I don't regret exposure, but wish I had done it differently. Different targets, different message ... it would have been much more effective. I didn't wait to talk to SH though before I did it (I'd been counseling with him intermittently at the tie, as funds allowed), I just followed the advice on the board. I have also read other stories where the Harley advice on exposure was different from the "shock and awe" plan that is promoted here.

I'm not saying that exposure is a bad thing. I do think that COGuy's situation is a little out of the norm (his wife is not currently active in the affair, although she is still having contact with the A partner), and that the Harley's may have a different strategy for exposure. COGuy was also concerned about choosing between the advice of a professional (his current MC) or the advice on the board ... I think a discussion with another trained professional (one of the Harley's) might help him make that decision.

So, what did the Harley's advise you to do about exposure? In what order?

There is nothing here that would contradict MB principles. Sometimes Steve gets a little more creative and may do something differently, but that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the advice on this thread. I mean, he told a man a couple of months ago to PICKET the OM's place of business. Does that mean that every BS who doesn't picket or take out a billboard is "doing it wrong?" Of course not.

So, you can't take what he told you to do in your specific situation and extrapolate that to mean that anything else said here is, therefore, WRONG. It's not.

The only counterproductive advice I have seen here is the advice to FOREWARN the WS. That would be a very bad move that would cause more problems. And I have NEVER, in all my years here, heard any Harley recommend forewarning. NEVER.

I would still like to hear the story. I pride myself in knowing all of the details of each person's exposure story.

So far, I've only known of onc person that regretted it. Now we have TWO.

I've seen the results of exposure on this board and have to side with the "shock and awe".

Forewarning will give them the chance to do spin control.

My exww beat me to telling her parents. It was a big mistake on my part. But I don't think they would have reacted differently.

Do not forewarn!

Shock and awe is the way to go!

Expose now before MC messes you up by him exposing your plans to your WW.

Next, father's day, forget about it!
Dam the torpedos full speed ahead.

Expose now. There is nothing to gain by waiting.

Shock and Awe won't depress her into suicide. I have never heard of a wayward committing suicide, they are FAR to self-absorbed and omnipotent to do that. Sure, in withdrawal, IF OM runs for cover and dumps her she MAY become depressed and suicidal but that NOT because you exposed her. OM has to dump her. The affair HAS to end. You can't be expected to tolerate it on the outside chance she could become depressed and suicidal. YOU matter too. What about the outside chance YOU will become suicidal if your wife divorces and steals custody of your children and burdens you with exorbinant child support.

Further, I wouldn't let the counselor handle any of it. Stand up for yourself. Exposing the truth is the RIGHT thing to do for all the parties involved. The truth shall set you all free.
She will grow horns but you stand up for yourself proudly and with the knowledge that YOU stood up for righteousness in the face of overwhelming evil. Have conviction in what you do and you'll respect yourself as a husband and father even more no matter the outcome.

Again...YOU matter.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - If we were talking to you back in December 2007 I MAY consider a plan of concentric circles of exposure but you've been manipulated for too long already and the time for serious action is NOW. A strong bold move will actually aid you in recovery as you've been pretty weak so far (I understand). Your wife will eventually need to be attracted to you again in recovery. Your actions to date haven't been the strongest. You can see that yourself...I hope...I don't mean to offend you because I understand exactly how difficult your position has been and no one was telling you how to do it differently. It's not like you've experienced this 3 times before in your life and you're supposed to know how to do it. You just hoped you could hide and the ugly monster would disappear. It hasn't. Time to man up and slay this dragon. We can only advise you based upon our experiences....YOU have to garner the courage to access your situation and TAKE ACTION. Courage is to be found in the doing it.

Co:

You have to expose right away! The more you wait the greater the chance the WW and OM will guess your plan.

You seem way too hesitant and showing concern for everybody including the feelings of OM. You have so much empathy for everybody that you are paralyzed by your own analysis.

EXPOSE RIGHT NOW!

I suspect that your MC will warn your WW. EXPOSE NOW!

BTW, many WWs go to MC while continuing to have sex with OM. The fact that she shows up for MC is meaningless.

YOur MC is like most pop psych folks that want everybody to feel good----including your WW. There is no point in avoiding exposure so your WW feels good. She will only crash when the affair ends. She is still in the affair and she is taking you for a ride.


AS LONGAS THERE IS CONTACT WITH OM YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

THE ONLY WAY TO GET permanent NO CONTACT is with exposure.

Don't do this to yourself. Expose right away. Then have a family meeting and inform the the children.

Thinking about Father's day is a moot point. Sounds like someone whose house is on fire and is worried about a plant in the backyard that needs water and fertilizer. Who cares about Father's day! You are about to lose your marriage!

DO NOT FOLLOW THE ADVICE OF MC REGARDING EXPOSURE AFTER WARNING EVERYBODY.

For the love of God expose now!

Listen to the folks here. Most have been here for years and their collective experience is massive regarding how to handle your issue.

Trust me on this one. Your wife is an addict to the OM and she is madly in love with OM. It gets worse, the love feelings in an affair are much more intense than romance in the open. The secrecy, the hurdles, and the limitations on encounters create an obsession of major proportions for the lovers.

Your wife will betray anyone, including you, your children, and her parents to keep this affair going. You have no choice but to expose immediately.

If COguy's marriage counselor is reading here, he should consider a couple of things;

1. Harley is a specialist in marriage recovery. He is likely the best in the business.

2. Many of the recommendations for exposure are from people who have had direct contact with one of the specialists at his coaching center or Harley himself.

3. Harley has dealt with many thousands of couples over the years and has developed a specific plan that works.

4. Yes, there are other competent psychologists in the field but none that I have seen conflict with Harley's positions.

I have spoken with three psychologists about Harley's work. They seem to think it is no big deal. Since I am not a shy and retiring person, I dove right in and asked why. After some hemming and hawing around, it boiled down to confessions that they were not specialists in affair recovery.

Let me say this again, all three finally confessed that they were NOT specialists in affair recovery. Only one of them had any idea the PEA is meth like in screwing with the brain and consequental conduct.

I do know of another psychologist with a national profile who reads here from time to time for his own good reasons. I know because I have corresponded with him on the subject. And I also know because I have spotted his user name logged in

_______________________________


Lets back off a little. Wife here may or may not be still in PA with the cretin. One of the main emphasis is to discredit the guy because he is a serial adulterer, with at least THREE or FOUR families broken up because he is willing to do it.

So in reality, it doesn't matter if the PA is going on or not. The task is to pound that OM into a grease spot. The task is to get him away from impressionable young women ( and mothers ). The task is to introduce him to the consequences of his cretin behavior. Shock and awe is the way you turn a guy like that into road kill.

Larry

****edit****

I think your letters are well written. They are to the point, rational and most of all: believable. I wouldn't change a word. You did a good job, COPGuy.

Only one suggested change:

"Some of his history is well known. . .

This implies there may be even more sordid stuff in his past and/or present.

First rate in every respect, you did a good job. What about his employer, first wife, nanny, Church (if any) etc.?

Larry

COGuy,

Two caveots(sp) If I could:

1) Do not destroy any of the hard evidence that you have in your possesion.

2) That "friend" your WW was emailing to about her escapades is not a "friend" of your M, but rather, an enabler of your WW's A.
IMO, she needs to be gone as well.

All Blessings,
Jerry

****edit****

I think that point 2 here generally gets understated in recoveries. I insisted on my wife's complete cut off of anyone who helped enable her cheating. I didn't care how long they were friends. If you surround yourself with toxix people it WILL rub off.

Anuyone who enabled her cheating should be removed from your lives, FOREVER.

My prayers are with you COG. Stay firm through this very trying time. This is how we teach our children about love, honor and marriage. We lead by example. We fight for what is ours. We show our children our unending love for them by the pains we bear to protect them.

My God be with you through this all. You are an exceptional father and husband!

Good job.

Good job on the letters.

When your wife finds out that she is exposed she will be extremely angry, so expect it. As she is spewing venom from the wayward handbook, just let her know that you will do what it takes to protect your marriage and family. You don't need to argue or love bust, just repeat you will do what it takes.

Usually they are only furious for a couple of days. And chances are excellent that OM will dump her. He will probably quit coaching and attempt to salvage his relationship with his GF. He will have his hands full.

Sit calm when exposure takes place. Best to keep reponses with WW to a minimum. Just say I did nothing wrong. I just told the truth.

COPGuy,

One thing that might be putin your letters or really it is just a thought. When OM ends it with your W, then the wives of all of the other families on these teams and in this organization are at risk. He sounds like a man skilled at turning women's heads and has the track record to prove it.

I suspect he gets his thrills from breaking up marriages and praying on married women.

Good luck,

JL

My thoghts exactly JL,
This man is a predator and a player. If he has moved on from COGuy's W, then he is imo, undoubtedly persuing yet another "soccer mom" out there somewhere in this league.

This man is like a pedophile in charge of a kids recreation league. Only he persues the wives of kids in the league.

If COGuy disclolses, some other "soccer mom" just may wake up before it's too late. JMHO

All Blessings,
Jerry