I have no idea what that legal stuff means! Sorry!


I loved the invisible mother story. Beautiful.


You are doing a great Plan B, kl. Hang in there. You sound like you are doing about like everyone does - up at times, down at others. It's normal.

You need to find another intermediary. Maybe someone from your church will do it. Have them read about Plan B, and explain that it does not place them in between the two of you, it just insulates you from communications and allows you peace, and allows you to preserve love for him so that when he does return you will be rested and ready to resume the marriage.

It is only a business arrangement - not a negotiator for the marriage. The intermediary simply cuts out anything "personal" from messages, such as "My lover and I feel wonderful now that you are out of my life you..." or "I wish you would give up this stupid intermediary stuff and grow up you..." or "My new girlfriend and I are going to the Bahamas and this could have been you, but since you aren't talking to me..."

The intermediary should only pass on information from communications such as, "There will be $600 for the bills placed in the account at ABC Bank by the 4th. Jonnie and Susie will be home by 5:30 on Sunday, but my mom will be bringing them."

Of course, if this next message gets sent, then by all means the intermediary should immediately contact you!

"I want to return home, have cut off all contact with my affair partner, and will send a no-contact letter that you can read and mail. Please forgive me, I have been a stupid jerk and cannot for the life of me figure out what happened inside of my brain. I must have had some sort of LSD flashback and was zapped into an alternate universe. I now need and will attend lifetime counseling in order to repair the damage that I have done to our marriage and the children. Please make an appointment with the Harleys for us at your earliest convenience, and I WILL PAY FOR IT."


The above message has yet to be seen from an active wayward, so do not be watching for it. Your results may vary.



I had no luck finding the "Be Still" thread. I can't even find the "Notable Posts" thread!!!!!

Sheesh.

Schoolbus

Hi PM-
Did you have a nice trip? I got a chance to get away this past weekend overnight with my kids and my parents!
I thought that was what that meant, I e-mailed my lawyer to explain it, but haven't heard from him yet.

Thanks,
KLB

I had a wonderful trip! It was awesome getting to see our son again. The best moment of the whole trip was when they released the family members to go outside the auditorium to find their "soldiers." We couldn't find out son so we all ended up splitting up to look for him. My husband spotted him first and yelled his name across the field. The moment my son turned his head and spotted his dad, he just burst into tears and they didn't stop for at least 15 minutes. It was so special and we were so proud.

He told us how much he appreciated us now after going through basic training.

Thanks for asking!

I am so happy for you PM I am glad that you had such a great reunion with your son. I pray that my children will be proud of me one day. I feel like such a mess most days lately, I must say though that the last two days, I have done pretty good all things considered. I didn't fall apart till after they were in bed and it wasn't because of my husband it was because of my daughter's behavior and attitude (you know the whole 8 going on...syndrome) I know that she is hurting and doesn't know how to process or deal with this, but they just keep taking it out on me and I am the one who is here trying to love them through this, I just hurt for their pain and cannot even imagine it for them, but I know how bad it hurts to lose something that you consider precious. I get so angry and frustrated with her because emotionally she is a duplicate of me and I don't know how to deal with me and get angry at me, so I just reflect the same toward her. I know that God is working in me and changing and softening me,but the changes sometimes can't happen swiftly or permanently fast enough. I really am so amazed at the way the Lord has been with me and the kids and providing for us. I realize now that not having a car and not having people help more is God's plan for me right now, I have things that I need to work on in this time that he is FORCING me to see and deal with otherwise they would get overlooked again.
Thank you all for your prayers- I can feel them, I can feel the peace and change coming- I really want God to make me a blessing and show me that miracles do still happen each and every day!
I am sad about tomorrow and not having my husband to celebrate our anniversary, but I am hoping to go to my parent's boat again with the family and with our (H &my) best friends and their children. Please keep praying for the Holy Spirit to do his work in him and bring him to repentance and restoration with the Lord!

{{{{{{{{{{{{KLB}}}}}}}}}}}

I have to get to work before anyone else, but I'll be back as soon as possible.

You are doing amazing. It may not feel like it, but you are and you are coming here and posting which is really good for you. Because we are here with you and walking along side you right now.

But more than anything - G-d is protecting you and guiding your path. You just can't see it.

Well, the day has dawned and it is upon me, and I am surprised how well I am doing so far. It is 2:30am here and I just finished my homework, and am heading for a nap before I leave for my parents boat again. My parents and "our"(husband's and my) best friends and our families are heading to MD to go on the boat and picnic and "celebrate" my anniversary or unanniversary. I am not sure what it is, I know that a part of me is sad, but another part of me is excited to go and have a good time. I am hanging in there, the Lord is my rock. I want to believe that he will give me my miracle, but I don't know if that is his plan, so for now I move on alone with our children to a new life. I sure do miss him, but then at other times, I really don't I just miss having someone here another adult to talk to and share the burdens and joys with. I really hope that she was worth this because I know without any doubt that I deserved better than I ever got! I deserved to be loved and cherished and taken care of, but that isn't what is my reality, so now I need to love and cherish and take care of me and the kids.
I so don't know how I would be able to be with him again after he blatantly turned his back on his children without any care or concern, how after he chose himself and another woman could I trust or feel safe or anything again, I guess that is the miracle of God also, but that again isn't my reality. My reality is it is me and the kids alone with no job, no income, no car, but a lot of determination and a lot of prayer and God! I feel a little lost and a lot sad today!
I will be back tomorrow night, so I will check in with you all then. Please teach me how to pray!
Love and prayers, KLB

Perhaps you remember Jesus's teaching on this issue?

"Our Father, who is in heaven...."


"Taking everything to God in prayer...."


klb, I have found that one of the first "casualities" of infidelity is our prayer life.

When it seems as though prayer is impossible or when you just don't know what to pray for....just "go to the Lord" anyway. KNOW that the indwelling Holy Spirit WILL intercede for us with "groans" that the Father understands. Think of those "groans" as another "tongue," if you will, that we might not understand but God understands perfectly. He who searches our hearts and minds KNOWS us, and knows how to "put into words" what we can't seem to do. Jesus did not call the Holy Spirit "another comforter" for nothing.

Enjoy your day! Today being my anniversary, I understand the "thoughts" such a day triggers.

God bless.

ForeverHers,
Thank you for your thoughts about prayer, my prayer life has changed in that I have learned to understand the continual, but I have had a good relationship of just talking to the Lord throughout my day for a while I would honestly say for about a year now I have really been working in this area, and I know about the groaning, but my family and friends feel that I by now should have given up on my husband and feel that he is a "despicable...... " and that I should not waste my time or prayers on him. Well, I have been praying for them, but I don't know what I should be praying for for my husband, I love him, and I honestly want to see him restored in his relationship with the Lord, of course there is the selfish side that wants that so that we could have a chance at reconciliation, but the larger dominant side of me just desperately wants that so that I can believe that God still works miracles and that I don't want my husband to suffer any more than is necessary for God to break and change him, and I fear for him if he doesn't repent!
My anniversary was a nice day, I went to MD with my parents overnight on their boat with the kids and my husband and my best friends came down too with their boat and children. We went tubing and water skiing and had a cookout and played, it was nice. I had one melt down about 3pm when I lost it and started to cry that at that time I had just been married and we were getting our wedding photos taken! I miss him so much I just don't understand why or how all this has happened, but it has!
Today when I arrived home there was a letter from my lawyer to my husband and F-in-L. Wow! It was another harsh letter concerning the finances and lack of support and paying support out of the line of credit against our marital home and wow! I just wish that it would make a difference, but he is so whacked and fogged out that I don't think it will do anything but make him more angry at me. I just wish I could understand what was so incredible about this woman, and why I have to be the enemy. I DIDN'T DO ANY OF THIS! Sorry for the yelling, I am just so frustrated! I know he is in sin and he has to justify that what he is doing is right and okay by making me look bad to himself, but I cannot believe that my best friend for the past 18 (okay minus 2 off of that since the affair started he obviously wasn't being a best friend with all the lies and deception)years!
Well, that is my rant for the day, I pray that your anniversary was better? Did you and your wife ever reconcile? I pray that you did, you sound like an incredible person, I know that I am thankful for you to encourage and support all of us here on MB, but I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE not even my worst enemy (not that I have one, but you know what I mean)!
Have a good night, it is getting late here and I have to finish my homework!
KLB

Well, I made it through the weekend only to fall apart today! I miss him so much and I hate this. This is the longest since I am 16 that I have gone without talking to him. Things have been getting nastier with the lawyer and the properties that my husband and F-in-L are trying to sell. I think mainly it is my F-in-L that is getting angry my husband is so "in love" with OW that he isn't doing anything, I could be wrong on that but that is what I am seeing on the outside. I hate this all so much and I am just so crushed for my kids!!! I love them and I don't want them to grow up without their daddy, but he wasn't and isn't a daddy, all he is/was is a sperm donor. That is the only way that I can see that he could walk out and abandon his children so totally! I want so badly to hate him, I just want to move on I am so confused and alone!

My parents want all of us to go to North Carolina for 10 days with them, but I am afraid to leave for that long. I don't like the idea of the house sitting alone like that and not knowing what he is thinking, I would be crushed to come home and find he had cleaned out the little that is left, but at the same time I know in my heart that he is GONE and that he doesn't need want or care about us or anything that is left other than maybe his tools and our tv (sad to say, but that would be the things that he would probably take).

I just want him to come home I just want my kids to have a dad I am so lost I feel no peace, no direction, and my school work is suffering now. Please help me!!!!!!

Personally, I would go on vacation with your parents and kids. You need a break and some fun times! And sometimes just getting away gives you perspective.

Do I need to notify him that we are going? Or can we just go? I will have my laptop for e-mail, but he doesn't have my new cell phone number.
What about the house?
I agree about the much needed perspective, I think, I think more than anything I need distance and time. How long does Plan B last being dark before the WS initiates contact? I guess I really shouldn't care about that, but I really do, I feel like such an idiot it isn't like he has been making love bank deposits for a long time, but why do I feel the need to stay the course and why do I still have love and compassion for him?

Go on vacation with your family KLB! You need it. Your babies need it and if your WH moves his stuff out, you are that much closer to closure and your new life.

Or maybe the empty house and not knowing where his wife and family are would give him a dose of future reality. Go, honey. Have fun.

Say

Use your intermediary (or attorney) to let him know that you and the kids are going out of town and will be unavailable for two weeks and that he can contact your intermediary if there is an emergency. He doesn't need to know the details.

However, I don't remember if you have a LSA or temporary orders in place. If you do, then you'll need to abide by that if the vacation takes time away from his visitation (as ordered or agreed).

I vote go for it too! You need a break. Let your family help you with the kids and enjoy yourself!

I don't believe there is any order and for that matter, there has been no visitation or even calls from him to kids in the last month. I say go wothout notice. Let him wonder, if he even notices you're gone.

God's Blessings,

Say

Even so, I'm not sure if she wouldn't get in trouble if he just this once decided to make contact and panicked. What if he called the police? I think that would hurt her later on down the road if this ever goes to court or turns into a custody dispute (even if just to avoid CS).

I still think she should at least leave a message through the intermediary. Doesn't mean she has to ask permission but she needs to let him know. They ARE still his children even if he is a bad father.

Seeing as how I have no intermediary, but our best friends who were supposed to be our intermediaries know where I will be and how to reach me. I plan to let the attorney know where I will be and for how long, and as far as I know I don't have to let him know and really don't want to just so that he doesn't have any temptation to come here and take more stuff I am running out of things to have or for him to take! I have no bed, no dining room table, the living room has a sofa and a tv! Really there isn't much left.
I know that they are still his children too, technically, but really he has had no interest in them for a long time, the only thing that bothers him is control and money! At least that is all this stranger cares about!
I want to go, but I am worried about my classes and being able to keep up. I am starting my thesis class this time and I really can't afford to screw up! I messed up bad on my paper that was due Friday, I couldn't concentrate and get my thoughts to come and it showed even my professor said that it was nothing like the other three weeks worth of work I had produced! I know that I could use the break, but I just don't feel any peace about going, all I feel is anxiety. Shouldn't that count for something, or is that just everything I am going through right now?
Why does everyone around me feel that it is time to let him go and file for divorce? Am I the only one in my family and friends that believes in commitment anymore(other than you all obviously) How do I handle everyones comments? I usually just shrug and say, sorry, I am just not at that place and that isn't what I believe. Then they launch into a tirade about what a despicable piece of crap he is to do this to his kids and I and have no concern for them and that he doesn't deserve me. Well according to Dr. Harley's book His Needs Her Needs, this is as much or more my doing. I didn't meet his emotional needs especially in the area of SF. I wanted to have sex it wasn't that, it was that I didn't know how to please him and he wouldn't help/tell/teach me, and then he didn't want it at all anymore. I guess I am just pathetic! I wanted to love my husband, but everytime he told me what he wanted, no matter how hard I tried or did that thing it was never good enough. When is it time to give up? I sure don't want to, but I don't know. Is this typical what I am going through and seeing from him at this point? How long does it last that he doesn't care or bother or is curious even about us? I have so many questions I just don't understand- the one book I read said that the kind of affair he had was an exit affair, he was going anyway, and he found this OW and thought that this would make it easier on him and that I would let him go without a fight or anything. I guess he got that, I don't think he was leaving I think he was going to try to have both for as long as he could, but I surprised him and told him to leave and that caught him off guard and I also don't think he believed me last month when I told him that I wouldn't contact him until he left her, but I am really struggling with that feeling that if he just rides that relationship out till it is over and then says oh well I'll just go home she'll take me back, then what am I to do? I know getting ahead of myself, but I have all these questions and frustrations and fears and I have no where else to go with them. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, but I can't seem to even find sleep and rest, I have been having bad dreams and anxiety attacks in my sleep. The lawyer sent me another letter today that was a copy he sent to my husband and f-in-l. I didn't even know that they had sent him a letter about me, so I was surprised at this response. I hate all of this, I really just want to bury my head in the sand and live in a fantasy and I think I have in some ways. Telling myself oh, he's just on a trip or at work he'll come home soon. How sad and pathetic! I really hate feeling so messed up!!!

Have you told your professor what is happening in your life? If you really think it is going to mess up your thesis, then I wouldn't go. But I really do think you need a break.

Your chances of being with your husband forever are much higher than the two of you getting divorced. So that is in your favor.

Tell your family/friends that when you took your vows, you meant them. They love you and just don't understand.

Believer;


What leads you to say this? I really would like to understand, I have never known anyone who has gone through an affair before I truly don't know what good signs are or what to hold onto hope because of or what. I don't know if that made sense what I just said, but I really want to understand. I am reading His Needs Her Needs right now, and boy do I have a lot to learn, I really can't figure out his needs! They say that it is SF first and foremost, but I think that is mine and then Affection, I know that I use SF to get to the affection though, so maybe my primary is affection. Oh there is so much I don't understand. I have been trying to find a counselor here in my area and even my pastor doesn't know where or who to send me to! Any suggestions on how to find someone? I really need help, I am doing good, but I feel like I really need the emotional support and guidance and occasional hug! Not that I would ever wish this on anyone, but I wish I knew someone or could meet someone in my area who has been down this road that I could get together with or something. Any suggestions? Is there a place/way to get educated about affairs and things. I have been reading everything on the site, I still haven't been able to get a copy of the book, I have been so tight with my money since WH stopped paying support and I have another month to go I just want to make it last and be a good steward with what I have, you know if you are faithful with a little then you will be blessed and be faithful with much! I want God to be proud of me, but I just feel so inept!

As for the class I will be having first class tomorrow and I plan on letting my professor know right away just so that it is said and out there. I have found that if I am up front with people they are a little more understanding when I falter!

Until you can get the books, read all of the articles here on the home page. You will get the idea of how things work.

The statistics show that you have a better chance of being with hubby in 5 years than being divorced or him being with someone else. The trick is getting through this hard time without losing your love for him.

Affairs almost always end and most marriages recover.

Most counseling that you find doesn't really help in case of an affair. That is because most marriage counselors have no idea about the dynamics of affairs.

Stick with us and we will help you through this.

Getting a break would be good to get perspective. But if it is going to harm your education, I would advise against it, unless you are coming completely undone.

Thank you, so let me see if I understand you:


So, I should expect to be alone for the next 5 years, or we will be recovered in 5 years? I have been reading what I can, and most days I am doing better, but with my anniv having been sat and fathers day sun I have really been struggling, I feel that the children should have contacted him to tell him how they are feeling, but I don't want to push him further away or hurt them more. They don't want contact with him, but I think that is becasue they are seeing me hurting for one and they think that he doesn't love them because he is not trying.

I am in some regards unraveling and in others I am doing better. Each day is a battle but one step ahead.