How you will always be able to face anyone and know that you fought your hardest for something so precious as a marriage and family. And NO ONE can EVER take that honor from you. NO ONE.

You are a spirit of the highest class lady and deserve nothing but all that's good in life.

Thank you, Queenie.

The feat ahead all of us:

.... remaining flexible WITHOUT compromising .... respecting others WHILE continuing to respect ourselves... the beauty and simplicity of such a thing as a... PLAN B!

...as you all know...easier said than done...

...but I have faith that having the courage and aiming to only ACT out of love and from the heart, our greatest gift as humans (as opposed to giving in to our fears), will provide the internal connection within ourselves and with others that I consider is the greatest source of energy for the human spirit...not only to survive...but to thrive! ...which will allow us to reach our greatest potential... and with it, the pleasure of an unimaginable feeling of satisfaction!

...so let's NOT 'settle' for anything...LESS...

Morning Luna,

It's early and I didn't sleep well last night, but

I need to look at this further when I am not so tired, I sense there is strong insight into this one.

Getting ready, again, for second mediation encounter with WS.

Well...I am back from the second mediation session with WS...

I felt OK and much much less triggered by the presence of WS...

Unfortunately, the mediator will not be available before another month... and one hour seems to fly....and considering all the details we need to work out... another 4 sessions may not be enough.

...WS from the beginning has been wanting to meet with me for discussion purposes....

...I am SURE before I was not up to it...

...after two mediation sessions...I am starting to feel that I MAY be up to meeting with WS...say, in a public place....with the understanding that if I did not feel comfortable for either one of us, we could just end the conversation... so that we can advance us further with the terms of Plan D...making it clear: NO R discussion...

...I KNOW I am dealing with a WS... and I have to be careful... he is DEFINITELY in the 'blaming' mode.... hurt....angered... because things are not going the way he wanted them to go or be....

I am wondering if I would be 'sending the wrong message' if I were to be open to meet WS NOW to further us along....with an understanding that it would be temporary.... and that I do not intend to be involved in friendly co-parenting, and would go back into Plan B as soon as we finalize terms...


I am going to sit on this for awhile...

...would appreciate some feedback from you guys...

I am also wondering what's up with me....

...I was really expecting to be 'triggered' a lot... and was quite surprised by my reaction (or should I rather say... so little reaction) in being in the same room as WS...

...have I detached enough or too much from WS? ....does it mean I have healed enough NOT to be triggered in presence of WS? ...have I gained THAT much confidence in myself and believe in myself enough to be able to assert myself / deal with a WS?

...am I better able NOT to react to WS? ... because his accusations were really 'rolling off' my back sort of speak...whereas before...I think they would have felt like a knife being turned in the wound...

Maybe I have moved on to another stage of the 'grieving' process....

It feels 'weird'...that's for sure!

Luna,

While it is certainly your choice, and you have grown MUCH stronger (even more than you know), based on what I've read on your thread, I'd say it's not a good idea to break your Plan B.

From my own perspective, I know how much stronger I am when it comes to seeing Drac these days. It's amazingly easier. Better than I expected it to be. YET, I know if we sat down across the table from each other, one on one, the aftermath would not be good for ME.

To Be Totally Honest, though, you may be much stronger and further along in your de-tachment from your WS. Only you know that for sure.

There is a set plan and process in place for the meditation to be completed. What would be the reasons to deviate from the plan? Write it out. Make a list of the reasons TO meet with him and the reasons NOT to meet with him. Which list is bigger? and WHY is that particular side bigger?

Ultimately, no matter what anyone here says (myself included), this is your life and you are going to be the one living it. Do what's best for you.

{{Luna}}

Hi Bugs,

I really appreciate your input.

I am going to see how far we get 'within' the set structure of mediation and with the safety net of the presence of a third person...although WS seemed to be in a hurry now... and then I will evaluate, depending on how far we get, whether we would be prepared to continue with mediation, at a cost, or be ready to go back to communicating via attorneys, or if a 'respectful' enough environment has been set by that time for me to consider 'unsupervised' exchanges with WS to finalize the terms.

Even at yesterday's meeting, in seeing WS wanting to 'defend' his actions, do some 'finger pointing', the mediator did ask at one point if we wanted to limit the discussion to resolving issues in order to move forward or to open it up to revisit past events...

My answer to that was more or less the PBL...LOL!... and that I saw no interest in discussing our R (I actually said that I saw it as a waste of time) as long as WS chose to continue to be involved with OP and therefore as far as I was concerned unable 'emotionally' to commit to a healthy discussion of our R.

...but the process of staying focused and NOT lose sight of why I am there.... to finalize terms to further 'separate' myself from WS and his unhealthy choices....and not be drawn into the chaos and 'reactive' mode of WS.... is EXTREMELY demanding!

...I would really like to figure out a bit more what's happening with me.... how much does this have to do with my, only now, being able to SEE WS for what he is... sooo much LESS threatening... and so how much of this before was all about ME giving HIM power me...

...you know how it is.... when someone asks a question.... having the reflex of feeling 'obliged' to answer... when in fact... one has the CHOICE to answer the question...or NOT!

... it's that same sense of 'liberating' feeling... learning and being disciplined enough to take part in ANY exchange...on a volontary basis only... and to have the right to 'walk away'from it...politely!

....so... seeing it as a learning process of how NOT to be 'entangled' in the other ... and remain separate... speak MY truth.... there is no bigger challenge than doing it with a WS!

....I like a lot your idea of making a list of the pros and cons... and is it worth the 'emotional' exposure to a WS!

I sense this is the kind of place a BS would need to be to consider some of Orchid's babbletalk.... no powerstruggle... just a mirror of what WS may say... and let him stew in his own contradictions!

...or maybe I have 'told' myself enough times that.... I will be OK, with or without WS.... I now have gotten to the stage of actually.... believing it..LOL!

...I certainly appreciate the 'sense of peace' which seems to be stabilizing more and more in my gut...and replacing the constant sense of anxiety that was previously present there!

{{{{{{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}}}}}}}

This is what it's all about.

Appreciating the sense of peace that G-d allows back into our lives so that we can continue to heal and walk along our journey.

Luna,

Hi - I just wanted to say hello. You are tops in my book! I've caught up some with what is going on with you. You are an amazing person.

Take Care,

Kimberly

Kim,

Thanks for dropping by and for your support.

At times I am struggling, as all of us do at times, with life's challenges...

...the key...when down... is to figure out a way to dust oneself off and continue...

...which is what we are all trying to do here, and help each other do!

((((((((((((((((MB BOARD)))))))))))))

Morning Luna,

Amen to this.....

Without MB, dusting off wouldn't be the same and it would be so lonely.

Queenie,


....actually, Queenie, I was soooo down... dusting myself off wasn't even on my radar had it not been for the support I got here...

I owe a lot to the Board... and it's where I come essspecially when I am down... and if pressed for time, I 'lurk' and sometimes just seeing the amount of courage and generosity and perseverance around here 'hits the spot'....

I love you guys...

Courage, and generosity are plentiful here.

As well as the drama. I do not mean anything against any posters, but--luna, surely it must make you feel better to know that at least you aren't having as bad a time as certain others. Cold comfort, but...

Anyway, you sound like you're doing good, so keep it up.

Luna,

Yes, MB is fantastic. A great group to draw strength from. Blessings to you and your boys.

Well...here I am...looking for support and strength from you guys....

...from those that I can count on to better understand how ANY contact from a WS can send a BS...even staying as dark as I can behind Plan B...can send us back to square one...in a SECOND!

...how long will I continue to be this 'fragile'...it does scare me a bit!

...I guess will be OK... I am trying to learn from Bugs with Drac and SL with PWC... and others...on how to best approach ANY contact.... being present in the same room... and here and there...because of the kids....whether we like it or not... get info. about and be in contact with WS... somehow...

The next mediation session...to further discuss WS's attorney's proposals back in April....won't happen before the beginning of August (mediator not available before then).... and this is not going as quickly as WS would like it to be.... so he has written an email asking me if I could get back to him about it....

...that was the whole point for the mediation session... to give me what I consider 'a safer place' and a less costly way to discuss the said terms...

I know that it's WS putting pressure and that he does not have a inkling of what it can do to a BS.....

...and so far...the best way for me to process the level of anxiety that results from his 'pressure tactics' is to come here...

...as I suspect those around me, similar to those that care about any BS, not wanting to see us in pain (or worse, are getting tired of hearing about it), also just want me to 'get over' and 'move on'....and don't understand that the process...given the circumstances...can be very long....and so I have stopped really talking about how I feel to them about WS...

...I don't intend to reply to his email... but it hasn't stopped it from getting my anxiety level UP a BIG NOTCH!

I don't know what he can do at this point.... am I fearing his reaction? ...I will just have to wait and see what happens... can't be any worse than it already is...or can it?

At some level...I also want to get plan D over... and be financially detached from WS... I suspect that's where part of the anxiety is coming from.... until we settle the terms.... I am still legally and financially 'linked' to WS!

Luna....taking very deep breaths!

It always amazing me how, no matter how far we get, in pratically a SECOND we can go back waaaaay back... feeling-wise!

...I find it a bit discouraging sometimes... when oh when will I not be 'affected' by WS...what he does or says!

...I know I need to look at how far I have come.... but geeshh.... the road ahead at sometimes also feels like it will never end...

I put my trust in those that have been there before me.... and who SAY that it does get better... to the point where one is totally unaffected by WS? ...right now...and hopefully temporarily.... I am having a hard time believing it...

I've got this 'big do' going on tonight... I am trying to get THIS out of my system so that I can enjoy myself... and be in the MOMENT again...

..big big challenge...right now!

(((((((((Luna))))))))


I know it's hard when they push.. I recently got a settlement offer from WW.. it was almost laughable what she wanted, which I guess made it a little less of a trigger, but I did spend the weekend and most of this week thinking about it.

Keep your chin up, chest out, and do something for you.. what makes Luna feel good about herself in the mirror? Do something that reminds you of THAT part of you

Jamesus,

Thanks for the encouragement.

I guess my 'reaction' caught me off guard....

Objectively...logically...there is no reason why a 'simple' request from WS should send me into such a tailspin emotionally...

...but it did!... and it scares me a bit...

...so far...looking at it from left, right, bottom and top... helps me put a 'realistic' perspective to it...and seems to work!

...and it also means that after 3 yrs.... plan D is the next step for me to 'process' so that I can continue to move forward with MY LIFE!

....I really don't need THIS in my life!

....it does make me understand better how a 'traumatic' event in our lives may take sooommme time to process....and maybe never...totally!

I am doing better...much much better...ughhh!

I don't know if this is going to make sense, and in the end we may delete it, but here goes.

I am learning the G-d doesn't always give us what we WANT but he does give us what we NEED.

Maybe, just maybe G-d thinks there is something you need from what is happening. I have no clue and just wanted to throw this out, what do you think?

Hi Queenie,


Thanks for your thoughts.

I believe you do have a point, Queenie...now, if only I could figure out exactly what there is to learn from all of THIS...that I may not want...but need...

...and inspite of it all...I can objectively say that OVERALL... I feel privileged to have been alive yet another day....as it has been filled with a lot of blessings... hugs from my 17-yr-old.... a call to a friend generous enough to JUST 'hear me' out without judging me... was asked to be a witness to a couple of very sensitive and compassionate friends modestly celebrating their 'union' at their home followed by a terrific supper out at a fancy restaurant.... and I am now home.... my home sweet home sharing my day with some thoughtful cyberfriends...

...and I can't help but be tearful... not from the pain but from the....JOY! ....only that it's not from what I expected it to come from...that's all!

...a combination of disappointment and appreciation...all bundled up together....which seems to be a contradiction...yet, it is what makes us the imperfect humans that we are, creating the many 'grey' areas in our lives!

...most definitely a very EMOTIONAL day that I have not experienced in quite a while... and I just can't make heads or tails out of it!

...maybe tomorrow I will figure this all out..or NOT!