The "Calling all Goddesses" thread is in the General Questions II forum. It gives you some ideas for starters on things to do for yourself. It started I believe from a group of women that were in Plan B. Awesome ladies!

I'm on my 2nd M and so is my H. It's hard enough being M, let alone working on a blended family. And then add to that the demands of jobs. I commute 4 hours combined daily just so we continue to have the lifestyle that we want. Through the EN questionnaire (we redid it recently since 02) I actually got real with myself about Financial Support being one of my top five needs. So we've POJA that I will continue to work for 4 -5 years longer and he will complete his Engineering degree and then I'm done. I can either retire or I can choose to work part time.

It sucks that your H had his ONS. It sounds like he loves you dearly and you can save this M. It appears to be a result of your M not being nurtured. My H had EA's to nurture his self-image. I used to be the one that did that. I made him feel like a King, but got tired, busy, stressed with all that we've gone through with my children, etc. - no excuse!

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and there is hope and part of the Recovery is Self Recovery.

Good luck!

My life is and always been an open book. If there is anything you wanna know, ask. My husband does not extend the same courtesy to me. (as of this week he locked his phone....because of texts we get from adult friends...so our kids cannot get in there...I got in when he got a txt one nite from my older son, the code is the last 4 of his phone number...factory setting...he changed it again, after I told him I saw the text from my son) So, of course I am thinking he has more to hide.

He told me this am, he changed it again, to see if I would look at his phone again without asking. Why am I the one under scrutiny!??!?!?

I am learning that I have given more in my relationships than I ever get.

I have learned far too late that my life and dreams account for something too. I intend to make the last part of my life the best. I have spent far too much time doing and and pleasing others as the expense of my own soul.

His counselor saw him twice and is ready for me now....I think he needs alot more one on one counseling as well.

Yesterday he threw me under the bus at work.

This girl (who is shady and is in and out of divorce with her hubby) invited my husband out a few months ago to a charity dinner, she *had* an exra 100 ticket. yeah. Ok.

I told husband I thought she had ulterior motives and she did....She said her hubby was home with her kids, but in fact, she booted him out. I don't trust her.

Fast foward to yesterday. Same chickie is having a July 4th bash at her house. (she has a DUI too, still drinks...)

Husband's coworker asked him if he was going....

He said, "No, because my wife doesn't like her"

His friend said...."Well, aren't you allowed to have fun?"

He said..."Well I am respecting her wishes"

(I was never even told about this party at all until he already declined going!)

Uh, why don't you tell J. that maybe you need to show where you want to be to me and that you had a one nite stand last month? Why is he putting the blame on me? He could have just said, "Hey, I am playing out that day, spending time with family, etc....." But he was quick to make me the villian and no one has any idea what Dave is doing.

Do you see his comment as wrong, or am I being overly sensitive?

He is a past Alcoholic, sober for 10 years. I believe he is a functional one now. He was sober when I met him and drinks occasionally now. However, he has driven 2 times when he shouldnt have, bedded another woman, gets mad and goes out drinking (in fact he asked if he could go out last nite to the bar as I went to bed early and I told him I would not be able to sleep.) And I am remembering more and more incidents where he was inappropriate and was drinking. I hardly ever drink. If I never could have another drink I would be fine. I don't think he would be. I am off to Alanon for myself, soon.

He has driven twice when he shouldn't have, had an affair, made a friend of mine uncomfortable with his blatant flirting with her at Opening day this yr for baseball, goes to the bar when he is pissed off and last nite wanted to go up there for a few, as I had to go to bed early as I am working days and have to be up at 4:30am. I told him I wouldn't be able to sleep if he left, worrying as drinking and him being away from me generally are not a good combination.

I haven't been sleeping well, hardly eating and I crashed hard last nite when I went to bed. He came up at 1:30am, history deleted on computer and cell phone locked. I have no idea if he stayed, left or what he did.

IMHO, these are not behaviors of a WH that is wanting to save his M.

Blocking the cell phone and deleting the history on the computer are red flags for me personally. These are triggers for me and my H agrees to be open and honest in these areas "forever" so that we can stay on the recovery path.

This link talks about Extraordinary Precautions. It does not sound like he is working on recovering from the ONS.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html


Read up on The Giver and The Taker:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html

It seems like your WH is being the Taker right now.

Will your MC be working with the 2 of you together soon?

Does he understand that this behavior is hurting you? He said he wanted to stay and make things better, why would he want to have questionable behavior that would hurt his wife?

Yes, those are huge red flags for me too. Yes, the MC will be working with us soon. My counselor is married to his, so I want her present and I haven't met with her yet.

His office friends think I am a jealous, insecure, nag who won't let him go out and have any fun. (regarding the July 4th party)

When I asked him why he used my dislike for the girl throwing the party to get out of going and how that made me look, he said....

"why do you care what anyone thinks of you?"

And I told him he must not want the office to know about what he does out of my presence so he must care a little bit, to pass the blame onto me.

Interesting comment when the one that seems to care what others thinks of him is your WH. He is the one using you as the crutch for not going.

Hopefully these are the things that your MC will work through with the 2 of you. Has he been open to doing any study of his own of the MB concepts. Do you have any of the Harley books?

This week, he was emailing a mutual friend of ours. He asked me if he could call her. I did not say either way at first.

A girl who I am friends with, met thru mutual friends,who we have known for about 6 months or so, and we just basically send jokes back and forth...Her husband and her have a truck and we do and they go mudding....we had hoped to do that together soon. I asked to see the chat back and forth.

Seems he asked her if he could call her before he asked me....if she was home and he would call around noon on his lunch. Yahoo mail timestamps now.

So, I was pissed, I said I would call her....(actually I lost her number as we got new phones and she is always accessable by email anyways...I am not a phone person).

I told her what went on and she completely understood and said if her hubby did that, his clothes would be burning on the front lawn.

So, this week, I sent a boundary. No calling other woman WITHOUT telling me first. Even if they are my friends. One night stand was a friend.

Fast forward to today. He was going to the mall to get a tile matched for one that fell off in the bathroom. He sees some friends of ours...She is someone I vent to alot...and again, I don't even have her added into my phone, I do most of my stuff thru email...They have a unique car they take to shows...A Seline Mustang. So, he calls her.

Then texts me at work.....(and I don't answer back as I am working and have fire depts out on a fire) and tells me he saw her....and called her.

He then CALLS me at work and tells me he called her and that she would love the company at AA meetings and she touched on some things that he didn't think about. I was cold and mad on the phone.

I logged off for a minute to get up and call him and burst out crying, telling him that once again, he neglected to come to ME before anyone else. It is all what HE wants to do. And then tries to tell me about her wisdom regarding AA, which I am sure she has. It still does not make it right, he still does NOT honor my wishes, or respect my boundaries and he still doesn't get it.

I wanna barf. I feel like complete and utter crap. I have been telling him that alcohol is a problem and all of a sudden someone else can tell him? That hurts.

Do I want him to see the the light? Yes.

Am I happy that someone can help him? Yes.

Do I trust my gf with the Mustang? Very much so....I have touched on his selfish nature with her before.

I just do not feel like I matter much in general.

Bully,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. He is being EXTREMELY inconsiderate of your feelings, IMO.

One of the LB:


It seems like he is continuously testing your boundaries like a child.

I have nothing left to give.

My kids were at their fathers this weekend, we get them back tommorrow. I welcomed the break, so we could have time to ourselves, but I have nothing more to say. I did not really talk, laugh or discuss anything with him. My life feels like an out of body experience right now.

I cannot eat. I have eaten Immodium for 11 days straight and it hasn't worked yet. I can sleep like the dead, due to the fact that it is an escape measure for me.

My aunt is dying from cancer, we will find out how long she has this week. I am miserable.

The kids are with me from tommorrow until Saturday and then they are at their dads for a while.