I'd also consider giving the OM's GF a small amount of the evidence you have of the affair such that OM can't deny it. I wouldn't give her everything as you likely don't want her running around town forever defaming your wife with the endless documentation. This could impede recovery. Just give her enough evidence such that the affair is undeniable and offer to give her more should she desire it. Then, later you can meet her with a folder of all the evidence which she can review but not take with her or you can read some more of it to her over the phone without giving her copies.

CoGuy,

Here is a direct quote from Dr H himself. See how it applies to you and your sitch:


Also, your children, especially the DD12 that is being coached by this OM should be told. She is old enough to know what is right and wrong. do you think for one instant that if she realized she was being coached by "mommy's lover" that she wouldn't leave that team in an instant? If you feel that way, you are not giving your young d enough credit. At 12, she understands the difference between right and wrong, and if you blind her eyes to this, she will, in the future feel humilated, and blame you for not enlightening her. She gets to make choices Too!!! Give her credit for that.

I would disagree with the order of exposure.

1) Your children
2) OMGF
3) The league that hires him.
4) Friends and family
5) The parents of other young women on that team that may consider, that a man of such low moral character and intgretiy, should not be any where around their very own young and impressionable daughters!


Your WW does not get to be team manager anymore.
She must must completely termiante her relationship with this league! I expect after exposure, other parents will insist on this also. Sadly, they will view your WW as just as guilty, and not without good reason. Thus OM, AND, your WW must disconnect from this league. CONSEQUENCES OF IMMORAL CHOICES! SORRY, IT'S ALL ON HER AND OM!!!!

I do wish you
All Blessings,
Jerry

Dear Sports Official:

As is well known, (om) has a serial history of affairs as part of his participation in soccer activities. I know of at least three such affairs, one of which resulted in divorce, his current girlfriend. I am sad to say that at the same time he is still with his current girlfriend, he decided to have an adulterous affair with my wife. History repeats itself.

I am doing everything in my power to restore my family and protect my children. Unless this person is removed from any association with the league in any form or fashion, I will remove my children for cause. I will also suggest to other parents that this man is not a good influence for our kids, especially when you consider that all of them are at a very impressionable age.

Given that the man lacks honor and decency with his serial cheating and lack of concern for the families he destroys, I don't want him around my kids or any other kids. Please do not consider this as a threat. I am just advising you what I intend to do based on my certain knowledge of the kind of person (om) is and my concern for which wife, or daughter, will be next on his hit list.

Sadly, I have asked that my wife terminate her association as well since many parents would certainly hold her to the same level of accountability as (om).

signed.

Hope that helps. I very much agree that daughter WILL find out at some point in time given her age and associations. She will not take kindly to being kept in the dark. And frankly, I can see no other person with as much moral authority over your wife as your daughter has and will likely exercise unless she has already been corrupted.

Larry

One thing that "may" happen is that to prevent disassociation with the league, your wife and the OM may decide to hook up so it appears they have fallen "love." It won't last, of course, but it might present a temporary setback. To help prevent that, you need to be adamant with your position that he is gone, gone, gone and so is your wife. They will thus have no reason to engage in mental gymnastics as justification.

Larry

I agree Larry,

this unholy alliance needs to ceast and decist immediatatly.

Coguy is being "gaslighted" by his WW, and sadly, can't see it.

Time to step up to the plate CoGuy, you are the moral leader of this family. Whom will you listen to, your WW who is undoubtedly still carrying on her A, or a moral conscience, that puts an end to this, regardless of who must suffer.

Any suffering, including your kids or others, is the responsiblity of your WW and OM. The sooner they understand that,
the better.

All Blessings,
Jerry

COG,

I see you are getting plenty of good advice (especially: NEVER MOVE OUT of your home) and I see from a quick reading you are getting good exposure advice. As you have read, whether to tell your children or not is a minor issue at this point. You have much bigger fish to fry first.

I want to add some advice for the following:

1. Call the MB counseling center. Really. Do it! The expert advice you will receive will save you oodles of trouble now and down the road.

2. Consider a confrontation with OM. This is sometimes a controversial approach here on MB, but it does work. It seems to work very well with serial philander OMs. This genus of OM is very receptive to negative impact upon their lifestyle. They usually cut and run when threatened with consequences. This ultimately is what drove off my FWW’s ten-year long OM.

Before you confront him though, know everything you can about him and his gf and family and work and, well, everything. The more you know about him the more threatened he will feel and the more serious you will appear to him.

Choose a place he cannot easily escape from, like his office at work (where I did it.)

Do it hours just before you expose. Go over some of your exposure target list with him. Tell him how miserable he is going to be if you have to (oh, so regretfully) take him and his reputation to the cleaners. Then expose immediately afterwards to his gf and xW anyway. At least expose to those two, no matter what.

Have some of your proof of the A with you, but orally summarize it. Don’t hand him anything in writing.

Have a good friend with you as a witness. Preferably a large ugly looking good friend. A friend in law enforcement is good. He does not have to be in the room with you when you talk to OM, but OM should know he is right outside the door.

Be prepared for all kinds of excuses and reasons and justification (like your WW pursued him and it‘s all her fault) but just store it as potentially useful info for later, during recovery. You don't react to anything he says.

If he starts to get physical, leave.

I can give you more pointers from my experience, but I wanted to give you an additional tool with which to drive OM off first - so you can think about it.

Telling your children comes later, after you have mapped the battlefield and know what you are going to do. I told mine after OM had been run off and I knew I would at least attempt recovery. Only then did I know what to tell them about the future, which is what younger children really want to know most - what is going to happen to them.


With prayers,

****edit****

****edit****

So, you raise it with THEIR superiors.

Exactly as maninmotion states:

"you raise it with THEIR superiors"

Allowing a government employee to leave the job while still on the clock to carry on an affair. Theft of government funds.

Agree with ManinMotion...there's always that ONE decent person to be found that has some authority to disrupt the apple cart. In addition, if you know his co-workers and immediate bosses names you could always send a letter to their wives. I'm sure they be interested to hear that their husbands were supporting and condoning OM's activities.

I thought of someone else. Maybe they were already on your list but OM's first wife, 2nd wife (the nanny) and even OM's GF ex husband. These people are attached to OM in some way or another and need to know. The GF's ex has quadruplets with her and may still be fighting for his marriage or fighting for custody. He certainly doesn't like his kids sharing a home with this scumbag.

Typical I'd advise you to have a face to face with the OM's wife/GF, but in this situation, she's just an adulterer herself. She gets an email and you hope she helps you bust up the affair. If you ever team up with her to bust up the affair keep your distance and she's got her own demons that you don't need to fight also.


Another potential target...Does OM go to church??? His priest, minister, pastor, etc. and such exposure target should be directed to seek church discipline against OM.

Going after the OM with full force is important as 7 out of 10 time (my estimation) it's the OM that walks away and dumps the WW for the affair to end. He'll do so when you make his relationship with your wife more trouble than it's worth. This guy replaces women all the time. It shouldn't be that hard. He may even be "cheating" on your wife and his GF with someone else as well. If you can afford a PI then get one. If not, consider getting a real time gps tracker and tracking OM's whereabouts. Nothing would shock WW more than to find out there is another OW.

Post your draft exposure letters on this board for comment before doing anything. IF you end up in divorce proceedings, these kind of things can come back to bite you ONLY if done inappropriately.

Keep them short. Expose the truth...Ask for help & prayers.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Not that you've done this that I've seen, I just know the fear you face and the mindset. Don't be afraid to use tough words. You can call adultery...adultery. You can call your wife and OM, infidels and adulterers in the letters if you choose. Just do so without adding in "ho", "slut" or "whore" in any of their tenses. AVOID the desire to gloss it over by calling it, say an "inappropriate relationship". It is what it is and YOU have nothing to be ashamed about (though I understand you feel ashamed, embarrased, etc)

YOU WILL MAKE IT. No matter how this turns out...YOU will be OK and you'll be stronger because you finally stood up and took action. The courage is found in the doing.

If he's military, then you need to contact his chain of command. He can be prosecuted for adultery. It's even worse if he's an officer.

By no means assume that his superiors know about the affair.

Odds are that if he's a contractor or civilian that he has a military (government) client he answers to. I can assure you that they don't take too kindly to adultery either.

If one of my military bosses got a call from somone that one of his contractors or government employees was having an affair, I can assure you there would be consequences. They may not be subject to the UCMJ, but companies are sensitive to their reputations with the government client since they have to compete to keep contracts every few years.

Having the government remember that a contractor was involved in scandal and the company did nothing about it could have very deep consequences in the future awards of contracts.

Don't lose hope in the AF and the military. Don't assume they know anything either.

Call the base operator and ask for the Wing Commander's office and report it straight to him or his office or one of his aide's.

You have such great help here there isn't much more I can offer.

But a few things I read stood out, and I want to be clear that you do understand this. You said:


****edit****

Nothing, absolutely nothing, will devastate them more than to have their family ripped apart by an ongoing affair.

Soccer is something they love to do. Their family is something they NEED.

No sport is worth losing your family. If it boils down to having him in ANY of your lives or quitting soccer, the decision should be clear. He CANNOT stay in any of your lives.

BUT if you expose to the soccer league leadership AND THE PARENTS OF THE OTHER TEAM MEMBERS, then you have pressure on the LEAGUE to rid themselves of his presence.



****edit****

He is a horrible influence on your children and should have no part in their lives....even if he wasn't involved with YOUR wife.

Surely you realize that a coach has a HUGE influence on children's beliefs.

You should be VERY CHOOSY about who you allow to influence your children.

They will grow up thinking, "Well adultry isn't so bad, Coach So-and-So was a really nice guy."

They need the man in their life to stand up and say, "NO! I will not tolerate this in my life or in my children's lives. I love them too much to allow you access to them."


****edit****

They will need to find new friends. There must be no contact. It is unhealthy for your children to be around him and his family. It is unacceptable.





****edit****

Your youngest is the same age as my youngest.

Say something like this:

"God designed marriage for a man and a woman to be together in a special way forever and only with each other. Mommy has chosen to have a secret relationship with another man that should not happen because she is married. I love mommy and am fighting for our family to stay together. But mommy must stop all contact with this person for that to happen. What is happening is not your fault, and there is nothing you can do to fix it. Mommy and daddy have to do that."

Please do not tell them this has nothing to do with them. That is such a lie, and I am infuriated with that mantra. Kids are not stupid. What is happening in your marriage has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THEM. It affects their lives in ALL ways. That is a line adults say to make THEMSELVES feel better. But when you examine the words, you see it is a lie that only confuses the children because THEY KNOW it has everything to do with them and how they will live the rest of their lives.

It is NOT their fault....but it does have everything to do with them.

Make sense?


Expose because it is the right thing to do. Expose because you are fighting to save your family.

Sorry for the threadjack,

Hey SMB,

How the heck are you? Where have you been? I have missed you.

Hi Queenie,

I've been in hiding from you-know-who.

I've posted a bit under SunflowerSmile (with Mods permission), but "he" found me out. I just can't post without bearing my personal experiences. So, I really don't "hide" well.

I've been following your thread. You are an AWESOME Plan B Queen!

T/J over.

See you on your thread, Queenie!

COGuy,

Registered Letters to the following...

Soccer Club

Corporate HQ the company this scumbag works for. (If he's Civil Servant, disregard).

Program Manager he works for locally

The Airforce Wing Commander

The GF of Scumbag (make this letter signature required "HERS")

No deniability with registered mail.

Definately the Base/Wing Commanders. Get base information at their visitor center at the main entrance. Also find out if he has a security clearance because that would be a integrity issue.

OM’s background and the list of exposure targets you are receiving here is very good. I used all of them and more when I confronted wife’s OM.

One person I also had on my target list was OM’s first wife. His current wife is the OW from his first M. OM was much more concerned with exposing to his xW than to his current W. I thought it strange at the time, but upon reflection I believe he wanted to maintain some fiction that the breakup of his first M was not his fault and not because he was and always will be a philanderer.

Appearances are very important to most serial adulterers.

And the security clearance approach is very useful. OM had clearances and I told him what I would say to DIS if he ever again even once contacted FWW or responded to contact. You can spin this to look very, very compromising.

With prayers,

****edit****

****edit****

Your counselor is wrong. I hope you told him about this site.

We have seen NUMEROUS cases where the infidels were forewarned, and it never turns out good. They are experts at spinning the story to do damage control. You will be painted as a jealous, psychotic husband who is trying to ruin their lives.

Then many folks won't believe you. The point of exposure is to shed light and truth on the affair. Chances are excellent that it will end when his GF finds out.

Like Mr. W says, she IS the old affair partner, but the strange thing is adulterors don't mind doing it to someone else, but they HATE it when it is done to them.