I am sorry that you had to see her and relive the pain, I can't even imagine, but I know the pain of seeing her now, so I can only imagine.... What tornado? What state are you in?
I know that this will affect us from now forward, I guess I am still just trying to find my "sealegs" I feel as though I have just continually been bombarded by crap and I am reeling. I don't know that I would be able to stay and really "recover" here if my husband would come home. I think we would have to move to a different town, nearby is fine if he wants to keep his job, but so much would have to change for me, but I am getting ahead of myself!


How do I do this? I mean really, I am not trying to be smart, I am looking for suggestions. I don't have a car, so I am trying to be creative with things to try to find joy and change the sadness for the children, but I don't have a counselor because I can't get there, and I don't have anyone that is willing to really come here and help, so I am struggling to figure this out. I am taking classes online to earn my masters degree, so I am doing something, but I feel like that is so not enough! Not that it doesn't keep me busy, but I still feel numb and empty. I have even tried hosting home party type get togethers to try to get some friends/people to come over and just visit for something fun, but no one shows up (except my mom and sister)! I have been having anxiety/panic attacks lately and I am not sure what to do, my H said that all he had to do was get my medical records and he could prove that I wasn't mentally stable or fit to be a good parent! Go figure I was on antidepressants to deal with a miscarriage, and trauma from a car accident that left me in pain for 7 years, but I am not supposed to need help to manage, oh yeah and my husband abandoned his wife and children for a woman who is 10 years older than him, but I am supposed to be happy and know how to keep it together with no car, no money, no job??? AHHHH, there I go again off on a tangent, but really I don't really know what to do or even try, I don't have a babysitter, haven't been able to find one to replace my old one, she is leaving for college in 14 days!


I don't understand, I thought Plan B was very clear Her or ME, until he leaves her or files for Divorce, NO CONTACT from me? Please explain.


I really really want to change, not that I think I am terrible or anything, but who would want to go through something like this and not come out the other side a changed and better person. I want to be better not bitter! I just don't know how or where to start?!?

Schoolbus,
I tried to find that post, but don't know where to look or how to find it? Can you lead me or point me in the right direction?
Thanks
KLB

Good morning everyone, it is 9am here and already very hot, but the sun is shining so beautifully, I just wish I could shake this pain in my chest/fear. I don't know what to do, I just want to give up! I just want to run away from here, bill collectors, credit card companies, my wedding anniversary is this week, Fathers day.
I know that God will not give us more than we can bear, but I don't know how to do this. I just want someone to hold me and help me and tell me it will be okay! I hate being like this, I hate feeling like this!
I have been in Plan B for two weeks now and I can't seem to focus or figure out what to do for me and the kids. I feel so lost and alone, and I come here and try to write it all down so that I can get it out of me and find some peace.
I hate what he has done to our home, our marriage, our children, to me. But, I guess I should hate what I allowed to happen! I should have seen and known before so much damage was done, but there I go again THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!
Two weeks and nothing, no calls for his kids, no e-mails, nothing, I guess I should be happy and thankful for the break, but I can't help but think I pushed him further away! I know that in one sense I did.
I have been researching OW online to try to find out who her parents are to expose to them, but the thing is what if they are like my in-laws and are happy for them and don't care what he/she did to get it, they would be like most of the world today! The funny thing is he left all of this for a woman who is 10 years older! Who is no further ahead or has no more in life than we had! What was so special, important or good that she was worth throwing away his wife, home, children, finances, job, reputation, etc????? I guess I just don't understand because I am the one left behind to deal with reality and responsibility!
Well, I must find a way to pull it together for the kids.....

It is good that you are staying in Plan B.

I forgot. When is hubby going to have to start paying child support?

Hugs, klb (((((klbenfield)))))

It WILL be "okay," klb.

It MAY be with or without your husband, but it WILL be "okay."

What you are feeling is NORMAL and also felt by God.

For example, remember what Jesus said about the Jews?

"How often I have wanted to gather you in my arms as a hen gathers her chicks, but you WOULD NOT."

Jesus knows.

He has also provided for you, HIS child....He has given you "another Comforter," the Holy Spirit.

Rest in Him.

Talk with us.

Share your burdens.

We've "been there" and understand too.

The "valleys" we walk are dark and terrifying, but we don't walk them alone. We can't see, but He can.

"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me."

We DO fear, but we don't "have to." Take His hand during this time and just let Him be the guide, going where HE knows the way through this valley.

God bless.

The support hearing is July 18th, he has been paying voluntary support of $500/week till then

Thank you so much ForeverHers, your wisdom and timing yet again are of God! I have been feeling so sad. I know that this is the place God wants me right now, but I just can't seem to find the surface and feel the breeze. I just can't seem to lift the fog I am feeling.

God is with me, he will never leave me, I know this and believe it with all my heart, but all the mess my husband has made feels so much like it is mine and mine alone to bear. I am okay alone and don't mind being alone with the children, it is the knowing that because we live in the same neighborhood we are going to on occasion see one another and the not knowing when or if is the part that I am struggling with yet. I want God's peace to flow through me, but I don't know how to get to it. I have asked, but I don't feel it, I still feel lost and empty? Am I doing something wrong? I have been studying the Psalms, Proverbs, and reading Job. I am trying to seek the Lord, but I don't know?

No, klb, you aren't doing anything wrong. You are caught up in the "world" and it is against God, and you are sort of the "collateral damage" because anyone who does stand with God will be persecuted also, just as Jesus was.

Let me give you two things that may help you with your focus. Read them, think about them, and see how you might apply them to your situation.

THREE times Jesus prayed to the Father to see if there was ANY way that He could accomplish His task of redemption without having to endure separation from the Father (something that He had NEVER known for all eternity). When the Bible speaks of Jesus not "grasping" His equality with God, His "role" in the Trinity, but willingly gave it up to take on human form in order to pay the penalty required by sin (even though He himself was and is sinless), it is easy to "gloss over" the magnitude of what He did and what He would do in order to satisfy the righteous justice that was required by God for sin.

He, in his fully human form, sweat "drops like blood." It was INTENSE. He KNEW the price and He knew the Father set the "requirement" that would satisfy the penalty for sin and establish the means by which all sinners COULD be saved from the penalty for sin and have a restored relationship with God for all eternity, not just for our brief time here on Earth.

Can you imagine what Jesus ENDURED for us by submitting His "will" to the Father's will? It was NOT physical death, though that was painful and terrible. It was SEPARATION from the Father, THE penalty that was the just "reward" for sin. He who knew no sin, gave Himself out of love for the Father and love for us, who were created with the express purpose of having an eternal relationship with God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit).


Second thing to think about.

You are caught up in the "raging storms of life." They happen, unfortunately, because we ARE in a fallen world and we are all sinful by nature. When we give ourselves over to sinful temptations, such as adultery, it affects not only ourselves, but it affects all around us...as it is affecting you and your children...no matter how much denial your husband may currently be in.

Here is the thought:

"When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat and walked on the water to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. (Matthew 14:26-32, NIV, emphasis added)

What can we learn from this?

Keep your eyes fixed firmly on Jesus, who IS the Son of God and Master of all creation.

Hold His hand and let HIM lead you safely to the "boat."

The raging wind and seas of life DO NOT end as soon as you fix your eyes on Jesus or even when He reaches out and takes your hand while you are doubting.

The winds die, the seas calm, and life is SAFE when Jesus takes you by the hand, walks WITH you, and you both arrive at the destination He has set HIS eyes on.

"Is anything too hard for God?"

It may seem like it while the seas of life are raging, but He IS God and all things obey Him when He chooses to act, in His timing.

God bless and comfort you and give you the peace that comes from knowing Him and walking with Him each day, no matter how stormy each day may seem at the time.

Hi KLB,

I haven't had a chance to catch up on you, but I wanted to give you a hug and let you know you aren't a lone.

We are all here with you, but more than anything else G-D is there right along side you.

{{{{{{{{{{KLB}}}}}}}}}

What a night! I have taken some time to reflect upon the sage words that you sent the other day. I have to say that the Lord definitely is using you and I am so grateful and blessed for that!


WoW! What a powerful way to look at this, I never thought of myself as just collateral damage, but you are so right. My suffering is first and stinks, but mine is minor business compared to the mountain that my husband is amassing.


No, and I am grateful that my suffering isn't even a fraction of Christ's suffering for ME! I know that I have had a hard time enduring this. God tells us too that Jesus' suffering was so intense and horrible that God made the earth dark for three hours to conceal it from being known, so we really can't even fathom it.


Yes, but we in our impatient, impertinent humanselves want it immediately, I want it now, you know yesterday! I know God's timing is perfect and that I am in the palm of His hand, it is hard to not know the outcome. It is so hard to keep things in God's hands and not try to take them back and try to fix it or "help" God out, as if I ever could!
The Lord has been placing the song "Be Still My Soul" on my heart lately. It has been a great comfort. The other song that means so much right now is "How Deep the Father's Love for Us" sung by Keith and Kristen Getty. I am very moved by music, it seems to touch me like nothing else.

Thank you for your wisdom, Now how do I get through this weekend with my Anniversary and Fathers Day? Any suggestions?

Hey Queenie! Thanks for the hugs, I am praying for you too, how are things for you this week? I am trying to be strong, this weekend is my wedding anniversary and also fathers day, first one alone!
Other than that I am doing okay, so far it has been a quiet week. I had the opportunity to get away with my family this weekend and have some time to think and pray and just BE. It was wonderful!
I am finishing up my first Master's class this weekend, so far I have an A! I am so proud of myself, I was afraid I couldn't do it, but God has other plans for me than even I know!

Praying and thinking of you...
KLB

Music is a wonderful gift. There are many songs that I found to be especially comforting, so let me just offer two of them to you to add to your "collection."

Peace Like a River

Great Is Thy Faithfulness.

One relatively new, one relatively old...both with powerful messages of hope and peace and God's love for us, even during very difficult times we may face.




No great "words of wisdom" to make it all better. My anniversary is this weekend, so I know what you may be feeling.

The "best" thing that I can offer is to "stay busy." Get out of house with the kids and go do something. Don't sit around with "just your thoughts." You will have the thoughts, because times such as these DO tend to trigger us, but give yourself a "break" for a while and concentrate on the blessing of children that God gave you as a result of your anniversary.

Hugs, klb.

ForeverHers
Thank you for the song additions, yes, they are wonderful also.
Thank you also for the suggestions for this weekend, I have been looking for something/somewhere to go with the children, but I think it will have to be enough to just walk to the park. I have the money saved for when he didn't pay me, but I really didn't think that he would go to that too, but I guess I was wrong. I really feel sorry for him when he gets his head out of the fog and realizes or is shown all that he has done, I would so be overwhelmed with shame and guilt.

I will try to search for the "be still" thread. It was an old thread, and since the switch over to the new boards, it might be hard to find.


Plan B is about many things. One of the things certainly is about the idea of putting the WS into a situation where the OP has to meet all of the emotional needs. The OP usually isn't really good at that, because the OP is not the family - the WS has a family, the one they left, and miss, and want to be around. The family that is familiar, and "home".

Plan B also forces the WS to look at what it would really look like to be divorced. No pesky spouse to interfere with my affair, no no no! Now I'm free as a bird, yes siree! Only what they usually find out is that the affair isn't quite what it was cracked up to be.

The WS begins to wonder why the BS isn't missing them, chasing them, calling them, begging for them to come home anymore. Why did that BS stop wanting them? Why did that BS send that letter, and hey, that BS cannot kick ME out of her life! I AM THE ONE WHO IS IMPORTANT HERE! You see, it is all about the WS. Plan B begins to make the WS question what is going on in the BS's life, and why they "let them go" all of a sudden, too.

Routine settles into the affair relationship pretty quick, and that fantasy bubble bursts fast. Boring is the word of the day, and the spouse begins to look better and better, because the affair partner's true light begins to shine. See, that OP cannot keep up the mask all day every day, and neither can the WS. It is too much work! Nobody can pretend to be someone they are not for that period of time!

Usually, the WS tries different tactics to get the BS to break Plan B. Watch for this. There will be all sorts of "emergencies" that are not emergencies at all. Lost socks, broken pencils, you name it. But it will seem that only the BS is the person who is capable of solving the problem, or the only person on the planet who can answer the question, and it MUST be answered at that very moment in time. Watch and see - because it will happen. If there are kids in the mix, the kids will probably be used in one of the calls - lost school papers, can't find the diaper bag, where did you put the medicine.....

Many times there is a cake-eating situation, where the WS convinces the BS that they want to come back, but cannot hurt the OP; and convinces the OP that they cannot leave the BS because of the kids or some other reason. This way, the WS tries to have it all. Plan B works to make the WS quit this behavior altogether (more often than not returning to the marriage).


Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

The BS is in quiet and peaceful rest phase.

You are working on yourself, separating yourself from the drama and trying to keep yourself from thinking daily about what the WS is doing in affairland.

Working on things exactly as you describe: taking classes toward your Master's degree, throwing parties just for fun, taking the kids outside to play, having a weekend off while Grandma takes the kids for an overnighter, etc.

The BS focuses on changes within themselves that they feel they want to make - maybe they have identified something through reading about affairs or marriages that they realize was something they did that was negatively impacting the marriage, and they want to make a change regarding that behavior. So they actively work on it - be it through independent reading, posting and learning here, counseling, or what have you. Maybe they take up with a local support group and work with others who have the same desire for change.

Maybe the BS needs to focus on her body and joins a yoga class for strengthening, weight loss, and better health, because she recognizes that her WS has an emotional need for an attactive spouse, and she also has wanted to focus on this as well - but she neglected this for many reasons. She wants to change this and now is the time. She chooses.

Maybe the BS feels the need for a larger role for religion in her life, and joins a particular group for that growth in her life.

Maybe the BS just always wanted to learn how to belly dance, so she takes a class to learn how.

Or wanted to raise dalmatians, so she buys two and starts a kennel.

Or decided she wanted to work in the local soup kitchen.


That is what I meant by "work on yourself". Whatever you need to do to make positive changes in yourself that make you the best you can be. You identify your needs for emotional, physical, spiritual growth, and work on them. The focus now, is you. You know what your husband's EN's are, and maybe you want to do one thing that would improve yourself in that arena. You know what you want - and it sounds like you want a Master's degree!!!! And you're doing that - congratulations!

And yes, throw parties - laugh out loud. Have fun, and when your kids come home, make Kool-aid popsicles and have a party with them, too, when you aren't reading for one of those classes.

Plan B is many things. But it is NOT about the WS, thinking about him, worrying about him, or anything of that sort. It is all about YOU.

Sb

Thank you Thank you Thank you SchoolBus,
That was exactly what I needed! I knew it, but to read it and have it said by another thank you.

Today was a good day, I got the kitchen/dining room cleaned out, got my homework done, and kids had a happy play date!

I have been having a hard time feeling anything but numb, but you are right I have been doing it and the feelings will come, but I need to keep going one day at a time and before I know it the day will come when I don't hurt. I read that the best fastest way to forget someone is to forgive them. I thought I had forgiven him, but have realized that I have been holding onto pockets or that I keep picking certain things back up! It is so hard to lay it at the throne of grace and leave it there!

I had a wonderful time sharing with my pastor yesterday, he shared that he has been praying over this situation and my wanting to have the baby dedicated since we had been putting it off due to my husbands wayward and disconnectedness for the last, well, long time. Anyway the pastor said that in his prayers for wisdom in this that the Lord reassured him that my story is not finished that he has both my husband and I in his hand and in regards to the baby to "Be Still" Which made me feel so good and at peace because since last Saturday when I prayed and gave that request to God, he has been continually putting that song on my heart "Be Still my Soul" It was just so reassuring to hear that I am walking the way that the Lord wants, I want so badly to keep him as my center, to not put my husband or anything else ever back in God's spot.

Thank you SchoolBus for your love and encouragement, I pray for each of you and thank God daily for the encouragement and provision of the MB site in my life! I must get some sleep I have a long day tomorrow, I have 3 huge projects due for school this weekend, but I am so proud of myself, I have a 100% so far in my course!!!!

Queenie- I have been praying for you and I saw a post on your thread and wanted to congratulate you on your middle son's graduation! Way to go, mom! We mom's must remember that we are their encouragers, and whether they say it or not they love us for being strong through the valley. I received this poem/story as an e-mail the other week and I can so relate to the feelings, and in fact I read it often to remind myself just how valuable I am in my children's lives! I pray that it will uplift you too!

I am praying for God to strengthen you and keep us on the Plan B path to self discovery and healing! Together we will all make it! Love to you, KLB


I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is theDisney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied h istory and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

She's going ... she's going .... she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean.. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, " I brought you this."
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "With admirati on for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
* No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
* These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
* They made great sacrifices and expected no credit..
* The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending s o much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."

And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linen s for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot see if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

author unknown

That was really beautiful klb! I know as a young single parent, i often felt just like Ds' mother. It was not a badfeeling but sometimes I did feel invisable. you can feel so proud of what you areaccomplishing under such duress. someday your children will remember that even in the worst of times, you were always there mom and you always put there needs before yours.

I am so glad that you went away with your family last weekend. You really needed it. As for this coming weekend, try not to dwell on it. Make new memories with your kids. the last two weeks, I have gone through a couple of milestones quite uncerimoniously. (sp) One year since D-day and one year since I confronted him 10 days later. I had already decided that I did not want to make an issue of the dates and I chose not to think about it. Sometimes I had to say out loud, "Get behind me Satan!"

I took back those dates and now I can finally not say, "this time last year he was..." It is a good feeling. This time next year, you will be in a better place, one way or the other. You will be a stronger, better person. Maybe in a stronger, better marriage. Maybe not. God already knows how this will end so just let Him walk you through it. We will help.

I will pray for you each day.

Gods Blessings,

Say

Thanks SaynoMore,
I am glad for the changes that are happening, but even more grateful for starting to believe in them/me! I know that I have a lot more changes to make and a long journey yet to go, but I at least feel as if I am beginning to make progress emotionally. I know there will be times that I will again sink or begin to fall, but they will be fewer and farther between!

Time to go play with the kids....

KLB

Okay everyone, I need your help again. My "voluntary" support for last week was supposed to be deposited on Friday, June 7th and was not put in, I talked to the lawyer and he basically said I have to wait till support hearing in July before anything can be done. He mentioned a Petition for Special Relief, that will entail an outlay of Dollars disproportionate to any potential benefit. I copied this from his email because I have no clue what this means!
Since I have no plan b letter to him, and no intermediary since they quit. What do I do? I have money saved for this, but is there anything else I should do?

Also the kids are having a hard time it has been almost a month without any contact, I asked if they wanted to call and talk to him and they said no, but I really don't know if this is right or not? Please advise...

Otherwise we are doing good today!

I imagine this petition for special relief would include asking for a disproportionate (unequal) amount of support than what is normally requested because of some allowable basis in your state. (Example, in states where adultery is a "ground" for divorce, the Court can order a disporportionate share of the marital assets to the one who was not at fault.) Understand?

But, if you didn't understand what your lawyer meant, ask him! He works for you. Ask him to explain it to you in layman's terms.