I helped raise 5 girls. Don't even get all excited about your DD12. She will get over it in about 7 or 8 years. Until then, it will be HELL.

Crazy, my DD is 12 too! She's not too bad though, not at all actually, she's being very (TOO) adult about things & we find ourselves reminding her to be a kid. With both my kids (DD/12 & DS/8) I just keep them talking. And if they don't feel like talking, then I'll tell them how I'm feeling.

DD's therapist told me a few years back, when we were seeing a lot of attitude with her, that she mouths off because she feels safe. It took hearing that to make sense of it and see it for what it was, but that helped me so much! It's not a big issue now but if she does take her hurt out on me, I know she needs to cuz she wouldn't dare give dad any grief - he's already left! So, although it's hard, let them vent & just stick to your guns & maybe see if she's willing to open up to you a bit once things have cooled off.

My DD/12 was VERY attached to my H so this separation has been a HUGE blow to her perfect world. Everybody needs a bad guy & although it hurts to be it sometimes, I'm glad to be her sounding board when she needs one. Of course she has my IM as a great support, the school counselor, and an IC too - as I know she won't ALWAYS want to talk to me.

Wh stopped by the house tonight unexpectedly. I stayed upstairs the entire time while he talked with the girls. He was only here about 10 minutes or so. He called for me a couple times, but I ignored him. He didn't come into the house entirely, he stayed in the entryway. *sigh* Sadness.

On a good note, I think that my in laws are going to buy the tv, so I will be able to pay for that accident. I'm going to ask the people to get another estimate, because I still think that seems expensive for the damages that I saw.

What I meant by your "power'.....

You don't seem to recognize that YOU can be the center of your decisions and actions.

You seem to still be making decisions based on HIM. What will HE think about XXXX. What will HE do if we XXXXX. What is HE thinking about XXXXX.

Now is the time for you to step up and lead. Make your decisions based on what is good for YOU, and your children.
He will follow. Or maybe he won't. But if he doesn't then won't it have been a mistake to take him into consideration?

I think you are too caught up and emotionally invested to see clearly how well your plan B is working. I think a lot of it is self-preservation. You're trying to protect yourself from getting your hopes up.

But I truly believe that if you packed up and moved, he would come to his senses and follow you. And I think that would be the best thing for your family. Get away from the enabling in-laws (by the way, them buying your TV is just a way for them to give it back to HIM...)

Get back to where YOUR support is. Right now you are surrounded by HIS support system.

And -- when you move, and he follows -- that gets him a good distance away from OW.

BLW,

GOOD JOB staying away from him! I KNOW that was hard...I know. Next time, should there be one, crank up the music & lock the door so as not to overhear anything & be having a good time, or call your funniest friend & carry on, laugh, etc. Make him wonder.

I know nothing of this accident, but I guess, if the in-laws out bid me on the TV, so be it...!!

Getting away from his parents sounds like a good plan. They are enabling him.

As much as I love my sons, if they were married with kids and had a girlfriend on the side, they would be sleeping in their trucks.

I understand what you mean about enabling him, but I wouldn't let my kiddos sleep in the car. I wouldn't agree with what they were doing and I wouldn't make it easy on them, but I would still give them a place to stay. They would be hearing it from me everyday though.

I want to leave in the morning, but I don't know. I want to at least go down there for a few weeks. But, now my in laws aren't going to buy the tv, so I don't know what to do about paying for the accident. *sigh* I want to get away from all this crazy stress, but more and more seems to be coming.

Thinking about just packing up clothing and essentials tonight and heading down there in the morning to stay with my mom until I get the money to move all the large items. I just want to get away from here. *sigh* I'm going to nap on it

I'm in a bad mood now. It must really be nice to be a man. To be able to leave your family, not have to pay any bills except child support, which isn't enough to really support your child. It must be nice to leave your wife with all the bills and not even worry about how they are gettng paid. Not worrying that she might not have the money to keep a roof over the children's heads or the utilities on, or the little extras that the kids are used to like cable television.

It must really be nice to be able to go sleep on mommy and daddy's couch and spend all your money on alcohol, fast food, and whatever the he11 else. I'm just so tired of having to be the one to worry over this, the one who has to rob Peter to pay Paul, the one who can't take the kids out to eat or shopping for clothes because I don't have the money. HE doesn't take them even though he has it because it's not something that he thinks about or probably even cares about. I'm tired and angry and all around disgusted with my WH and myself. *grrrr*

WH trying to get me to talk with him AGAIN. *sigh* He spoke with the girls tonight and wanted to come see them in the morning, but I won't be at home, so I had them tell him to just stop by when he gets off work (after calling first!) and I will go over to the neighbors or go upstairs and watch a movie so he can hang with them. Something. I dont' know why he can't take them to his parents like he used to.

Anyway, the girls telling him that wasn't good enough. He wanted to talk to me. I repeatedly said no and he got mad and said he wasn't going to talk through the kids. He texted me but I ignored him. *sigh* It's not as though what I had them say was complex and something that he needed to talk to me about. If he wants to talk to me so bad, then he can write a no contact letter to the OW and come home to work things out. That is the way it goes.

Hey BLW, you've got an IM right? How about a visitation schedule? I drew up my visitations & included it w/my PBL. Any changes or deviations went/go thru IM.

This is not about making life inconvenient for H, it's about living w/his decision! My kids will tell H he needs to contact IM if he tries to use them as messengers. My H hates it too...but not enough to grow up & get back to our marriage.

When we "talked" for hours a week & a half ago, H said to me, "do you know when I called (DD/12) to tell her I'd be late in picking them up, she said I had to call (IM)? I have to call (IM) just to get the message to you that I'll be late in picking up my kids? Do you know how inconvenient that is? It's stupid!"

Yea buddy, I know. Duh

That schedule really helps though, no guess-work. And if H breaks a date, that's on him - not me - kids know what's expected. Also, when we went to our first hearing, since we'd already worked it out the Commissioner went with it.

Wh doesn't have a set schedule with his work, so we kind of go by that when he wants to see the kids. I have no problem with him seeing them at anytime, but I don't want him in my house without me there unless I'm right next door. He might try to take some of the electronic equipment here....I'm not positive, but I wouldn't put it past the "WH".

My mom was supposed to be the IM, but half the time she flakes out with a "well i don't want to talk with him either!". I have no one else that can be an intermediary. I don't know what to do.

BTW, forgot to add that I'm down to pre-pregnancy weight. My MIL says my legs are skinny now and I'm all belly. Luckily, the doctor isn't too worried about it, since I wasn't a stick when I got pregnant, not fat, but curvy. I would much rather have been on the separation diet when I wasn't pregnant! Then I could have lost the 20 lbs, I've been complaining about for the past couple of years!

Hmmmmm...IMO, you're being too nice. You/the kids are too available to him. Too convenient for WH, thus too confusing/upsetting for the kids.

My H's work schedule can be quite the challenge especially w/summer upon us, so it's on him to either work around it or explain to the kids why he's not getting them. Yes, I "want"(ed) to keep the "super-dad" image for him too...but uh, he's not super dad right now! I had a lot of help in the beginnings & it's kinda like old hat now (sigh) but my H definitely objected to the once/week & every-other weekend. My response was something like, "I'm sure you'll agree we don't need to disrupt the childrens' lives to accomodate the adults' problems" He couldn't argue that one!

OH - and NO coming in the house - PERIOD! Again, w/us, even my kids have had to say to him (only on one occasion) "you can't come in here" Changed the locks too. Not fun, not easy, feels like being the bad guy...but this isn't a rehearsal - this is your life. BTW, it's HIS actions/choices that landed you here, no?

As for your mom, that is understandable. Remember it's only to be the important stuff - she doesn't need to hear how upset he is or how he doesn't appreciate this or that. If you need to let him know you need $300 by Saturday, have your mom relay. If he needs to tell you he can't make it for his 6:00 visitation, she should relay. "How'd the soccer game/Dr. appt/dinner with friends go" should never get thru. Believe me, soon they learn. Your mom can simply say, "I'm sorry, I'm not going to tell her that. Please refer to the letter she gave you..."

There is no 24 hr. hotline!!

I'm trying to help you. I know this is hard. More importantly, this is really taking a toll on your well-being & the kids are surely confused.

I'm going to try to work out a schedule. He can go to his manager at work and work it out. It DOES make it easier for the girls and makes it easier for me, too.

Man, I'm tired today. I've been having lots of false contractions and they are pretty painful. NOthing like labor of course, but enough to make me stop in my tracks. I've also been having shooting pains down my lower abdomen. No idea what they could be, but I know it's not round ligament pain, I've had that also.

Ok, enough complaining. I think I had an epiphany last night. I'm not sure if I'm in love with my WH anymore. My pride still smarts and I'm hurt, but I really don't know if I'm IN love with him.....does that make sense?

Oh, I hope that you are doing okay. Stay off your feet and rest.

My last pregnancy (the quick birth one) I had SHARP contractions that were quite uncomfortable.

Are you 34 weeks now? (Believer, counting the weeks, crossing her fingers and praying.........).

Don't worry about thinking you don't love him - that may change by tomorrow.

I'm okay with it and kind of hope I stay this way. Things aren't seeming so hurtful and I really want what is best for him, whether that is me or someone else. My jealousy doesn't seem out of hand and I don't wonder what he is doing or thinking. I don't really care. But, you are right, it could change at any time.

Oh and I was 33 weeks yesterday. LOL. I'm getting really, really excited. The girls and I have been boxing up stuff that we don't use daily and getting the baby's bassinet set up and all that. They have been such a great help.

A good, dark Plan B is a life saver. It will help you think more clearly, and preserve what love you have for him.

33 weeks is GOOD!!!!!!

Have you decided who you are going to take for support during labor and delivery? I would be thinking about that.

Yes, your girls will go crazy about a little brother. When I had my kids, I had quite a few neighborhood little girls who were my friends. I still remember bringing the baby home and them all lined up to kiss him, how they all turned into little mothers helping me with the baby. You're a lucky woman.

Thank you very much. I do feel blessed, even when DD12 is mouthing off

I;m very excited about the baby. Not excited enought to want him to come THIS early, but pretty darn excited! My best friend says that she wants to be there with me and will leave work no matter what when the time comes. My mom will be there and I can bond with the girls while waiting for one of them to arrive. Of course, I don't want the kiddos in there while I am in a lot of pain or in active labor, but I wouldn't mind having them there while I am in the easier parts of it. Haha if they saw what really happens, they would never want children and my line would die out!!!

Can you get a spinal? I had both my boys by natural childbirth - IMHO highly overrated.

LOL I had an epidural with my first and it was bliss....well that and they kept me loaded with demoral. It was the greatest. With my second I didn't have anything and while she came quicker than the others, I wouldn't wish that on anyone! With the third one, I had an epidural that only took on one side and they wouldn't give me any more pain meds. I had back labor and her head got stuck....it SUCKED!!!! Big time. But, they were all worth it.

I wish I could just get general anesthesia like my grandmother did and just wake up and BAM, there is my baby! LOL, sounds like the best plan to me. I think the whole, all natural, this hurts but I can get through it thing is for the birds. None of the breathing techniques, music, etc worked for me. I don't have the attention span for that stuff.

LOL, the natural birth worked with my first. The breathing made a difference. It was EASY.

With the second, I was ready to jump off the gurney and run out of the hospital!

Glad you have some support!!!!