Yeah, it's funny how that works, isn't it? You are the one being violated yet you feel weird and wrong about having to snoop around.

Try not to let it bother you. He is the one in the wrong and this is information that you need. With mine, oh it was SO hard because I didn't want him to know I was snooping until I knew what I was going to do with the evidence!

Just hang in there, Janey. You'll get a lot of help here for your marriage and your piece of mind!

Take care,

Charlotte

Hi Folks,

Thankyou all so much for sharing your wisdom and experience. Deep down I do know that Plan B is the correct thing to do but I have just been putting it off.

H phoned me this morning and said he watched TV by himself last night and went to bed at 10.30pm so didnt hear his cellphone when I called. Funny about that, I phoned him at 9pm, 9.30pm and 10pm, so he should have been able to hear and answer it. Another lie.

I have made a little list of all yesterdays lies so that I dont get confused by his lies.

I have another question to pose:

We are currently not living in our home country and have both decided to return home and search for jobs there. We hope to leave host country in approx. two weeks time.

Now then, for Plan B, when should I tell him. I would like to tell him after we arrive in home country, but I dont want him to shift back into marital home with me. I want to get him out of this country so he can receive the help he needs and get support from his family in this regard. I want to be able to move on with a clear conscience, as I do care about his physical and mental health and I love the man he used to be, even though too much water has passed under the bridge for me to accept him back as my marriage partner.

Do I tell him when we get off the plane?
Do I tell him at the front door, "Oh by the way you cant come in"
Do I tell him when we are in our own home?
Do I tell him after I have secured my financial position and explored my legal rights? (which would involve continuing as we are for another couple of weeks after we return home)

With the support I have received here, I realize that I am not mad, or a bad person for contemplating a Plan B, and now I have the moral courage to set my boundaries much much higher, and refuse to be maried to someones boyfriend.

BTW our children, D19 and S15 agree with a separation. And just so you know, our finances are in a terrible way. I just dont want him running up more debt. I have already been exploring job options for myself and will need to do some further training in order to secure a job that will enable me to support myself.

Thanks for listening to me.

my vote would be to wait until you secure your assets then give him the boot

Agree with pops. You have waited this long, there is no reason to wait a few weeks longer while you get yourself situated.

Hello everyone, long time no talk, sorry. I am posting with new name cos I couldnt remember my user name etc. But still Janey. lol Well, he finally left just over 12 months ago. It was a big relief for me as I could start to let go of having to try and second guess everything and just address my current situation. I have a good job plus my own business and am studying in order to further my career. Our kids are happy and have jobs. Money is still a struggle cos of the debts I am left with. I am still living overseas and my kids are in home country, I miss them but I am working towards a positive goal. I am happy on my own but I still love the man my ex used to be and I feel terribly sorry for the way things have worked out for him. I dont know if he has been able to fix his drinking problem and its something that he has to face up to if and when he is ready. I want to thank all of you for your support, you stopped me from really thinking I was insane. I still feel confused about those years when he was leading a double life because I feel that the life I was living at the time was not what I thought it was. I would like to know what lies he used to trick me for so long, so that I could sorta fill in the gaps in my life. Any advice on this? Or should I just keep squashing down my curiosity and keep moving on?

Hi Janey. Welcome back with the update and letting us know that you are doing okay.

Curiosity probably serves no useful purpose at this time. The fact is that booze changes people. He is no longer the person you loved. That person is gone.

Now it is that there was a famous basebale player by the name of Satchel Page. He pitched all the way up until his early 60's. Much like the more famous Yogi Berra, Ol' Page had his words of wisdom.

In your case, Satchel would have said: "Don't never look back, something might be gaining on you."

Larry

This sounds like such a long term problem that is compounded by the fact your H is living away from you for significant periods of time.....

Please do whatever is necessary to protect yourself in the following ways:

1. Secure your finances: check on all banking, savings, investments to make sure your H is not spending joint funds. Then think about seeing an attorney to discuss a possible financial agreement that secures basic funds to support the household, you and your children no matter what happens. If you H wants another chance and you're willing to give it, he should be willing to do this as a condition.

2. If you have an intimate relationship with him STOP!!! Get tested for STD's and if he wants another chance with you, insist he get tested and give a copy of results to you.

3. I would seriously consider at least a separation from him until you have time to deal with your own feelings about this. He is a long term, serial cheater, even if its only emotional (which is doubtful). This is a lifestyle for him. Will be very hard to break, and if he's not worried about you leaving or kicking him out, he's got no reason to change. Begging has worked before.

Sorry you're here. I know this hurts. But how do you want to spend the rest of your life?

*edit...didn't realize I was replying to an old post.*

Good luck, Janey.