is, it ISN'T home.


But you - you ARE home. Despite your faults, you are "home", and somehow this Plan B makes many waywards realize that.


I'm in here with you - praying for you and your marriage. Just so you know!

Schoolbus

Thank you so much Schoolbus! I needed a boost, and I pray that you are right. They looked so happy Sunday at the mini-mart. But I need to focus on me and the kids, but that has been really hard, we are working on cleaning out and trying to make this mess of a house a home, we are trying to figure out how to do all of this alone, and heal our broken hearts! My two older kids dictated their feelings for their dad today into letters for him and we are going to have a fire here tomorrow night and burn them. I am trying to have a "ceremony" for my daughter who is so angry and grieving so much for her dad. I hate to see my children so hurt! I love them so much, but I need to get my head together for keeps, sure there will be rough days, but not everyday, at least that is my goal. Next weekend I am dreading! Saturday is our 11th anniversary and Sunday is Fathers Day!

Thank you again Schoolbus and everyone! I am so grateful for all of you and I thank God for finding this site, so that I could have a safe place to vent and heal!

KLB,

I am in the midst of a few projects that are taking up a lot of my time in the short term. My son is graduating next weekend, and I have much to do to get ready for that.

I will try to check in with you, but wanted you to know why if I don't.

You have some great people helping you, like PM, SB, and Queenie.

Keep focused on working the plans and getting things set up for it.

Thank you SS,
Congrats to the graduate! High school? College?
I am trying to consume myself with cleaning out and college classes and my children, but I am finding myself with way too much time on my hands. Especially times like now, it is Friday evening at 5:37 and normally H and I would take the kids out for pizza or go get take out and a movie and have a family night. Kids are sad that we don't really have this anymore, we try, but is just not the same without daddy!
Trying to come up with new traditions, but there is so much work to do and I find myself easily distracted and trying to deal with my grief and loss through work!
Enjoy graduation and I will look forward to your sage advice. My goal for this weekend is to finish my 3 papers for school and finish editing my Plan B letter, I am still having no luck finding and intermediary. Everyone thinks that I should just be done with him, deal with things on my own or through the lawyer as needed. Fine and dandy, but I already owe him like $1000 for the work he has done to get me $1200 so really I got $200, wow I really made out! Oh yeah and it had to go into escrow because WH wouldn't answer his phone or letters from the lawyer! I am ready for the consequences of his actions any time now to start!
Anyway, I am hanging in there. Talk to you soon.
KLB

It is yet again another Friday night and where do I find myself? Alone yet again. The children have finally gotten a break, they are going to the boat with Nana and Poppa!!! Yeah for them, I am supposed to join them with the baby tomorrow, but honestly this is the first chance that I am getting to be semi-alone to cry and grieve for the changes that are happening, but I really don't want that anymore, a month ago, Yes definitely needed it, but now, now I am just in angry confusion Plan Bish land! I need to finish editing the plan B letter and every time I look at it I want to just vomit! I want to save my marriage, but then I think FOR WHAT? What is possibly left, I understand schoolbus' post about him sufferring just unseen yet, but I'm sorry he has nothing like what the kids and I are suffering his is still hopefully to come! I am so tired and I just want some just deserts! I know that is wrong, but I am tired of begging friends and the little family that I have for help and to cry and holler at them all the time. I want to feel good I want to be happy I want a real life, I want what I was promised! Is that really too much to ask. I was a really good wife I met his SF needs, but none of my ENs are being met! I want my life back! I want my family, but I want a better marriage, eventhough I mistakenly thought I had a good one! I am so angry all I want to do is cry and scream and rant and rave, but to what gain? I feel like nothing I do makes me feel any better!
WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END AND PEACE BEGIN????? I keep trying to give it to God, and I get temporary relief, but then it comes back stronger than before. It has been 2 weeks in Plan Bish land and I hate this! I feel like I was making progress before, but then he pushed and I panicked, but now it is too late if I want my word to mean anything I have to hold on! I wish that I had one person here that had survived this so they could hug me and tell me in person, that I will be okay, and what to do when I am alone and hurting so bad. I know God is here, but I still feel so alone and afraid! WHY!?!?!?!?!Why........

KLB,

There really is NOTHING that I can say that makes it better. That comes from inside of you, fighting for survival. I am so sorry you are hurting. If I could take it away from you right now and carry it for you, I WOULD.

I truly understand. But this will pass. And G-d will shine down on your for getting through it again.

{{{{{{{KLB}}}}}}}

I'm here right with you. And I understand that sadness and deep deep pain. You have suffered a severe trauma that has rocked your world. You want it finished NOW, but it just doesn't work that way.

It just doesn't. People say, keep your chin up or you just need time. It's all crap when you hurt like this right now. But you aren't alone. I'm here praying for you, hugging you and wishing thoughts that this will pass fast...

I couldn't have said it better, but I feel like if I could just get it together then maybe I could see the other side sooner. I know that I need to really deal with all of this, but what is there to deal with? He is gone, I am alone, I have to get it together for the kids! I have to gut it up and find some strength to at least pretend that I am happy for them. If I pretend long enough I will maybe start to believe it and feel it, and sometimes it isn't a feeling, but an action, just like love I have to choose to love someone each and every day. I need to choose happiness each and every day, but what brings me happiness. I have no idea, I feel NOTHING, just empty, so how do I find something, what do I do?

Please Send suggestions for how to get through the numb empty scary nothingness. I want to feel again, I want to enjoy all of my children, not just the baby, I feel like he was my last beautiful gift from my H! Please help me!!!!!

Read the post "Be Still".


I would post the link, but I'm not that savvy to the new system yet.

And I'm still dealing with tornado fallout, and the crappola of the OW sighting and torture of last night. See, even after two and a half years post-d-day and recovery, the affair may not stop being a trigger in your life. You're in the early stages, in Plan B. Even after your husband returns home (I'm optimistic for you!), you will have a rollercoaster ride of emotions to deal with, OW woman sightings, triggers, and lots of recovery issues to go through.

For now, you are dealing with the rigorous road of Plan B. You need to focus your mind and eyes on where you are, and try to avoid - however difficult this may be - thoughts of why he is doing this, what he is thinking, why the consequences of life are not as hard on him as you think they ought to be.

What you think SHOULD BE, unfortunately, shall not always come to pass.

It is the very nature of living, kl.


But at this point in your own life, the advice I have for you is to focus inward.

Why?

Because you control only one person in this marriage. YOU.

That is the case, and always has been. If you can learn that, and put it to good use, then you have a greater chance at recovering from this affair. Whether that recovery is with your husband, or without him, if you come to an understanding of yourself, your inner thought processes, and how you control your choices, emotions, reactions, decisions, and future, then at the other end of whatever lies ahead of you


comes a better you.

After all, the one person you KNOW you have to live with for the rest of your life, is you.

Spend this time making sure that you are the very best you that can possibly exist.

IF he chooses to return, he gets a better wife.
IF he chooses to stay gone, he loses out on a spectacular chance at recovering with what could have been a great new marriage.


His choice, and whether or not he makes the right one - you cannot control it.

YOU CAN, HOWEVER, influence it.

With a good Plan B.
With being a great person if Plan B is broken, or if word gets through to him during Plan B about how wonderful you look/feel/changed.

And if at some point you decide to return to contact with him, the changes in yourself will be evident. Because REAL changes simply are evident.

Begin that focus now, while you have the chance. Look at Plan B as YOUR TIME. Not a punishment for you, or for him. But a time to regain your energy, to renew yourself, to preserve what you had in your heart for him. To allow that time for his affair fantasy to run its course (it will, most likely). And for you to make the changes in yourself that YOU have decided YOU want to make. Not for anyone else, but for YOU. Because they make YOU that person you have always known you wanted to be, but got lost somewhere along the way, in the hustle and bustle of trying to be everything to everyone else.

Plan B. Plan Be Still.


SB