Hi Annointed,
Did going through the workshops at this site help you come up with what works for you? Have you and your partner completed the EN questionnaire? Did it help? I feel like my H and I still need to work on our relationship but I think my H feels we don't. He's totally content and I still struggle at times.

Hope you had a great holiday weekend!

Ga

Hi Ga!

I'm sorry it's been a while since I've been around. We have been going to family reunions, buying a new house, moving in, and working on top of all of it. Whew! We are tired and still going strong.

I did read through this site when I found it, but I found it way into recovery. I do refer people to this site on a regular basis because I believe it does help. I printed out the EN questionaire, but we haven't filled it out yet....it's still in the huge pile of ToDo's, but considering we are going to a Marriage Conference tonight with Dr. Gary Smalley it would be a good time to drag it out! After moving more stuff for several hours that is!

Did I mention I'm an optimist! haha

Hope things are going better this week and that you have great weekend.

I find myself wondering "why do I come here?" We are recovered, and I don't really post to other posters to offer assistance. Do I come here to read other people's stories to learn? For entertainment? (sick I know) I just want to be honest here.

I read a post about revenge affairs....and honestly, 5 years into recovery it still crosses my mind. There is still a broken part in me, and I don't know how to fix it. FWH is so good to me and I trust him. I am not unhappy with him.

What am I still needing? And why do I feel the urge to read other betrayals?

I'm so confused.

I had a heartbreaking dream last night. My husband was having an affair again, and this time he was leaving me for her. He was packing his bags and was unsure of whether he should leave or not. He was leaving me b/c he was in love with her. My heart was breaking so badly in my dream that I woke up! It didn't end there. When I fell back to sleep it continued. I saw them together, and I gave them a fist pounding right in the face! I'm so small, but you can imagine how good it felt to just keep hitting her right in the nose while standing over her as she laid helpless on the concrete. I gave my husband a couple of really good ones, too. It was kind of frustrating too because in a dream you can tell you're not really hitting hard enough, so you just keep trying. It's weird, I know! I remember also being worried because we just bought a new house together (in real life), and I didn't know how I could handle it all.

Then I told my husband I was willing to work things out but that I would be working on my life until he decided to be faithful. A few days later in my dream he came back and pulled no punches trying to get me back. I was trying to determine in my dream what to do b/c I thought it was too soon to trust that he was through with her.

What a way to wake up, huh? When I saw him laying beside me in bed and realized it was a dream, it was such a relief. But those kinds of dreams stick with me and haunt me throughout the day. I'm so thankful that it wasn't true, but it really could have been if I had not stood my ground.

I think an affair is a life changing thing. I'm divorced, and don't want my ex anymore, and I STILL have dreams about him betraying me.

I hope they go away some day, but who knows?

I'm sorry to hear that, believer.

Thanks for your reply. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating out here all alone, but it feels good to have somewhere anonymous to vent.

Good night!

I think I know what it is that I'm missing.

Restitution.

At least I think that's it. We never really exposed. Very few people know of the hurt that I suffered and so it just stays buried in me.

PLEASE give me clarification! I don't want to talk to my wonderful hubby about this if I'm just being unreasonable. I mean, it's been 5 years!

But I still hurt a lot inside. Why does it matter to me that people know? Am I just being selfish so that I can be the martyr? I don't want that.

Or do I?

HELP!

I need a little guidance. Please?

Do you really think that people knowing would make you feel better? It has been five years, but I understand what you are feeling. It's like this terrible thing has happened, a life changing event, and no one realizes the hurt you have suffered.

On the other hand, folks that haven't been through a betrayal rarely understand how painful it is.

I understand what you are saying. At this point it would be cruel. I am a different person because of what happened, and when I share my life with people I have to leave that part out. And I hate it! I'm the type of person who admits fairly openly my mistakes (even the hellish ones) because there is a freedom in not bearing the shame of it and sharing what I've learned as a result.

One day he may be able to share what he's learned and use this mistake to help others.

When I think back at what I went through and the horrible things he said to make me keep quiet, I just wish I wouldv'e had the guts to say, "No! YOU did this! And I can't do this by myself!"

I'm trying to grow a backbone, and I wish I'd had one back then.

Annointed,
Have you always felt this way or has all this come up recently (wanting restitution)?

G

I guess I've always felt it deep down, but I've been kind of a pushover. My husband is a wonderful man. He has a very strong personality and can dominate me with his wishes sometimes. (He thinks the same thing about me, though.) I do push on him about making my feelings heard, but I wish I had required more of him.

I was hurting SOOO much, and I just 2nd guessed myself so much on what to require of him. I didn't have Marriage Builders or things may have been very different.

I don't know why it has bothered me so much, but I'm guessing it is because I have begun to be okay with myself and my feelings.

FWH doesn't believe it, but I usually just buckle rather than confront. (He says if that's true then it must be with everyone BUT him, but I say it's true a bit with him, too. I just am a bit more free with him than I am with others.)

I think that I've pinpointed the time in my life when I decided that my opinion wasn't as important as everyone else's, and I'm trying to rectify that.

Thanks Ggirl615!

I'm curious - was it from your upbringing? I ask because I was raised in a family where the male opinion counted and the girls didn't so I struggled with this in M - giving my H all the power. It became so bad I felt I lost my identity and I became depressed (but didn't know it). A show on Oprah saved me.

Gina

Well, I went through a phase when I blamed my parents for all my faults, and I don't want to do that now. But I do remember, from my point of view, doing a lot of talking as a young child and getting few responses. I was the baby but was practically an only child from age 6 up. My parents were older and, frankly, too tired to do the things they used to do with the other children. (They actually said this to me once when I expressed frustration that they would not drive me across town to stay the night with a friend or attend highschool football games, etc.) I would sit at the table and chatter and not get many responses. Again, that is my point of view, and it could be skewed.

Also, despite all of that I was pretty much a know-it-all. (I mean, no one was paying attention to what I said at home much, so who would correct a prideful attitude?) At the same time, I was extremely shy and had to be coaxed out of my shyness in 2nd grade by a teacher...she used the "speak up or I'll have to let someone else into the program" tactic. That got my attention, and I forced myself to speak up!

I'm not sure that all of that information answers your question, but here's the defining moment: I admired a certain teacher very much and was taking lessons from her best friend during school. I had given her best friend some constructive (? I guess) criticism on how she can help me best. My teacher whom I admired came to me in front of many of my peers and called me a "brat" for making her best friend cry. I don't remember much after that except that my jaw dropped as low as it could go--I couldn't close it-- and time just stopped in that hallway.

I guess I kind of went the opposite direction after that. I let other people have their way more because I didn't want to be a "brat."

I'm more complicated than this, but these things have come to mind recently. And yes, I lost myself in the indentity of my husband and was jolted out of it when he had the A. I'm much stronger now and growing stronger daily.

Thanks for your input!

I think I linger here because I'm still trying to figure out "why?"

And yes, sometimes I do wonder what it would be like for me if I had made different choice. What if we had not reconciled?

I am happy today. What was it about the affair(s) that was so enticing? Why wasn't I good enough?

This is soooo good! I just realized that JL posted this on my 5 year D-day anniversary. I was spending the day buying a wonderful new house. I thought about the day but was too busy to dwell on it.

I didn't make a mistake. And it doesn't say bad things about me that I worked it out with my spouse...even though he cheated. I am worth something Dang it!

Why am I struggling so much today?

Annointed,
Do you live with the fear that your H is capable of a A again? There are times when the way I was treated during the A, and the way I felt about myself, sneak into my mind. I hate those times because I don't want to relive how I felt. It was a terrible feeling - thinking your worthless and how can the person you love and is supposed to love you - treat you like you're nothing. I can't relive those memories because I start to feel resentful and I get to place where you are now - how could I let myself be treated that way - I'm better than that. Yes we are better than that and so much more. I try to put my energy into all the good things that are happening in our R and I have to count my blessings every day. It's the only thing that is saving me from doing something stupid like a RA (which I know I'm not capable of).

Hi Ggirl!

Well I wouldn't say that I live in fear, but I am painfully aware of how we are all capable of doing the unthinkable. I guess I just have my bad days. I'm not in the same place today as I was yesterday. I had a small cry and moved on with it. I'm not a failure because I decided to work things out with him! On the contrary....we are conquerors!! I just have to be careful what "voice" I listen to, ya know?

Thanks for the reminder to count my blessings!

Okay, so I guess I still come here sometimes. Things have changed, and we had our 3rd child. It was hard for me when I first got pregnant because the first A happened right after our 2nd was born. I didn't want to lose him again! I told him my feelings, and he said he was sorry and that he isn't going anywhere. That is so important in recovery...being able to say how I feel and him console me.

Our newborn is doing well, but I've noticed that we are not as close as we once were. I know it has to do with lack of sleep and adjusting to a 3rd, but it still makes me nervous. He hasn't given me any reason to suspect him, and his life is an open book. But I don't want to be a fool! My eyes have been opened.

Anyway, I hate the distance between us. I just pray the gap will close soon enough.