YOU STATED[color:#660000]:"""[color:#990000]I have treated her like a princess. She does nothing around our house, she allows me to handle most of the parenting chores, she literally just had her job during the day, and a loving home at night. I constantly tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of her and her calling as a hospice nurse.
She has left before (10 yrs ago), so I am guarded as to breaking this cycle that seems to be developing.
I'm not sure I want her back, although I know our children need her.
She just called me moments ago to tell me what scum I was and that I had destroyed the lives of a "good man" and his 10 year old daughter.
Is it normal that my wife would change her story about the OM on a daily basis. It almost feels like she is backing away from her devotion to him, but she isn't yet willing to put any efforts into me. At first, he was just someone she had confided in. Later, he became the man she had met at a hotel 2 hours away. The next day, she attempts to dagger me in the back by telling me how they made mad passionate love, and telling me she is in love with him and has never felt this way about any other man. On Sunday, he returned to just being a friend again. Yesterday, she tells me that they weren't physical at all, as she was on her cycle and today he is a "good man" who doesn't deserve this, he was only a close companion. What the .#$!@#$? I'm getting dizzy here.
Okay, I gave in and called her...too soon! I was told that I had cost her her job and that if I did have any hopes of reconciliation, they are now gone. She said she didn't care if I died today. I shouldn't have called, but I couldn't stand it!

She has a very angry side to her and I have always bore the brunt of most of it.
One update, she did call to ask to come over and see the kids tonight. When I informed her that some of our mutual friends from church were coming over and that the baby was spending the night elsewhere, she went nuts. She cursed at me and told me that she hoped I would wreck my car and die! She called back later to apologize.
she reiterated that she would NEVER live with me again! She now says that she just sees potential for a relationship with OM and that they haven't been intimate. She has always said that she couldn't live alone, even saying she would remarry quickly if I died. She can't see how his presence in this is only providing her comfort to leave. She says they pray for me every night,
1 1/2 years ago, W tried to leave. She had an inappropriate friendship with another of her company's chaplains. So inappropriate in fact, that his wife called me accusing my wife of a PA. I believe that it never got that far, but now think that W was just searching for another man to comfort her when she did this. Remember, she always said she could never be alone!

Many times I have wanted out myself, but would NEVER have considered it because of our children. No one in my family has ever been divorced. I will be seen as the first to graduate college, then the first to divorce. All of my wife's relatives have been married at least 2-3 times!

I DO still want her back, but I don't think she has the self inspection skills necessary to see that we both have made HUGE mistakes in our life together. If she is ever willing to evaluate things honestly, I will gladly take her back and enjoy what a marriage should REALLY be like! But I will not go back to life as it was...if I did, it would only be until the next OM came along, then she would leave again!
I suppose I never mentioned the two previous A's because I had forgiven her and moved on. I have never ONCE mentioned her indescretions to her, even in the most heated of arguments! I am one who believes that, if you forgive unconditionally, you forget as well. Though I know that I never really forgot the other events, I never allowed her to know that they did still bother me at times. Again, I thought things were fine! I assure you, I never ignored my W, if anything, she ignored me!
I am not willing to take W back without intensive counseling
I AM accepting my role in our M's demise, but I can't fix the obvious problems I see while she is not willing to try. A professional counselor would have done us a world of good 10+ years ago, one still could, but I can't MAKE her do this of she is not willing.
Besides, NONE OF THIS excuses 3 affairs!
I CAN and DO except the things that should've been different, but I CANNOT accept her third A in 14 years or believe that anything I have done justifies them. Yes, I DO still love her and would take her back TODAY under the right circumstances (agreement to counseling, true remorse for her actions, etc.), but I will not be convinced that I should feel guilty in any way about the life we had together
I do know that her mother has suggested therapy to her, she only insists that nothing is wrong with her, only me(though she can't offer any specifics). Until when or if the day comes that she is willing to examine herself, R is not in either of our (or our children's) best interest. I am just praying that she will, at some point, look in the mirror and wonder what SHE could've done differently. [/color]

SORRY BUD, THIS WOMAN NEEDS HELP AND NEEDS IT NOW> THE KIDS WILL SUFFER UNLESS SHE GETS HELP. IT IS TOXIC TO YOU AND THEM! [/color]"Okay, batton down the hatches...this is gonna be a long one.

Once NC is established (REALLY established)...then what. Here's why I asked. I admit, my Plan B kind of reverted back to Plan A last night, but I think that I got the desired result just the same.

Around 11 last night, WW called ALL of our phones and left hysterical messages, sobbing uncontrollably. Finally, after hearing the words, " I just want to die, I wish God would just end my suffering," I decided we'd ALL had enough. I did (be gentle) return her call and reach out to her.

I ended up going to her new place to talk to her. I learned that the way the children have treated her is literally killing her. She passed out 4-5 times and vomitted 5-6 times within the span of about 2 hours. I really should have called 911, but I was afraid she would be commited to the psychiatric ward and I would be accused of calling just to make her look bad in court(I know, that sounds odd now, but it made since at 1am).

Once, when she passed out, I took HER cell phone and called OM from it. I informed him that this had gone on long enough. I told him that, if I ever found out there was any further contact between them, I would drive to where he was and "handle it!"

She heard the end of the conversation and told me that she had already told him earlier they could not continue in their sin. However, she is still only willing to discuss her relationship with the kids...not really me!

I left around 3am and immediately called OM again from the car. I decided to approach things with him from the "Christian" perspective. I told him that, if he was AT ALL spiritual, understood ANYTHING about the Bible, and TRULY cared for WW, he COULD NOT continue to encourage her sin and deception and would HAVE to excuse himself from the equation. The mess they have made is obviously destroying her emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I explained that my children and I have prayed FOR HIM every night, in hopes that he would realize that he was only using my WW to fill the void of loneliness his ex had left.

He tearfully admitted that he knew he was wrong to let things go this far. He agreed to calling her today to inform her that he would no longer be calling her or accepting any of her calls. At this point, I had to take his word, but only because I could sense true remorse over the phone. I did reiterate (in Christian love) that I was serious about handling this if I found out his word was worthless. I assured him that I had only begun to expose this A and would ruin him him he was deceitful. Of course, once WW wakes up from the fog, I would have to take more certain steps to insure NC, but I had to deal with what I was given last night.

This morning, I texted WW just asking if she was okay. I got NO sleep last night and am sincerely worried about her. She responded,"I will be much better soon. Have a great Father's Day weekend with your kids. You're all they need!" To me, this sounded suicidal. I have now texted her over 20 times today, with varying responses.

Remember, we have both been VERY spiritual people (until she lost it 6 weeks ago), I know that she is feeling convicted for the sin she has commited. I have offered to help her in any way possible, possibly even psychiatrically.

I know that I have gone beyond my worldly and Biblical obligation in this M. I know that I am justified to just walk away if I see fit. But, I do STILL love her and her children are literally dieing over this. They have become kids I sometimes don't even recognize. We all need her back here, where she belongs. What else can I do???

Does Plan B ever revert back to Plan A; or, what's the next step now. I know that the pledge of NC I received was possibly hollow, but I am hoping and praying for the best. HELP!

BTW, I know that WW could not possibly return to our home until after the adoption. But, I think this might be a good thing and give us time to work on things without actually living together again immediately. Thoughts???"

Hi there, I wanted you to reread what you wrote here.. It seems after 25 messages or more that your wife now has you where she wants you. She has you back chasing her. That is what she wants.

You are already chomping at the bit to get her home. And to hide it from the adoption agency.


**EDIT**

That was MY most AWESOME Southern Mama, PM!

Yes, it stopped the affair dead in it's tracks. OM dumped me the next day without telling me why-a condition that my mom put on him...My mom had known OM and his parents since childhood-He KNEW that she was willing and able to make good on her threats...She scared the bejeebies out of him...I did not find this out until more than a year after the end of the affair-THAT was a GREAT thing...Wayward me didn't need to know...FORMER wayward me is VERY PROUD of and GRATEFUL to my mama and Mr. W for what they did to save me and our family from ME...

Mrs. W

I think I WOULD have dialed 911 on the way over, but I didn't even know the address. Rmember the night I rode by there to try and catch them in the act? I knew where the place was, but not the address.

Once I got there, I felt like I had to handle things the best I could. No regrets. I would change some things in hidsight, but I did what I thought was best at the time.

She wanted to get you upset.

Wants your concern to spill over to your kids.

That way your kids will treat her better.

She knows they don't want anything to happen to their mother, let alone feel responsible if she hurts herself b/c of how they are treating her.

So if she convinces you that she might do that, then she can count on her children's concern for her well being to over ride their honest feelings about this sitch and the choices she has made.

Her cruel manipulations make me sick.

Are you seeing this yet?

Their treatment is NOT killing her.

She doesn't like it. And had tried everything she knew to get them to stop it....except the obvious.

She tried demanding that you make them stop it.

She tried to make them stop it.

She got OM to try to convince you to make them stop it.

Last night she reached in her bag of tricks for the lowest card of all.

And it worked.

This next part was amazing...


She now expects you to tell the kids their mother's A is over. So they can go back to treating her the way they did before....even though she has no intention of moving back home to you....and even though she has no true intention of ending her A.

After a fresh 24 hours of perspective, and NO attempt at contact by WW or OM (I guess he didn't keep his word...surprise!), I do now believe that the events of Wed. night were strictly an attempt at manipulation.

I also agree that, to some extent, it did work! It did bring me out of the darkness and revealed that my desires for R are still present (I think she had started to doubt that!). I think she is comforted to know that I still DO care, but is still unwilling to do anything about it. In her mind, this gives her a license to continue doing as she pleases, feeling she can still return anytime SHE chooses.

My kids feelings have not been altered. They only know that I went over that night, but no real details. They just think that their mother was sick and I went to check on her.

They did have a "visit" yesterday evening, but it was only for about an hour. I dropped them at M's around 5 and picked them up a little after 6. My daughters had Bible School and my son had baseball practice. Both older children reported (without my asking) that WW seemed very irratable, shaking when pouring drinks and crying almost the entire visit. They say they hardly spoke to her the entire time...the baby refused to let go of me at M's and M when WW showed up. She is literally losing ALL THREE children with her behavior!

BTW, I actually counted, I sent WW 7 texts yesterday morning, she responded 11 times, so both the numbers I had given were pretty accurate. I have NOTHING to lie about here to anyone...just wanted you to know.

Yes, you've been manipulated. But also, you should now accept that you have this particular "weakness" with her and plan accordingly. With that in mind, I suggest that you take some extraordinary steps to ensure that she cannot contact you unless it's through an intermediary that you trust, someone with a "no-nonsense" approach to life, someone who would be less likely to fall for her manipulations. This may include blocking her calls, or changing your number, so she can't call you directly. Go really dark with a Plan B.

{{{ab3}}} I know this has been a really hard time for you, but you are doing awesomely (sp?)! Believe me, none of us does any better than you do, we all relapse and do things that are bad for ourselves, because we all care about our spouses, ya know? So don't beat yourself up; we're not. We just jumped in to give you a quick boot the rear in order to stop the 'going back to doing what she wants' pattern you have in its tracks. So very glad you see it.

Hopefully you will be able to observe everything she does from this point forward with the new knowledge you have gained - that you know she is in this world for herself.

She reminds me of an old coworker, who I thought was really nice. She seemed nice. One day she told me about her husband mowing the yard; she told me that when he mows, she gets a lounge chair out and sits in it and drinks a drink and reads magazines, to 'be with him' while he does all the work. (I have always mowed my own yard.) I asked her if she ever helped him, and she laughed and said 'Of course not. That's why I married him, so HE would do it all.' Stopped talking to her.

I don't doubt that she's very unhappy about what's taken place between her and her children. Somehow she didn't count the cost before she left. Or more than likely, she didn't expect it.

I'm not sure how a woman in her 30's has failed to understand there are consequences in life. But, apparently she has managed to miss this life's lesson until now.

Anyway, please remind your children that it isn't their job to make their mother happy.

That's a very important point! Even if kids start out not thinking they're at fault or responsible for their mother's happiness, if she continues this act, they'll start dropping their boundaries and start molding themselves to 'lessen her burden,' and start developing a habit of not taking care of themselves, in order to see to someone else. Not healthy!

And, ab, make no mistake, it IS an act of manipulation.

She knows how to make things right again.

But, she doesn't want to do that.

She'd rather get what she wants while teaching the children that their feelings don't matter as much as hers do.

She is acting w/ great cruelty, while appearing to be a victim.

Your children are the victims.

Don't let her turn them into abusers in their minds.

ab, now that I'm thinking about it, there is something more that I would do at this point, if I were in your shoes. I would contact someone in the family who will relay a message to her, and tell her that, because of the mental and physical abuse of the children you have witnessed, you will no longer be allowing them to visit her. That your ultimate responsibility is for the safety and well-being of your children, and that since they have endured mental anguish and physical abuse while visiting her, they will no longer be allowed to do so. If she wants to discuss it, she can tell the intermediary what her proposal is, and you will consider it.

You have no legal requirement for making them visit a homewrecker, and an unstable and abusive one at that.

Protect your kids. Give them a break from the drama. Prove to them that they are more important to you than this alien in their mother's body, for now.

Glad you are on track again AB3.

Maybe Cat is right? What would you think if your wife's "breakdown" happened when she had the kids?

Maybe someone more experienced could chime in? I'm reluctant to make a suggestion as I have no similar experience.

Here's how RIGHT you all were.

On Friday, I contacted M and told them to tell WW that she could see the baby girl while I took my son to baseball practice. I also offered to leave the kids at her parents (neutral site) for a few hours on Saturday while they deliverd a Father's Day gift and informed her that she could see them then.

M told me that WW was working out of town all weekend (which she NEVER has before) and could only see her children after 3 on Sunday.

I completely lost it and told M to inform WW that her priorities were COMPLETELY screwed up. I explained how WW had asked me to help her see the kids more the other night and to repair their relationship. I was shocked that she was now REFUSING to see them.

Of course, I know what happened. WW and OM had plans together and her children were getting in the way. It seems now (according to M) that WW is much more bold in her words and actions and reinvigerated towrds life in general.

I know that her drawing me out Wed. night was her way of establishing if I still cared or not. Now that she is armed with the knowledge that I WILL always be there for her, she feels comfortable returning back to her sinful lifestyle.

She manipulated me (though I don't think she faked the illness) in order to get my reaction and convince me that she desired a closer relationship with the kids SHE abandoned!

I informed M to let WW know that I will no longer help her with her relationship with the kids. It is now between them!!!

She did finally agree to "skip work" and see the kids. Though I'm told that she did it cussing me as violently as she could.

You guys were right...lesson learned! It's Plan B again for now...who knows about tomorrow (D?)!

One other thing to consider. She will eventually throw the suicide tantrum in front of her children.

You must not let this happen. Find a way to protect your children from being around her until she checks herself in to a psychiatric unit for testing and treatment.

You need to call your attorney - show the text messages and tell her what your WW did Wednesday night.

Another thing - do not leave your children - especially the little one - with WW alone - not after Wednesday. Because you can't trust her judgment one bit and if you show CPS a track record of having an episode like Wednesday and then two days later trusting her with your children, you lose your protective position.

Abandoned, it is good NOW that you know what you are dealing with and what you are up against. You wont fall for it again! If she calls you with the same game ask her for her address and tell her you are calling 911. Also let her know she cannot see the kids because the adoption agency wont let her. Put it (her bad behaviors) back on her!

If that adoption agency knew you were bringing the precious baby to see her they would come remove the child. Do you see this?

I'm glad you brought this up Stella.

I typed in a long msg yesterday, but something happened and I had to reboot and the msg was lost. I was asking about the same thing, that if there's no biological, legal, or even emotional connection then why are you forcing the toddler to go visit WW? For someone that young, it could be quite traumatic - and this isn't her mother biologically or legally.

If the adoption ppl would remove her from the home if WW moved back, then do they know you are taking her for visitation with WW, including overnight stays, and that she is clinging and trying to not go?

Also, my mom has pulled that cr@p in the past about pretending to have some sort of "attack". I've read some stuff and think she sometimes shows signs of narcissism (sp?). So the technique I learned (which I was partially doing from instinct already) is to keep a flat emotion around her, don't give an emotional response to anything she says, keep a flat expression, keep my body turned slightly away from her so as to not "engage" fully with her, etc. Funny, when she's having one of her attacks, if I just look at her emotionless then all of a sudden her "attack" goes away and she is full of anger.

You aren't supposed to be in contact with her but you may want to read up on those sorts of techniques in case you ever need them. You can google "narcissist" and maybe "how to deal" or something.

Jayne, you remind me of that video that's circulating about the toddler who throws a fit, rolls the floor, screams, etc. The mother is filming it. She moves into another room, and you hear the screaming stop. Then the toddler comes into the room the mother's now in. Immediately pitches a fit, falls to the floor, rolls, screams; mother moves to yet another room; crying stops; toddler finds mother in next room and immediately starts crying again...

Obviously all for show.

Absolutely!

Toddlers are natural narcissists, but then that's what they are *supposed* to be at that stage. It's rather amusing unless you have a headache or something.

But when adults do it, it's pathetic, at best.


This reminds me of something else I was gonna say: be aware that your DS may be exaggerating too. Not to say anything bad about him, he's still a kid and it's natural for kids to play up something that happened with one parent to gain the favor of, or bond closer with, the other parent. Plus you know what kind of example he's had.

He may not be doing it consciously. I would suggest that you don't react too emotionally when he says something bad about your WW. If it's something bad enough to look into, verify the details and level of abuse with your DD.