...although it may be a road we did not choose to take... I do feel privileged to walk it with the many here, picking each other up along the way when we fall....

Thank you, Queenie, for your support and comforting words and virtual hug...

....the same back to you!

(((((((((((((((((((QUEENIE)))))))))))))))))

((((Luna)))

I too took mine off recently. Last weekend was somewhat of a wake up call of sorts. It finally hit me in the face - the reality of what my WH did, the fact that I don't think I can ever get over it, and the realization that my M is really over. So I too sit today with streaming tears mourning the death of a long term reltionship. I know exactly how you feel. How do we ever pick up an go on? I'm trying to learn from you and all the others here who remain in a life long Plan B.

Luna and CL,

No we don't choose to take this path, but the Torah is filled with stories over and over again of paths not wanted to be taken, that turned out better than imagined.

We just have to have FAITH, our blessings are coming one day beyond anything we can dream up.

Hi CL,


...I know...it feels like being hit by a brick.... I am sorry for the pain, CL, but given the LOSS...and allowing yourself to see it for what it is.....IS painful...

...uhmmmm...life long? ....maybe... but I no longer try to GUESS the FUTURE! ....I am managing TODAY only...

...Plan B, protecting ourselves from continual abuse and neglect by WS, is being RESPONSIBLE for our own well-being......and for life, if need be! (...should a miracle happen, you'll think about it...THEN!)

...plan B does not ELIMINATE the pain...it does MINIMIZE it...A LOT!

...and it's our way of DEMONSTRATING to ourselves (and others) that we are WORTH the EFFORT...

...but DO GO SLOWLY, as you LEARN to be KIND to yourself... YOURSELF! ....which I am realizing we didn't do much of before...

...and sometimes, I compare it to when I was pregnant...I was scared whenever I thought about giving birth for the first time... I talked to myself a lot to convince myself that if soooooo many women before me could do it...well... so could I! ....and in fact I did not have any easy time with my firstborn.... but I guess I forgot about enough to decide to have another one!

...and today when I look back.... I KNOW it was painful at the time... but can't say I relive the PAIN of it everytime I think about it...

...and so, even though we did NOT choose this PAIN, it, too, shall pass... if seen as part of the process.... and not as a PERMANENT state...if you just hang in there!

((((((((((((((((((((CL)))))))))))))))

Hi Queenie,

...we cross-posted....


...sounds to me we are thinking along the same line....

Thanks, Queenie....

...the learning curve can be intense sometimes....

You and CL are in my thoughts... please take good care of yourselves....

((((((((((((((((QUEENIE & CL)))))))))))))))))

Hey Luna,

Hope you are doing well this week. The weekend for me was a crying weekend, but today the rollercoaster started back up. I'll be darned if I know what caused it to start going up again, but here we go. If I could just figure it out, I'd be on an up rollercoaster every doggone day. I just hate this.

Anywhooo, just wanted to drive by and see how you were doing.

And maybe it's designed that way for us to not forget the lessons.

I agree with CL, the rollercoaster ride down is HARD and SAD. There really doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to what happens, but with each one we get a little wiser on how to get through it and gain a little more insight if we seek G-d and in the end, we become a little stronger for it.

When it stops... who knows...

But how awesome to know that when that happens. Each one of us are here with each other and that's such a blessing.

Hi CL and Queenie,


...I am doing better...

I have found that there is usually a pattern to the rollercoaster... try and find out what yours is...

...what 'triggers' the down?
...what 'triggers' the up?

...then... you can start to take that into account when making decisions...

...the way I see it...Plan B and N/C with a WS....is a means of protection from a major 'negative' trigger... at a time when BS is SO overwhelmed by the challenge at hand... it's what I call...the need to stop the bleeding first...before even attempting to heal the wound!

...have you noticed that the less BS focuses on WS: knows/hears/thinks about WS...the better BS can focus on SELF: moods, attitude, productivity, level of energy?

...personally, I decided I would have a very 'productive' weekend... gave myself some 'measurable' and 'attainable' objectives.... just so I could be proud of myself! ...being PROUD is a very good FEELING to have...I highly RECOMMEND IT...gets the rollercoaster going UP!

Hi Luna,

I am really glad you are doing better. You are one of my heros in this walk and it pains me when you hurt or are sad. Even though sometimes the sadness is just part of our journey.

Yes indeedy...

I also have found the ONE PERSON I didn't want to FOCUS on was ME.. and it was so much easier to fix HIM..

But, I am learning to CHANGE that if I want to SURVIVE....

Hi Queenie,


...yep...you got it!

...it's no wonder then that we don't KNOW a lot about...SELF!

...Plan B is an opportunity to get to know 'ourselves'.... better identify our needs and values... and learn to be responsible for taking better care of ourselves and to live by what we value...then life can be more...enjoyable that way!

...by doing this, it also gets easier NOT to be tempted to lower our standards...and see a R with a WS for what it is: very TOXIC to our mental health!

Update.

Just wanted you to know, if anyone wonders, I am a little tight on time, and going away all of next week, so the little time I have I am mostly 'lurking' to see how some of you are doing...and what you to know that you all continue to be in my thoughts all the same!

On my end.... mediation session set with WS....June 12....

...no denying....it is quite the 'anxiety' ride preparing to face a WS....after being sooooo long in Plan B!

...and the 'finality' of M and family being replaced by the UNKNOWN....right now...is a scary vision.... as both had become such a big part of my personal 'identity'...

...the UNKNOWN is the total opposite of what I HAD envisioned... in my naive pre-D-day days! ...what innocence!

...I have to keep reminding myself that if I have made it this far...there is NO REASON to think I just can't continue making it FARTHER...

...and like everything else, it, too, will come to pass...

Hi Luna,

I'm glad you checked in.

Not ONLY have you made it this far, you have blossomed and grown so much in your life.

Yes, our innocence is gone, but replaced with wisdom and a better understanding of humans and our relationship with G-d.

Keep praying, asking G-d for his protection. Whenever I am in situations that would include the WH. I would pray long and hard for guidance on how to get through it. And it usually was OK.

You have a inner strength inside of you. You are a light in your family and will be AWESOME.

Where are you going?

bumping to hear all about Luna's trip. She should be home soon.

I miss you....

Hi Queenie,

Thank you for being so thoughtful.

Missed you, too. I am going to go check your thread, as well as some others, to see how you are all doing.

On my end...I really enjoyed my trip. Got a chance to catch up with colleagues whose company I enjoy very much. Learned a lot. Ate well. Laughed a lot. Got a chance to explore the city we were in by foot... had some really nice weather.

....just one MAJOR trigger to deal with.... spent sometime with a collegue who was going back home to....husband and kids.

...and so a bunch of unpleasant emotions surfaced wanting to let me know that a series of needs of mine are currently not being met.... urghhh.... as if I didn't know!

...uhmmmm....so let me...let them know...that they are not being 'ignored' and message IS being received loud and clear.... I am just choosing NOT to do something about it...at this time... and that I will do my best to do so...some time in the future....

ROLL CALL:....jealousy, envy, loneliness, frustration, disappointment... so, please move over now...until next time...

...so that I can appreciate coming back to my HOME SWEET HOME... the peacefulness.... the chance to get ahead on my 'projects' (one being organizing a 'musical' get-together with a bunch of friends next week... who are my 'local' support group....and who I am sooooo looking forward to seeing).... to having the pleasure of shortly going to pick up my oldest from his part-time job and giving him a bunch of big hugs... and doing the same with my youngest when he's back at home tomorrow.... doing my weekly phone update with my loveable mom tomorrow morning... looking forward to a good night sleep...

...but right now, I am going to be savouring a well-deserved cold beer watching 'nothing and anything' on TV!

Hi Luna,

You are so helpful when you write. You are so good at expressing things in MB principles that help me understand what is going on.

For instance, how MANY of our EN's are getting met. How have you come to accept that or learn to live with that? I think this is really important in our healing process. Because simply there are ones that you can't meet by yourself and yet for me, SF is my BIGGEST.

How was your cold beer and nothing on tv time? How was the reunion with the boys. I bet awesome.

I hope you have a nice conversation with your mom.

Hi Luna,

Welcome back. I hear ya on the ENs. Queenie's right, some you just can't meet on you own. Others, well it just isn't the same without a significant other. A life shared is double the fun (can't remember who said it, but I heard it somewhere).

Hope you had a great vacation...

Hi Queenie,


I hear you Queenie... which is what makes a BS 'vulnerable' and open to consider ANY relationship to meet certain unmet needs, and be tempted to 'settle' or 'sell out' for even an unhealthy, destructive, and abusive one for the short-term relief (which is what a WS does with an A!), and what a BS would be doing if continue to maintain a R with a WS!

...and which is why, like Plan A, Plan B also needs to have a time-frame....as TAKER can only be temporarily 'appeased'... to give us time to recover from the shock of affair, LEARN more about how to identify and best meet/communicate our/others' needs, LEARN elements of a healthy intimate relationship, which in my readings, more or less, are summed up by Dr. Harley's principles on what TO DO in order to have a healthy marriage...

...so that when Plan B ends (in the sense that BS will be 'open' to a R) whether it be with a FWS or a new person or solo, depending on our needs... with tools that will give us a shot at a better, happier LIFE!

Update.

Busy getting 'psychologically' ready for mediation session with WS this Thursday...and I will not be alone... because whether you like it or not, I intend to 'imagine' a bunch of you there with me...right behind me!

I am so liking it.

I have a decision to take.

Meeting WS tomorrow for mediation.

WS and OP (a teacher) both work at DS12's school. So, basically, the school and going there is a MAJOR trigger for me.


WS is responsible for putting on a play in which DS12 is involved in, and just learned that it is being presented tonight, (and OP will likely be there, too). Next year DS12 is leaving the school (thank God!).

I am torn between wanting to be there for DS12, and facing a major TRIGGER just before having to confront WS the next day.

I would have preferred NOT to have to deal THAT close together with two major triggers.

Just putting it out there... I can feel some anxiety rising... which is probably NORMAL given the circumstances....

Not sure yet how to best deal with it... what to tell myself... trying to figure it all out...

I know that some of you are PROS at going at events where WS (and OP) are present, whereas I have managed to avoid it as much as I could...

Any suggestions?