Well I extended the invitation for her to come to counseling tonight and I'm still more then willing to do what it takes. We'll see how it goes but I love her too much to just let it go.

Well just a report. I'm still looking over the boards and willing to do what it takes to make things work. She didn't go last night and doesn't want to meet on thursday because of the "ultimatum" I gave. I'm not wanting things to go this way I've been more then willing to do anything to build this back up and heal the wounds. Have some friction now because of bills and legal stuff not helping matters either. Not sure how thats going to work out but I'm doing the best I can. I took on almost all the monthly bills we had built together so with that and my child support makes it tough to remove her name off the house and car which is what she needs to happen to get her another vehicle that she badly needs. Sad because if none of this would have happened she would have had that by now but no sense in looking at what ifs.


Just going to take things one day at a time and see what she does about getting the rest of her things. I don't want her to but aat the same time our relationship needs to be improving not regressing.

ezb, there is a website al.turtlecounseling.com that has an article "What To Do When Your Spouse Leaves" which explains really well I tihnk what Plan A looks like when a spouse is out of the house. And of course, there is a ton of great Plan A information here on the site. Or you may be ready for Plan B, which protects you and your love for her from further hurt.

Cat, I totally hear what your saying about the ink having dried. I think Dr. Harley advises to wait until 2 years after the divirce is final before moving on if it's somehting that you still want, because people can change their minds over time.

Thank you ears. I will take a look. I'm willing to do anything at this moment to start healing the past and working on making us better. Problem is that it takes 2 people to do that.

Right now my couselor isn't doing me any good so if shes not going to attend next week then I have to cancel. It doesn't help me without her being there or talking to her because things are not so clear.

ears, you're right, and I understand that option. However, he keeps talking about things that married couples would do, not divorced couples. I truly think that she told him pre-divorce that she would still be around and do things and care for him, just to get him to go along with the divorce and not make waves, and has no intention of really doing any of it. That's not a bad thing, it's just human nature, to try to make things go as smoothly as possible. I just think that he needs to consider the option that she truly doesn't want anything to do with him; at least for now.

I know if I left my H, I'd be needing a good 6 months away from him just to catch my breath and get my bearings.

ezb, I think you need to stop expecting - and asking - her to participate in things with you that a wife would do. If anything, try to approach these things differently. She no longer has any legal need to do things with you. Not trying to be rude, just to get you to acknowledge that a divorce is NOT a separation. Sure, you might get back together; but you can't ACT like you will. That will only push her away.

Thanks cat. I emailed your last post to her and she wouldn't answer either way.

Which gives you her answer.

The article I referred ezb to goes into detail about letting go of the expectations and the idea that it takes two TODAY. It only takes one TODAY to create that space for the other person to return when and if they are ready. ezb's XW is actually protecting herself and her love bank for ezb by staying away until ezb has time to show that he can be consistent.

That was my thought so I guess we will see.

I have already been looking at the site ears. Thank you for your help there are some interesting things there I have already found.

Ezb,

"She wouldn't respond either way"...phrasing highlight here. "She didn't respond" would be reality. "She wouldn't" is fantasy.

Also, you taking on the majority of the household bills, etc...that was fixed in the divorce, correct? Of did you agree to take on more in the divorce settlement than half?

I appreciate you clarifying this portion...relates to control and manipulation. I'm feeling topical today.



LA

lol LA, picky, picky, picky......but correct. Yes she didn't respond either way. Reason given: "I don't want to get into a back and forth".

It was set in the divorce yes. I have the house, the car payment vehicle and the travel trailer is to be sold with each of us owning half of what could be owed or made (more then likely owed). It makes the most sesne to do it that way other then the vehicle. She needs a newer one bad (drives a lot further and goes to see her family 5 hrs away) so really it makes more sense for her to take the newer one but she won't because she doesn't like it.

I'm still here and wanting to work on things. She hasn't posted in a couple weeks. Different directions by those actions.

ears,


Are you basing this on the threads or on the articles?

Actually when it was emailed to me was on a no contact day so that really should be the issue at hand and not that I did not answer it.

And the email to me said: "You think about it this weekend but I feel you need to start making strides to improve this relationship instead of tearing us further apart or you need to come get the rest of your things." Sounds like an ultimatum and feels as if he is tryint to control the situation again to me.


And it needs to be told that at the last meeting we had he told me he thought it would be best if we held off on the meetings tell I was ready to talk more.

And as far as the car goes. When it was purchased he test drove several and then he asked what I thought but when it came right down to it he still did what he wanted to do no matter what I thought. So yes I have some resentment about that.

That is actually the case here because he can not seem to stick with the no contact days we set up. For some reason he feels the need to contact me on those days and then wants credit for the days he does not. Which breaks my trust that he can do the things he says he has been learning if he can not even give me the no contact days. For example would be friday and monday were no contact days and he contacted me both days.

Hi bunny, nice to hear from you again. It's always helpful to get both sides' perspectives, cos we do such a poor job of imagining what the not-represented side sees. What do you think of the last couple days' posts? I'd love to hear your plans, etc., if you feel like sharing.

Well cat I do not really like them as only half truths were told when the truth should have been. I feel I am only coming on here to clear things up when I should not have to do that.

My plans are to try to work on things even though he makes it very hard to do being as he will not stick with the no contact days but maybe once or twice and then finds a reason to contact me and tries to keep the conversation going. Or says things such as "well I guess that is my answer" when i wont answer things.

On the following article Should I Remarry My Ex-Spouse? If Not, How Can I Just Let Go?

Good morning hun and thanks for coming in and sharing your half.



I understand your upset about contact on NC days. I'm learning more on how to handle myself when I have attacks and making improvements.

I did not understand that tuesday (when the question in hand was emailed) was an agreed NC day. Those days are mon., wed. and friday with saturday being optional to go either way.


Would you care to discuss the reason I felt this was needed? Are there other options you would like to review together and discuss?



I understand it was a frustrating day for you. It was a frustrating day for us both and I feel we did not work together like we could or should have. I can't change that past, all I can do is try to understand both halves off it and sort out what might be best for us both at this time.

Would you care to discuss this also and come to an agreement on what needs to be done?