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Shelly: Listen to me. I am worried about you taking care of yourself. Right after pregnancy, some women get PPD- with your scenario- I'd say you may be likely to get a "double whammy". There is depression anxiety people are born with the tendancy to have, but there is also situational depression- means that the outstanding influences are causing an anxiety- there is nothing wrong about either kind. You sound pretty calm. Understand that any emotion you may be feeling now- (and for up to 18 months or so after delivery) you can't trust your initial interpretations of your emotions. You may think you feel things- but it very well may be other hidden other causes making you feel that way- you need a counselor. Right away. It is reccomended that a BS go on an anti anxiety pill (are you breastfeeding?) to help stop the NORMAL anxiety of having to deal with an affair- YOU, with 2 kids a job and a dog. WOW- make that a tripple whammy with a rotten cherry on the top. You need to build an invisible cacoon around yourself first, you and your babies next. This is a cacoon of attitude and love and protection. When you feel your defenses are down, your cacoon is weak- it should be your signal to mentally and emotionally regroup. (Don't be afraid to say to people, "I'm sorry, I know I should do a...b..c..,whatever>, but right now I just need to think, be alone, talk- whatever you do to regroup. I mean bless yourself with the kindness to give yourself space. Do you know what I mean? Women and mom's tend to give out 100% of themselves, we feel kind of bad if we don't-- but give ourself some rope-be kind to shelly time.  Get support, rally your troops. Tell everyone who loves you what your intentions are. Get a confidant, bounce all your frustrations on him/her- don't let loose on your H or kids. Read the "carrot and stick" of Plan A. Make sure you understand the reasons and functions behind Plan A. There is good advice there. There is a fine line between Plan A and Plan D (doormat) P.S. The military looks very very down on this behavior. If you can expose at work- I'd do it- he will get little support for his actions.
Me; W 46 Him; H 46
2 girls DD19 DD16 Dated/Married total 28 years. ..I am learning and working on myself.
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P.S. Feed that poor puppy a box of ex lax and send "em back to HER house- Perferably with a long car ride each way.
No, on second thought. I would not do that even to a dog- But a WS, Maybe
Me; W 46 Him; H 46
2 girls DD19 DD16 Dated/Married total 28 years. ..I am learning and working on myself.
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Well, he called this morning and apparently they're back on again. I don't know why I'm surprised - I knew it would happen. I guess there was a part of me that thought, "This is it. He's coming home." I had planned to put Plan A into full force once he was home. It's kind of hard to do with him not living at home.
In any event, I think there is definitely troubled water in affair land and I just need to ride it out. I don't think I mentioned it, but they had one other little 'break-up' before. It was the night before Mother's Day. He had been complaining to me about his living situation and I told him he should go live with her. I wanted to push him to her because I knew reality would set in a lot faster if he moved in with her. I guess I got his wheels turning. I told him stuff like, "Why can't u live there? She lives alone in a 3 bedroom house. If you 2 love each other and are committed to each other.. go live there." So the night before Mothers Day I got a text from him blaming me for the breakup. He said, "Thanks, now she and I are over because you think I should live there." That was on a Sat night and by Tuesday they had made up.
So this was their second little break up in a matter of one month. I just wonder how many more of these before the BIG one that makes him realize this is never going to work. The one thing I do know is that he's not happy. I don't really think she is either. It's almost like they're trying to force this relationship.
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Hang in there, and don't give up. My ex and his OW had absolutely no problems for several years. But once the relationship started cracking, it was a goner. They had breakup after breakup, and finally broke up for good.
I'm very optimistic about your chances. They are much too early in the relationship to have so many problems.
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believer- If you don't mind my asking did your WH come back to you (or try to) after the relationship with OW crumbled? Did he ever acknowledge that it was a mistake and should have never happened?
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My ex's affair lasted almost 3 and a half years. The affair ended less than 2 weeks after our divorce was final.
Then it took him around 7 months to come out of the fog, and he wanted to reconcile. By that time I met someone else.
He has told me how sorry he is, that he regrets the day he met the OW, that he is kicking himself, that he had a good thing with me, many, many times.
You need to keep your chin up, because affairs always end. The fact that there are problems so quickly is a GOOD thing for your marriage.
Have patience, continue Plan A, and bide your time.
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Wow! Thanks for sharing. Funny how once your D was final, they broke up for good.
I didn't realize how long it can take for the fog to clear. I guess I'm hoping that H's fog clears quickly. I know I just need to sit back and be patient, but it's so hard. I wish he could just see what I (and everyone we know) see.
Aghhh...patience has never been one of my strong suits. I also feel like I want us to hurry through this whole thing and get to recovery so he doesn't miss out on too much more of our boys' everyday lives. But...I will be patient and do Plan A as much as I can.
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My case was somewhat unusual. FOr one thing, our kids were grown and out of the home. And it was kind of a midlife crisis for him. But they got along like soulmates for a long time.
So I'm encouraged that your hubby will end the affair soon. Too many problems too early in the relationship. I'll give the affair another month or two.
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Hello-
I am having a hard day today. It's funny same days are easier than others.
I truly believe, in my heart, that we are not over. This affair will end and we will be able to recover. The WHEN is the big question...
I have heard that as more and more reality sets in, the fog will begin to clear as the fantasy dies. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions about how I can speed up the reality setting in?
Thanks again. I don't know where I'd be without the help of the people on this forum.
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Hello-
I am having a hard day today. It's funny same days are easier than others.
I truly believe, in my heart, that we are not over. This affair will end and we will be able to recover. The WHEN is the big question...
I have heard that as more and more reality sets in, the fog will begin to clear as the fantasy dies. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions about how I can speed up the reality setting in?
Thanks again. I don't know where I'd be without the help of the people on this forum. I would recommend reading this book. I mentioned it in another thread, and it seems to be very helpful in getting through times like yours. http://www.amazon.com/How-Mend-Your...mp;s=books&qid=1213214462&sr=8-6
Last edited by introvert; 06/11/08 03:02 PM.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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Have you exposed the affair to everyone? I'm sure it will end, but exposure does wonders.
I would especially expose to his work. I don't think color guard soldiers are supposed to hook up with the bereaved survivor.
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I've exposed as much as I can. He knows what he's doing is wrong because he barely talks to his family now and when he does, it's small talk. Before this, he spoke to his dad every single day (his fam is 2000 miles away in another state.) He has dropped all of his friends too. They don't hear from him anymore.
I remembered something that I want to mention - about 6 weeks ago (before I found MB)I told him that I hope he knows what he's doing because she has nothing to lose in this and he has A LOT to lose. He replied to me, "Even if I were to come back, you would never let me live this down." I thought for a sec and said, "Yes, actually I would. There would be a trust issue for a while, but we we would get past this and move forward." I also mentioned that I would want us to go to MC. He didn't really answer after I replied to his comment. Does his comment indicate that he feels like he could never come back? It's tough because i don't want him to feel like i wouldn't take him back, yet I don't want him to think he can just do whatever and have me as a back-up plan.
One more thing - is it normal for WS to think OW is his soul mate? He's mentioned at least 2x that he has found "true love" and that she "loves the inner me."
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The "soulmate" stuff, the adulteress knowing hte inner him, and you would never forgive him is all word for word from the wayward spouse handbook. They all say that stuff.
Assume he is having an affair. Start Plan A, and do whatever exposure you can.
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He replied to me, "Even if I were to come back, you would never let me live this down." I think this is hugely significant. If he thinks there's no hope of ever being forgiven and having a good marriage, then he has no incentive for returning, even if the A ends. Part of Plan A is to show how good life could be with you. It also includes stating boundaries... and part of boundaries is the good part if the boundary is respected. Rather than some moving target that keeps the other person off-balance, it is clear what your requirements are for recovery, and what you will do for your part. If you are doing Plan A, maybe you want to work out the details here of exactly how to implement it, so that your WH is able to see some hope of a good life if he does rejoin the M and work toward recovery?
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Thanks for the responses!
I am trying to do Plan A as best I can. He really does have it sooo much better/easier with me. We have/had a good life. He just needs to realize and admit it to himself. I am very down to earth and easy to get along with. I've never had a problem with him persuing his hobbies. There have been plenty of Sundays where he's gone for a good part of the day golfing, or spending Sat night at a friend's house having guys night watching a boxing match. I'm not one of those wives who doesn't 'allow' her husband to do those things. On top of that, I've always made sure we have money to take trips and do fun stuff with the kids. I don't think he realizes how much of his lifestyle (and ours too)will change if we get a D.
Any other ideas about how I can enhance my Plan A? Thank you!
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Any other ideas about how I can enhance my Plan A? Thank you! Ok, these are just my ideas, someone else may know better than me... Have you figured out his top ENs (Emotional Needs)? It sounds like you're really easy-going so maybe you don't have very many LBs (Love-Busters) but it's worth some self-examination there too. (See below for an example of a possible LB.) There are questionnaires for ENs and LBs. You can fill them out the way you think H would, if he won't fill them out himself. There have been plenty of Sundays where he's gone for a good part of the day golfing, or spending Sat night at a friend's house having guys night watching a boxing match. I'm not one of those wives who doesn't 'allow' her husband to do those things. You want his most enjoyable times to be with YOU, so he associates you with feeling good. If RC is one of his top ENs then you REALLY want him to be spending that time with *you*. Have you read about the policy of spending 15 hours a week of UA (Undivided Attention)? It actually wouldn't hurt to be a *little* more like those wives who don't "allow" their husbands to do a lot of IB (Independent Behavior). What things does he enjoy, that you might be able to join him in? This may take some brain-storming. We can help you with ideas if you want. If Admiration is one of his top ENs then make sure you find something to compliment him on every day (sincerely), and maybe write little notes too. Etc... the article on ENs gives lots of ideas. On top of that, I've always made sure we have money to take trips and do fun stuff with the kids. This is good, if he has FS (Financial Support) and/or FC (Family Commitment) as top ENs. Those are often more of the wife's ENs though. Could it be that you are meeting the needs that are important to you, rather than the needs that are important to him? That's natural, we meet the needs we know about and think are important, we show love the way we would want someone to show love to us. But that doesn't do much good, if they don't *feel* loved and bonded. The fun stuff with the kids is good if you have FC as a top need, but you really need some alone time, some couples time, no matter what your top ENs are. The goal according to Dr. Harley is 15 hours a week of UA, and time with the kids doesn't count. (Don't turn the counting up the 15 hours as an LB though. IME it's best to just do as much of it as you can, and if you want to keep track you can.) Ok, I promised you an example of a possible LB, and here it is, however small: He just needs to realize and admit it to himself. This sounds like a DJ, Disrespectful Judgment. I hear you saying that everything would be fine in your marriage if your H would just think the way you want him to think. He is a separate person. Yes, joined together in M, but you still can't force him to do, be, or think any particular thing, he is still capable of thinking things differently from you. Plan A is about you making yourself into the best wife and person you can be, and not about *making* your H think or do anything in particular. You want to make these changes in yourself, for yourself. It is likely to lead to an improved relationship with your H, because you will be making deposits into his love bank instead of withdrawals. It may even lead to changes in him. But you can't force him to change, and if you are "acting nice" to produce changes in him, that's insincere and manipulative, and isn't Plan A or MB. (Not saying that's what you're doing, just explaining some stuff.) One last thing: He really does have it sooo much better/easier with me. We have/had a good life. I'm not saying you're acting like a doormat but I want to make sure you realize Plan A isn't about being a doormat either. I say that just because what I hear you saying is that you are trying to be as nice as possible to him. Plan A isn't just about being "nice". There's more to it than that, and at some point being "nice" (as in a doormat) is against Plan A. It's good to come here and work out specific examples of what you're doing in your plan. I hope you can use some of what I've written. There's also an article describing Plans A and B if you haven't already read them.
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Jayne has excellent ideas. And I suggest that you work on all of them.
That being said, I don't think that this affair has anything to do with your marriage. I think he got caught up trying to help a friend's wife. That is dangerous. I don't know if you read about the 911 widows, but there were a whole gang of them who ended up marrying (or having affairs with) the other fire-fighters who offered them grief support.
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Jayne-
Thank you so much for the ideas! I am trying to learn as much about Plan A as possible while doing the best Plan A i can since he's not living at home. Having money to do stuff for (and with) the kids is very important to him because growing up he didn't get very many splurges. He's always loved that we're fortunate enough to do a lot w/our kids(amusement parks, the zoo, pro sporting events...) all the things he didn't get as a child.
Believer-
Thank you so much for always responding. I truly appreciate all the advice and suggestions. (I am so glad I found MB!)
I hadn't heard about the 911 widows. I can now see how it can happen - grief does a funny thing to people. I guess I just thought H would never cross that line w/a woman who was with his friend.
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It's difficult to Plan A when the spouse has moved out, but a lot of ppl here have found ways.
If having money to do things is important to him, are y'all still doing things like that together?
What else are you doing, since he's not living there? Others have done things like daily text-msging or phone calls or emails, for example if Admiration is a top EN. Lildoggie has recently been through having to Plan A while her WH had moved out, you may get some ideas from her thread. They even took a previously planned family vacation together with kids, and while they were gone her exposure letters were delivered, and almost as soon as they got back WH asked to move back in! So if you're still going places with the kids you could certainly get some ideas there. (This sort of thing meets the needs of RC and FC, and FS for the money to do so)
Does he ever come around the house? You want to make sure that you and the house and the kids always look top notch every time he sees you. (meets the needs of AS and DS)
If financial security is important to him, would he like to see signs that you have money to pay for that extra special touch - I dunno, fresh flowers on the table, a new dress, a nice steak dinner with all the fixins, etc? Or is it the other way round, he would appreciate signs that you are saving money - an inexpensive but nice cookout with burgers, changing your own oil in the car, a yard sale to clear the house of clutter, etc? Just throwing ideas out there. (meeting the need for FS, plus possibly DS, FC, RC)
Are you able to meet any RC (Recreational Companionship) needs, like by doing fun things together - just you two? Any hobbies of his that he's always wanted to share with you?
At the same time, are you taking care of your own self? Not just physically, but also emotionally and socially? Meaning, are you taking the time to meet up with friends, get out of the house, get your mind off of your problems for awhile? It's good for him to see you being healthy and secure in your own self, doing fun things, etc. You become more desirable that way. Plus you FEEL better!!!
That's part of Plan A too.
Working on the details of the plan IMHO helps your emotional state. It always feels good to have a plan of action. You no longer feel helpless - you are taking action! You can do this!
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Yes, having $ to do stuff is very important to him. As I mentioned before, when he was little he didn't get to go to amusement parks or NHL or MLB games very often so he has always loved that we've had the means to do that stuff.
No, we don't do stuff together anymore. He takes the boys to do stuff, but it's just the 3 of them. He does come around the house so I do make sure it looks nice when he's here.
Yes, I am getting out and doing stuff with friends and family. I am making sure I always look great when he sees me. I'm also trying to lose the weight I've put on from my pregnancies. When he left in Feb. I weighed 35 lbs more than I did when we first met. I have lost 13 lbs. since then.
Do u think I should get him a Father's Day gift? I hadn't thought about it until today. I would like to and I think it will tie into a good Plan A? Of course he didn't get me anything for Mothers Day, but I shouldn't lower myself to his level, right?
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