**EDIT**

Cog,

Your wife cheats on you, sleeps with your daughter's coach, and ruins YOUR life and you're worried about stepping on his and your wife's toes?

Cog, you're going to have many betrayed husbands come here and tell you the same things: Without exposure you have nothing. Without NC you have nothing.

The A is probably ongoing and there should be absolutely NO reason for your W to be in contact with this man.

Your kids should be told in an age appropriate manner.

I'm confident your daughter won't want to be on that man's team anymore.

Yes, absolutely, expose.

You need to let the adulterers face the consequences of their actions. His W should know, the league should know, and your friends and family should know.

Why, do we as betrayed husbands, tell you to expose? Because those of us who didn't and feared our wive's anger payed a very deep price for that fear.

You will fear your wife's anger, but don't.

SHE did this to you. SHE was the one who had an affair. Lives have been ruined by HER actions.

People are entitled to know the truth. If she blames you for ruining lives, tell her she shouldn't have slept with another man and no one's lives would have been affected.

You can't just jump to plan B with no Plan A and you have nothing if you haven't exposed.

One of the reasons folks have affairs is lack of empathy for others.

Those that are faithful generally have empathy for others and recognize their actions could cause harm to others.

CoGuy is worried about hurting his wife and OM. He is a typical noble man with empathy for others.

I am not a fan of exposure for the sake of exposure. However, in this instance exposure may be the only answer.

The only way to avoid exposure would be for the entire family to retire from the sport teams. This would ensure NC and will not have the children expose to OM. It is clearly humiliating for BH to have OM coach his children.

The fact that the WW expects BH to allow the kids to be coached by OM is a very good example of a person with no empathy. Her desire to pursue the sports club despite the affair is another great example of a person with no empathy.

Lack of empathy is a component of many personality disorders including narcissism.

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by a friend of mine. It is from the Dr Laura show. Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong."


Mr. W

While it makes sense for you to worry about hurting others unnecessarily, you need to keep in mind that you did not do this. Your WW and OM did this. THEY are the ones who are hurting others. If you expose to everyone...you are not hurting anyone, you are just reporting the hurt that THEY have caused.

I think that your children are old enough to know what is going on. If your WW is continuing to have contact with OM, then she is not really in recovery with you. Your WW must commit to no contact before you can begin to work on rebuilding your M.

Have you exposed the A to anyone?

**EDIT**

Do not forewarn them.

If they are forewarned your exposure will likely be preempted with lies.

They will characterize you as a lying jealous husband and father.

Forewarned is forearmed and threats of exposure does nothing except, perhaps, lead to a change in further manipulation tactics.

Additionally, hold up on your Plan B letter until this situation is figured out and you are sure you are prepared to go into Plan B. A weak Plan B is pointless and ineffective.

Finally...DO NOT MOVE OUT.

Mr. Wondering

You really need a plan.

Please do not run off and do anything yet until you've devised a full plan. If you could share more details, that would be helpful.

Mr. W

**EDIT**

I believe MB dogma states that exposure is done with no warning.

It seems you asked WW to quit the team and she does not want to do that. Is that correct?

I suspect your WW is still in the affair.

I almost never preach exposure, but in your case exposure seems mandatory.

Furthermore, if your wife is not a repentant WW I suggest you get a divorce. IMHO, recovery only works when the WW is truly sorry and wants to recover the marriage. This is the best case scenario and it is still a very difficult thing to do.

I'm just jumping ahead and making sure you aren't even considering making the biggest mistake BH's ever make and that is to move out, abandoning the family and basically signing over custody of the kids to their WS.

Your kids NEED you in their home as you are their only remaining sane parent for right now.

If anyone goes...it should be her (though WW's with 4 kids rarely leave).

Plan B living in the same home isn't doable so hold off on that decision for a bit here as we help you apply MB principles a little more effectively with more details.

The more children you have the more likely your marriage can and will be saved utilizing MB principles. The reason...divorce isn't economically feasible and there is a lot of family history and binds that make divorce more difficult. Fighting for custody is one way to turn this situation around...if you even get into divorce proceedings.

Mr. Wondering

**EDIT**

OMGF should be first on your exposure list.

IMO, your WW is gaslighting you, the A is still ongoing, and the very fact that you have chosen to allow the "status quo" to continue rather than taking definitive action to defend your M and bust up the A is reinforcing your WW's lack of respect for you.

Your W wants to both eat her cake and have it, and you're serving it to her on a platter.

if secrecy and dishonesty is part of her requirements for a "chance to reconcile" then reconciliation is no more than a surrender to sin

don't fall for this

it's a tried-but-untrue typical foggy WW hot air gas bag

Pep

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!

That is the number one mistake men make and they then wonder why they lost custody.

Your wife cheated. Kick her a$$ out of the house if anyone is going to leave.

You need to give a few more details about your situation.

You say she's still in contact. How?

Have you told her you want her to stop the contact with OM?

Have you told your kids you're going to pull them from their sports teams?

How about your in-laws? Your parents?

You should absolutely tell his girlfriend. Today!

The advice on this forum comes from people who have been in your shoes. We've walked the walk. Some of us came here for help, didn't listen to the advice, and ended up royally screw*d. Others came here, listened, understood they weren't "special" or "different" or "unique" and did one of two things: They protected their rights as parents and kicked the WS out and started a path of personal recovery OR they saved their marriage.

I'm one of those who didn't listen. I thought I was "unique" and that my exww was "different". No I wasn't and neither are you.

Please explain some more.

How did you find out?

How do you know about his past?

Are your friends supportive?

You need to understand that you have a wayward wife so you can't believe a single word that comes out of her mouth. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

[quote=COGuy] **EDIT**
She is treatening you and not filling your needs because she is most likely still in the affair.

If she agrees to no contact and then really does it, her wayward thinking will begin to change. Once no contact is in place and her wayward fog starts to lift she should start to feel remorse for the pain she has caused to you. She can become your wife again and begin to fill your needs again. But she must have no contact or recovery is not possible.

You feel like giving up right now, but you need to fight for your marriage, your kids need you to be strong right now, they need both their parents.

Ok, as a BH with three kids, I will join the song. . .


[quote=COGuy]**EDIT**
It isn't over until no contact, period, exclamation point.

**EDIT**

What a mess. And manipulated is the accurate description.



I don't think you have an good vision of how this whole thing works according to Harley. Why not spend a nickle or a dime and have at least one session with Steve or Jennifer so you can develop a workable plan?

**EDIT**

Yes, it will hurt. So what. You are not the culprit. I assume you are trying to save the marriage. Saving the marriage is more important than protecting the OM from consequences. Your kids don't need to live with lies.

**EDIT**

Exposure is not going to hurt anyone near as much as giving him free reign TO DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! He is a serial cheater and he needs to be cast out, rejected, thrown to the wolves of the consequences for his choices. He doesn't need to be around impressionable kids (or adults). How many more lives will he destroy before someone grows a pair and introduces him to consequences?


**EDIT**

You are not the bad guy. Don't think it for one minute. You ARE in the betrayed FOG yourself. Yea, the betrayed live in a fog too for a while. Don't gaslighted into believing you are the bad guy for anything you do according to Harley's plan to save the family.

You will be responsible for leaving this guy free to go about his business of destroying families if you don't do something.

Larry

I bet it's difficult.

You are being manipulated. There's always a last straw. She likely knows that OM is committed to his GF and if SHE finds out then the gig is up because your wife knows that the GF won't be as easily manipulated as you. Maybe GF will put a stop to it so you don't have to be the sole bad guy.

No offense (and granted I don't know much about your situation) but the A in Plan A doesn't stand for appeasement. This is a struggle against evil and you've allowed yourself to be manipulated for months now by your demon afflicted wayward wife. I understand. I've been there. My wife and I are both the exact same age as you. I heard it all in 2005 and we are now happily recovered. You can do this but you'll need to conquer your fears and fight this.

Your marriage can survive exposure whereas it can not survive a never ending continuing affair (from my estimation, if they are in contact, it continues).

Mr. Wondering

They all say the same thing. Exposure is NOT a major LB, it is the presentation of consequences. Affairs thrive in an atmosphere of lies, manipulation, deceit and betrayal. They whither under the light of day.

The affair is ongoing at least mentally. It is up to you to grow a pair and protect your family.

Most often, your ww will yell and scream and threaten and likely do nothing. Yea, there is a risk, but so what. Can you live with things as they are? How much of a doormat are you? Yes the 2X4 are intended to wake you up. I needed a 2X4 when my own wife was cake eating. When I grew a pair, things started working again and I regained her respect.

Larry

**EDIT**